Monday, January 14, 2008

"I Don't See What's So Funny About These Wade and Jerry Posts"

The wearied look of the fastidious.

Jaguars rookie safety Reggie Nelson, part of a defensive unit that allowed Tom Brady to complete an NFL record 92.9 percent of his passes Saturday night, dismissively remarked of Brady to reporters after the game, "He ain't all that … He's all right."

What might strike some as smacking of bitterness after being ripped in historic fashion by the league's MVP is actually in keeping with Nelson's tendency of being difficult to impress. Here follows a sampling of some of the best of his blase.

"'I Have a Dream'? Shit. That ain't new. We ALL have dreams."

"The Beatles? Meh. I guess Revolver was okay."

"Water into wine??? What good is wine if the motherfucker ain't going to make some cheese too?"

"3:10 to Yuma was good, if you're into remakes. Which I'm not."

"Why would I want indoor plumbing? The outhouse is holdin' up fine."

"Picasso? A genius? Please. Have you seen that Cubist crap? It's the EXACT SAME THING as Braque!!!"

"Language? Pfft. Whatever. We was doing all right grunting and writing glyphs on the wall."

"Why would I want to convert to Fiat? The gold standard is doing great!"

"Philip Rivers is a dickbag. But he's no Dane Cook."

"Jonas Salk? Pussy. I had polio once. I got my ass out of bed, caught three interceptions and banged a stewardess on the flight home."

"If you ask me A Brief History of Time is an amusing work of harebrained conjecture but ultimately irrelevant."

"Y'all think Amy Winehouse is having a fucked-up time? Shit. I call that 'Tuesday Night.'"

"Sure, the Mariana Trench is deep. But I've met girls with deeper chatches."

"Sir Edmund Hillary was great, yeah. He still died, though, didn't he?"

"The Great Wall of China? What's so great about it? 's just one wall. You can just walk around it. Don't protect you from the rain neither."

[Shown picture of Adriana Lima]

(yawns) "Too old."

"Why's Fibonacci gotta have a whole sequence named after him? That's greedy. I get by okay with just one number."

"'Birth of Venus'"? [makes jerk-off motion with hand]

"You liked No Country for Old Men? Get the fuck out. The ending was stupid!"

"Al-Qaeda? More like Shit Qaeda. They were, what, three of four on 9/11? Hell, Tom Brady had a better completion percentage on Saturday, and we already know he ain't all that."

"Yeah, the Burj Dubai is pretty tall, but I bet you can't get good barbecue there."

82 comments:

Upstate Underdog said...

A-bomb dropped on Hiroshima ? No big deal, it didn't kill everyone in the city.

the great bambi said...

God created the Universe? Whatever, my parents made me and that's just as impressive.

the great bambi said...

Beethoven? Beethoven wasn't so great, how can you say someone's great who never had his picture on a bubble gum card?

John John The Bastard said...

Guess what, Martin Luther King, I had a fuckin' dream, too! I had a dream that I was in my living room. It wasn't my living room but it was, like, playing my living room in the dream. And I walked through to the backyard and there's a pool and as I'm diving in, there's a shark coming up from the water... with braces! So maybe you're not so fucking special! Martin Loser King!

Sorry but that was all I could think of when I saw that first opinion.

the great bambi said...

Citizen Kane? Who cares about a stupid sled in Jacksonville, we never get snow.

the great bambi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Josh said...

That hit LT put on Theismann? Pffft. Dude's still alive, ain't he?

the great bambi said...

Roman Empire? Shit I saw the Coliseum, bigger dump than the shit I grew up in. Plus they couldn't even beat the Germans, you see what happened in World War I and II? Weak sauce Romans, weak sauce.

the great bambi said...

William Wallace? Man if that dude was so bad, why could they cut his nuts off? No 14th century blade can damage these brass balls.

Phony Gwynn said...

Them Redwoods is nothing but a bunch a big fuckin' twigs, man.

the great bambi said...

KSK? Not like those fuckers invented dick jokes.

the great bambi said...

