Friday, January 4, 2008

NFL Cheerleader Fictional Biography: Erin

This is Erin.

She likes Indianapolis because it feels so cosmopolitan.

Erin was a Pi Phi at Indiana before finishing her degree in marketing at a smaller college closer to home. This allowed her to spend more time with her high school boyfriend, whom she later learned cheated on her. Her voice trembles when she says that she doesn't regret her decision to leave IU.

Because she's the only remotely attractive woman on the Colts cheerleading squad, she tends to act like she's too good to talk to men who approach her. She never goes home with anyone on the first date, unless he has an expensive car and she happens to drink too much. If that happens, she's likely to cry after or (more likely) during coitus. If she doesn't cry after drinking too much and sleeping with someone, there is a one hundred per cent chance she will tell him that she loves him. The next day, she won't remember the admission, and a week later, she will wonder why he never called her back.

Erin can only have an orgasm through oral sex. Her rare performance of fellatio is marred by apathy and poor technique.

Her father left her mother when Erin was eight.

27 comments:

miamidiesel said...

Ufford to the rescue!

twoeightnine said...

She sounds perfect.

twoeightnine said...

And I'd definitely go 187 on a mother fuckin' Bailey.
http://www.colts.com/sub.cfm?page=cheerleader_bio&id=482

KD said...

wow, sounds like my wife.

Grimey said...

Someone should tell Ufford that his Blogger account got phished by John Steinbeck

The Big Picture said...

no abuse by a distant uncle?

Otto Man said...

And I'd definitely go 187 on a mother fuckin' Bailey.

You'd kill her? Not exactly my first thought, but ... uh ... to each his own.

Michael said...

the "more depressing than i intended tag" really brings the whole thing home. i laughed, i cried, i masturbated. truly the circle of life.

Punch Rockgroin said...

A little Rumple will chase those blues away sweetheart.

Name's Punch, by the way...

smurphette said...

This is hilarious in more ways than you probably intended. Several of my friends read it, too, and we are dying. Great stuff, Ufford.

Sanchez said...

I totally banged her the other night.

Two words: Dead Rabbit.

blogger said...

Arseblog owns this "blog site".

devang said...

Arseblog owns this "blog site".

Dear Douchebag,
You may think we (the degenerates in this said community) give a flying fuck as to what Arsemunch does. News flash, we don't. We come here for the dick jokes, and the rare intelligent discourse. We don't give a shit about who "owns" who. What the fuck does that even mean? Hey if you get more hits and unique visitors, well bully for you. Let me give you a nice pat on the head; now go away and play in your little sandbox Timmy.

Lastly, remember that even if you "win", you're still retarded.

Now go Fuck Off.

Sarah said...

As she's getting warmed up to engage in intercourse after the first date she insists, "I never do things like this, this isn't like me at all."

Brilliant. Perfect description of the majority of sorostitutes I've come across.

JohnDewar said...

You know what? I'd take apathy and poor technique from Erin if she takes the act to completion.

Wonder how she would feel about a nice roofi-tini?

drozz said...

you left out:

"frequently mails material into PostSecret"

Lyman said...

I grew up in Indianapolis. The fellatio part is right-on.

Crazy Little Thing said...

Lyman, don't sell yourself short.

Tymannosourus said...

You forgot to mention that she only does it with all the lights off and she can't take a complement.

Sorgi's Sideline Receiver said...

I'd let Erin catch balls from Jim Sorgi...that is if he could get it to her.

Why does my word verification always say "ufford"?

Comicbook Guy said...

Sarah@Perfect description of the majority of sorostitutes I've come across.

he he he, sonuds alot like my first wife.

Lyman said...

CLT-Well I've since moved to Los Angeles where fellatio seems to be a part of every job application. Erin would never make it by I've been doing quite well.

Bill Fitzgerald said...

You had me at cosmopolitan. Coincidentally, that's also how you get Erin.

Jay said...

I'd jerk it to her.

Also, on behalf of the English population, be assured that nobody outside of London gives a fetid, garlic-laden shit about Arsenal and/or Arseblog.

big skinny said...

Are there really women out there who DON'T fit this description to some extent?

smurphette said...

@big skinny: (raises hand.) Also, you might want to read Sarah's comment above.

Wooderson said...

I hate to say it, but that bio reads a lot like that of my ex-gf from Indiana who ended up having a townies kid. In other words, hilarious.