Thursday, January 31, 2008

Tom Brady’s Secret Trip To Seattle Grace


As you know, Tom Brady has baffled reporters in recent days by sporting a protective boot on his foot and being conspicuously absent from the Pats’ initial Super Bowl practice sessions. After much research, we at KSK have discovered not only the nature of Brady’s injury, but where he was while his team practiced without him. He was, in fact, in Seattle, at Seattle Grace hospital. Here now is a transcript of what happened, as told to us by a surgical resident at the hospital.

Annoying Meredith Grey Voiceover: Cutting. As a surgeon, it is our job to cut. Sometimes we cut deeply. Sometimes we cut just a little bit. But we are always cutting. And when we cut, we leave a scar. And when we leave a scar, we know just how deeply we have cut those we come into contact with. And those cuts can add up to one big cut over time. And we cannot uncut what we have cut. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

(Meredith wakes up in bed)


Meredith: My God. I drank far too much Chardonnay last night. I had a dream that I was falling. What does that mean? How does that impact my life? Derek, how am I going to get through this?

(turns over in bed to find Tom Brady in bed with her)

Meredith: OH MY GOD! You’re not Derek!

McDreamboat: What happened? A doctor was fixing my leg up, then you came in to bring me ice chips, and then some other doctor came in with wine. Then another one came in and started dancing around. Do you people even do any fucking work at all?

Meredith: Oh, my God. I… I can’t be here right now. What does this all mean for me? For us? My god…

(enter Izzy with a cake)


Izzy: Who likes cake in the morning… HOLY SHIT! You banged a patient! You banged a patient! (bursts into tears) I can’t believe you would do that to me! You knew this would remind me of Denny!

Meredith: But he’s not Denny…

Izzy: Don’t you bring up Denny to me! Okay? You have no right! He was so amazing. (laughs while crying) We were going to open up a free clinic in Africa together. We weren’t going to make any money. In fact, we had no sustainable plan for it at all. BUT I CARE ABOUT MY PATIENTS, DAMMIT!

Meredith: Please, Izzy, don’t tell anyone. Not even George. Oh God, what will this all mean for me?

(cut to Izzy at the hospital. Derek approaches)


McDreamy: Hey, you seen Meridith?

Izzy: Oh my God, you know? (bursts into tears) I thought she never would have told you!

McDreamy: Told me what?

Izzy: What? Oh, you didn’t… OH GOD! (bursts into tears) OH GOD, IZZY! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? YOU SHOULD HAVE KEPT YOUR MOUTH SHUT? WHY DO I ALWAYS HURT THE ONES I LOVE?

(wanders out into rain while a KT Tunstall song plays for five minutes)

McDreamy: That was odd.

(enter Dr. Bailey)

McDreamy: Dr. Bailey, have you seen Dr. Grey?


Bailey: No, I have NOT. Okay? I do not have TIME to go hunting for interns. I do not have TIME to be concerned with your love life. I do not have TIME to take my focus away from my patients. I do not even have TIME to tie my shoes, Dr. Shepard. I WISH that I had that kinda TIME. I WISH I had TIME to look for MY loved ones. I WISH that I had TIME to have coffee in the courtyard. But I do not HAVE that kind of TIME. Do you understand, Dr. Shepard? Have you taken the TIME to understand that?

McDreamy: My God, you’re a human dynamo.

Bailey: Yes I am.

(runs off)

(Derek finds George)

McDreamy: Dr. O’Malley, have you seen Dr. Grey?


George: Who, Meredith? Uh, no. I… uh… gee… well… not really sure… I guess… Kinda awkward here… You’re so handsome and perfect and you do everything right… and uh…. I’m such a douche… so… uh… I WANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY, GOD DAMMIT!... uh... Listen, is it normal to lose your erection inside a woman?… Is it?… Because I do that with Izzy. Like ALL the time. She just starts talking about the environment while we’re doing… you know… and I just can’t keep…

McDreamy: You know what? Just stop talking. I’ll find her on my own. Okay?

(Derek finds McSteamy)

McDreamy: Mark, have you seen Meredith?


McSteamy: Can’t find your girl again? That’s too bad. Listen, why don’t you let me run a train on that little number? You and I know I’m the only guy at this fucking hospital with a set of balls on me. You can’t like that Olive Oyl bitch THAT much. She’s not even hot. Your ex-wife? Now THAT was a piece of ass.

(Enter Brady)

McDreamboat: Excuse me, has anyone see Dr. Grey?

McDreamy: Excuse me?

McDreamboat: I need to find Dr. Grey.

McSteamy: Why do you need to find HER?

McDreamboat: Well, it’s a bit embarrassing, but I think I might have left my wallet at her place. I need to find it or else I’ll miss practice.

