Tuesday, January 8, 2008

YOU GET YOUR ASS TO MEXICO SO I CAN FINISH MY BRISKET!!!!!


(door flies open)

Jerry: NYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAWWWWWWWW!!!! FINALLY! A day for the ol’ Double-J to have to himself! And I know exactly what I’m gonna do. I’mma sit at my extremely long desk, a desk that needed to be hoisted right into this here office before the ceiling was put in, and enjoy this delicious brisket sandwich from Black’s.

My goodness, do you ever look delicious, my darlin’. I’m gonna chow down on you like you’re a Brazilian asshole! Let me just tuck my napkin into my shirt, tip my hat slightly backwards, and lay into you...

Say, what’s that rumblin’ sound? Christ, that’s loud. I better go stand in a doorway.

(door flies open)


Wade: (sweaty) SIR! SIR! WE HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM!

Jerry: Oh, god dammit, you fucking fatass! Can’t you see I’m tryin’ to enjoy my lunch here? I shoulda known, the second I sat down with a nice piece of hot meat in my hands, that you would stop mainlining scrapple butter and head straight for my door!

Wade: Sir, we have a real problem on our hands. WE GOTTA DO SOMETHING.

Jerry: Just slow down there, Burly Sue. You can stare at my brisket and take in oxygen at the same time. Now, what in the cotton-pickin’ world could have possessed you to come marchin’ through my FUCKING door?! ONLY I GET TO DO THAT!

Wade: It’s Romo, sir. He’s in Mexico, and I can’t get him out! He won’t come back!

Jerry: Oh, Jesus fucking Christ, Ugly Sweaty! You cut into the Double J’s lunchtime because of that shit? Good fucking Lord, son. Didn’t I tell you my boy ROMO was goddamn STAR? Didn’t I?

Wade: You may have mentioned it in passing.

Jerry: HE’S A GODDAMNED STAR, YOU FAT FUCKING PONTOON BOAT! And if that worthless 400 lb. sack of veal reduction Parcells taught me anything, it’s that STARS HAVE THEIR OWN GODDAMN RULES!

Wade: But, Sir. We need Romo here! We have game plans for the Giants we have to implement.

Jerry: You fucking fat sack of fuck. Do I look worried about the Giants to you? Is there anything in these Texas sky blue eyes that connotes even the slightest HINT of worry that we won’t run over those Jersey faggots like an Iroquois schoolhouse? I’ve seen more intimidating QB’s working the fry-a-lator at Arby’s. Trust me. We ain’t got nothin’ to fear from little Eli “Happy Accident” Manning.

Wade: I just think it would be in the best interests of us all if we got Tony back here on US soil. We’ve been very flat the past month, sir. We need his leadership.

Jerry: (thinks) You know, it’s hard to underestimate a man who occupies an entire hemisphere, but perhaps I’ve misjudged you and your sweaty skin creases. All right! You swayed me! You can go to Mexico and get my boy for me.

Wade: Me? I can’t go. I have to put the game plan together.

Jerry: Oh, so you came all this way to ask me to do something you can’t do? HOW FUCKING PROINACTIVE OF YOU. Just because you need a gallon of sesame oil to fit through the jetway don’t mean you ain’t goin’! In fact, I got just the man to go with you.

(door opens)


Jack Twist: Someone need me to go to Mexico?

Jerry: You know I do, Cowgirl. And I want you to take the Earl of Sandwich here with you.

Wade: Sir, I don’t understand how Mr. Twist can help us.

Jerry: Are you fucking shitting me, Tubby? Listen, there isn’t a clandestine nook for hot fucking in Mexico that this little Cinderella hasn’t seen! He can smell a man’s ballsweat from twenty miles away.

Jack Twist: Thirty if there ain’t no smog.

Jerry: He’ll find Romo. And that Princess Hextits too. Guaranteed. Now get your ass to Mexico so I can finish my brisket!

Wade: But who will coach the team?

(door flies open)


Garrett: Hmm. Oh, dear. Are you being foodjacked, Mr. Jones? I can certainly distract this corpulent fellow with an empty Sara Lee box.

Jerry: No need, Princeton Boy! I’m sending El Gordo here down Mexico way to get our QB.

Garrett: Mexico? Will he be bringing his own weather system with him?

Wade: Sir, you can’t leave the team to him. He’s already negotiated separate deals with the Ravens, Falcons, Dolphins, AND Redskins. I heard him on the phone with Snyder yesterday! They were cackling!

Jerry: Calm down, Commandant Lard. I’ve put a deal in place that will keep my boy GARRETT here for quite a long time. Ain’t that right, Jason? Ha ha ha.

Garrett: Ha ha ha.

Jerry: Ha ha ha.

Garrett: Ha ha ha.

Jerry: Ha ha ha.

Garrett: Ha ha ha.

Jerry: Ha ha ha.

Garrett: Ha ha ha.

Jerry: Ha ha ha.

Garrett: Ha ha ha.

Jerry: Ha ha ha.

Garrett: Ha ha ha.

Wade: What kind of deal? What’s so funny?

Garrett: Nothing.

Jerry: NOW TAKE THAT KANSAS CITY FAGGOT AND GET YOUR ASS TO MEXICO TO GET MY BOY ROMO! AND DON’T STOP FOR TOSTADAS! I’LL SEE THEM ON YOUR SHIRT, EATIE GONZALEZ!

Wade: Dammit.

Jerry: YEEHAW!!! WHOOPADEEDOO!!!!!! BRISKET TIME!!!! I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!

34 comments:

chuggernaut said...

