Thursday, January 24, 2008

BREAKING: Indy's New Dome Already F--ked Up

I have a friend in Indianapolis, and we were discussing the oddities of Tony Dungy's reluctant return to coach the Colts in 2008. I think "reluctant" is a fair characterization after Bob Irsay installed a slew of unique perks into Dungy's deal, in terms of time away from the team. As incentive to return, Dungy was granted permission to spend four months in Tampa during the offseason, plus Friday nights during the season to watch his son play high school ball. You know, the one that didn't kill himself.

My friend, who we'll call "Jamie," she and I agreed to as much when she brought the following to my attention (emphasis mine):

I can only imagine [Dungy] wanted to walk - quickly. But we have a new stadium to fill around these parts, and I can't imagine they were going to let him go prior to its opening season. I do expect him to be gone immediately following. Assuming the thing is completed by the time the season starts. They are WAY behind. I was talking to our former city attorney (our mayor was ousted, so he goes too) on Monday, and he said the roof [is] set wrong. Small detail of a design flaw, so the roof physically will not open or close. Along with a laundry list of other problems, I'd be willing to bet not a single preseason game is played there. Who says we don't know what we're doing around here?

To be fair, Jamie can't bet for shit, but that doesn't ncessarily discount her inside information. Besides, it's only 1986 in Indianapolis right now, so they still have 22 years to finish everything on time.

58 comments:

Moof! said...

(four months in Tampa during the offseason plus Friday nights during the season to watch his son play high school ball. You know, the one that didn't kill himself.

Pure comedic gold.

Zeitgeist Break said...

This isn't Punter's attempt at mimicing Drew's success with the fake insider is it? If so, you forgot the tag. And it would've been spicier if the mayor got ousted because they found out he was blowing Dungy.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Green Bay has a similar 'contract' with Farve, not unlike the Wicker Man.

the great bambi said...

What does Tony Dungy even really do? Peyton runs the offense, calls all his own plays, and decides if they're going to punt or not. They've got a defensive coordinator and special teams coach. Bill Polian runs the personnel department. Dungy's the Wade Phillips of the AFC (right down to losing their first playoff game at home). You know what Dungy's job is? Keep the locker room full of straight people...namely, keep Kenny Chesney far, far away from Peyton.

MMP said...

@Zeitgeist Break: No, man. This is legit.

Besides, if I was going to do a fake post on Indianapolis, couldn't I do better than an offset roof and a "laundry list?"

smurphette said...

C'mon, Punter, I was up there for my cousin's wedding in the fall, and it's totally not still 1986.

It's 1994.

quiet strength said...

Eh, it'll probably get done by preseason, but will just double the supposed budget. There's also a ton of problems with the parking. Fits right in with deals gone wrong by Peterson:
http://www.cegltd.com/story.asp?story=6546

By the way though, Bob Irsay's dead. It was his douchebag, spoiled shit, coked out son who installed the unique perks.

Otto Man said...

What were the other perks? Does he get to stone some gays or something?

naptown drew said...

Besides, it's only 1986 in Indianapolis right now, so they still have 22 years to finish everything on time.

That would explain why my closet is filled with Hypercolor shirts and biker shorts.

Zamboni said...

(four months in Tampa during the offseason plus Friday nights during the season to watch his son play high school ball. You know, the one that didn't kill himself.

I whole-heartedly agree with moof on this. HI-larious.

Is Peyton in charge of the construction? If so, they'll come really close to finishing it on time, only to fail miserably and unexplainably for several years.

Bickett said...

So what is it that we need to do to bring our city into the year 2008? I for one enjoy playing Intellivision, shopping at Merry Go Round and jerking off to Christy Canyon.

Jelly B. Good said...

Dear Kind Sirs,

Would you please turn this post into some sort of list-type post, like the top reasons why the dome won't be finished, or top things Tony Dungy would whisper into Peyton's anus, so that Bambi and Naptown can torture us with a never-ending set of comments?

I still have one good eye left and a nice sharp uni-ball ready to jam into it!

Inexplainably,

Jelly

MMP said...

Jelly, we're in talks with Billy Zane to have him officiate a comment-off.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

You, sir, are the Vincent Van Gogh of MS Paint. Simple, yet powerful, and deeply evocative.

Rally Monkey Spanker said...

