Wednesday, January 23, 2008

YYYYAAAHHH!!! Welkaaah's Gettin' Whiteaaahh!


While Tommy Brady's droppin tha Hulk Hogan big boot on them daaahkies in the Big Apple, auld numbah one receivah Wes Welkaaah is fillin' up on the fortahfying seed a' the great Mistah Chaaahlie. He's that much maah unstappable now! Stepping up his game in time fah tha big show!

Just whaaat he needs to cahve up them big dumb stumblebum daahkies like Aahsi Uoumenyeraah. Quit hoggin all tha vowels, ya greedy scaaatalagical taaaah baby!

Just ya wait, New Yaahk daaahkies. We gonna let ya heeah abaat this all yeaah long! Go Paytreeuts!

45 comments:

SlideShow Bob said...

i wish we would only hear about it this year, try for the next 40 years.

Grant said...

I don't think any Boston scumbag would know the word "scatological." Just saying.

NHZ said...

I didn't think it was possible to run this theme into the ground, and yet...

Francois Leroux Speedskater said...

Kinda looks like Chris O'Donnell...if Chris O'Donnell was a creepy pedophile.

Christmas Ape said...

Always aiming to prove you wrong, nhz

smurphette said...

Yeah, he is definitely rocking the creepy rapist eyes, but from the mustache, I don't think us ladies have anything to worry about . . .

NHZ said...

Heh, well it's not like I don't find some of the jabs at Pats fans on target. I live with one person who pretty much epitomizes the stereotype that you're bashing. Of course, that type'd be too dumb to get the critique anyway.

I had about a ten minute argument with this person when I made the fatal mistake of saying that Wes Welker's catches had a very low degree of difficulty in general, and that Randy Moss is a much better player.

I'm just sayin' that sometimes maybe it gets lost that racism is a shitty problem everywhere, not just in New England.

Bah, and now I'm probably taking this all too seriously.

And FWIW, I think more of the racism around where I live goes against latinos, so you might want to do a post about how much massholes hate "spics" or something if you want to cover all teh bases.

Christmas Ape said...

For the sake of heading off a second RaFlaWa of the day: Yes I realize racial animosity is ubiquitous and by no means exclusive to Massholes. They're just really good at it.

In regards to your last point, maybe they secretly hate Matt Gutierrez.

twoeightnine said...

How dare a darkie rub his fingers under the eyes of our lord and savior St. Wesley of Welker.

NHZ said...

I was actually trying to think who on the Pats roster would qualify as "latino." Gutierrez is the only one I can think of off the top of my head.

But it's so much fun, you know, living anywhere where you get to see blatant racism at it's best. There's the local Kwik-E-Mart in my town, which, being in MA, is primarily white. However, it's about evenly split in terms of social classes between those of us who don't have our own fucking helicopter pads, and those of us who are filthy rich enough to have fucking helicopter pads in their yard.

Most of the people that come into the Kwik-E-Mart...there's no problem between them and the latino staff. Then every-so-often when I'm in there, one of the helicopter pad types comes in and makes a total ass of himself/herself by treating the staff as if they're stupid/can't speak english/can't understand english/can't add up prices, and it's so damn easily to read between the lines and see what idiots these people are that it's hard not to laugh at them. And most of the time, the staff shrugs them off for the idiots they are.

And yeah, Welkah wasn't really a Pro Bowler. Brady and the O-Line deserve more than half credit for turning Welker into anything.

I'm sorry, this must be "NHZ really long post day" or something.

Rant_Casey said...

@NHZ

Those Spics at the store24 will rob you blind if you don't keep a close eye on 'em.
I caught one eyeballing my helicopter while he was trimming my hedges. I just don't trust spics as far as I can throw them... which is right out of this country if they don't produce some papers.

Captain Caveman said...

Wow, I'd rather read As I Lay Dying than this this thread again. NHZ, you owe me three minutes of my life.

And before anyone else says it: I'll get it back from you with my next post.

SlideShow Bob said...

wow thats a hell of a refrence CC, and i actually like Faulkner.

NHZ said...

As I Lay Dying is my favorite book/movie/book on CD, actually.

(I have no idea what the fuck it is)

Well anyhow, sorry about that. I thought I redeemed myself somewhat by reminding y'all that masshole racists hate "spics" too. I'm sorry if I can't be as entertaining as you, I'm sure you get that a lot.

Scott said...

i don't think that MA in general is any worse for racial tension than anywhere else. it's just that the city of Boston has significant past issues that seem odd given the generally progressive history of the state.

people are dicks everywhere.

Billy Bob said...

Nobody hates the Dahhhkies quite like Boston. Sure the south will burn crosses and lynch... Boston still finds a way to legally maintain segregation.

Scott said...

billy bob has never lived in New York. or Chicago. or LA. or any metropolitan area in the US.

nice job, genius!

Peter said...

doesn't MA have the country's only current african american governor?

Ben said...

Okay, full disclosure, I am a Boston sports fan. But like..it's the same two jokes over and over again. Boston accent + racism. I don't mind getting made fun of, but the Boston posts are way below KSK's usually standards for comedy.

SlideShow Bob said...

i guess its just a matter of perspective Ben, im from New York and i find these posts to be great.

J.L. White said...

@NHZ:

Don't apologize, just make a concise joke that's only one sentence long, like....