McDreamy: Really?

(Meredith enters from down the hall. She sees all three men together.)

Meredith: Oh, my God. McDreamy, McSteamy, and McDreamboat all together! They’re a McTeamy! AHHHHHHH!!!! WHAT’S IT ALL MEAN FOR ME?!!!!

(Derek approaches)

McDreamy: Meredith, what’s going on?

Meredith: I… I…

(Just then, 500 plane crash victims are wheeled in to the main entrance)

EMT: WE GOT 500 PLANE CRASH VICTIMS HERE!!! WE NEED TO TRIAGE AND INTUBATE THESE PEOPLE!!!

Meredith: Oh my God. They’re so hurt and mangled! What’s it all mean for me? Why am I such a cunt to my sister?!

EMT: WILL YOU FUCKING MOVE, BITCH?

Meredith: Oh my God, I’m so rattled. So very rattled. DEREK!

McDreamy: Calm down, Meredith. Just calm down. Take a deep breath. Just calm down. And take a deep breath. Stay calm? Are you calm? Let’s all be calm. Let’s be calm now. Look at me. Be calm. Now look at your shoes. Are you calm?

Meredith: Yes, but WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN FOR ME? AND FOR US?

McDreamy: I can’t keep doing this, Meredith. I can’t keep doing this. You keep running away from me. And I keep running to you. But then you keep running some more. And then I keep running to catch up. There’s a lot of running. And I get so tired. So very tired from all the running. I don’t want to run. I want to walk. And stroll. And mosey with you. But I can’t walk with you unless you stop running and decide to shift down to a slower type of gait.

Meredith: I don’t know what I want, Derek. I don’t know what I want, but all I know is that I want someone who is happy with the fact that I don’t know what I want. Because I never know what I want, because I’m an annoying fucking shrew.

(enter Christina)


Christina: OH MY GOD! DID YOU SEE SOME OF THESE BURN VICTIMS? They have jet fuel burns. JET FUEL BURNS! You know how long I’ve been waiting to get my hands of a heart that’s been charred by jet fuel? I’ve read all about that shit. What are you fuckers sitting around for? This is MY FUCKING CHANCE TO GET AHEAD AND YOU’RE IN MY GODDAMN WAY. YOU PEOPLE AREN’T HARDCORE!!!

McDreamy: Why are you friends with that cunt?

Meredith: I don’t know. We like to dance. Oh Derek, what does all this MEAN for me?

McDreamboat: Uh, can I get my wallet?

(cut to Seattle skyline at night as Snow Patrol song plays)

Annoying Meredith Grey Voiceover: Cutting. They sometimes say that the first cut is the deepest. But what they don’t say is that the second cut can be just as deep. And, in the end, WHO we cut is just as important as what we cut. If only we could cut out all this cutting.

(cut to black)

46 comments:

Upstate Underdog said...

"after the jock strap commercial and this Seacrest post I'm really hoping KSK doesn't get any gayer today."

guess what, it just got gayer.

devang said...

@uu

Damn, beat me to it!!

Did the fucking Ladies... crew hijack KSK?!?! WTF is going on?

(I like the Ladies..., but just not in KSK)

Skye said...

Thanks BDD. I feel pretty secure in the fact that I now know exactly what I have missed by not subjugating myself to watch Grey's Anatomy. You sir are bane... I mean boon to humanity.

QWIJIBO said...

needs more Fray songs to be a true Grey's Anatomy parody.

/washing vagina

larry b said...

Way to go parodying the show no dude should be watching unless his girlfriend forces him to at knifepoint. What's on tap for later this afternoon? Are we going to hear from the "Sex and the City" girls as they try to figure out who the Giants are and why all the men in their lives are so excited about them?

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Foot-bawl?

LeeZy said...

it appears someone's girlfriend has control of the remote on Thursdays...

Jeff Hawkins said...

seriously all of Sandra Oh's lines should be horse whiney noises

a horse ran into Sandra Oh and asked "why the long face"

The Lazer said...

Drew, I'm taking a man card away from you.

Chip Fu said...

Wow, it's only been 11 days of no football. By late-February KSK will be opening up a B&B in upstate New York and restoring antique armoires.

And I will applaud your courage.

Big Daddy Drew said...

I'm not gonna try and defend this post. The Mrs. makes me watch the show, so I wanted to make fun of it. given that she lets me watch football all weekend long, I can't fight back. So there you go.

QWIJIBO said...

Sandra Oh? more like Sandra OHHHHHHHHHHYEEEEEEEEAH!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!

/here all week

SMP said...

Sadly, this is less of a parody of the show than the show itself

Awkward Boner said...

so drew, your wife made you write an episode for her because of the writer's strike. bravo

you should think about becoming a scab

Francois Leroux Speedskater said...

