Monday, January 28, 2008

You Must Be Another Handsome Boy Graduate


Photog: Yes. YES. That's it. Show it to me. Give me ze claws. You're a TIGAH.

[snaps pictures]

Lunge at me, Tigah! Play with my innards! Toss them about like confetti and roll around in zem! Strut confidently in your nature preserve. You're a savage beast incapable of remorse or spleeet ends. Make me lust for your senseless need to kill.

[snaps pictures]

Okay we're done. [Waves hand] Be gone.

Where is my three o'clock? Michele demands to know.

[Door flies open, rose petals scatter forth while celestial music plays]

Tom Brady: You would be well advised to make an inquiryyyyyyyyy

Hey everybody. I hope my tardiness didn't put you off your schedule. Did I? Really? Huh? Gee, I'm sorry.

Just flying in from Monte Carlo. It's a lovely town but it wears on you after the first few dozen visits. They have these weird, magic elves there that healed my ankle in almost no time at all, freeing me up to engage in a 12-way with these crazy Persian princesses and then I got a mud bath. Good as new! [Carefree whistling]

[Finds a $100 bill in pocket]

Hey, whaddayaknow?

Photog: Zo we are ready to begin, yes?

Brady: Yeah. Great. Let's do it.

Photog: Yes! Yes! Preheat my face to a million degrees and make it melt, fancy man. Don't give me fey! Give me coy! No, that's arch!

Yes! Better.


[Theme to "Greatest American Hero" ringtone goes off]

Brady: Hold on. [Answers] Hello? Oh, hey, Randy. Yeah, would love to hang out, but I'm in the middle of something. You wanted to eat where? Can we push it back to seven? Yeah, sure, Wes and Asante can come, too. The more the merrier. Uh-huh. Okay, cool. Yeah, see you then. [Turns off phone]

Heh. Teammates. Love those guys.

Now where were we?

Photog: Yes! Tussle the hair. Give me about 30 percent more nonchalance. Raffish up zat smile.

Photog: Zokay. More smoldering. More! No, that merely scalds me! I need ze white hot! Sizzling may work on zhose bobby sockers but the camera zees your lies! I want heat spots to develop on the film!

Photog: There. You have done it. My camera has literally been engulfed in flame. Another stroke of genius by Michele. Go now, mindless meathunk.

Brady: We're all done? Awesome. Thanks.

[Eats Wonka bar, finds golden ticket]


Hey, all right!

42 comments:

Otto Man said...

"I am a male model. Not a male prostitute!"

Drave said...

Sweet pic of Bradylard :)

larry b said...

(Insert Zoolander jokes here)

smurphette said...

"You would be well advised to make an inquiryyyyyyyyy"

Just, wow. And there's your next t-shirt. The anti-Marmalard, indeed.

Upstate Underdog said...

I'm not sure what made me more sick to my stomach: the last post or all these pictures of Brady.

Phony Gwynn said...

On that last pic, someone needs to use a little magnet and clear away all that stubble/metal shavings.

Brady's a douchebag said...

Sorry but on the douchebag scale

Brady>Marmalard

Brady just pulls off being a douchebag with more finesse and class than Marmalard (like a true Boston Brahman)

J.L. White said...

You may think those photos of Brady were taken at different times, but you'd by wrong. He has the ability to grow day-old stubble on his face in an instant, and then return to a clean shave just as quickly. His powers feed off the douche-ness that eminates from Boston, you know...

Comicbook Guy said...

finesse is what makes it work, my friend. Solid Patroit-hater work.

Brady's a douchebag said...

@comicbook guy

A douchebag by any other name is still a douchebag. Finesse or not.

twoeightnine said...

Yeah a lot of times, I’ll admit it, it’s not easy being handsome.

Jelly B. Good said...

@apey

forgot to mention how when he farts it sounds like angels singing and the smell of Acqua Di Gio comes out, or that his spooge tastes like the finest creme brulee.

Jelly B. Good said...

or so I've heard...

Spud Randall said...

It's like my man Weezy said:

Got these other haters pissed
cause my toilet paper's thick

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

He gotta big forehead aight, but he ain't got a Peyton Manning forehead.

-Reggie Nelson

Rally Monkey Spanker said...