If only Bostons fans knew that the seed on Welker's upper lip was actually from Jorge Posada.

larry b said...

Ben- It's not our fault you don't like things that are funny. I'm from Colorado, and is bit is still hilarious each and every time. Get real sense ahh humahh, yah bonah holstah.

larry b said...

Also, I like how your main complaint is that the bit is "the same two jokes over and over again." Yeah, that's totally different than any of the other popular bits KSK does.

-Philip Rivers is mean to everyone, even strangers
-His teammates avoid hanging out with him because of this

-Wade Phillips is a practical, calm, relatively normal coach
-YEE-HAW, JERRY JONES IS FUCKIN' CRAZY and likes to point out that Wade is fat

Christmas Ape said...

Hey, hey! I resent that.

Rivers also has a weak arm and he's celibate. That bit's got layers 'n' shit.

Otto Man said...

doesn't MA have the country's only current african american governor?

I heard they put him in the governor's mansion simply because they didn't want him moving in next door.

Rally Monkey Spanker said...

Rivers ain't celibate no more. Not after that last flight.

Comicbook Guy said...

@grant

Plenty of us Boston scumbags know the meaning of the word scatological. We also know Blow Me, Fucktard and many other epithets to scream at you. Feel free to as any of us.

By the way, enjoy the loss.

Otto Man said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Brady's a douchebag said...

I don't believe that's Posada's seed on his lips. I'll beg to diffah on that. Methinks he was lapping Brady's cum when Giselle was unavailable for the Masshole in Chief. Or did Billy Boy leave his manliness on Welkah to break him down before the big game. He is the master whacktician ya know.

The Last Unitard said...

Jesus Assfisting Christ! Maybe we'd be better off without hilarious spot-on characterizations of Boston sports fans, if only to keep the whining fucks from trying to promote some kind of rational discourse.

I spit on your discourse, jerks.

Mongo said...

Well Ape

If it's any consolation, at one point during the game (it might have been one of his INT's) the announcer said the ball just floated out there.

I immediately thought of your fine work and wondered if the ball fell to the ground 10 feet away.

Which is still probably 9 feet farther than I could throw it. Especially with all those dahkies comin afta me.

Trapper John said...

Anyone know the origin of the excellent drawing of the Sawx fans berating the doubly-cursed Yank-fan/daaaahkie?

Otto Man said...

Jesus Assfisting Christ!

Ah, so that's what Stephen Smith's middle initial stands for.

Christmas Ape said...

trapper john:

It's from the NY Times

Trapper John said...

Thanks, Ape. It made my day.

Andrew said...

Other than having the nation's only black governor, being the first state to allow gay people to marry and having its 4th or 5th largest city just elect the country's first black lesbian mayor, Massachusetts is an incredibly intolerable place. Everyone's exactly like Ben Affleck from Good Will Hunting.

Chip Fu said...

@ andrew: that was a very thoughtful, coherent, convincing argument that you posted.

Thank you.

BaCsonkaDonk said...

Let's not forget everyone's favorite running joke: the alacrity with which Peter King performs sex acts on (or has sex acts performed on him by) certain NFL QBs.

Also note that Rivers has a wife and kids. So it's celibacy for thee, but not for me.

John said...

The greatest thing about all of these jokes about Boston fans being racist (which they are) is reading the responses by Boston fans. Boston fans make it almost too easy for everyone else to taunt them. You just know they're going to overreact to whatever you say.

Ben-T said...

"Also, I like how your main complaint is that the bit is "the same two jokes over and over again." Yeah, that's totally different than any of the other popular bits KSK does." - larry b

Fair enough. Though I'm not sure that arguing that nothing KSK does is funny is the point you were trying to make.

larry b said...

The point isn't that they're not funny, dumbass. The point is that they're all relatively simple. It's the writing and creativity that makes them great, not their complexity.

stankbox said...

People from Boston are out of their minds. FYI, looking like you are living the blue collar life isn't impressive. Not shaving for two weeks means you have another 2 months off before you have to catch another ship, you Mass Maritime degenerate.

Peter King's breath smells like Brady's dick, I bet. Ask Welkah.

Ben-T said...

"The point isn't that they're not funny, dumbass. The point is that they're all relatively simple. It's the writing and creativity that makes them great, not their complexity." - larry B

Haha for somebody that delights in making fun of Bostonians for being crass, it's comical that you are unable to engage in a civil conversation for more than two posts, you fucking savage.

I'm not the one that asserted that KSK's bits are the same time and time again, you were. You pointed out that their other bits have many recurring themes, but are still funny. I agree. And I agree that the reason is that even though they do revisit those same themes time and again, they remain creative for other reasons.

That isn't the case with the Boston posts. They don't stay fresh. It isn't revisiting recurring themes in creative & funny ways, its just the same joke over and over. A Boston sports fan says he loves "Welkah" because hes not a "Dahkie". Okay, I get it. I don't at all mind KSK making fun of Boston sports or it's fans, that is besides the point. In fact Peyton's Fuck You To Massachusetts after last year's AFC title game was hilarious.

This is not.

John said...

Actually, I disagree. I find the Boston racist posts pretty darn hilarious. I find the angry/defensive/profane Bostonian fan responses to the posts even more hilarious.

(Angry Boston fan response in 3...2...)

Jeff Hawkins said...

I have to ask where you got the pic from, since I have a similar idea for an ad campaign :)