Friday, February 29, 2008

Fictional Cheerleader Biography: Laura


This is lovely Laura of the Buffalo Jills cheerleading squad.

Laura joined the Jills after a couple of stints in rehab helped her kick a nasty morphine habit. It all started back in high school when the young cheerleader tried to gain favor with the football team by offering her body up for a gangbang. Sadly the petite youngster's body was overmatched, and she was on the receiving end of the full log-splitter treatment. After a handful of surgeries to repair her pelvis and few months in the hospital she was ready to return home, now equipped with a raging drug addiction, sore labia, and enough self-loathing to make an anorexic chick seem prideful.

After a few years the scars healed and the addiction was downgraded to "recreational habit." Once Laura joined on with the Jills even the self-loathing began to subside. Now the cheerleader is a productive member of society once again, and she's looking to improve her self-worth further by bagging a pro football player. But what finely tuned athlete would want any part of those damaged goods? The answer came in the form of a punter, Brian Moorman to be specific. They clicked immediately after meeting at a rally for Ron Paul and things progressed from there. The two are expecting twins this summer and doctors expect them to fly through the birth canal with the ease of two bullets speeding through an empty hallway.

Of course none of this is actually true.

Image via Professional Cheerleader Blog

23 comments:

Upstate Underdog said...

see also loves Beef on Wek.

Cheap Cynicism said...

She was tempted to switch doctors when they used that bullet-hallway simile, but OB/GYNs are so hard to find nowadays.

Rally Monkey Spanker said...

What a dirty filthy whore in that picture! Willing to do anything for money or a quick fix. Joining a team just to help with your abysmal self esteem. Being the center of numerous gang bangs in the locker room after games. Just disgusting.

And then there's Laura......

twoeightnine said...

I know them both... intimately.

Brian's wife is hotter. Much hotter. Like top 5 women I've ever met in my life hot.

the great bambi said...

psssh, chris cooley is not impressed

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Ron Paul, Closed hand hug, uncomfortable smiles, bald dude in a douchebag shirt and man face cheerleader...

Something about this just says, herpes.

Leaking Geek said...

Once Laura joined on with the Jills even the self-loathing began to subside.

Thurman Thomas does NOT approve of this reference.

The Assman said...

twoeightnine

Intimately? Top 5? How about pictures?

JAMMQ said...

I'm sure she's a nice girl.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

She learned to solve her problems watching a squirrel store up nuts for the winter.

Grimey said...

The fictional cheerleader biography isn't true? What the shit?

twoeightnine said...

I have a couple on one of my hard drives somewhere, I did photography and graphic design work for Brian's foundation last season. She's probably the hottest NFL wife outside of any that are big time models.

Tracer Bullet said...

Wow. That might be the most depressing one yet. Kudos?

Pale Writer said...

I was happy for her turnaround until the Ron Paul thing was mentioned. Maybe she can buy a vagi-plasty with all of that tax money she won't be paying.

deafjeff said...

As soon as as I saw Moorman, I thought, man I hope he don't piss off 289.

Gern said...

Okay, it's way too early in the offseason to have a fantasy fruit draft (you didn't include Brady Quinn? He's gonna be pissed). Can't you guys make up a whole football season with results and crazy storylines and whatnot to get us through this dark, treacherous and horribly boring time? Seven years of college down the drain, I might as well join the fucking Peace Corps.

smurphette said...

This is a good one, but Erin from Indianapolis is still my fave.

Tyler Houston said...

When did Matt Holliday start supporting Ron Paul? Oh, and yes, no. (The yes with 2 condoms.)

Phil said...

I'd appreciate if you would refrain from using my photos in your attempts at sick humor

DC said...

Moorman is the man. A punter that's also an athlete? That's unpossible. And everyone in Western New York is an alkie, not a druggie.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

@jammq

I'm sure she's a lovely meat puppet.

Les Savy Ferd said...

hell yeah, Moorman! and hows about a free agency round-up post this week sometime. i'm jonesing for some real nfl news type piece filtered heavily through dick jokes and gay dick jokes.

Jeff said...

Midway through their first coitus, Sean Taylor's corpse busted through the wall kool-aid man style and laid a vicious hit on Moorman. The man just can't win.