Thursday, January 17, 2008

Cooking with Chef 'Chick: Mumble Pie


One of the more grating and oft-repeated mantras by the Patriots and echoed by the media has been the "humble pie" that head coach Bill Belichick feeds to his squad of cyberkinetic douchebots each week to putatively keep them grounded and keep them from taking the competition lightly. And it's surely a potent elixir, as those reticent, ever-respectful Pats would never speak ill of another team.

As with many of New England's strategies, including those stolen from other teams, it's a closely guarded secret at the Belichick compound. Thankfully, because the latest soccer mom he banged was able to swipe it off the door of the minifridge he sleeps against in a dark alley, we've obtained a copy.

Ingredients:

  • Tom Brady Yankees hats (2)
  • One (1) of the whopping 19,000 season tickets the Patriots sold in 1992
  • Substance provided by Rodney Harrison that totally isn't steriods, we swear
  • Blood extracted from Randy Moss' girl, by hand (2 cups)
  • Blood extracted from Randy Moss' girl, by knife (1 gallon)
  • A sprinkling of Bruschi stroke medication to enhance flavor
  • Ectoplasm from Donte Stallworth's alien friend, Nicco
  • Comments on blogs by obnoxious fans after wins (somewhere in the millions)
  • Construda (but only on obvious non-passing downs to keep the defense honest)
  • Letters from stupid teams inquiring about Josh McDaniels (3)
  • Sand from Brady's vagina (3 tablespoons)
  • Undigested gristle from Vince Wilfork's stomach
  • Pink Red Sox hats (23,000)
  • Mumblemumblemumblemumblemumble (mumble)
  • 3 cups of skin cells (white)
  • Piece of Wes Welker's "coon stick"
  • Piece of the Ben Coates jersey that Benjamin Watson sleeps with
  • Piece of actual Revolutionary War soldier's uniform, provided by Junior Seau
  • Asante Samuel route-jumping goggles

Preparation:

Push "record" button on camera.

Heat in wood-burning stove, preferably one from Logan Mankins' isolated cabin in the woods. Anything that doesn't run on Volektricity.

Cook for 45 minutes, during which advise team, "We're 17-0, men. But let's not get too full of ourselves. You're nothing more than a bunch of worthless automatons designed to execute my flawless game plan. I fucked all your wives last night."

Have Richard Seymour grab you an iced tea. Kneecap defensive coordinator Dean Pees with crowbar if it's not sweet enough. Stare fondly at picture of father in formal Navy attire while remainder of team looks on uneasily.

Remove pie from oven. Allow to cool on Chris Hanson's scrotum. Serves 53.

80 comments:

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

I eat humble pie on bowling nights so I don't take any of the pins lightly.

(It's delicious and makes me even hungrier)

Paul said...

Mumblemumblemumblemumblemumble (mumble)

ahahahaha

Mike said...

A Ben Coates reference, god damn that's classic.

K-Rock said...

who is chris hanson? that guy must never see the field

Sorry I had to

Love, Obnoxious Pats Fan

Upstate Underdog said...

ah yes, the 1992 season ticket holders. I can actually say I'm friends with a guy that has been a season ticket holder since 1991 ! And believe it or not he isn't a douche.

Daniel said...

How does this not get a 'haterade' tag?

GO PATS!

Brazil Thrill said...

- Andrea Kramer's pussy juice from the Tom Brady interview (2 quarts)
- Vince Wilfork's crack sweat (20 gallons)
- Bill Belichick's leftover sleeves (234)

Upstate Underdog said...

I've also seen this recipe call for an empty bottle of booze found in the stands from the old Foxboro Satdium a.k.a. the world's largest high school football stadium.

Christmas Ape said...

Nice, Brazil Thrill

Had meant to include the sleeves. I never do get the spices right.

the great bambi said...

@ k-rock

Chris Hanson's who belichick and the pats had to pay off and give a job to to keep the tape of brady walking into a house looking for a 15 year old girl from ever seeing the light of day

Otto Man said...

Clearly, Belichek's previous career as the Hamburglar has given him unique insights into the culinary arts.

Les Savy Ferd said...

Volek is the new Frank Reich! (which must make Marmalard the new Jim Kelly, an insult to both players, simultaneously)

i miss the good old days when the pats had curtis martin and bledsoe threw 68 times a game *sniff*.

Robut M. Nixon said...

One (1) of the whooping 12,000 season tickets the Patriots sold in 1992

Beautifully done, Ape. The pink hat (pink sock?) wearing Massholes all seem to conveniently forget this little fact.

