Thursday, January 17, 2008

It’s Real F—king Nice To Come To F—king Miami To Coach Your F—king Football Team


Hey ey ey, how YOU doin’? Let me start off by sayin’ what a fucking honor it is to come here to fucking Miami and work for a fucking guy like Bill Parcells. I mean, look at that cocksucker sitting over there. Is he not just the fucking best?

(raises glass of Chianti)

Cheers to you, Billo. You big fat cumguzzler you. No, I fucked YOUR mother! How you like that shit? Real fucking comedian here! You believe the balls on this prick?

Anyway, like I said, being here in fucking Miami is fucking fantastic for me, and for my lovely wife Donna, and for my lovely children, ALL of whom are honor students. None of that cystic fibrosis retard shit.

You people have a really nice town. With some really fucking hot broads. I swear I was walking down the street the other day and I saw one broad with half her tits sticking right out of her shirt. That’s real fucking nice. Tony like. I could do without some of the fucking assticklers parading around on roller skates here, but that’s just me. I didn’t grow up in a faggot culture. It’s not part of my heritage. Personally, I think it’s all a little fucked, but you take the good with the bad.

Now, I know you’re wondering just what kind of fucking cocksucker you got runnin’ your team. Well, let me tell you somethin’. You ain’t gotta worry about nuthin’ no more. Mr. Huizenga here is the fucking best. You bald old fuck, you. Hope you don’t mind if I never paid my late fees at Blockbuster, you fucking corpse, you. Fucking late fees. I’ll return a movie when I fucking want to, you liver-spotted cock.

You also got Mr. Parcells here, who, again, is the fucking best. And I don’t wanna hear anyone here speak ill of Mr. Parcells. Okay? You speak ill of Mr. Parcells, you gonna have to answer to me. And so help me God, I will fucking bash your goddamn head in with a fucking coffee mug if I hear that shit. You got me, fuckos?

Oh, you wanna know about the offense? You ain’t gotta worry about that, okay? It’s taken care of. How? Eh, you don’t need to know that right now. Come on. Show a little fucking faith, will ya? Jesus. Just know that I’ve got that shit all fucking wrapped up. You and me, Dolphin fans. We’re gonna have EVERYTHING. You watch.

It’ll be way better than that last limpdick who was here. What was that stupid fuck’s name? Cameron? Cam Cameron? C’mon! How can you coach a fucking team with a fucking name like that? That guy probably only studied tape of cocks being sucked, am I right? Huh? Huh? The fuck.

So, long story short, nice to fucking be here. Got some real fucking great shit happening in the pipeline. And I’m ready to fucking go. We’re gonna have it real fucking good. I’m hungry. Let’s go get a fucking sub.

40 comments:

Upstate Underdog said...

he has his mothers moustache.

/adding to the fun stereotypes

Aaron said...

ROFL i pissed myself.... I need Osi!

devang said...

Oh I can just imagine the conversations between Sparano and Sal Paolantonio.

New feature?

throwbot said...

Let’s go get a fucking sub.

I would have also accepted hoagie or wedge.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

You know, it's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen food section.

Why is that?

Because you could melt all this stuff.

Doc Holliday said...

That guy probably only studied tape of cocks being sucked, am I right?

Amazing...And true.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

OH MY GOD

MY BLUE HEAVEN

true story: I named my fantasy baseball team this year "The Turtles" after the Little League team in that very movie.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

She likes My Blue Heaven - Check

Is a Cardinals fan - Check

Marry me now. We will get Drew to write our vows.

The Pirate Sloth said...

I bet he moves his mother down to Miami too. You know, for her health.

fallex said...

If he doesn't alert Ray Bones that he's moving into town, there's gonna be some trouble.

naptown drew said...

Little Boy Blue, he needed the money...

Ohhhhhhhhhh!

Wormfather said...

That shit was racis....

let me try that again

That shit was racilicious.

clueheywood said...

He's a funny guy.

