Sunday, January 27, 2008

Study Finds Patriots Fans More Douchey and More Credulous of Pointless Studies Than Giants Fans


As many regulars of the site are well aware, when Patriots fans feel slighted, they are wont to unleash a flurry of statistics and shoddily reasoned arguments in the comments section to prove that they are, in fact, only 87 percent as racist as we claim they are.

Now it seems Pats fans are getting out in front of us by boasting about research that, at least this dippy Boston Herald writer says, proves Pats fans are "smarter, classier and healthier and own pricier homes than the riff-raff who root for the New York Giants."

Let us now cast a discerning eye on the results:

Some 62 percent of Pats fans living in the Boston area earned a bachelor’s or postgraduate degree or have some higher-education experience, compared to 59 percent of Giants fans.

Beyond failing to state whether that three percent difference falls within the margin of error, there seems to be some flawed methodology here. Fans in the Boston area? Aren't they the NEW ENGLAND Patriots? Seems as though you're culling from a pretty select sample of one fanbase and not the other.

Likewise, 72 percent of Pats fans live in homes worth north of $200,000, compared to 63 percent of Giants yahoos.

"Look how much aaah propahtee vaahyoos go aaahp once we chase aaat all tha daaaawkies!"

Pats fans consistently show better taste than their Gotham counterparts. We drink Amstel Light, not Bud Light. Giants fans slug back lots of whiskey.

This is something to be proud of? Drinking Amstel Light in lieu of whiskey? Not sure who the arbiters of taste are here, but Ufford's rifle would like to have like to have a quick word with you.

We are likely to read connoisseur magazines like Wine Spectator. Gotham fans like to pig out on junk food like pretzels, chips and nuts. They’re also less likely to favor organic food than other New Yorkers.

Reading Wine Spectator is fine and dandy, I suppose. I enjoy me some vino every now and then (Read: drinking it now, will be drinking it then) but I don't really bother to read up on it. If that's your hobby, that's cool. But bragging about reading Wine Spectator? Those are pretty rarefied heights of doucheiness with subtle notes of smoky asshattery. Also, I'm pretty sure every NFL fanbase is less likely to prefer organic food than the other residents of the surrounding area.

When Pats revelers aren’t watching football, they’re hitting the slopes skiing or going for a sail. They’re also more likely to belong to country clubs. When Giants fans aren’t booing Giants coach Tom Coughlin or punk quarterback Eli Manning in that New Jersey stadium they call home, they’re out practicing their tennis backhands in the backyard.


Belong to exclusionist country clubs, do you Pats fans? Shocker. And, to be fair, Giants fans practice their backhands on their wives in the backyard.

It’s also worth noting that the Patriots are an equal opportunity franchise, drawing more female fans than the competition. Nearly half of all Pats backers - about 43 percent - are women. In Giants country, just 31 percent of the fans are female.

The Patriots are actually done a disservice with this one. 100 percent of their fans have a vagina. That only 43 percent identify themselves as strictly female is a touch unclear.

There you go, Pats fans. Get your charts ready.

Thanks to miamidiesel for the tip.

75 comments:

Brother Mouzone said...

The funny thing is that this comes from the Herald. 87% of Herald readers got kicked out of Catholic school, 74% failed the firefighters' exam, and 68% are going to get their real estate license any day now.

August West said...

"100 percent of their fans have vaginas. That only 43 percent identify themselves as strictly female is a touch unclear."

Clearly this highly scientific survey sheet didn't have a checkmark box for lady-man-ladies ala Jamie Lee Curtis.

Bistroist said...

Related articles: Welker bubbles from the bottom up

peytonloveskenny said...

I'm not one to resort to violence, but I feel like punching the chick who wrote this.

Bulger in My Pants said...

Nearly half of all Pats backers - about 43 percent - are women.

Take ol' Tom Brady out of the equation, and that percentage would change in a hahtbeat.

Oh, looka me and my vagina degrading the other vagina havers. I guess I have to vote for Hillary now.

twoeightnine said...

or have some higher-education experience

I don't think mopping the halls at Bunker Hill Community College is a proof of intelligence.

Brazil Thrill said...

It’s also worth noting that the Patriots are an equal opportunity franchise...