Oh wait, that's because they'd never heard of the team before 2001.

Daniel said...

We don't forget that fact, it's just that none of us wanted to buy season tickets for a 1-15 team that at the time was headed for St. Louis. Or did you forget that little fact?

Otto Man said...

Something that didn't happen is a fact?

OK, then.

Big Jim Slade said...

Way 2B, Ape.

"It's IN therrrre ..."
[\mimicks old Prego commercial]

Upstate Underdog said...

was it the team or that shithole of a stadium or the combonation of those 2 facts ?

1989-93 in Patriots history or as i like to call them, the good old days.

Russell K said...

- One (1) eye gouged from Brandon Jacobs
- One (1) note from NFL refs ensuring that all calls will be in favor of the Patriots thanks to the large sum of money received
- Don Shula's tears (1 cup)

Junker23 said...

I'm in class right now and some cockbag is wearing a Pats shirt that says "UNDEFEATED" on it.

I think I might puke on him.

wrecking_ball said...

Ben "Amazing Technicolor Dream" Coates!

/Boomerized

Upstate Underdog said...

juner23, is he also wearing a backwards 2007 WS Champs Sox hat ?

Andrew said...

I cannot believe that someone wouldn't want to buy season tickets to a team that had been to the playoffs four times in the previous 25 years, played in a shithole of a stadium 30 miles from Boston, was in the process of being sold to a St. Louis businessman who made no secret that he wanted to move the team there by the current owner who had completely bungled a sexual harassment incident involving some of his players and a female newspaper reporter, and was coming off a 1-15 season.

The nerve.

Jordan said...

Since this is my first time commenting here, I want to start by saying I think you guys are hilarious, and am not offended by smack-talk against my team at all.

I would like to point out that sure, there were only 12,000 season ticket holders in 1992. But you have to understand that at that time the team was probably the worst-run franchise in the NFL, still reeling from the disastrous Victor Kiam ownership, and the then owner Orthwein was actively trying to move the team to St. Louis (he ended up selling the team to Kraft when he couldn't get out of his lease at Foxboro). Sales jumped dramatically in 1993, when Bill Parcells and Drew Bledsoe arrived, and remained strong even during the mediocre Pete Carroll years. So your suggestion that the Pats got no support until after SB XVI is a bit innacurate.

Of course, you're writing this for comedy purposes, so being accurate is understandably less a priority that being funny.

The Last Unitard said...

There are lots of shitty teams with shitty stadiums that are still mostly full every Sunday.

The same shit would happen if the Sawx had an extended run of shittiness.

Fairweather fans can eat a 12 piece bucked of dick.

The Last Unitard said...

Or a bucket. They are free to choose.

Upstate Underdog said...

be proud Patriots fan. I bet this guy would have owned season tickets in 1992, if he could have afforded them

http://withleather.com/post.phtml?pk=4798

Christmas Ape said...

The Redskins have perhaps the most unpleasant stadium in the league (even according to their own fans), a nice streak of relative ineptitude and an obnoxious owner. Yet they cram 90,000 people into FedEx every Sunday, with many thousands more on the waiting list for season tickets.

quiet strength said...

@douchebag Boston fans - Celtics home attendance last year = 16,843. Celtics home attendance this year = 18,624. Boston fans = fairweather douchebags.

Daniel said...

Xmas Ape:

If Snyder announced tomorrow that he was moving the Skins to LA, I'm guessing their season ticket order would see a huge dropoff.

85 said...

Eight home games a year. If you weren't fair weather fans, you'd sell out eight home games EVERY year. If I owned an NFL team that didn't sell more than 12,000 season tickets a year, I'd fucking move to St. Louis too.

Eat my ass, Boston.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Um. I'm not one to indulge in Masshole apologetics. But this?

"The same shit would happen if the Sawx had an extended run of shittiness. "

Sorry, but that's just not true. Red Sox fans have always been rabidly loyal. Say what you want about our football loyalties (I've been a fan since I was little, since my dad is a Boston native, but I know not every Pats fan has), but don't drag Sox fans as an example of fair-weather fandom in here. Every kid pre-2004 still grew up knowing that to be a Red Sox fan was to be something special.

Wow, I was actually offended by that. Don't take my rant personally.

Jordan said...

"The Redskins have perhaps the most unpleasant stadium in the league (even according to their own fans), a nice streak of relative ineptitude and an obnoxious owner. Yet they cram 90,000 people into FedEx every Sunday, with many thousands more on the waiting list for season tickets."

Well, the Redskins have been successful in the past, which helps. But, I have to ask, how well did DC fans support the Senators (either one)? DC seems to me to be primarily a football market, whereas Boston is obviously a baseball market first.

