Monday, January 7, 2008

It’s-A Me, Salvatore!


Ay, it’s-a you! Look-a at you, with-a the funny face!

(pinches your cheek)

You look-a so good! And your wife! She is a-ravishing! I put-a my Genoa salami in her cioppino, yes? Bellisima!

(licks your wife’s face)

What is this-a you bring me? A Yellow Tail a-wine? Oh, this-a no good. This shit. I pour it down the sink or use it as a-rat poison. I’mma break out a special Chianti just-a for you. Geppetto!


Go-a get a-my friends the-a Ruffino!

(slaps monkey)

No, no, no! The Riserva, you-a stupid monkey!

I’mma glad you could-a come-a to my house and watch-a the playoffs with-a me, Salvatore! My-a grandma, she come-a straight from-a Sicily to meet you. She-a make you a special meatball! MAMA!


That’s-a spicy meat-a-ball!

Who your favorite team? The Chargers? No, no, no. The Chargers, they are a raw sewage. Listen to your friend, Salvatore: they are-a overrated. You must-a like the Giants. They are-a underrated. They will beat the Cowboys like I-a beat my wife. Because she-s no listen. Some-a-times, I just have to…

(makes dramatic hand gestures)

This why I live-a with my mother for forty years, yeah? We make-a bet, eh? You-a take the Cowboys, and I-a take the Giants. I call a one of my 500 cousins, all of whom are-a bookies. Yes?

(You decline.)

I think-a you no understand me. You TAKE bet, yes?

(You nod.)

Very good! Did-a you meet-a my sons?


They are strong, masculine-a children. One day they learn to make-a leather shoes, like-a me! Now, come and eat! We have a little proshoot. A little gabbagool. A little mootzarell. You-a never taste anything like-a it in your life! ANTONIA! MAKE-A WITH-A THE FOOD, OR I-A PUNCH-A YOU IN THE FACE!

This-a good time for us to talk business. I have 300 brand new Armani suits in my garage right now. I give-a you 4% off-a retail price.

What-a you mean, no thanks? I-a make you a nice offer! Maybe you-a no appreciate your friend, Salvatore! Maybe you-a think we Italians are criminals. Oooooh, I hate-a those cheap stereotypes! Vito! Mossimo!

TAKE-A HIM IN THE BACK AND BEAT HIM WITH-A MY SUSPENDERS.

When we through beating you, we watch-a Goodfellas and read Machivelli a-together, yes? Maybe share-a some scungilli?

MOLTO BELLO!!!!

24 comments:

Phony Gwynn said...

I think there should be two of them. Every time he says his name, I imagine it like, "I'm-a Sal, and this my pal, Antonio. Bella!"

Jeffrey said...

I don't remember reading that article when it first appeared on ESPN.com but I find it curious that the only recourse he chooses to challenege the stereotypes portrayed in the show was to use a "positive" stereotype: Italians never disrespect their mothers, which in itself is an indictment of other nationalities because it implies that is is a known truth that Italian men love and respect their mothers more than anyone else...riiight.

We're all very well aware of the longstanding tradition of respect for women personified in the Italian community...because sleeveless undershirts became known as "wife-beaters" because of their popularity among we ruthlessly abusive Pollacks

Ken Dynamo said...

hey, you shut up-a with-a the shut up-a!

SlideShow Bob said...

Even Hines Ward thinks thats a little racist (or would it be rittre racist?)

Gourmet Spud said...

You should see Mossimo's girlfriend, Vuarnet. Hot French chick. Very liberal.

Camp Tiger Claw said...

Way da go, BDD.

Matt said...

+1

(Cracks a smirre)

JC said...

Dan LeBatard is feeling this.

Rob I said...

We Italians are not like this at all. I don't know wop you're talking about.

Upstate Underdog said...

black eye = Italian wedding ring ( or Irish wedding ring, take your pick)

The Pirate Sloth said...

I feel like I was at home! I'm gonna go eat some proshoot wrapped meatballs.

Pemulis said...

Here comes the greaseball!

Hey! Luigi bring-a you da free-a pizza! Why you gotta make-a da fun?

Otto Man said...

"I only consider you scum next to Krusty. ... Yeah. You see how you scum."

R.J. said...

Kudos, BDD. I'm enjoying the fun stereotype portion of KSK.

fallex said...

Hey Sal, wassamatta? You no like-a the tripe?

Slash said...

In general, I agree that stereotypes are harmful. Unless they're funny. Then they're AWESOME.

fallex said...

I agree stereotypes suck. Unless you're rocking an Alpine pullout. Them's the shit!!

Undead Zombie Horde said...

That post finally reminded me to look up whatever the fuck "gabbagool" means. My dip-shit guinea sister-in-law says it all the time.

Christ my brother is moron.

love the "italians are dumb steakheads" tag. Although I think meatball is more appropriate the lower-case "i" is great.

J.L. White said...

See, this is why I'm dumb. I always thought Italians (or better yet, Eye-talians) were famous for eating mushrooms that fly out of floating boxes, or jumping over barrels while trying to fight a giant ape.

Man, those Japanese sure know how to make good stereotypes, huh?

Leaking Geek said...

This goomba is gonna throw on a wife beater, slick back his hair, jump in his IROC (Italian Retard Out Cruising), pump up the Quiet Riot from his 400W Blaupunkt stereo setup that cost 1000US (total worth of car 1100US) and pray to his Tony Manero picture stuck on the visor for life guidance sos I can come over dair n knock ya friggin hed in.

Cause stereotypes is fa pinheads...

Russell K said...

"Just imagine this for a moment: HBO, or any other television network, decides to put a series on the air that depicts Latino-Americans -- the nation's fastest-growing minority group -- as uneducated drug dealers whose lives revolve around gang warfare, a seven-year run of bad behavior that reinforces America's fears about the influx of illegal immigrants into the country.


A show like that would be, and should be, excoriated. And it probably would never make it out of the pilot stage, no less have a run of seven years of great reviews."

...Cane.

IT'S JUST TV, YOU MOTHERLESS FUCK.

Chamomiles Davis said...

slideshow bob: Evlyone's a ritter bit lacist.


Oh! Ma-Ma!
Oh, get that man for me!
Oh! Ma-Ma!
How happy I will be!
Tra-la-la
And cheery-beery be!
Oh, if I’m gonna marry,
It’s the butcher boy for me!

dickey simpkins said...

russell k:

It's not a TV show, but Scarface is arguably one of the most popular cult hits, and is a favorite film of many. I don't see too many people associating Tony Montana with every Latino person.

tHeCoNmAn said...

"Playmakers" was loved by critics? Really? I know people watched it, myself included a few times, but I don't know anyone who actually thought it was "good" in anything other than a make fun of it while drinking kind of way.