Thursday, January 24, 2008

Questions They Didn’t Ask On “The Moment Of Truth”


Last night, former XFL player Tinker “Ty” Keck, who was a bitching returner back in his Bearcat days, was the first ever contestant on FOX’s new game show “The Moment of Truth”. I’ve only watched one episode of this show, but I think it’s reasonable to come to this conclusion.

THIS COULD BE THE GREATEST SHOW IN THE HISTORY OF EVERYTHING EVER.

I always wanted a show where contestants were forced to empty out their ids and mentally traumatize their loved ones for cash, and here it is. At one point, they even brought out Rodney Peete (who appeared to have eaten Byron Leftwich) to ask Keck if he ever checked out another guy’s cock while in the shower. Well, of course he fucking did! You got thirty naked guys in the shower. You’re gonna see dong. And if some guy is hung like a goddamn mastadon, you’re gonna notice it. They also asked Keck very personal questions such as:

-Have you ever done anything to cause Catia (Keck’s wife) not to trust you?

-Have you delayed having children because you are unsure Catia will be your lifelong partner?

-If Catia grew a belly, would you encourage her to get liposuction?

Each exchange afterwards went something like this.

Host: Have you ever flirted with another woman over email?

(cut to Keck)

(cut to wife)

(cut to Keck's friend)

(cut to Keck)

(cut to wife's friend)

(cut to Keck's tapping feet)

(cut to Keck)

(cut to wife)

(cut to Keck)

(cut to wife)

Keck: No.

Woman's Voice: That answer is...

(cut to wife)

(cut to wife's friend)

(cut to Keck)

(cut to wife)

(cut to stock footage of the stopwatch from 60 Minutes)

(cut to Keck)

Woman's Voice: TRUE!

I wasn’t sure whether to be riveted or bored out of my fucking mind. Hurry the fuck up with it, FOX. Keck’s wikipedia page was altered after the show to include these tidbits, which have since been erased:

Ty Keck looked very nervous on the television show. Im pretty sure his wife no longer trusts him. He should get his teeth fixed and work on his dammaged relationship with his wife."

It has been said that after appearing on the show, Ty is close to a divorce with his wife and is still trying to work out the problems that arose from his candidness. He also admitted to looking at other men's genitalia while in a locker room.


Eh, probably for the best. Anyway, Keck didn’t get terribly far in his quest for $500,000 worth of humiliation. He flunked the 11th question out of 21. BUT, we here at KSK have unearthed the remaining nine questions that were NOT asked of Keck, along with the host’s setup for each question. Keep in mind, the questions get more personal and revealing as we get closer to the end. Here now, is the remainder of the show transcript.

Host: So you think you’re a good husband, Ty? Pretty sure about that? Are you REALLY sure?

QUESTION 12: Have you ever wished you could pull out of Catia and ejaculate on her chest while imagining she was Nina Hartley? Then stick a thumb in her eye?

Host: That was a pretty personal one. I got this next question here. You may find it tougher. You may find it easier. Ready? Here we go. Do you think you’re a good man, Ty? Think so, eh?

QUESTION 13: Have you ever masturbated on multiple occasions to one of Catia’s friends or relatives? Was it her mom? Because she totally looks like she could be Catia’s sister. Amazing ass.

Host: Hoo! That was also a pretty tough one, Ty. Ready for the next one? You went to college, right? Bearcat? Good student? Let’s bring out a 17-year-old Bearcat coed. Tina?

QUESTION 14, ASKED BY A 17-YEAR-OLD BEARCAT FRESHMAN IN A TIGHT TIGHT SKIRT: If Catia never knew, would you bend me over a desk and stick a cucumber in me?

Host: Tough one. VERY tough one. But you’re one step closer, Ty. Let’s move on. Feeling confident? Nothing to hide? Here we go.

QUESTION 15: Could this question be more vague?

Host: Little bit of a curveball there, Ty. Let’s talk about your family now. Love your mother? Are you sure? Really?

QUESTION 16: Have you ever wished your mother would fall off a cliff so that you could collect her inheritance, then divorce Catia and flee to Alaska and assume a new life under the alias Franklin Knox?