Congratulations. First another great Double J post, and second you managed to find a phrase that when googled gave me no suggestions, Hextits. Who knew that was even possible?

Skye said...

Nice Blazing Saddles reference there at the end. Awesome.

Suss said...

Wade = Jeff Green
Jerry = Susie

Pepster said...

Eatie Gonzalez - phenomenal.

You fucking fat sack of fuck! 100% chance I use that at some point this week.

denvergodfather said...

"is he bringing his own weather system" pure gold man.

devang said...

Ugly Sweaty

Just when I think it can't get any better.

If Uff's was better, I shudder (nay look forward to) a combined BDD/Uff Wade and Jerry post.

Big Tex said...

I'm totally getting a brisket sandwich for lunch today.

H Cuz said...

I’ve seen more intimidating QB’s working the fry-a-lator at Arby’s.

So that's what Drew Bledsoe's up to these days.

Matt said...

"Is there anything in these Texas sky blue eyes that connotes even the slightest HINT of worry that we won’t run over those Jersey faggots like an Iroquois schoolhouse?"

/Love

Chamomiles Davis said...

"Eatie Gonzalez"?

+ Uno

The more I watch Code Monkeys, the more Mr. Larrity reminds me of Double-J, had he decided to purchase a software company instead of a football team.

Bravo yet again, BDD.

Phony Gwynn said...

Thirty if there ain't no smog.

[slow clap]

Heavens to sweatsy, BDD.

Leaking Geek said...

We ain’t got nothin’ to fear from little Eli “Happy Accident” Manning.

+1 BDD

Amazing how all the pundits have crowned him Miss America after his "Defining Moment" against the skirts down in Tampa...

Comicbook Guy said...

unbelieveable......
Sir, I tip my hat to you

grungedave said...

Is Drew so dedicated to his job that he'd sit through Brokeback Mountain just for one clever Wade and Jerry joke? To paraphrase his likely reaction: Fuck and yes.

J.L. White said...

Drew, I've suddenly realized that I've been "proinactive" all my life. Thank you for giving me a word to describe my....aw hell, I'll let someone else define it for me.

bloodyhandedgod said...

Fcking genius, some of your best work. Truly all youse guys have raised the bar.

Winston B. Mcpotsworthy said...

Stunning post. Bloody brilliant.
Feel rike smirre now. Great work gentleman!

Jay said...

Wait a minute, Jerry didn't preface his "I AM FUCKING CRAZY" with "YEEHAW".

OH GOD WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH THE REAL JERRY

Lou Pickney said...

I know that every time I read a column about the Cowboys from BDD, it's going to be gold! Great stuff as usual on this one...

impartialtruth said...

Does making up a conversation in a lame attempt to be funny start to wear on you?

Big Daddy Drew said...

No. Why?

miamidiesel said...

@impartialtruth: what's the matter, are all the jokes about morbidly obese people cutting too close to home for you, you fucking fat sack of fuck? And another thing, I fully endorse bans on tanning for blubber-bellied bags of shit like yourself. What kind of a faggot has a blog strictly to link to the Indoor Tanning Association anyways?

bloodyhandedgod said...

*snort*

Ha Ha Ha.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Now that was some funny shit. Even for a Cowboys fan like myself.

And Romo's gonna make Elisha his bitch this weekend.

"Happy Accident"

GENIUS.

Gourmet Spud said...

Random haters - irrefutable evidence that BDD has reached the big time.

Any J-Buggish buddies you want to throw out so the attacks can become more pointed? Mikey Cheesedick, Pete the Rapist, and the like?

smeos said...

Or you could just like, stop reading it and shit.

Or choke. That would be good too.

Jay said...

Choke under the rolls of his own fat, or choke on the nine hundredth chicken drumstick the fat sack of shit chows down since breakfast? I like the first one, it's more natural.

Slash said...

I enjoyed the (sweaty) after Wade's name. That shit was funny.

They're running some new TV spot with Jerry in it. I don't even know what it's for, I'm so distracted by his frighteningly tightened face. And disappointed that it doesn't end with him screaming, "YEEEEEHAWWW, I AM FUCKING CRAZY!"

Jeffrey said...

I think in reality, they'd tap Brad "fumbles" Johnson to head south to save Romo from Jessica's dreaded vaginal fluids and estrogenical treachery. They've got nothing to loose if Brad gets case of montezuma's revenge...after all Drew Bledsoe is still on waivers, right?

bloodyhandedgod said...

Hmm. There was some ESPN-like editing here since this morning. Some `Robert` was psouting off.

Why would it be edited out , Why does my question mark button again not work ...

Big Daddy Drew said...

Robert is banned, so any comment he makes goes right into the disposal.

Because he's an idiot.

bloodyhandedgod said...

Other than my name being Robert and his embarrasssing our name worse than Robert Downey Jr. playing "Iron Man."

*weeps silently at the fact that my favorite comic book hero as a child will be a disaster of epic proportion. even drunk I am only barely able to fantasize it into a movie classic*

Alright, I'm ok now. Thx for the response Drew.

Andrew said...

That was the best Wade & Jerry in a while ... Ugly Sweaty, Iroquois schoolhouse, Earl of Sandwich? All classic BDD.

And like Jackin'4beats, I'm a lifelong Cowboys fan, but I love Wade and Jerry's exploits. Can't get enough of them.

Keep up the good work, Drew.

Mike said...

Fantastic. I especially liked the "Brazilian asshole" line, which seemed straight out of the Ufford playbook.

Keeping us guessing 'til the byline. A fun new activity at KSK. And with Ape on his roll, good days indeed.