Have you guys ever played the "drink every time you see a black New England fan in the stands" game? I've watched every Pats game this season and have yet to take a shot.

LiarLidimew said...

I love that no matter how much money, or "higher-education experience" NE fans achieve they will still type out their ridiculous accents. Giants fans maybe a bit slower on the uptake but they at least passed typing down at ITT tech.

Cindy said...

My vagina has been a Pats fan since before that cute little quarterback Tony Eason was crushed by the Bears in 1986.

Mark said...

Bravo.

That Herald piece was permeated with such Douchery I'm surprised Marmalard didn't co-write it.

FearTheHobbits said...

Unfortunately, the only New Yorkers they actually surveyed were on the New York Giants.

Eli alone counts for at least 29% of that 31% female count.

DCD said...

WOW...this is exactly why the Herald is the B league newspaper in Boston. As a Pats fans, I'm thoroughly embarrassed that this was written and that the editor thought this was a legitimate commentary, because it certainly isn't news. That Amstel Light comment was the worst of all. It tastes like piss and only the trashiest of whores in bars drink it. Trust me, a Bud Light vendor can't walk 12 feet in Gillette Stadium without selling out and going to restock. If anything, the Giants fans are the class of the Meadowlands, if this were a comparison with the Jets, then I might be able to get behind it...

The Badger said...

There's an alternate version of the same article athttp://www.bostonherald.com/news/regional/general//view.bg?articleid=1068892.

The Amstel Light comment becomes even more mystifying in the context that Giants fans prefer Sierra Nevada and Anchor Steam.

Dan said...

http://www.bostonherald.com/blogs/news/messenger/index.php/2008/01/26/football-fans-reach-new-lows/

this woman put up a blog of all this hilarious responses to the article. GO GIANTS!

Cody Pagels said...

Ease up on the Pats fans. They only got to go to two Super Bowls in the 80's and 90's, so they deserve this success more than you.

FearTheHobbits said...

@Dan:

I love how she chose the obscene ones to prove her point. Hooray, one-sided journalism!

James Lee said...

@cody pagels,

I assume that comment was sarcastically made.

Junker23 said...

I think I'm going to be sick.

And re: brazil thrill, I saw one black guy at the game I went to. I was shocked, I thought they were extinct in New England.

Otto Man said...

love that no matter how much money, or "higher-education experience" NE fans achieve they will still type out their ridiculous accents.

This is what happens when you have to spell out all the big words phonetically.

Russell K said...

Not sure who the arbiters of taste are here, but Ufford's rifle would like to have like to have a quick word with you.

Brilliant.

miamidiesel said...

1.) Getting a shout-out on KSK easily already vaults 2008 into the category of one of the five best years of my life - yea it's like that, fuckin bite me.

2.) As a native New Yorker and die-hard Giants fan, and someone who will be at the game in Arizona next weekend, I'm not saying a goddamn thing until after the Super Bowl, but I really do hope that karma finally catches up to the Pats and their fan base. What's that you say, Bostoners don't believe in karma because it's some concept that those sand-darkies in India came up with while high off ganja? Well, then....

cdawg said...

"...and to be fair, Giants fans are practicing their backhands on their wives in the backyard"

+1

I read this Herald article a few times, to try to figure out, if it was satirical or not. Like, she calls Eli a punk, but then ends it with "...and they like to garden", like it's been nothing but factual. So she's either a real shit disturber, a real dumb whore, or, in the most likely case, both.

bill said...

Don't Boston area natives understand that the essence of articles like this express their envy of NYC? Perhaps with one caveat. They certainly do not envy the startling diversity that exists further down I-95.

Rant_Casey said...

@ Brazil

Drink three shots.
Deval, Seymour & Seau.

http://multimedia.boston.com/pub/tn/17/sports.htm?bctid=1392523591

William said...

New York girls = hot.. New England girls = ugly.. So does it really matter if they draw more female fans? This article is so ridiculous. It's like they are taking the best part of NE (boston) and trying to compare it to Newark, New Jersey..

Bistroist said...

FearTheHobbits said,
I love how she chose the obscene ones to prove her point. Hooray, one-sided journalism!

