Monday, January 28, 2008

I Believe The Patriots Will Avail Because They Masturbate The Ball Down The Feel So Affectionately


When I was asked to renumerate over my Super Bowl pick, I really had to contemporate what the differences between these teams are. And let me tell you, the differences between these teams are manifest! Now, the Giants have played atrophyingly well in the postseason. They’ve built up some serious mentholatum. I also like how they use Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw in a pontoon system. But, with Eli Manning throwing the ball so good, it makes the team so much more two-directional.

I also like the bounce the Giants have established defensively. With the front four racking hammock up front, that gives defensive corroborator Steve Spaghetti the agility to mix his coven of witches in the secretary. They’re very flaxseed oil like that.

BUT… I cannot ignore how well these Patriots can masturbate the ball down the feel. THEY DO IT SO AFFECTIONATELY! With Laurence Macaroni in the backfeel, and Kevin Faulk catching those outlet malls, they can really masturbate it up and down the feel. They can run outside the hash pipes, or pound it right up the butt. That’s the reason I think they will avail down in Felix on Sunday.

And that’s just the running backs! The Patriots don’t have to intimate you up front in order to win. They can also play with great fitness as well. When you have a Randy Moss, and a Wes Welker, and a Donte Stallworth, you’re going to be able to extort those backup players in the secretary. And the Giants have injuries! Let me tell you, they are like a rash unit over there! I do not think some of their backup players will be able to rehabitate in time for this matchup, and that’s going to prove paranoid in this battle of tits between Coughlin and Belichick.

But I hope I’m wrong! I hope this is a close, tight conflagration. If the Giants can stay in close peroxide to the Patriots’ score in the 4th quarter, I think they will have a very good chance to you slurp that title away. But it won’t be easy! This is going to be very, very compensated for the Giants.

But I’m looking forward to it. I’ve won a Super Bowl title, and it’s an amazing feeling. It’s the pinocchio of sport.

27 comments:

Crazy Little Thing said...

Fuck and yes.

Otto Man said...

"Me fail English? That's unpossible!"

Eric said...

ohhh, malapropisms. i think alvin harper taught him everything he knows.

twoeightnine said...

I think I had a stroke half way through.

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

The Emmitt Smith Centre Free Lids Woo Cantalope Red Food Ant Went Toe Doe Otter Stiff Butter Taco

Chamomiles Davis said...

mexico,

Here's what's really goddamned sad: I understood that immediately.

A Fly Moses said...

The brilliance of this is that halfway through, I couldn't even figure out what the hell he was trying to say anymore.

devang said...

Pure. Gold.

There's no way he can pronounce Welker's name correctly. Wexler, Wekler, Wallach are some names that come to mind.

Fucking genius anyway.

@Chamomiles Davis - Pootie Tang?

Otto Man said...

Zoolander.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

They can run outside the hash pipes, or pound it right up the butt.

-Gay Mafia's mission statement?

Jordania112 said...

Genius. I'll be down in Felix this weekend too. Looking forward to seeing the Pats masturbate all over the field.

(Five One Eight) said...

It's gotten so bad that I can't even figure out half the words he should have used. But that could be bacause I'm dumber than a retread.

smurphette said...

Steve Spaghetti sounds like a NJ pimp who specializes in role playing scenarios. And "racking hammock" has to be a euphemism for something.

Pemulis said...

fool Emmitt W. Tyson Berra Smith once, shame on you, fool him twice, he will eat your children till its over

Pepster said...

Reggie Nelson replies, "Emmit Smith may not have been good at English in school, but there is no way he is as bad at English as Channing Crowder was in Geography.

Wait - Smith, Crowder and I all went to the University of Florida and this entire comment is an indictment of the Gators' educational system? How did that happen?"

SlideShow Bob said...

"Kool Aid" is a great nickname but Laurence Macaroni is out of this world. Plus between Macaroni and Steve Spaghetti i think Emmit had pasta on his mind, maybe he was at a olive garden

Smello said...

I miss Mad Libs.

Tom Holzerman said...

Brilliant

StuScottBooyahs said...

Charlie Weiss and Bill Parcells, now THAT'S a battle of tits.

Barney said...

I have been conjugatin on this warp of words and have been wander'in how the soul train of Walt Kelley has gravitator-gator-hatoraided from from Pogo to Yogi to Emmit. But why ever this stripification to NFLification vagivatation happened I think it's winterful. Please corntinue these pigskin delayed onanisms.

- Dannelke

Okefenokee, PA.

Chip Fu said...

It is the quasi-menstrual....excuse me...quasi-MODO...phlebitis that makes your post so...clitoric.

/ Oswald Bates

Brazil Thrill said...

I know this is late but... bravo BDD. That one hit me right in the funny bone, and I'm not talking about the one in my pants.

Mike said...

Laughing too hard to type.

With the front four racking hammock up front, that gives defensive corroborator Steve Spaghetti the agility to mix his coven of witches in the secretary. They’re very flaxseed oil like that.

Holy shit, I didn't think anything could have me laughing like this.

Jeffrey said...

Are we really ok accepting that Emmit knows the word conflagration? Even used improperly...

Barney said...

I locked up for a full minute trying to translate "flaxseed oil" into flexible. Can't wait for someone to get mandatory sensitivity training for reading this shit out loud in their cubicles like Amos & Andy attempting to catch the nuances. Or "nude onset" or some shit.

the chief said...

this all depends if the giants make the superbowl, which they 'probably' will.

emmitt smith is like that famous prohecy guy, notredamist

Reggin said...

Thank you.