Thursday, January 3, 2008

Sean Mahan is Killing Me, Slowly and Painfully: The Hater's Guide to the Postseason

If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Okay, well, lust probably won't do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is the first in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.


AFC 4th Seed -- Pittsburgh Steelers (10-6)

I've never hated a Steeler as intensely, as quickly as I hate Sean Mahan.

I realize it makes little sense. He's only in his first year with the team and hasn't done much that anyone who doesn't follow the Steelers would notice. It took me years to sour on Kordell Stewart, someone whose failings and messy sodomy everyone in the league would be familiar with.

And other than the general, staggering crappiness of his play, I know nothing of the guy. His Wikipedia entry is three sentences long, but handily contains the telling phrase "no notable achievements." He did go to Notre Dame, though, which is pretty close to guaranteeing he's a junk grabbing douchebag (sorry Bettis).

Of course, what really rankles me is his place in history. The Steelers have had three starting centers in the last 33 years and they've all been very good to great: Mike Webster, Dermotti Dawson and Jeff Hartings. The three combined for 14 All-Pro selections from 1975 to 2006. It's pretty central to their whole identity as a smashmouth team. That's like following three Drew posts with an Ape post.

This year, however, the line is beyond porous and has given up the second most sacks in the league. To be fair, that's not all Mahan's fault. You can't tell me that, though. Any time Roethlisberger gets dropped, I'm yelling at Mahan, even if the rusher came off the corner beating Willie Colon. Or if Ben is doing that thing where he runs around the pocket actively looking for defensive linemen to bounce off of.

It's gone full-on irrational, this Mahan Mahating. The assessed value of my apartment has dropped? I know Mahan's shitty blocking is driving the real estate crash. Rejected for that promotion? Mahan's giving scoops to other papers. Can't bed that girl I'm going after? Mahan probably turned her off guys.

Just take a look at that lumpen asshole. He looks like Tom Cruise in Vanilla Sky after he got his face jacked up.

He looks like the putzy dad on a CBS sitcom. He looks like he has minimum three balls in his mouth.

In honor of said fucktaster, I've taken to calling broken condoms Mahans, for poorly inspired protection joke reasons. I'd say Jamie Lynn Spears was the victim of a Mahan, but I'm pretty sure she was more a victim of being a Spears, which means going without a connie, ya'll. If the term stuck as with Santorum, that'd be cool, but I'd rather the guy be on the first trebucket ride out of town.

Get fucked and get gone, Sean Mahan.

18 comments:

italfreak32 said...

Ape,

you might not know this, living in D.C., but you might be encouraged to know that all of Pittsburgh shares in your sentiment that Sean Mahan makes Kent Graham look like Terry Bradshaw. On behalf of all of Pittsburgh, I'd like to point out to Kevin Colbert that every big red haired white guy who can grow a beard isn't Alan Faneca.

Also, you forgot to add Ray Mansfield to the back end of all-pro Steeler centers; he's the all-pro who lost his job to Webster.


Fuck you, Sean Mahan.

Raskolnikov said...

"He's the reason I couldn't finish the Chicago Marathon!"

mamacita said...

Ape needs a hug.

((((ape))))

naptown drew said...

Ape, I'm sorry you have this hate in your heart.

That said, Sean Mahan looks like the Baldwin brother all of the other Baldwin brothers fed their leftovers to.

Big Daddy Drew said...

He looks like a fat Scott Foley.

Or Brendan Frasier if he had a thyroid condition.

the taints of new orleans said...

they haven't even lost yet and you're already pissed

he looks like the kid from grace under fire all grown up

quiet strength said...

Ben has been sacked the second most times in the league, only four behind Kitna who has thrown the ball 157 more times than Ben. Despite being 5'9 and 230 pounds as a third grader, Max Starks was always picked last for Red Rover. Kendall Simmons may or may not be the illegitimate daughter of Bill. Under Russ Grimm and Whiz, the Cardinals went from giving up 35 sacks last year to 24 this year despite throwing more. Still, in spite of the fact that he seems to be becoming a scapegoat, I agree. Fuck Sean Mahan.

Unsilent Majority said...

He looks like Tom Cruise in Vanilla Sky after he got his face jacked up.

Nice post, Kanye.

JAMMQ said...

I heard they use Santorum on the grass at Heinz Field.

Matt said...

Don't worry CBS, I still love you.

Christmas Ape said...

It's Mahan's fault you all are mocking me!

Daron said...

It's like an Ape post followed by a Caveman post. You mean this post is followed by a Caveman post?

It's not one of those stupid fake Cowboys conversations, is it? It is? Fuck.

Justin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Captain Caveman said...

So Daron doesn't like posts by Ape, by me, or Wade and Jerry posts (Drew's specialty).

Why don't you specify what we can do to please you, your fucking majesty?

smurphette said...

"He did go to Notre Dame, though, which is pretty close to guaranteeing he's a junk grabbing douchebag (sorry Bettis)."

I take exception to your ND/dbag generalization. As for the
junk-grabbing, I suppose it depends on how much I've had to drink.

Greg Schuler said...

Chukky Okobi is right behind you...

bizzo5000 said...

It is a birthright in Pittsburgh that we have the best center in the league. What has this heathen wrought? Sean Mahan may have fucked up the space-time continuum. We are all doomed.

Jay Stark said...

Maybe he's just too busy creating one of the coolest online games ever.