Publishing their email adresses was a real classy move, as well.

Also, the alternate piece linked by the badger makes even less sense: Apparently, Anchor Steam, whiskey and foreign films < Amstel Light, Wine Spectator and country clubs, at least in wacky douchebag journoland.

Jelly B. Good said...

Mike Celizic also fueled this fire in his piece "Big Apple blows away Beantown"... http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22792627/

But please, let all like-minded people here in the North pause for a moment and let us reason together...

Clearly the center of the universe for sports, education, sex and douchbaggery is located here in the Northeast. We are superior in every way to our in-bred brethren to the South and West.

They've not yet woken up to the fact that global warming is in fact a cleverly planned strategy for providing us with retirement property without requiring us to relocate to the South where there are so many, ummm, undesirables...

Boston is the brain, New York is the heart and New Jersey is our asshole to the rest of the world... specially to all the useless pedophile lawyers that populate the area surrounding Washington, D.C.

/end-veiled-attempt-to-drag-ny-into-the-toilet-of-hatred-that-is-KSK

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Holy.

Shit.

Hate away, KSK. I want nothing to do with a fanbase that needs to resort to shoddy generalizations and unfounded elitism in order to feel good about themselves. My god, can't we just revel in our 3 recent Superbowl titles and feel good about that? I love my team, but garbage like this turns my stomach.

I'll say this much: if my bar tab from last night is any indication, Pats fans drink plenty of whiskey. At least this one does.

...suffering from lack of football. I was just watching the NHL All-star game, for god's sake.

Jelly B. Good said...

@futuremrs

Please tread lightly. You're dangerously close to having your Ben Affleck fan club membership revoked.

Jelly B. Good said...

@futuremrs

...and BTW, I have the last three Pats games still on my DVR in HD, a cooler full of Amstel Lights and a couple of Dominican Cohibas if you'd like to stop by (wink-wink, nudge-nudge)...

/something-tells-me-i've-crossed-the-line-and-my-ksk-decoder-ring-is-going-to-stop-functioning

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Who, you? Cross the line? Never.

Jelly B. Good said...

I'll be your huckleberry...

Jelly B. Good said...

...I meant your huckleberry, Robert. SMMOOOOOOOCHHHHHHH..

Jelly B. Good said...

Thank God some one finally had the balls to say what we're all thinking... robert you are a man among men.

...I only hope you get what you truly deserve some day.

Dan said...

And just like that, any possible respect for my own fanbase brought about by mrs. ankiel disappears...
At this point, robert basically has destroyed all of my faith in boston, yet reaffirmed my faith in douche-baggery. Thanks, asshole!

Jelly B. Good said...


I was going to see my friend Rober d'Douchebag once more, for I had not seen him for fifteen years. Formerly he was my most intimate friend, and I used to spend long, quiet, and happy evenings with him. He was one of those men to whom one tells the most intimate affairs of the heart, and in whom one finds, when quietly talking, rare, clever, ingenious, and refined thoughts--thoughts which stimulate and capture the mind.

For years we had scarcely been separated: we had lived, traveled, thought, and dreamed together; had liked the same things with the same liking, admired the same books, comprehended the same works, shivered with the same sensations, and very often laughed at the same individuals, whom we understood completely, by merely exchanging a glance.

Then he married--quite unexpectedly married a little girl from the provinces, who had come to Boston in search of a husband. How ever could that little, thin, insipidly fair girl, with her weak hands, her light, vacant eyes, and her clear, silly voice, who was exactly like a hundred thousand marriageable dolls, have picked up that insipid, drooling young fellow? Can anyone understand these things? No doubt he had hoped for happiness, simple, quiet, and long-enduring happiness, in the arms of a good, tender, and faithful woman; he had seen all that in the transparent looks of that schoolgirl with light hair.

He had not dreamed of the fact that an active, living, and vibrating man grows tired as soon as he has comprehended the stupid reality of a common-place life, unless indeed, he becomes so brutalized as to be callous to externals.

What would he be like when I met him again? Still lively, witty, light-hearted, and enthusiastic, or in a state of mental torpor through provincial life? A man can change a great deal in the course of fifteen years!