Christmas Ape said...

@jordan

Exactly. Boston is not a football city.

Jason said...

No one can top the Lions for shitty ownership. That's not even a contest.

Matt Millen is 50 games under 500. 50.

Upstate Underdog said...

no offense future mrs., but filling a ball park that seats 34,000 shouldn't be that hard to do

quiet strength said...

...and the Red Sox have only finished under .500 6 times since 1967.

Russell K said...

Since 2002, every Lions home game has been sold out. Know what the Lions 2001 record was? 2 - 14. They went 3 - 13 in 2002. What andrew and jordan are saying boils down to not wanting to support their team if it's shitty.

Jason said...

Russell k is right. Lions fans are stupid, and loyal.

50 games under .500.

wrecking_ball said...

And exactly what is special about being a Red Sox fan? Geeeez.

Jelly B. Good said...

so if I change my tag to "Mrs. Jelly" would you be nice to me too UU? you wussy wimp.... scccrraackkkkkk

Phony Gwynn said...

Personally, I'm down with anything and everything that gets Mercury Morris to shut the fuck up and go the fuck away forever.

But that's just me.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Sorry to be an asshole -- really, I am. The sad truth of the matter is that I completely and utterly lack rationality where the Red Sox are concerned. I'll let the Pats fan hating go on all day, but I guess the Sox-fan bashing just made me see red. (Get it?) But, seeing comments and generalizations on a website as a personal attack on me is pretty fucking stupid, so I'll go ahead and get over myself now.

Brian said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
twoeightnine said...

Mercury Morris will OD on coke within 5 years. You'd rather he be replaced with Bruschi and Vrabel and HGHarrison?

quiet strength said...

@brian - You conveniently left out main point of the post: "Yet they cram 90,000 people into FedEx every Sunday, with many thousands more on the waiting list for season tickets." Showing that delusion is indeed your forte. That and douchebaggery.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

...and that post immediately after mine is why I don't object to the ripping on Pats fans. Guhh.

Mark said...

@douchebag Boston fans - Celtics home attendance last year = 16,843. Celtics home attendance this year = 18,624. Boston fans = fairweather douchebags.

Less than a 2,000 person per game increase when a team goes from the 2nd worst record in the league to the best so far and THAT's your example of fairweather fans?? That's a pretty weak argument.

The Last Unitard said...

@futuremrs.

You're right. Fenway will always be full, and I'm not a Sox hater, per se.

However, I cannot deny the sudden explosion of Sox hats where there previously were none, spreading faster than the herpes that's going around Leavenworth, has caused an itching, burning sensation in my soul.

Christmas Ape said...

"You're equating the 2007 Redskins, a team with a rich history that went to the playoffs twice in the past three years"

Two out of the last three years, yes. But also four out of the last 15, dipshit.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

TLU: Fair enough... oh, and I think they make a cream for that now. Maybe a suppository.

Phony Gwynn said...

@289: I'll be fucking old by then, and hopefully won't give a shit.

The Last Unitard said...

Ok.. got the cream. I'm just going to go ahead and assume my soul is in my penis.

Jordan said...

Christmas Ape:

Not primarily, no.
Baseball takes up a lot of the sports oxygen around here, just the way it is. Even in the last several years, the Pats get a LOT less attention than the Sox.

Russell K:

That's nice, the Patriots have sold out every game since 1993. They haven't had any records that bad in that stretch, but there's a 5-11 or two in there. So, by your own logic, we support our football team more than you guys.

twoeightnine said...

You'll be old by February?

Chavtastic said...

Half the "fans" at Skins games are illegal immigrants - just ask Lou Dobbs. Too bad the Wiz and Caps can't fill seats with their smart and savvy fan base.

The Navigator said...

guhhh, for such an amazing post, these turned into the most serious comments evar.

Optional ingredients:
--One (1) small goat.
--Two (2) quarts of Moynahan breast milk.

quiet strength said...

2,000 people in a 18,000 stadium is a pretty freaking big proportion. How about put this way: last year they were 23rd in stadium capacity met.

Otto Man said...

Exactly. Boston is not a football city.

Not much of a college town, either.

smurphette said...

3 tablespoons? That's quite a bit of sand down there.

@futuremrs: I hear you on the irrational inherited Red Sox fandom. I am the same way about Notre Dame.

Russell K said...