Host: You look a little sweaty, Ty. You okay? Remember: you can bow out at any time. You ready to keep going? Okay. Are you a liberal guy? Are you sure? Let’s bring out a black man.

QUESTION 17, ASKED BY A BLACK MAN: Have you ever thought the word nigger to yourself? Have you ever considered thinking it, or begun the process of visualizing it in your head?

Host: Another difficult one. But you’re doing great, Ty. You’ve been honest, and that’s all we ask. Let’s go to the next question. Shirelle?

QUESTION 18, ASKED BY A 37-YEAR-OLD HOOKER: Did you slip a finger in my asshole without paying the extra $50 three years ago?

Host: Here comes another…

QUESTION 19: Have you ever masturbated, then taken a shit and then, without washing your hands, eaten a hamburger?

Host: Very tricky, that one. But we’re only two questions away now. How much confidence do you have in your marriage, Ty? How much faith do you have in your wife? You sound pretty sure.

QUESTION 20: Have you ever wandered the streets of Hollywood, looking for fatties to imprison, starve, and then molest?

Host: Another very hard question. But I think we all admire you for your honesty, Ty. This is the final question now. For $500,000. It’s our toughest one yet. Are you ready? Are you a law-abiding citizen, Ty? REALLY? Certain of that?

QUESTION 21: If you didn't hide the bodies underwater, did you bury them under your house?

Be glad you flunked that 11th question, Ty.

79 comments:

Pemulis said...

I'll never forgive myself for missing this show last night. I hope it airs several times this week

Moof! said...

1) This mandates a we could do this all day tag.
2) I thought they said he was not hooked up to a polygraph. How the fuck are the supposed to get the real answers?

Uncle Ruckous said...

1. spectacular questions
2. the next guy was just as good. they are going to bring his son out to see if he gambled away the kids college fund.

Imperator Johannes said...

Have you ever masturbated to Jodie Foster during the rape scene in The Accused?

the great bambi said...

Have you ever watched an episode of Sex and the City and tried to decide which one of those four cunts you were?

the great bambi said...

You were in the XFL so you're a pretty athletic guy right? Question: Do you dream of being on American Gladiators so that Militia can tackle you?

steve said...

I'm just glad that I'm not the only one who watched it. What a fucked up show. I'm all for winning cash, but you know that last question is loaded.

"Have you stopped jerking off to gay porn on the internet"

"Did you like it when you were molested by your uncle?"

"Did you like it more when you were molested by your tranny uncle?"

And they ask the contestents like 100 questions before the show while they are hooked to a polygraph, and get the answers then. Then they pick 18 or whatever questions and ask them those questions on air. They can answer differently than they did on the polygraph, but whatever answer they give has to be the "truth" according to the polygraph.

twoeightnine said...

QUESTION 22: Do you really think that QOTSA is the greatest band ever? Seriously? Are you gay?

the great bambi said...

Is your dream money shot all over 1970s Hillary Clinton and her coke-bottle glasses?

the great bambi said...

Did you help flubby embezzle millions from the XFL causing what was an obviously lucrative business to go bankrupt?

Big Daddy Drew said...

Screw you, 289! QOTSA RULEZ YOU DROOLZ!!!!1111!!!11

the great bambi said...

Do your sick sexual perversions lead to you having nightmares of Chris Hanson surprising you with a camera crew?

the great bambi said...

If you were Kate Winslet in Titanic, would you have ever let go of Jack?

Captain Caveman said...

Bambi, please don't fucking do this again.

Upstate Underdog said...

I won't even attempt to add the the list of questions.

All I will say it was the most uncomfortable hour of television I've ever watched and yes, the wife and I will be tuning into it again next week.

watch out Bambi is on a roll again.

Chip Fu said...

costanza would put this show out of business, Gold Case-style.

the great bambi said...

Ty, do you think Captain Caveman uses a picture of a shot glass for his avatar to hide the fact that his favorite alcoholic beverages are Zima, Bacardi O, Sangria, Cosmos, or a nice box of Franzia?

Chip Fu said...

Vincenzo Coccotti, counsel for Mr. Blue Lou Boyle, is not impressed by this show's use of a polygraph and its disregard for recognizing the 17 pantomimes (woman's got twenty).

Chip Fu said...

I could go for a nice pre-lunch box of Franzia right now.