MicroscopicElvis said...

OOOHHH!!!! I can't believe my fuckin' ears! Kid's got a lot of fuckin' balls!! Ey, Spider, this is for you! Don't take no shit from nobody!

MDT said...

1 point for more Italians on KSK, 1 point for more Dolphins on KSK, 2 points for more BDD on KSK... but mandatory deduction for the late jump on the Sparano/Soprano/Uma/Oprah joke.

JohnDewar said...

No gabagool? The fuckin' cuban sandwiches down here gives me fuckin' agita.

@throwbot:

Hoagies are a philly thing. North Jersey would be sub or hero.

Rally Monkey Spanker said...

Don't forget what happened to Sonny Black when he tried to move down to Florida. Make sure you pay off the cops.

Upstate Underdog said...

agita ? nothing a little brioschi won't cure.

Captain Caveman said...

They say the fucking smog is the fucking reason you have such beautiful fucking sunsets.

miamidiesel said...

Let’s go get a fucking sub.

Can I get that on a t-shirt?

Leaking Geek said...

Reader: [laughing] BDD, you're funny.

BDD: [serious, indignant] Funny? Funny how? What am I a fuckin clown? I'm here to fuckin amuse you?

Reader: [stuttering] You...You know...the way you tell a story...


Pure Gold once again, BDD

devang said...

Richie loved to use 22s because the bullets are small and they don't come out the other end like a 45, see, a 45 will blow a barn door out the back of your head and there's a lot of dry cleaning involved, but a 22 will just rattle around like Pac-Man until you're dead.

Zac said...

Seriously, how meatdick is that coaching staff going to be by the time Parcells is done with it?

Gern said...

Jill came down with two-fifty. That fuckin' whore!

MicroscopicElvis said...

@caveman: Fuck you, fuckball

naptown drew said...

Jerry Jones just made Jason Garrett an "Assistant Head Coach"

K-Rock said...

Tony Sparano: Take the gun. Leave the cannoli

Wade Phillips: But I really like cannolis.

Guiness319 said...

Paulie: Hey Sil, you remember your first blowjob?
Silvio: Oh yeah.
Paulie: How long did it take for the guy to come?

Ohhhhhhhh!

fallex said...

Bones: You must be one of those quick-draw artists, the way you've got your gun down on your belt like that.

Uncle Rico: Whatta ya got there, a Wop-9? Fuckin' Fiat of guns, always jammin up on you at the wrong time. [/gets shot 4 times]

JAMMQ said...

The Man-Boob Mafia Meets Miami.

Seamus Furr said...

The funny part is that I just watched a clip of his press conference, and my first thought was "What a fucking goombah my favorite team just hired." This was the best possible chaser.

Let’s go get a fucking sub.

I would have accepted grinder.

Jay said...

This guy was O-coordinator at Boston U in the early '90s. BU's football team folded after he left.

Sorry Cowboys fans.

The Pirate Sloth said...

No meat-a-balls? Wrapped in proshoot?

J.L. White said...

If the reporters down in Miami ever want to interview Coach Sparano, they better grow a mustache, so that he'll understand them.

Bippity Boppity Boo!

My Insignificant Life said...

After the last 24 hours of being on the ledge looking to jump, and talking to others getting me down, this truly has lifted my spirits.

I can't wait to see how long it takes for a horse's head to be in his bed.

/trying to regain sense of humor.

mezzrow said...

Over/under on Dolphin players looking up the meaning of "stugots" in Urban Dictionary over the next week. 20.

Chip Fu said...

What?!? I don't got enough to worry about, now I got this fucking Goodell prick looking over my shoulder???

Clutch Is Everything said...

this blog keeps getting better and better

Mr. IMHO said...

Ey, get tha' fuck outta here! No You! Get tha', shut tha' what tha' fuck! Ey, YOOOO!

CW aka Chad Sexington® said...

You heard my Ricky Williams, pay for my fuckin' candy...