@jordan

Who's "you guys"? I'm Canadian, couldn't care less aboot the Lions. Regardless, the Lions went 2 - 14 one season, and sold out the next season. The Pats went 1 - 15 one season, and Pats fans decided that was enough of an excuse to act like a bunch of fairweather fans and ditch the team. That's why it's so hilarious to see them so full of themselves because their team is 17 - 0.

Robut M. Nixon said...

@daniel, andrew, jordan:

So...you're all basically acknowledging that Pats fans don't support their team when things are tough.

What exactly are we arguing about? I feel like we're saying the exact same thing.

Jake said...

BTW, the 12,000 figure isn't what that random Jets page claims (they claim 19000) and is made up from the lowest attendance that showed up at one game in 1992 during a snow storm in a 2-14 season against an equally pitiful Colts team.
Did the Steelers fail to sell out this year and no one told me? No? Then why is their "paid attendance" not always stadium capacity? Looks like major problems selling out later in the year...
"Attendance" figures are "paid attendance" or the number of people who actually attend the game not number of sold tickets (season tickets or otherwise).
Was attendance bad that year? Yes 15 years ago the Patriots weren't selling out every game (but they had a lot more than 19000 season ticket holders) - much like all but a handful of NFL teams have had over the same time frame. Its been 14 seasons, spanning three coaching regimes since thats been a problem. How many teams have sell out streaks that long?

Andrew said...

"The Redskins have perhaps the most unpleasant stadium in the league (even according to their own fans), a nice streak of relative ineptitude and an obnoxious owner. Yet they cram 90,000 people into FedEx every Sunday, with many thousands more on the waiting list for season tickets."

This is a laughable comparison.

I have been to 2-3 games at FedEx Field (then Jack Kent Cooke. It is a palace compared to the old Foxboro Stadium. Does it have real seats? Does it have more than two bathrooms for each sex? If the answer to either question is "yes," then it is far better than Foxboro stadium.

The Redskins have also have won 3 SB's and are one of the cornerstone franchises in the league. In 1991 the Patriots were a joke of a franchise.

Granted, the fact that FedEx field is sold out all the time is impressive, because D.C. is piss poor for every other sport. Although, I hear those Nationals games at RFK are rocking.

Christmas Ape said...

How many teams have sell out streaks that long?

A few:

Redskins and Packers go back to the '60s
Steelers, Broncos and Giants go back to the '70s

Andrew said...

@russell,

Well, let's see:

The Pats went 5-11 in 1993. They sold out every game the following year.

They went 6-10 in 1995. They sold out every game the following year.

They went 5-11 in 2000. They sold out every game the following year.

The day that Bob Kraft purchased in the team in 1994 (and therefore assured that it would not be moving), they sold 6,000 season tickets.

So... yeah. So much for fairweather fans. Want to try again?

dickey simpkins said...

Not to bring logic and whatnot here, but doesn't every successful franchise in sports history instantly attract bandwagon fans? If a team is so ineptly run(assuming that's true about the Pats), then why would fans support such a crap team? The Chicago Blackhawks had the most rabidly devoted fanbase in the 80s and 90s, but it dwindled down to shit due to the idiot that owned the team. This season, there is a new owner, the games aren't blacked out anymore, they have two new rookies, and coincidentally attendance is up. So, is it a good thing that Lions fans are so stupid they waste money on a franchise that is so horribly inept? I'm all for supporting my favorite teams, but I'm not going to waste money, especially on season tickets if the team had a prolonged history of uselessness, and there was no solution in sight.

daniel said...

dickey simpkins:

That's true.. success always brings bandwagon jumpers, no matter who you are. But Boston team bandwagon jumpers are just so annoying and obnoxious. They love to claim some sort of heritage that they were never there for...

By the way, I always remember that 1992 Pats team because the Seahawks went 2-14 that year, too. They tied for the worst record and flipped a coin for the #1 pick. Pats won and got Bledsoe; Hawks ended up with Rick fucking Mirer and years more of having Cortez Kennedy playing one-on-22 football . God.

The Kingdome was a dismal place to play... it was retarded loud throughout the 80's and 90's (because of, um, rabid fans... and a roof of course), but man it was disgusting in there. The Hawks at that time were not being "threatened" to be sold to an out of town interest. It already HAD been. Ken Behring was openly trying to move to Los Angeles, and only a long and drawn out battle kept them in Seattle. At one point there were actually moving vans at the training facility in Renton packing things up, and a judge had to stop them.

See, though, the Seattle fans thought this was a good reason to FIGHT for the team, not to give up.

Seattle isn't even Kansas City or Green Bay, obviously. Seattle fans WILL stop coming if the teams starts losing too much, eventually. In 1992-3, attendance was slipping... the Kingdome was no longer a guaranteed sell-out, except for Bronocos games and Raiders games when the hate came out. But they sold a hell of a lot more than 19,000 tickets!