The train stopped at a small station, and as I got out of the carriage, a stout, a very stout man with red cheeks and a big stomach rushed up to me with open arms, exclaiming: "Jelly!"

I embraced him, but I had not recognized him, and then I said, in astonishment: "By Jove! You are a fucking retard!"

Jelly B. Good said...

Point taken... that said, you're still a fucking retard.

naptown drew said...

@ robert:

Why don't you just throw up an "E. Lee" on the end of your screen name and call it a night.

Robut M. Nixon said...

This was a good post, Ape, but let's be fair...robert just pwn3d you, big time. Props, robert.

On a non-sarcastic note: dcd, as a Jets fan, I am honored that you don't consider us the class of the Meadowlands. Give me the lecherous, pot-smoking, working-class degenerates of Gate D over the geriatric, self-important wine-and-cheese Giants crowd any day of the week.

/still doesn't understand how any Jets fan could respond to the Gate D thing with anything other than a swelling of pride

Rip Slagcheek said...

I don't know where Jets fans get this assumption that Giants fans are rich and stogy. Where the fuck is my yacht?

Also, the part about the Gate D incident that makes it classless is that they were looking at Jets fan tits. Blech.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Ankiel, you fat, ugly slob; Go find an unfortunate man who will seed you, for christs sake. Tell him whatever he wants to hear and cross your fingers."


That's such a great idea! Now I know what I've been doing wrong all these years. It's hard for us fat, ugly slobs.

Otto Man said...

Next time read a bit before commenting, slackers.

Ja wöhl, mein deutschbag!

John John The Bastard said...

Robert is just mad because he still gets his moo moo from a bahbah

Naticksoxfan said...

Without reading any other comments - I sincerely hope that this is satire of satire.

Go Pats!

sunglasses in the dark said...

Please robert, everyone knows all bloggers are pasty and white.

allie said...

I don't get why people feel the need to apologize for other fans of their team. I didn't write this article, not did I particularly enjoy it, and I cringe every time robert posts something. but they don't make me embarrassed to be a pats fan, any more than they make me embarrassed to be a human being. I'm not about to feel bad because other people are idiots.

smurphette said...

"Those are pretty rarefied heights of doucheiness with subtle notes of smoky asshattery."

Awesome.

devang said...

It's funny that the the Pats line look like a bunch of 18th century racist white pigs who don't get called out for any faults (no leg whips, no holding) on poor black defensive linemen.

Maybe Paul Revere was riding to arm up douchebag fuckholes like Robert to cut up the darkies.

Please take up your elitist ivory tower bullshit and shove it up your pasty white ass fucko.

Crawl into your pig feces of a sewer filled tunnel of your overpriced basement, choke on your Brady sperm filled shit and die.

I'd have an intelligent discourse with Robert, but I feel the Herald article says it all for me to deal with you pus filled anal warts.

Oh yeah, and Taylor was a "thug" for trying to defend his family from a bunch of doped up assholes who wanted nothing else but his money. The fuckos that are the Pats didn't have the decency to even keep 21 for the whole season. Is that how they "distinguish" themselves from the rest of the league? It's just about their teammates, huh? Nice show assholes.

Oh, and Rodney HGHarrison "mister late hit dirty fuck" accusing other players of being dirty is so typical of the NE Massholishness. Randy "never gets called for a push off" Moss typifies what your team of cheating fucks really represents.

Yeah so what if you go 19-0. It's still "taint"ed.

Suck me you pasty fucking pigs.

dickiemal said...

The Pats are also more up-to-date with fashion, with 68 percent of Pats supporters showing up with the tags still on their Brady/Welkah/'Daaahkie 81' jerseys, compared to a measly 1.5 percent of 'real' NFL fans.

Russell K said...

@dickiemal

Someone needs to special order a Pats jersey with the number 81 and Daaaahkie as the name, stat. I'd do it, but I'm poor.

Clock Cleaner said...

robert...you are an idiot and an asshole. Your long-ass list was completely out of the blue, unnecessary, and just plain stupid. Please don't comment again.
You must have been first in line for "Meet the Spartans"

Moof! said...

That's it. Robert should now be an official member of the Gay Mafia.

Clutch Is Everything said...

This article is absolutely ridiculous !!

