Wednesday, January 2, 2008

It's Like Isiah's Popcorn, Only More Bland!

Hey Isiah, fuck you!

Joe Buck and Troy Aikman are teaming up outside of the bedroom announcers booth to bring Americans more of what they need most, buttery popcorn covered in mysterious goo. This is nothing new for Joe "Dude" Buck, who's always been happy to shill Budweiser, but it could mark the beginning of Aikman's career as a nationwide pitchman. In fact, he's already been attached to such other notable companies as Generic Brick, Wheat Flake Cereal, and various imitation handbag manufacturers.

18 comments:

Awful Chief said...

Aikman's dangling hand appears to be at least twice the size of Joe Buck's puny shoulder clutching paw.

Punch Rockgroin said...

Don't forget Congreve's Inflammable Powders.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Perhaps my mind is just dirtier than that of the average human being, but "Dark Fudge Drizzlecorn" sounds to me like a filthy sex act of unimaginable horror.

Too bad I'm now clearly busy imagining it.

shouldBworkin said...

@futuremrs

Don' forget the praline almonds. I once knew a gal who pralined my almonds..... antibiotics and therapy alow me to finally speak of it today.

My Insignificant Life said...

@ futuremrs & shouldbe

When you add the half time chili and sour cream, now they can get their freak on.

/feel so dirty and violated

Brady Quinn Handjobs said...

Most excitingly ten of these limited edition boxes will contain an
authentic signed letter from Joe Buck and Troy Aikman that will entitle the
recipient to an autographed football from these two football greats.


I just went to NFL.com, and had a hard time finding Joe Buck's stats.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

To be fair, Aikman doesn't even know he's endorsing popcorn. OR fucking Joe Buck.

Head trauma is no laughing matter, kids.

quiet strength said...

"No one knows better than Joe Buck and I, that there is nothing better than getting together with friends and family to watch an exciting football game, but the only thing more exciting this football season, is these incredible popcorn flavors that we created with Dale and Thomas Popcorn." Troy Aikman

I think this quote sums up your point whowillsexmutombo.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

"unique collectibles that will last forever."

So we're NOT eating the homo-corn then? I'm as confused as Aikman.

Otto Man said...

If Aikman actually penned that quote, I think I have a terrific idea for a wacky sitcom based on the 1990s Dallas Cowboys' huddles.

Troy Aikman: "Alright, guys, what we're going to try to do on this down is try to get the first down by running the football to the marker where we need to reach it for the first down we need this series."

Emmitt Smith: "Just handjob the footsie right between the numbnuts on my New Jersey, Troy, and I'll Mount Rushmore the pigpen into the no spin zone."

Michael Irvin: "Goddammit, there are some bigass lines of primo blow running across this fucking park. I'm gonna dive head-first into that shit like it's seventeen-year-old poon."

Jimmy Johnson, stiffly, over the headset: "Hair ... frozen ... Aqua ... net! Aquanet!!!!!"

Aikman: "OK, then, we go on two. Meaning, I will count to two, first one then two, and then we will go when I say two, which will come after the one. And then on two, we go. Got it?"

Smith: "No pablum."

Call Les Moonves.

quiet strength said...

A+ otto. Can't forget about Nate Newton. Will also need to find a way to get Neon Deion and Jason Garret involved. "Have fun giving yourself concussions Troy. In 10 years I'll be the most coveted coach just because I carried your jock for a couple years while you're doing popcorn commercials. That's Ivy fucking League education at work right there."

Suss said...

I imagine that when Dale and Thomas discovered their last name was Popcorn, their entrepreneurial future was pretty much predetermined.

Otto Man said...

Thanks, QS.

Can't believe I left out Nate Newton. Maybe he can be a late-series addition like Cousin Oliver on the "Brady Bunch."

"Aw! Cousin Nate got into the Humboldt again!" (cue warbling trombone sound effects)

quiet strength said...

That show would be fantastic. A quote from Newton: "In the NFL, I lived on two and a half hours' sleep," he says. "It caught up to me, but that's the way I rolled: butt-naked booty bumpin'."

Mike said...

I will purchase a bag of this chocolate drizzle popcorn only if a picture of Randy Moss' faux mooning of the Packers fans in Lambeau field is on the package, with cartoon chocolate flecks flying out of his ass towards the popcorn that is showing through the translucent wrapper.

Lou Pickney said...

Don't forget Troy Aikman's run as a pitchman for the J.C. Potter sausage company.

Haverchuck said...

Wing Stop!

Jesse said...

I thought Dale and Thomas was Isiah's popcorn... you know, Thomas.