Why are people defending this point? It's ridiculous. Boston bails on their teams, then uses fresh infusions of idiot out-of-state white kids to buy pink hats and call Brady "Tom Terrific" when things are going well. If you aren't one of those people, good for you... but Boston fans can't really deny what they see, can they? Pink hats?

Seems pretty obvious.

PS: Don't bring up the Supes, pelase... we ain't lost them yet!!

allie said...

the very existence of fairweather fans is basically motivation for owners and GMs to improve their teams or make sure they stay good- because if they don't, there are financial consequences.

personally, I like to think I'll still support the pats even when they go back to being mediocre/terrible. but I really don't think you can blame people for being less excited about a shitty team. turns out, inept play and embarrassing blowouts aren't all that much fun to watch.

Russell K said...

@andrew

I'm not sure how much simpler I can make this for you.

Pats go 1 - 15, sell only 12000 (or 19000 if you want go with that) the following season.

Lions go 2 - 14, sell out the following season.

Fair. Weather. Fans. It's funny to pretty much everyone how Pats fans have their head shoved up their ass about their team, because of how little they cared when the team sucked. I guess you don't get the joke because you're one of them.

Dink said...

The Jets have a waiting list of about 20,000 people for tix. The Jets charge the fans $50 per year just to be on the list! If you're in your twenties, you might get tickets around retirement. And the Jets suck, year in and year out.

To say nothing about the Jets moving to another state and the fans still show up. So STFU about some rumored move of the Pats to St. Louis. Shit, you Massholes are such pussified pigfilth.

Guiness319 said...

Fuck the Patriots.

Simple. To the point. No further explanation necessary.

/Jets Season ticket holder, at every game since 87. Yes, even when they were terrible. Real fans don't waver.

Tom Holzerman said...

Even on KSK, the Intarwebs is srs bsnss.

But fairweather or not, I think all us non-Massholes can agree Boston fans can eat my asshole.

Jim said...

I lived right next to Boston up until 2 months ago. I was born in Cleveland, so the only local team I support is the Celts. Last season I rocked my Ryan Gomes jersey and was laughed at for supporting a terrible team.

That changed instantaneously.

Fairweather!

bill said...

You guys need to push a Giants-Patriots Super Bowl. When I first moved to MA (for employment reasons - so cut me slack), half the people wore Giants jerseys, with a smattering of Jets sprinkled in. Should the Giants make the game, a sizable chunk of New England will pull out their Walker jersey while their wives dig out the buried Taylor jersey and ask "Aren't these guys playing too? Who are you going to root for"?

twoeightnine said...

personally, I like to think I'll still support the pats even when they go back to being mediocre/terrible.

That's a fucking god damn fairweather fan right there. You like to think that you would? There is no think about it.

I've sat threw 4 embarrassing Super Bowl loses in a row, 8 straight years of not making the playoffs and I was still out in some of the worst conditions I've ever seen to watch a team already eliminated from the playoff hunt because they're my team. I'll be a Bills fan until the day that I die, not until it's no longer fun to put on my Tom Brady jersey and pink Sox cap.

allie said...

by "like to think I'll support", I don't mean there's some chance I'll go root for another team, or stop being a pats fan. but would I skip something important just so I can make sure I see every second of every game, if we were terrible? would I be as upset to lose a game, or spend the entirety of a close game anxious and stressed, as I would be with with this team? maybe it's an issue of high versus low expectations, but I think I'd probably have a slightly different attitude.

but if "fucking god damn fairweather fan" is the best you can come up with, then do your worst, because that's barely even an insult. I do like the bills though, I rooted for them in all four super bowls, and whenever they're not playing us.

Jake said...

@russell K:
What you don't seem to get is that you're making numbers up. The Patriots didn't sell 19K tickets. One game in 1992 during a snow storm against an equally crappy Colts team only 19K and change showed up. Every other game had double that minimally.

As for the Lions, its BS. They've gone five seasons without a blackout, and that includes last second buyouts including the season opener. Before that almost every game was blacked out.

Russell K said...

Christ, I went back and read some of these posts again. I swear to god, the next time the KSK takes a shot at Pats fans there are going to be fucking pie charts in the comments section.

Nashville Steeler Fan said...

Hey APE, lay off the Pats, we love the Pats

Yours in Christ,
Jack Tatum and William (the Refrigerator) Perry

Jackin'4Beats said...

I hate you all

/cockgobblers