The Godfather? Whatever, it insists on itself.

naptown drew said...

Kissing Suzy Kolber? Sheeeiiiittt. I FUCKED that bitch!

the great bambi said...

Einstein? The dude failed math, even I knew how to get a tutor to take all my tests for me.

Christmas Ape said...

You had me at the Schroeder reference, Bambi

Andrew said...

Ok... I do not find the Pats-fans-are-racist slant that funny, but I am not going to let that interfere with my appreciation of other posts.

That was fucking hilarious.

the great bambi said...

Socrates? All that fool did was ask questions, never gave any answers.

the great bambi said...

X-mas ape,

lucy and reggie would make kids unimpressed with anything ever

Slash said...

I predict Nelson will see about 5,000 homemade "He ain't all that" signs the next time he plays against the Patriots.

Of course, many of them will be misspelled.

But still, that's the kind of shit that haunts a dude for years afterwards. You really should let the hurt wear off before you make statements to the press.

Dummy.

Guiness319 said...

I seen the grand canyon. was a'ight. I make bigger holes in the earth when i tackle mark-ass bitches like randy moss.

My Insignificant Life said...

Moses parted the Red Sea? Old man probably couldn't swim.

the great bambi said...

George Washington? So what if he's the "Father of our Country," Travis Henry and I are workin to father enough kids to start our own country too, ain't no one praising us for it.

the great bambi said...

300 Spartans held off a million Persians? So what, they died didn't they? Now Leonidas can't fuck his hot wife anymore, what kinda fool gives that up? I know I'm still fuckin her.

John John The Bastard said...

He ain't all that... He's alright.
But Brady leads the league in Pirouettes.

the great bambi said...

Israel won a 6-day war? Shit I played War against my cousin, won in 15 minutes, little bitch couldn't handle my 3 Aces.

Christmas Ape said...

"The Great Bambi comments are funny, but has he ever written a post for KSK?"

naptown drew said...

Abraham Lincoln abolished slavery and everything but he sure as shit couldn't dodge a bullet to save his life.

/trying to be as funny as Bambi, failing

Pepster said...

Tim Tebow wone the Heisman? He ain't nothing. Damn fool never won a championship since I left school!

quiet strength said...

You think Pats fans are douchebags? Shit, they ain't nothing compared to Red Sox fans...

The Pirate Sloth said...

I just keep looking at Adriana. Fuck trying to be funny.

the great bambi said...

Yankees won 26 World Championships? When's the last time they even beat a foreign team in the playoffs?

the great bambi said...

Knute Rockne? Never woulda won anything if the Gipper didn't die.

devang said...

Hitler killed 6 million? Hell, that's nothing compared to Stalin or Pol Pot

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Cy Young? Pfft. Sucker. More like Cy Old.

the great bambi said...

NEil Armstrong walked on the moon? So did a dude named Buzz, and those rocks they brought back? feel like the same shit we have here.

the great bambi said...

David slew Goliath? He said God helped him so it was 2 on 1. And those Psalms he wrote? Fuckin' songs don't even rhyme

the great bambi said...

Bill Gates? Of course he has money, he's white. Now make a copy of Windows that doesn't suck.

smurphette said...

Jesus was the savior? What's that, like a safety who doesn't get pizaid? And my black ass ain't nailed to no cross -- the only one doing the nailing around here is me.

@naptown drew: +1

Very inspired work, boys.

Les Savy Ferd said...

no 'we could do this all day' tag?

the great bambi said...

Walt Disney? Did he really create the "happiest place on Earth"? One trip to my bedroom and you ladies will disagree.

the great bambi said...

Stephen Hawkings? If that dude's so smart, why can't he walk yet?

the great bambi said...

Wilt Chamberlain? 20,000 women? Where I come from that's known as spring break. And 100 points in 1 game? I bet they were all lay ups, dunks, and free throws, buncha check downs if you ask me.

the great bambi said...

The apologetic Brian Urlacher? Reggie don't apologize for shit.

naptown drew said...

It takes Peyton and Eli to lick a Double Stuffed? Y'all ain't never met my nigga Fred Smoot.

the great bambi said...

