AFC 3rd Seed -- San Diego Chargers (11-5)
[A quiet dinner party]
Sarah: This one time, when I was little, my family was on a road trip and me and my brother were acting up. So my parents just pulled over to the side off the road and let us out.
Sarah: I mean, they did come back, like, five minutes later. They just went to the next exit then doubled back and got us. But we were terrified. Just sitting alone at this rest stop.
Lori: You totally should have just told somebody. You could have gotten your parents in a shitload of trouble. "Hi, our parents abandoned us!"
Sarah: I know, but I...
[A knock at the door]
Lori: I'll get that.
[door busts open]
Philip Rivers: Hey hey, betta ask someboddaaayyyy! What's with all the long faces, lookie fucking loos? Heh. Heh. Heh. Funny fucking anecdote the famous athlete must've interrupted, huh? I'm sure it's everyday a starting NFL quarterback barges in your place. Whoa, where's the goddamn party at?! I don't wanna blow my fucking Wednesday night for shit.
[Someone emerges from the kitchen]
Rivers: What's this cheap shit you got here?
[quaffs entire bottle, spits half on the floor]
Rivers: God, that fucking sucked.
[Throws bottle in high arch toward wall. Bottle doesn't hit wall for a full minute]
Rivers: What? You got a problem with an NFL QB trashing your place? I might as well sign the shards of fucking glass. YEAH, THE FUCKING GLASS! What's this you got on the wall? A Degas print? Aren't you such a sophisto?
Rivers: Me? I don't get art. Art is for fags. Even people named Art are incredibly fucking gay, y'know. RIGHT!? This one's okay though 'cause it's got Mr. Miyagi in it. God, that's so fucking funny. MR. MIYAGI!!! Teach those dancing bitches!
[slaps nearest person on back, laughs in their face]
Rivers: I fucking love Karate Kid. That's why I love Bill Simmons so much. Because he devotes column themes to old fucking movies like Rocky III like it's fresh material. The divisional round column will be about the crappiness of airline food or the quality of computer porn.
[slaps nearest guy on back]
Rivers: This guy likes porn. Huh? Buddy? Huh? FUCK YOU.
Rivers: I don't need this shit.
[Whips out cell phone. Holds it to his ear impatiently for 20 seconds]
Rivers: Fuck you, LT. Pick up your fucking phone. Why is it ringing through? Dick.
[Rivers surveys the increasingly impatient crowd]
Rivers: But, yeah. I gotta get going. It's been fun and shit.
Aren't you gonna offer me some food to get me on my way? Isn't that what considerate hosts do for professional athletes who grace their lame parties? Or is this just a get-together, so the rules don't apply? HUH? WHAT KIND OF SHIT IS THIS? WHY YOU CAN GET-TOGETHER MY BALLS.
[LaDainian Tomlinson emerges from behind couch]
LT: Is he gone?
Rivers pic sent by reader Roger R.