They still jerk off to Christy Canyon in 2008.

Or so I've been told.

Captain Caveman said...

It's 1994.

Quick! We still have time to save Kurt Cobain!

the great bambi said...

only want to save Kurt Cobain? no warnings for tupac or biggie? you, sir, are a racist, i bet you hate shaun alexander for being black and not for being a giant pussy

Upstate Underdog said...

@RMS, first we get a Nina Hartley reference and now a Christy Canyon one. Now I feel like I'm back in 1986.

Chip Fu said...

They're going to regret selling those naming rights to Land of Shit Corp. It just sounds so generic and corporate.

I miss the days of "Mile High Stadium" and "Comiskey Park."

Where's the character and the personality these days? You wouldn't know if you were at a ball game in Cleveland or Baltimore if all you knew was the stadium name.

naptown drew said...

So what is it that we need to do to bring our city into the year 2008? I for one enjoy playing Intellivision, shopping at Merry Go Round and jerking off to Christy Canyon.

Former Colts linebacker Duane Bickett? Surely you jest.

Rally Monkey Spanker said...

@ Upstate

We'll know the older crowd if they start mentioning Vanessa Del Rio, Marilyn Chambers and Seka.

Oops!

MMP said...

I got this new thing called a CD player. It cost 700 dollars but the sound quality is excellent.

Upstate Underdog said...

@RMS, or Hyapatia Lee, Cassie Nova, and Amber Lynn. The 80's were the golden age of porn.

Christmas Ape said...

1986? The Colts have done well in their first two years in Indianapolis.

Aaron said...

Is that the cover of Crying Your Knife Away?

Byron said...

John Cougar's still big around here. I fear the backlash may rip this state apart. I'm hoping to get out before the shit hits the fan in 88.

Rally Monkey Spanker said...

@ Upstate

It was only the golden age because the Colonel was a visionary and got Jack Horner to switch from VHS to DVD.

Pemulis said...

if its 1994 they can stop the star wars prequels AND special edition movies from being made. huzzah!

/angry nerd

quiet strength said...

Uhh...this is a story about our fair city fucking up our $300 million stadium just after we fucked up our $150 million library. I'm not sure you can count on us to repair any of history's mistakes. It'd end up kind of like in the Butterfly Effect...if that had come out here yet...

Otto Man said...

I think Pemulis is the nom-de-blogue of Patton Oswalt.

Pemulis said...

you callin' me fat?

Mike said...

Irsay also agreed that "Tony Dungy" can fly back to Afghanistan on Tuesdays-Wednesdays to resume plans for his next terror attack on America as his alter ego, Osama bin Laden.

Manas said...

@the great bambi: Seriously. Even Herm Edwards could coach this team and be as successful as Dungy. Right?


Hello?

Chip Fu said...

Indianapolis has a $150 million library?

That reminds me of this MTV Cribs episode, where a twelve yr old Lil' Bow Wow or someone was showing off all his expensive cars, even though he was four years away from having a license to drive them.

naptown drew said...

@chip fu

Don't worry, we only build expensive libraries so we have really really cool places to play video games.

the great bambi said...

@manas

of course herm edwards would be successful, he plays to win the game dammit! here's how the colts miss the playoffs anytime in the next 3-5 years: their stadium's roof collapses on them and kills them

seriously, peyton could get his hand ripped off while handing off right before giving a priceless pep talk and he'd still have a throwing hand and just do the backhand hand off kurt warner was specializing in this season

Otto Man said...

you callin' me fat?

Since I don't know you, I will say ... yes.

But the reference was to his time-traveling bit, "At Midnight I Will Kill George Lucas With a Shovel."

Otto Man said...

Indianapolis has a $150 million library?

According to Carl Monday, it has a giant IMAX screen for porn surfing..

smurphette said...

@bickett/naptown drew: Holy balls, I haven't heard that name in forever. I remember my dad talking about him when I was little. This post just made my day.

naptown drew said...

@smurphette

That can't really be him. An actual (ex) NFL player posting on KSK? What's next, my front door flies open and in comes Marmalard screaming catchphrases?

Otto Man said...

That can't really be him. An actual (ex) NFL player posting on KSK?

In the interests of full disclosure, I should admit now that despite my image and name, I am not in fact the cartoon bus driver from The Simpsons.