Captain Caveman said...

Captain Caveman uses a picture of a shot glass for his avatar

It's not a shot glass. It's a rocks glass, you fucking amateur.

the great bambi said...

Ty, do you think the great bambi didn't recognize the difference between the shot glass and rocks glass because he's a fucking moron?

That is correct, he is a fucking moron.

BaCsonkaDonk said...

Gentlemen, you have hit the big time. Check it:

He is frequently parodied on the blog, "Kissing Suzy Kolber".

the great bambi said...

Ty, do you think Han fired first?

Sorry, we appreciate the honesty but the correct answer is no one really gives a fuck.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

I believe the proper terminology is actually "old-fashioned glass."

the great bambi said...

Mr. Keck, do you believe supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses and not some farcical aquatic ceremony?

the great bambi said...

the proper terminology is "who cares just drink"

and i noticed there was no denial of the drink choices

the great bambi said...

Do you ever dream of going back and living in ancient Greece or Rome when fondling young, nubile boys wasn't taboo like today?

Christmas Ape said...

Can the great bambi achieve orgasm without commenting on KSK?

the great bambi said...

not even that does it, i smoke more than those blue-balled english gents

Otto Man said...

Bambi needs to change his avatar to Mike Damone from "Fast Times at Ridgemont High."

Mike Damone: I mean don't just walk in. You move across the room. And you don't talk to her. You use your face. You use your body. You use everything. That's what I do. I mean I just send out this vibe and I have personally found that women do respond. I mean, something happens.

Mark Ratner: Well, naturally something happens. I mean, you put the vibe out to 30 million chicks, something is gonna happen.

Mike Damone: That's the idea, Rat. That's the attitude.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Bambi, you're never going to win the title of Bitchy Commenter of the Week (BCOTW) with comments like that.

Let me demonstrate:

@CC:

Franzia>Maker's Mark

[makes no he ditint face]

Rally Monkey Spanker said...

Those were only parodies of Marmalard? Next you're going to tell me his real name isn't Marmalard.

I think I better ask somebody!

the great bambi said...

@ tech n9ne

if i'm gonna be most prolific commenter of the week I can't be greedy and take bitchiest...just not that time of the month yet...i mean...umm...what? go ask somebodaaaaaayyyyy

naptown drew said...

Aw shit. Bambi's bored at work again. It looks like I'm about an hour late, but fuck it. I'm going in...

naptown drew said...

Have you ever put a thumb up your own ass while masturbating?

naptown drew said...

Have you ever reintroduced yourself to a black person because they all look alike and you couldn't remember meeting them before?

naptown drew said...

Do you secretly claim one or more of your illegitimate children on your tax returns even though your married now just to get some extra cash?

naptown drew said...

Have you ever jacked off thinking about a family member?

naptown drew said...

Have you ever dropped fake money into a beggar's cup?

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Prolific's and interesting choice of adjective. I would have gone with cancerous, or maybe AIDS-ey.

naptown drew said...

Do you still sometimes watch an entire episode of Full House without changing the channel?

naptown drew said...

Who are you more scared of: Middle-Easterners or Black people?

naptown drew said...

If Ann Coulter offered you sex and nobody had to know you did it, would you bang her?

naptown drew said...

When you take a shit, do you stop wiping after a while even if there are still some brown marks coming off on the toilet paper?

Otto Man said...

If Ann Coulter offered you sex and nobody had to know you did it, would you bang her?

That's a pretty convoluted way to ask if the guy's into trannies.

Still, it sounds like an interesting adventure.

naptown drew said...

Do you sometimes avoid shaking hands with suspected gay people because they might have at least one STD?

naptown drew said...

Do you ever lurk in Deadspin Up! All Night to see just how inane and emotionally bankrupt some of the regular commenters are?

Jelly B. Good said...

I have just stabbed a pen in my eye to relieve me from having to read anymore of naptown or bambi's posts...

...and Reggie Nelson could soooo outpost you guys (if he cared).

MoonshineMike said...

Man, I still like Nina Hartley. I think that's a generational thing.

naptown drew said...

Have you ever tried to shave a cool design into your pubes only to fuck up and compulsively remove every last hair from the area?

dick_gozinia said...