No Right Said Fred lyrics for Captain Ameri-douche?

"And I'm too sexy for Milan, too sexy for Milan, New York and Japan

I'm too sexy for my cat, too sexy for my cat, Poor pussy poor pussy cat"

John John The Bastard said...

For some reason I was happier about the title than the actual article, perhaps due to my love of Chris Elliot, Prince Paul and Dan The Automator (So, How's Your Girl is one hell of an album.)
/unfunny music snobbery

Captain Caveman said...

+1 tech n9ne

dick_gozinia said...

phone rings...

Believe it or not Tom Brady isn't at home/

Please leave a message at the beep/

I must be out or I'd pick up the phone/

Where could I be?/

Believe it or not....I'm not home/

Russell K said...

Bridget: Hey Tom, I think we should just be friends. Also, I'm pregnant, but you won't have to do any of the work when it comes to raising the kid. By the way, have you met my friend Gisele? She's a model, I'd like for you to show her a good time tonight.

From the other side of town said...

"Door Flies Open"

The mental image starts forming of either Jerry or Marmalard.

"Door whooshes open"

That's a Brady entrance.

Hercules Rockefeller said...

I'm Lank Thompson and I'm a handsome man.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

I agree that "Door whooshes open" feels more accurate... somehow, I'm fairly certain that doors simply open for Brady without his needing to apply force in any way. Perhaps the doors just melt, quivering, like so many horny 14-year-old girls, at his feet?

Don't lie, Ape... how much did you enjoy spending time looking for all those smoldering photos of His Bradyness? Or did you already have them in a special folder on your computer?

85 said...

Needs a "wire coat hangers" tag.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Ha... see what I did there... implying that you have a homosexual attraction to Tom Brady?

I'm so freaking original.

MaxwellDemon said...

So real, it's like I was there. For serious--I once saw a guy photographing a model on the beach and he actually said, "Give me smoldering." That is a weird career. Photographing undressed women WITH their consent? Shudder.

smurphette said...

@futuremrs: He totally has a folder on his desktop labelled "Dreamboat Pics."

Otto Man said...

Slow day, so here's the "Get a Life" skit that gave HBMS its start.

"Hi -- Sparkles, professional male model."

Christmas Ape said...

Nah, that's what the zip drive is for.

Upstate Underdog said...

thanks Otto

duke said...

"I guess I've had my first taste of the filthy side of this business!"

futuremrsrickankiel said...

A zip drive is nice and high-tech... I was envisioning something more along the lines of a locker with photos taped up inside.

Did anyone else read that Klosterman piece about the Patriots being too perfect, in which he painstakingly analyzes that photo of Gisele and Tom as though he were writing for one of those "STARS' BODY LANGUAGE: WHAT DOES IT MEAN" features in Us Weekly? Gay journo-porn overload. Wowza.

Chip Fu said...

Anti-marmalard?

[balls up wonka wrapper, throws through reinforced concrete wall]

Otto Man said...

My pleasure UU.

Here's the segment before it, where the other main quotes from the album come from.

"Bring your beautiful face, and a check for sixty dollar, down to our swank offices, located down on Route 9, behind the carpet warehouse..."

Jim said...

Prince Paul and Automator made me the best model in all the Balkan countries put together.

Otto Man said...

"If it were not for Handsome Boy Modeling School, I would still have sixty dollars."

Rant_Casey said...

You know some-a-times it's not-a that-a easy.
It's not all a cup-a-cakes and a jesus juice like you might assume.

allie said...

psh, who doesn't have a homosexual attraction to tom brady?

liars. that's who.

Jack N said...

In a past life, Brady must have been a kid one of Jerry's kids with a terminal illness.

BeckEye said...

Did you hear there was a poll done by some cheesy dating site? They asked women to rank their top "hot" QBs and Tom Brady actually finished #7, BELOW doofy Eli Manning. The backup QB from the Ravens came in first. He looks like a date rapist, so apparently, that's what we chicks like.

Ben-T said...

lmfao great post.

Jay said...

wait what

Women think Kyle Boller and/or Steve McNair and/or Troy Smith (I forget which one is the backup these days) is sexy? Fuck, this explains why I'm single. Bitches be crazy! It's so obvious!