I apologize if my ruse has fooled anyone, or made anyone feel that I am a big phony.

But with this ugliness behind us, I think we can now safely assume that everyone else here is the real deal.

smurphette said...

Whoa, boys, give me a little credit. I didn't think it was actually him, I just got a kick out of remembering when I first started watching football with my dad.

And for the record, I'm a brunette, despite what my profile picture might lead you to believe.

Otto Man said...

And for the record, I'm a brunette

What? Now I don't believe in nothin' no more. I'm going to law school!

naptown drew said...

@smurphette

It's not your hair which intrigues me. It's your fine blue skin. It complements mine quite nicely.

smurphette said...

@naptown drew: That it does. The unibrow? Not so much.

Bickett said...

Sorry to disappoint but I am not THE Duane Bickett. I have a friend that used to hang with him quite a bit back in his playing days here. Said friend spins a doozy of a tale about Bickett hooking up one night at Jackson Street, going back to the broad's place and peeing inside her mid-coital. You can't make that shit up. Never.

roy said...

"In the interests of full disclosure, I should admit now that despite my image and name, I am not in fact the cartoon bus driver from The Simpsons."

Yeah, we know--he has a job.

fallex said...

Can't the idiots that fucked up the roof say it was an homage to the D-Rays stadium (which I heard was tilted so they could save on materials - i.e, they could build a shorter wall on one side)?

Otto Man said...

Yeah, we know--he has a job.

I, too, have a job. But my chosen profession of plasma donation leaves me with plenty of free time.

xtrarant said...

Maybe before anyone who reads this actually believes it you should realize a few things:

* MMP has an unnatural hate for indianapolis. Especially for someone from the shithole that is Cincinnati.

* An article only a week old says they are only slightly behind schedule due to the weather and they haven't even tried to move the roof yet because it's not even ready to try it. that doesn't come until march.

* The last mayor and his staff went out of office at the new year. At the end of December, the roof was even FURTHER away from knowing a damn thing about it, let alone being able to move it at all. So anyone "on the staff" would really not know anything about the current state of construction since December 31st at the latest.

* Way to make fun of suicide, jackass. Real fucking funny.

I find it hilarious people will believe anything this assclown from the shittiest city in the midwest outside of Oblong, Illinois posts on here.

xtrarant said...

In case anyone is curious about the REAL status of construction,t he article I mentioned in my last comment is here:


http://www.indystar.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080116/LOCAL/801160504/1195/LOCAL18

Comicbook Guy said...

ummm when did all the comedy die here?

quiet strength said...

Uhh...yeah...if a guy's son kills himself, then that guy returns to work two days after the funeral, then proceeds to write a book about what a kick-ass dad he is, then proceeds to make himself the face of All-Pro Dads...yeah that guy deserves any shit he gets thrown his way. It's not making fun of suicide, it's making fun of a douchebag father.

dickey simpkins said...

Nice to know there are fucking idiots that come out to defend their precious city/team outside of New England with such awesome logic. I find it hilarious that anyone from Indianapolis would call another city shitty, unless of course they were talking about Gary.

ChadsMyGuy said...

@xtra: I'm sure the “columnists” at that rag of a publication you probably receive every bit of your close-minded news from, appreciate the fact that someone still believes anything they “write”. Especially enough to regurgitate it, and supply a link. Bravo, sir.

smurphette said...

@xtrarant: Dude, Punter being from Cinci should make his comments that much easier to brush off. Maybe you would feel more comfortable with the commenters over at Yahoo, if MJD's debut is any indication.

Alex said...

Yeah, Cincy did real well with their ballparks. Nice joke of a baseball stadium. The fake water wheel is so retro. I'm sure the hundreds of people still living in the city limits love it.

Have they started to let black people outside of Over-the-Rhine yet? Or is it still barricaded off by the great police of the the Queen city?

Otto Man said...

Watching people get defensive about Indianapolis may well be the saddest fucking thing I've ever seen.

If that place were any whiter, it would be translucent. It has all the excitement of an Amway convention and all the charm of a Methodist bake sale.

Sweet Jesus, it actually has an international sporting event that takes place there, and the celebratory drink is milk. Milk?!

Seriously, we're glad you like Flandersville. Largely because it means the rest of us don't have to live there.