Thursday, January 10, 2008

The Emo Eagles Let Out a Mighty Cry

mood: pensive :|

I was fishing around for updates on Samantha's deviantART and Facebook pages, listening to Belle & Sebastian's "Is It Wicked Not to Care" when Phil shoots me over this link on McNabb wanting the Eagles to load up in the offseason.

Now there's something I can get behind. But I think I understand the underlying uneasiness in his words. He writes about players feeling replaced if they bring in newer marquee ones, no doubt tapping into his own anxieties with a hard-charging young quarterback waiting in the wings.

I was plagued with similar pangs for months once Samantha started hanging around that Mathias guy. Sure, they were only classmates in some night school classes she was taking, but they recently spent a Saturday afternoon at the Magritte exhibit downtown. She knows I like Magritte. Guys in bowler hats and pipes! Sheer absurdity. Then just the other day, I see a heavy detailed oil portrait of his cock on her deviantART page.

Don't know if I should start to be worried.

Samantha doesn't like to watch sports, meaning I have to be kind of furtive about my fandom. Every time it comes up in passing, I get the rundown about how it's androcentric and heteronormative. Sure, I say - hoping to look those up later - but aren't most things? Then she lays the whole "football causes domestic abuse" line on me. What am I supposed to say to that? Boom Bitch? Haha. Kidding, of course. Can't believe I just wrote that.

We were the only team in the NFC East not to go to the playoffs this year. Sure, there's more substantive concerns. The world is full of dark torment and a forbidding swirl of anomie, but how am I supposed to care about the elections or some Bhutto assassination when the Eagles are in the cellar and the Phillies get swept out the playoffs?

It's really a curious analog, myself and my teams. The fans at the Linc are a little too rough and tumble for me and I think the same applies to Donovan. We weight issues in similar ways also, carefully considering them and then whining endlessly even if it's detrimental to their resolution. Samantha says she dislikes that about me. I say there's a lesson to be learned from the lachrymose. Look what it's doing for Hillary.

In fact, I'm crying now. Wow. I hope he stays.

33 comments:

The Pirate Sloth said...

You had me at :|

quiet strength said...

Green...like the color of her eyes...

Rob I said...

That mustache is an ironic statement.

Les Savy Ferd said...

wow, you'd think he'd know what androcentric and heteronormative mean if he uses words like lachrymose and anomie. emo indeed. better off without sam tho, she sounds like a tease--that and she might have a bigger penis than you, brah.

Greg Schuler said...

I call shenanigans. A true emo nerd would be listening to his vinyl Tigermilk LP - anything off of Boy with the Arab Strap marks you as a poseur.

Or is that the point?

Er, nevermind.

mike said...

'I wish my lawn was emo so it would cut itself'

Ian MacKaye wants to know why this is funny

Bill Belichick said...

Remember when slitting your wrists over a girlfriend, or your football team not making the playoffs its "up the river, down the river", not "crossing the street".

Upstate Underdog said...

Did anyone else have to look up what lachrymose means ? You learn something new everyday.

MonkeyBoy said...

/ Leitch ?

Captain Caveman said...

I listen to bands that don't even exist yet.

Dubya said...

Then just the other day, I see a heavy detailed oil portrait of his cock on her deviantART page.

Don't know if I should start to be worried.


Dude, man, your girlfriend is a FUCKING WHORE. She's out there gobbling more knob than ... I dunno, Lindsey Lohan in a room with several men, I suppose.

And you wanna know why? It's because you're such a weak, whiny little emo-fag that she is unable to lubricate without closing her eyes and fantasizing about someone more masculine, like Richard Simmons.

Also, you're an Eagles fan, but I suppose that goes without saying.

My advice: Listen to the martial drum beat of "Welcome to the Black Parade" over and over again, until you grow enough balls to finally confront her and let her know that YOU know what's going on and that YOU are not going to put up with being cheated on behind your back because YOU are a cuckold and really want to be there for cleanup duty.

You're welcome.

Comicbook Guy said...

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!
Emo Eagles
God, this is so much better than work

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

If I had a dollar for every time a girl has asked me if she could paint a heavy detailed oil portrait of my cock.


...I would be broke.

Unsilent Majority said...

Dubya read 60 books last year.

Jelly B. Good said...

Ape the Hillary tears don't fool me... your just fishing for votes for the WebLog awards. I feel so disenfranchised, I think I'll just have to throw my vote away on Flub. Your false lachrymosity knows no end...

Big Daddy Drew said...

Ufford's an Eagle fan now?

K-Rock said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
K-Rock said...

I'm sitting at work confused as shit because i can't figure out if dubya is joking or not.

Otto Man said...

Dubya read 60 books last year.

And by "read," I assume you mean "colored in."

Because if he'd read them, he might have more than a passing familiarity with concepts like "sarcasm" and "fiction."

Apt nickname, though.

Chamomiles Davis said...

Yikes. Those two would get their asses kicked at the Linc without question. I never realized Brad Childress listened to My Chemical Romance.

I used to think "lachrymose" described a woman's breasts after childbirth. Huh, I like to learn new things every day.

Finally, this just in from Donovan:

Do me a favore.
Tell the cops to go down the hall to the bathroom.
I'm soooooo sorry.
<3.


/Still an Eagles fan

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

I just finished Little T Learns to Share. I highly recommend it Dubya.

http://www.amazon.com/Little-Learns-Share-Time-Outs/dp/1933771208

Leaking Geek said...

After reading this post I'm feeling as brittle as a McNabb ACL.

Lachrymose - classic.

On a semi-related note: Does anyone else think Donovan needs to pick up a dictionary to comprehend "IRONY" after calling out his team "to secure some playmakers."

futuremrsrickankiel said...

It's funny that they're Eagles fans... I actually kind of assumed this is what all Seattle fans are like.

Wanna said...

I'm going to need to know who the hell found my 10th Grade livejournal for legal purposes.

devang said...

@futuremrsrickankiel

It's funny that they're Eagles fans... I actually kind of assumed this is what all Seattle fans are like.

Refer to BDD's comment.

J.L. White said...

I actually kind of assumed this is what all Seattle fans are like.

Apparently, we're no longer the Fraiser Crane-like softies that care more about wine-tasting than sports. The new stereotype is that we're a cabal of rude, classless, violent thugs that are 100 times worse than Eagles fans.

Just ask the Maj.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Oh damn... and here I am entertaining visions of Seahawks fans sitting in coffee shops sipping (soy?) lattes and watching the game on mute while crappy live music plays in the background and raindrops trickle poignantly down the windowpanes.

No?

Unsilent Majority said...

Just ask the Maj.

uh...sure. whatever makes you feel less slighted.

Ben said...

I'm an Eagles fan and I found this funny, unlike all you Pats fans who can't take a fucking joke.

And using heteronormative? what PC liberal arts college did this woman pay $45,000 a year to attend?

CLARE. said...

I call shenangians: PMA isn't considered downtown, it's in Fairmount, and there's no Magritte exhibit there right now.

Everything else, though...it reads like something lifted straight from board.crewcial.org or Philthy. Terrifying attention to detail, Ape. Could we have we run into each other at Making Time?

Christmas Ape said...

So you read my Missed Connections on Craig's List?

Brian said...

I'd have gone with Tweegles if you were going to make a Belle & Sebastian reference, the rest is gold though.

Landru said...

Not that you should give a fuck, but I'm really pleased with how your writing has actually gotten funny.