Drew,

How the hell do you know that the guys from Mastodon are hung well?

naptown drew said...

Have you ever beaten your pet senseless for doing something bad; then give it a treat to try and make up for the beating?

naptown drew said...

Have you ever masturbated while you pet watched you?

dick_gozinia said...

And seriously, who hasn't cracked one to Jodie Foster in The Accused? Sexy dance moves, man. Sexy.

naptown drew said...

Have you ever masturbated your pet?

Jelly B. Good said...

Have you ever pretended you were asleep when your wife approached you for sex and then hoped she'd hurry up and fall asleep so you could go wack off to Nina Hartley?

-shit, now you got me doing it...

naptown drew said...

Have you ever been denied an animal by the Humane Society for trying to masturbate a pet while still on the premesis?

Otto Man said...

Question 22: What if you came home one night to find your family tied up and gagged, with socks in their mouths. They're screaming, and you're trying to get in but there's too much blood on the knob ...

My question is about the budget, sir.

Grimey said...

I've never seen comedy die so quickly

naptown drew said...

Are you Omar Cruz?

If you are, will you please give me your address so I can rape you with a blowtorch?

naptown drew said...

Do you sometimes fantasize about how you will spend a relative's inheritance, then start hoping they might die soon?

naptown drew said...

Does Omar Cruz have the power to post spam then make it disappear almost immediately; or does the Gay Mafia constantly keep a vigilant eye out for such things?

naptown drew said...

Are you the motherfucker who dribbles piss on the toilet seat in my office and doesn't clean it up?

/because if you are I'll fucking shoot you

the great bambi said...

Do you ever fantasize about killing your boss for the 90 minute meeting that should have only taken 5 minutes and wasted valuable time commenting on blogs about dick jokes?

Rally Monkey Spanker said...

Do you ever wish that a writer for a national magazine would be so in love with you that any time you had a major fuck up, he would spin it so that we should all be grateful to have witnessed your choke job and beg to have your tonsils scrubbed by his penis?

naptown drew said...

When you go to the grocery store check-out, do you migrate toward the least ethnic looking cashier?

naptown drew said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
naptown drew said...

If you are dating a woman, do you ever try to map out her menstral cycle and avoid calling her on the days she is most likely to be menstruating?

naptown drew said...

If "naptown drew" posts a comment in the woods, but nobody is around to read it, does anyone else think it's funny besides him?

/No(saving the inevitable response).

dick_gozinia said...

Have you ever taken a train and eaten it piece by piece.....after you derailed it with your penis?

SlickBomb said...

Amazing, amazing set of questions.

Brady's a douchebag said...

I truly hope that Naptown and Bambi send their questions to the producers of the show. Talk about Must see TV. Fucking Wrier's Guild could strike for a decade and no one would notice if they ask your questions on the show.

Feta said...

Have you ever taken a train and eaten it piece by piece.....after you derailed it with your penis?

+1 for Mr. Show reference

Clock Cleaner said...

somehow i think naptown and bambi were just aching for some way to let the world know of the things they actually do in private.

"YES! Finally, I'll be able to bombard the comments with mildly funny questions because I can use all the disgusting experiences in my own life! Hooray!"

the great bambi said...

dude, clock cleaner ix-nay on the owing-blay my over-cay you astard-bay

naptown drew said...

@clock cleaner

To be fair, decorative pube shaving and beastiality bring me enough joy in private that I only share my experiences sometimes because I would feel selfish if I didn't.

Clock Cleaner said...

@bambi

No, I have deciphered your code and will NOT nix blowing your cover. I will blow it all over your surprised family.

@naptown

You can masturbate your pets all you want. I'LL be masturbating various teenage girls with cucumbers.

Gern said...

If you "masturbate" someone else, then it's not masturbating, right? It goes off into a whole new universe of possible categories. Masturbation was given to us by god (no caps) or someone as the greatest single discovery in the history of human civilization. With the exceptions of maybe the remote control and the pill. PS-Keep up the good work Naptown.

Zamboni said...

Did you like me better when I was hanging out with the Funky Bunch?

Question 21. You are aware that I'm not that Mark Wahlberg? Look at the friggin' "L." in my name. Is it really that hard to distinguish us?