Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Straight From the 'Lard


Jeweler: Oh, hiiiiiiiiiii! Anything I can interest you in today? We've got a great selection of pieces in for the holiday. Some lovely diamond pendants, diamond solitaire earrings and an assortment of gleaming shiny rocks that women would do unspeakable things for. Let me know if you need to look at something.

Husband: Yeah, you know, trying to pick out the Valentine's gift. Gotta say: I'm looking for something a little away from the tried-and-true ordinary diamond and gold thing.

Jeweler: All right. Okay. So you're cheap. We have just the thing.

Jeweler: We call this "The Tesoro." It's a garnet pedant with superb detailing of the ventricles and the ateries. Me? I would to get one of these from my boyfriend. The symbolic connection with the heart and Valentine's Day is, like, so strong, y'know. And for a mere $849.99, it's practically a steal.

Husband: Hmmm. I don't know.

[Door flies open]

Philip Rivers: Ya betta ask someboddddaaaaaayyyyy!

Jeweler: Oh, hiiiiiiii! Did I hear you correctly? Are you looking to pop the question to that certain somebody? Well, I can -

[Rivers throws shopping bag, which wafts in the air for 30 seconds then falls two feet in front of him, spilling the contents onto the floor]

Rivers: NO GODDAMIT! LIKE FELLOW HENPECKED HUBBY OVER HERE [slaps him on back], I'M LOOKING FOR A GLEAMING FUCKING BLOW JOB BAUBLE THAT'LL MAKE MY NORMALLY PRUDISH WIFE BREAK OUT THE FREAK NASTY SAUCE! SEE FOR YOURSELF!

[Takes photo out of wallet, shoves it in her face]

That's Jerri Blank, I mean, my non-football playing half, Tiffany. Think her libido belies her dead-eyed Laura Bush gaze? Helllllllll no. Sure, she looks like my slutty Persian nanny, but she's only as loose as an old British nanny. That's what I get for getting hitched with my high school sweetheart. Why else do you think I keep up this public celibacy stuff. There can't be no fun if Laserface don't get none.

Of course, if LaKneeInjury hadn't bailed on me in the conference title game, I'd be swimming in wifey poon right now with a Super Bowl ring. You see how beatable those Patriots were? DID YOU? THEY WERE! I HAD THEM! FUCK YOU!

If I had half a ligament and some willing teammates, it could've been the real superstar QB pulling the upset of the century, instead of Eli going back to his hotel room to suck face with his Pillow Pal in celebration.

Now I have to make the golden sacrifice to the pussy gods.

Jeweler: Oooookay. Well. We do have some fine pieces for your wife. Let's start with the "Perno dei Vestiti."

Here we've got twin 14 carat gold pin earrings with an inlaid diamond at the center, perfect for reminding your special someone of her wifely, distaff, domestic duties. Women love that! I know if my boyfriend bought me one, I'd totally fall for him all over again. What a considerable return for a small fifteen hundred dollar outlay.

Rivers: Yeah, uh-huh, she's married to an NFL quarterback. That bitch don't do laundry, or cook, or stay off the phone with her stupid friends or keep her weight down or GIVE THE ME THE PROPER RELEASE I REQUIRE!

Jeweler: Not so hot on the Perno, huh? Okay, let's move onto the "Dolore."

Look at the craftsmanship on those tiny embedded spikes. You're sure to get a reaction from her from you slip that on her finger. And I want to point out that the spikes are diamond-tipped, to ensure greater sharpness. As a woman, that's something I'd like to know. And, of course, we only accept non-conflict diamonds due to the -

Rivers: Are you fucking kidding me? What's the point, then? I wanna know that some African kid suffered to get that shit! If Tiffany can't wear it knowing that someone endured unspeakable hardship and possible physical mutilation for her material gain, I might as well slip an onion ring on her fattening digits. That's why we only go to places that only sell Shaq Trade Coffee. We need to constantly reaffirm our dominant status.

Jeweler: Well, I can see you're a tough sell. Or should I say your wife is! [forced laughter] Now, I'm not supposed to show this to aaaaall our customers, but for you, I'm willing to make an exception.

It's the championship ring for the 1979 Pittsburgh Steelers, in pristine condition after being ripped from the lifeless, homeless corpse of former center-turned-trainwreck Mike Webster. The four diamonds symbolize the fourth world championship that the team had won. Now, I know what you don't play for Pittsburgh...

[Rivers swipes it from her hand, slams money clip on counter]

Rivers: WWWWWOOOOOO! LIKE SHE CAN TELL THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE! SHE THINKS FOOTBALL INVOLVES JETSKIS! YAAAAAAA! I FINALLY GOT ONE! THINK YOU'RE SO HOT, BEN AND ELI? CLASS OF '04 DRAFT, MY HAIRY, THROBBING COCK! I GOT ONE NOW TOO, ASSHOLES! TIME TO SIRE A FEW MORE DAUGHTERS!

38 comments:

Moof! said...

Whens mexican food and rimming day again?

Otto Man said...

Good thing that kid's buckled tight into the car seat, because most of the stuff in that idiot's hand winds up spiked in the turf soon enough.

