Wednesday, January 2, 2008

The People Vs. Heinz Field: The Hater's Guide to the Postseason.


If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Okay, well, lust probably won't do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is the first in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.

AFC 5th Seed -- Jacksonville Jaguars (11-5)

"Heinz Field is terrible. That's a lawsuit pending" -- Fred Taylor 1/1/08

Plaintiff's attorney: On numerous occasions the conditions at Heinz Field have been found to be substandard, on others disastrously uninhabitable. My client asserts that the grounds have left him subject to permanent injury. What have you to stay to that?

Heinz Field: glug glug glug glug glug

Defense attorney: Objection! Point of fact: Did not Fred Taylor rush for 147 yards and a touchdown at Heinz Field not more than a month ago? And has Fred Taylor not been injured by the following things throughout his career: Popsicle stick houses, the blown seeds off a dandelion, dust mites, tall grass, fallen Jenga blocks, taking off his socks and tripping on the end of an escalator?

Plaintiff's attorney: My client's history of impairment is immaterial to the downright neglectful and irresponsible tending of Pittsburgh's playing surface. What matters is that on any carry this weekend he could sustain a career-ending injury for no other reason than the field is a sloppy midden heap.

Defense attorney: I wish to call to the stand Hines Ward, a player who has competed on the surface without incident since the stadium opened in 2001.


Defense attorney: Hines, would you describe the turf at Heinz Field as substandard?

Hines Ward: Rrrraaaahhhhh. That so sally! Almost ridicurous! Seen many worst condition than that. Back home, each leceiver get sampan when go out on route.

Hines Ward: See? He wide open for super fantastic catch! I think Fled Tayrol is just lazy pampered Amerrrcan. He no know meaning of hard work.

I can smirrre now?


Plaintiff's attorney: Very well. I have someone of my own who I would like to call to the stand: Troy Polamalu, who has played his entire career with Heinz Field as a home stadium, has been dogged by knee injuries this season, most likely caused by the shoddy playing surface at Heinz. Troy...



Polamalu: (speaking softly, inaudibly)

Plaintiff's attorney: You're gonna need to speak up, Troy.

Polamalu: Help, sinky sand!

28 comments:

Big Daddy Drew said...

Only mirdry lacist?

Big Daddy Drew said...

*Onry?

Burma Jones said...

well it doesn't count as real racisim when it's about Asians and Pacific Islanders.

the great bambi said...

yeah, everyone knows the japanese have no souls

Otto Man said...

It's going to take Mike Tomlin days to brush all that sand out of Troy's mane.

mike said...

fuck fred, we are the only ones who can bitch about our shitty field

quiet strength said...

Taylor shattered his hamstring while brushing his teeth when he was six. True story. Joe D'Amato shakes his fist angrily.

Rocky Top said...

Oh! This racism is killing me inside.

the great bambi said...

@ rocky top

that's not gonna stop racists from hating your outside

J.L. White said...

Me so happy that Fled Tayrol is going to Plo Bowr!

Also, this post was supposed to be about hating the Jacksonville Jaguars, yet it gives more reasons to hate the Steelers. The sheer tonnage of hate that the Steelers attract must require some runoff to spill into other teams' articles, I guess.

quiet strength said...

@rocky top - Me so solly!

SDW said...

Ape is on fucking fire right now. Wow.

Christmas Ape said...

I was trying to stray away from homer-fueled bashing of the Steelers' opponent this weekend, J.L. Perhaps too far, methinks.

Also, die.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Steerer fans, Silky Garrard would like you to know that ten dolla get you anyting you want.

Chris said...

Lame.

This post is what the "edit" function is for.

Average at Best said...

hilarious! i have to say, the asianization of Fred Taylor's name was on point.

Otto Man said...

This post is what the "edit" function is for.

Wait, I thought the edit function was for editing.

I'm all confused. What's the function for bitchy comments?

Mike said...

Genius. The hispanic me was all "he did NOT just go there", and the black me was all "oh yes he DID just go there!"

futuremrsrickankiel said...

I think it's a testament to what a wonderful country we live in that even a shitty pro football stadium in a land-locked, decaying industrial town is entitled not only to speak for itself in open court (to wit: "glug"), but to legal representation. This quite frankly brought tears of patriotic joy to my eyes.

Dobieville said...

For the record, the groin injury Fred incurred that had him outta commission on and off again for most of his professional career actually ripped the muscle off of his pelvis bone as I can demonstrate by eating this chicken wing. Not necessarily your dandelion caliber injury.

Awful Chief said...

Asians smiling <=> Asians thinking about torture

Jeff Hawkins said...

Will Dick Tracy be calling Hines Ward on a watch sometime during the game?

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

That whole post reeks of racial stereotyping.

Sincerely,

Joe D'Amato

B.E. Earl said...

Any field that you can punt a ball and have it stick in the ground like a lawn dart is okay with me.

In fact, they should just play the game with lawn darts. Where's your lawsuit now, Fred?

Landru said...

All is forgiven, Ape. I will drink Haterade for the Skins in your honor, Sir.

Tim said...

Coming from someone who is living and working in South Korea (the soggy homeland of hard working folks that Mr. Ward refers to) I just spit my coffee all over my desk, and coincidentally the Korean girl sitting nearest me, when I read that.

Truly inspired work!


Yes, your readership has gone global.

italfreak32 said...

"land-locked, decaying industrial town"

Pittsburgh is America's most livable city. Fuck you. Also, glug.

John John The Bastard said...

Fred Taylor's biggest relief over his uninjured season this year is that he can now stop sabotaging trains and setting hotel fires in hopes of hearing those precious words "There is only one survivor, he is miraculously unharmed."


Yeah, I can show myself out.