You Can Trust Me, I'm a God Damn Genius!
Welcome to the WILDCARD edition of Always Be Covering! I got lucky last week when I was unable to get my bet down on New England. The result? 3-0 in the remaining straight up bets and a surprising win on a 3-team teaser. Damn, Week 17 rules. Oh well, we're on to the playoffs now and this is where shit gets tight like underage vagina.
As if you couldn't tell after two years of the MOST guaranteed football picks on the planet, I am a fucking (non-Germanic) wunderkind. And I'm not just about identifying winners in practically HALF of the games I pick, it also extends into the world of fantasy. You may remember a certain Big Daddy briefly mentioning his abject failure in the finals of the Yahoo!!! Blogxperts league, but what's really important was that it was I that kicked his big old hairy ass. It wasn't just a victory for me, but for all of the other beautiful youngsters out there. So feel free to join me in a quick celebration...
Oh shit, I think I'm a bit too jacked up for this, hang on...
On to the Wildcard picks! Each wager is for an even fifty (just like the one pictured above, only less numb).
Washington +3.5 at Seattle
My Redskins aren't the team of destiny that all of the shitbreath analysts are making them out to be, but they sure as hell can hang with the ass-spelunking Seahawks. Joe Gibbs and Mike Holmgren will each be given an extra five timeouts to ensure that they don't fuck things up too royally.
Jacksonville -3 at Pittsburgh
There's an ancient Chinese proverb that reads, "Always bet heavy on the hot team entering the playoffs." Then there's the ancient Korean proverb that reads, "Hines Ward is super terrific number one football!" At first I was torn, then I remembered that Koreans don't know dick about the NFL.
New York Giants +3 at Tampa Bay
You want a real rush? Bet on Elisha in the playoffs.If you've ever had an aneurysm you know what I'm talking about. FEEL THE EXCITEMENT PULSING IN YOUR CEREBELLUM!
San Diego -10 vs. Tennessee
Hey, I remembered to pick a home team! They tend to do fairly well in the post season if I'm not mistaken. Jeff Fisher and Jon Gruden should get a special ribbon for trying really really hard every year.
There you have it people, the locks of the week. Here's what I'll be doing with my winnings...
Enjoy the magical weekend everyone. I'll be taking you through it all over at Deadspin.
ed. note: I have no clue what's going to happen this weekend, so just pretend that I made this picks on Xanax. Yes...pretend.
12 comments:
UM I was hoping you would split a eight ball with me this weekend. Oh well maybe Neil Patrick Harris will be down.
I'll snort a line with NPH any time!
lines? fuck that, i'm craving burgers...furrrrburgers
Those are ribbons of SHAME!
If we could get Herm Edwards involved somehow in the Skins-Hawks game, then wed hav the greatest clock managers all involved in that game.
Wait, is UM a baby, or Jennifer Love Hewitt? I'm confused.
"You want a real rush? Bet on Elisha in the playoffs."
can I gouge out my eyes with a spork, now?
So Unsilent Majority is really Baby Einstein?
Good to know.
There's an ancient Chinese proverb that reads, "Always bet heavy on the hot team entering the playoffs." Then there's the ancient Korean proverb that reads, "Hines Ward is super terrific number one football!"
I just shit myself
Keep an eye on Big Ben going for Garrard after the game. The announcers will have you believe he's congratulating him on a game well played. He'll actually be slipping him $600 and saying "One blonde, one Asian. Ten PM sharp."
I definitely should not have clicked on the picture of the broad to get a closer look. The fakeness of the bills is comical; they might as well have used Monopoly money. Also, on further review, she's wearing underwear. Dammit.
The fakeness of the bills is comical; they might as well have used Monopoly money.
Was your first clue the fact that they apparently put the portrait of President Arthur Fonzarelli on the $100 bill?
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