Oh, the Jerri Blank reference? + infinity.

Upstate Underdog said...

I'm with Otto, +whatever for the Strangers With Candy reference.

thanks for the early Valentine's Day gift Ape.

1972DavidBowieFromTheZiggyStardustTour said...

Yeah, I was gonna go with Rachel Dratch but Jerri Blank was much better.

Awful Chief said...

Virginia Shaw's should carry those trailer hitch testicles, but gold earrings. I hope to get the song out of my head at some point.

Reserve Windy Placekicker Holder said...

I'm not adopted and I'm not an Indian. It's just a coincidence that I have a love of gambling and booze and a knack for catching syphilis.

Grimey said...

Did you hear? Marmalard went to Jared!

My Insignificant Life said...

@ Otto

If he dropped the kid in the car seat, the kid would float to the ground, like a feather in the air, landing unhurt.

miamidiesel said...

Given all the marital frustration, I would think that BDD ghost-wrote some of this one.

sides said...

hines give mike webstel joke no smirre...

malmarald toor of epic plopoltions. thlee smirre!

J.L. White said...

I wanna know that some African kid suffered to get that shit!

You know Ape, sometimes I question Rivers' douchbag credentials, what with the preaching of celibacy and being married to a short, doughy wife (most douchebags in his situation would have dumped their high school sweetheart before the ink on their NFL contract was dry). But Marmalard reaffirmed his douche-tastic nature with that quote. Yeah, fuck all those starving, one-armed African kids!

Otto Man said...

Yeah, fuck all those starving, one-armed African kids!

"I must make Xiu-Xiu her medicine money!"

/betting I've gone waaay too obscure with that one

Wormfather said...

I get get how he can say fuck africa, every movie is about people being slaughtered or/and AIDS running wild.

I salute you Mr. Douchebag, door flies open, ya better ask somebody, Rivers.

Douche-on man, douche-on.

Leaking Geek said...

[Rivers throws shopping bag, which wafts in the air for 30 seconds then falls two feet in front of him, spilling the contents onto the floor]

Never, ever gets old.

hi there mary said...

my boyfriend bought me a blow job bauble once...

it works, fellas.

nick said...

Wow. Piling on Mike Webster.

You just made my day, in that "At least there are some mother fuckers out there more tasteless than I" kind of way.

Thanks!

FFJewbacca said...

"Shaq Trade Coffee"

Genius.

Dan said...

@ ottoman

i know its a david cross joke but thats as much as my mind is letting me remember today.

/wait a minute, i hate harlow.

Jonny Epic said...

Marmalard, spurned by his wife once again, should probably pay a visit to silky Garrard to finally get the release he deserves.

Otto Man said...

And Dan is the winner.

Or loser, I guess, since we're talking about obscure stand-up references. We call it the Dennis Miller Ratio.

(For the record, it's from his bit about the fancy dinner with the gold shavings on the dessert.)

Narts said...

I almost cooked it!

Ray said...

I'll be laughing for a long while at Shaq Trade coffee. Well played, Ape.

quiet strength said...

I wonder when will I'll get one of those... :(

A ruby ring?

No...a husband like Marmalard. :(

Drizztdj said...

I might as well slip an onion ring on her fattening digits.

I might try this one tonight. Its not like I could get less sex then zero.

Pemulis said...

why not just fuck the onion ring?

Steven said...

LT stands for Low Tolerance for pain. Glad to see we don't have to wait until next season for more Marmalard goodness.

The Lazer said...

moof, is anyone really in a good position for a rimming after mexican food?

oh, and steak and bj day is March 14th, I've already got it marked in my outlook calendar.

John said...

Marmalard is BAAACK!

Good work, Ape. When you're on, no one else is close.

Miyamoto's Chin said...

"I'M LOOKING FOR A GLEAMING FUCKING BLOW JOB BAUBLE THAT'LL MAKE MY NORMALLY PRUDISH WIFE BREAK OUT THE FREAK NASTY SAUCE!"

You are a poet, Ape.

Also: Onry two posts so fall today no make me smirre.

SonOfSpam said...

Jerri Blank and Laura Bush back to back. No wonder Marmalard has trouble keeping Mandy's interest in the car.

Porky1 said...

Christ, she does look like Jerri Blank. Jerri was the most recent thing on TV that ever gave me a creepy nightmare.

romolovescock said...

i havent even read this yet but i already know im happy...i asked for more marmalard...and the lord has given! ....and xmas ape

Otto Man said...

Jerri was the most recent thing on TV that ever gave me a creepy nightmare.

Did she get your bacon strip sizzlin'?

Greg Schuler said...

She doesn't trust albinos, no pigment.

BaCsonkaDonk said...

'Lard! You can see it, in the clouds up in the sky.
'Lard! Floats by in clusters in our water supply.
'Lard! It's in all of us, man. Our pores, and in our hair.
'Lard! What we conceal in those corny clothes we wear.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Finally got a chance to read this... it brought great joy to my dry, shriveled, cynical little heart.

Kevin said...

If you're looking for the real 'Lard, it's in his wife's thighs.

No way out, Marmalard.
No way out.

BeckEye said...

Jerri Blank...ha haha. Perfect.