Christmas Ape? Think you're smart using words like lachrymose, anomie, and fastidious? Probably uses a word -of-the-day calendar for them.

the great bambi said...

Seinfeld? A humorous show, but it's no Frank TV

the great bambi said...

Walter Cronkite? Yeah he could read the news but so does Katie Couric

the great bambi said...

Duct tape? Yeah it fixes everything but there's still world hunger

Christmas Ape said...

The Great Bambi is actually Reggie Nelson. How else would he have the time to comment so much?

the great bambi said...

what can i say it's a slow day in mom's basement

Clock Cleaner said...

man you're killing your own jokes. it's just out of hand

Captain Caveman said...

Bambi: STEP AWAY FROM THE KEYBOARD.

Pemulis said...

Bambi, great? maybe, but your mother was still shot by hunters

J.L. White said...

A sarcastic sports fan that has nothing better to do during a Monday afternoon than comment on a website? Pffft. How come.....nah, you're perfect in every way. Bambi, can I be your apostle, please?

the great bambi said...

of course j.l. white (jaleel white?), not like I've got anything occupying my time anyway

J.L. White said...

Did I do that?

/shut the fuck up

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Bambi? He alright. He never ran a BBD post into the ground though.

18-1 said...

Bambi... yah, he's gay, but he's no Peter King...

Mike said...

I couldn't stop laughing at both the post and Bambi's non stop comments.

Fastness said...

Yes. Throwing to constantly wide open receivers with zero pressure is all that. Got it.

the great bambi said...

one more before i head home from work...i mean help mom with dinner

Indiana Jones? Yeah he finds a lotta cool shit, but Belloq just keeps taking it

Laughing Week said...

As an asshole pats fan, I can enjoy this!

Awful Chief said...

That guy talking to my ex-girlfriend may be charming, but when's the last time he got a +1 for a Deadspin comment?

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

An interview in Penthouse? There's not even penetration in that rag.

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

Sliced bread? I can cut it myself, thanks.

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

Sunny side up? We all know you just forgot to break the yolk.

allie said...

I appreciated the windows joke most of all, and that depresses me. between vista and word 2007, bill gates has turned the relationship between me and my computer into what can only be described as seething hatred.

die, powerpoint.

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

Yeah, robert is a bitter fan with no sense of humor, but Tommy from Quinzee is worse.

the great bambi said...

Yeah Mel Blanc did all the Looney Tunes voices, but it's not like he drew the cartoons too

Pale Writer said...

X? Well, Y > X. Scoff.

the great bambi said...

Yeah Alexander conquered vast territories that stretched across three continents, but did you see the shitty movie that led to?

the great bambi said...

Yeah Mikey may be the big winner tonight and so money he doesn't even know it, but he drives a red cavalier

the great bambi said...

Yeah Bruce Lee could kick major ass and killed Chuck Norris in Return of the Dragon, so why did taking aspirin kill him?

Brady's a douchebag said...

Jessica is all that..'cept for Homo doing her. Bitch liked my cum gurgling down her throat. Guess I is all that!!!

mark said...

Magellan? Hell no. Took him three years. A hooker went around the world on me in 20 minutes last night.

Gourmet Spud said...

Hey all, just stopping by and saw that there were 76 comments, so thought I'd pop in and see what I'd miss...

...I see.

klitzman said...

That facker Nelson, doesn't even realize the greatness of Tawmmy Braydee or the best receivah evah, Wes Welkah.

J.L. White said...

Sure, Luke Skywalker blew up the Death Star....whatever, the fruit is still a virgin!

larry b said...

Tits? Sure, they're cool, but they ain't vaginas.

hi there mary said...

gisele? please. when i want a hot foreign bitch i call silky garrard.

Jay said...

Led Zeppelin? Like hell. I make better music than them on the toilet during my post-match dump

Pave the Whales said...

Sistine Chapel? Bitch, please. I had some Mexicans paint my ceiling in like an hour, and it ain't got gay-ass naked dudes all over it.