This post makes me wonder if the Jamboroo this week will even have Throwgasms, or if it "couldn't quite get there."

Bobby said...

i was hoping for a huge tom brady orgy...

futuremrsrickankiel said...

I used to date someone who made me watch The OC with him.

USED to.

/wears the pants

The Last Unitard said...

/ovulates

Upstate Underdog said...

All men do things when they get married that they never thought they would do in 1000 years when they were single. Its called compromise. They do even more if they have a daughter or two who has their dad wrapped around their fingers.

Tymannosourus said...

You forgot to add in a commercial break cutting to a monotoned red-head driving a cadillac.

MC said...

I am embarrassed to say that this is startling accurate.

My Insignificant Life said...

At least buy another Television so you have an opt out option at home.


/has 5 TVs in house - and still nothing worth watchin.

smurphette said...

McDreamboat = hilarious

You have perfectly expressed everything I loathe about this program.

Ken Dynamo said...

wow, i dont know close to enough about this show for this to be funny. cant wait for ufford's entourage parody, though.

Moof! said...

That Sandra O character was also the former high school president. I did not look like such a cunt in the pictures they posted on the wall. I would show you, because her co-prez is some giant football player, but I would be breaking the law.

Chamomiles Davis said...

Drew: homotypeswhat

85 said...

no room for the hefty latina broad,

There is over here.

Jason said...

I thought the post was hilarious.

Married = watching Grey's
sorta like
Sun=hot
and
Sky=blue

No sense trying to pretend we're men here.

Leaking Geek said...

HELL = Both channels on the DVR recording this damn cry-fest AND having Wife and Daughter discussing at dinner table.

/Puts Head in Oven, set to Broil

Mikvogel said...

Thank you!

I hate the GD show and like every other married man (whether they'll admit it or not) am subjected to it on Thursday nights.

/hopes the writers' strike goes 3 years

I just sent the link to my wife and all her gabby friends.

/not getting laid this week

Thanks for the parody!

MV

sides said...

cue izzie on her back with welled up eyes and head tilted to the side all while lame emo song plays in background

grungedave said...

My head hurts from trying to read this. I'm starting to think it's a long-winded cry for help from Drew.

Otto Man said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Otto Man said...

I made it three lines in.

But reading these comments, I have the sudden urge to buy my wife some flowers as a token of appreciation for never ever watching this piece of shit.

DCD said...

Spot on BDD...George and his limp dick and "McTeamy"...Bravo!

Or Moyal said...

Possibly the greatest KSK piece ever.

BeckEye said...

This is fantastic. Who says there's a writer's strike??

I just wish you had found room in that very special episode for McMarmalard.

BEHM777 said...

I LOL-ed so hard I vomited up my vittles.

/sleeping on couch

Tracer Bullet said...

My wife watches this crap show and since the computer is in the same room, I'm exposed to it. I want to bang Sara Ramirez until both our pelvises shatter and beat that shit-eater George until his head is nothing but a steaming pile of gelatinous goo. Good parody.

J.L. White said...

Drew, one of the benefits of being single is getting to avoid any mention of that estrogen-laden trainwreck of a TV show (yeah, the compromise is that I don't have regular sex with a woman, however). I think I'd be okay with this being a regular feature here (i.e. not calling you gay every time you post one), but don't forget to wrap things up by all the ladies getting fatally cannon-ized by the cumslinger himself (Katherine Heigl especially could use a visit from Sexy Rexy).

Ricardo said...

I don't care what anyone says, this was fucking BRILLIANT.

What does it all MEAN for me?!

swing4 said...

No recipe for your favorite type of food to eat while watching Grey's?

This show was good for the first four episodes, then it turned into 90210 set in a hospital and I stopped watching. Branden and Kelly end up together in the end... or something. I forget.

allie said...

I've only subjected myself to 2.5 episodes, 2 of which were spent praying for death. The .5 was when meredith was drowning or something, but that just got my hopes up.

my boyfriend's doctor friends like to bitch about how grey's is "so medically inaccurate". right, because that's clearly the show's biggest flaw. accuracy.

tiny350Z said...

I am proud to say, that I didn't get this post - because I have never seen an episode of that awful garbage.

KVV said...

After being passive-aggressively browbeaten into watching this show by the wife for three years, I realized it was all part of God's plan to bring me to this moment. This post. Without those three years of television waterboarding, this wouldn't make sense. Because of them, this was the highlight of my day. Well done, Drew. Hilarious.

Man Bear Pig said...

They’re a McTeamy!
Yes, yes indeed they are.

Can't say I've ever watched ths show, but since the girls are hot, I'd say there's worse shit to be subjected to for free football weekends.