Russell K said...

I just noticed he called Wes Welker the top receiver of 2007. That's hilarious, considering how well Randy Moss performed this season. Robert needs to be writing the Tommy from Quinzee posts.

allie said...

@devang- to be fair, it's not like the redskins wore a decal to honor the pats' dead teammate.

Wooderson said...

@Russell K,

Welker did actually have the most receptions this year, but Moss outgained him by 200+ yards and 15 TDs. Welker had about 14 more receptions, but couldn't really break the big play and gained most of his stuff across the middle.


But yes, Robert is a complete douchebag and is not the kind of person I'd ever want representing my fanbase.

On the flipside, just about all of the Pats diehard fans I know (from Providence RI, which is closer to Foxboro than Boston) know every players name and stats inside and out, and tend not to make any racist comments towards their players.

Just sayin'...

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

robert - That was truly some of the most ignorant racist shit I've ever read. Pats fans shouldn't be embarrassed about Robert, Americans and all humans in general should be embarrassed by Robert. Seriously, I hope you're just some dick head who doesn't really believe the shit you type because you're one of the most despicable human beings alive if you're serious. I hope you get caught in your Ethernet cable and choke you racist fucktard.

PotatoJuice said...

Robert move to Atlanta we need someone with a clear mind like yours

dont worry you wont be murdered

Otto Man said...

Please take up your elitist ivory tower bullshit and shove it up your pasty white ass fucko.

I think the closest Robert's ever been to an elitist ivory tower was Cinderella's castle at Disney World.

And even then, he was probably too dumb to be let in.

Upstate Underdog said...

I'm pretty sure robert is the biggest douchebag to ever post here, I'm just glad that arrticle didn't compare pats fans to Bills fans.

Captain Caveman said...

Hey commenters, friendly reminder -- please don't respond to the trolls. It's pointless to engage them, and their racist bile is never long for this site.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Aw please? Just a little?

Daniel said...

Isn't the Herald article supposed to be tongue-in-cheek? Does that make this xmax ape article tongue-in-ass?

Comicbook Guy said...

Hey Devang
Bite Me.
Enjoy the hate as you lose once again. Enjoy the little boy Manning antics.

quiet strength said...

So basically what this article is saying is that 70 percent of Patriot fans are douchy New Englanders who grew up living like Dan in Real Life (one fine horror movie...) who say, "By jove, look at how good the Celtics are! Let's get season tickets," 25 percent live in their mother's basement and shift their time between looking for employment that isn't so hung up on sex crimes and spamming message boards with belligerent comments, and 5 percent are just normal football fans with a bit of apologism toward their peers.

Who's Your Daddy said...

Wow, just wow! My generalities. Let me show you them.

In here followup article: dark people steal, Mexicans drink tequila, Jamaicans smoke herb, Asians are good at math, and Jews are greedy.

Though, I do agree that she fits the "pretty journalist who slept her way into a job because she can't write for shiat" stereotype.

Sam said...

@whos your daddy

I must be a JewMaican.

Awkward Boner said...

...or punk quarterback Eli Manning

haha, he's a bad ass that one.

Rally Monkey Spanker said...

She must be part of the main stream media those folks like Steven Asshat Smith are so proud of being a part of. No way a blogger puts out something so high class, well thought out and supported by facts.

Where do I sign up to be a media whore/darling??

John John The Bastard said...

CC's only saying that because the boston fans leave him be due to his superwhiteness.

(Please don't attack me Caveman I meant it as a Boston joke)

John said...

Christmas Ape, you're on fire so far this year. What's sparked the streak?

larry b said...

What will New England do if both Chris Long and Jake Long have already been taken when it's the Patriots' turn to choose in the first round of the draft? Trade down? Reach on Sam Baker or Dan Connor? Take Brian Brohm or Matt Ryan even though they don't really need a QB? They really don't have many options that will make the fanbase happy.

Otto Man said...

Christmas Ape, you're on fire so far this year. What's sparked the streak?

Family. Religion. Friends.

These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

dickey simpkins said...

otto man:

So can one refernce the Simpsons in every real-life situation?

Otto Man said...

So can one refernce the Simpsons in every real-life situation?

It's gotten me this far.