Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Welcome To Perfectville. Population: Jackass


Fuck you, Mercury Morris. You can eat a bag of dicks. I think we were all pleased to see the Patriots go down. But YOU, you mediocre piece of shit, you are hereby ordered to pipe the fuck down with your pre-written sound bytes about how you were the best ever.

Know why? Because not only would the 2007 Patriots STILL beat your ass, so would the 2007 Giants.

And, come to think of it, so would the 2007 Dolphins. Yep, I’m quite sure the 2007 Dolphins would wad you up and shit you out like a hot turd. Did your linemen average 300 lbs.? Did your coaches study hours of tape and map out tendencies? Did your receivers do any speed training? Did the ’72 Dolphins have access to creatine and lots of Hammer strength equipment? No?

THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP.

I’m quite sure Cleo Lemon would have a field day with your stupid fucking team. Playing your team today would be like playing a goddamn NAIA team. So shut your piehole and find a place to die quietly. No one cares about how good your team was. Everyone thinks you’re a fucking douche. EUGENE.

Nice glasses, fuckface.

35 comments:

Mr. Held Over said...

The only...and I mean ONLY...bad thing about the Pats losing was hearing this Douche Baggins carp on and on during ESPN's First Take on Monday.

And did anybody see that Reebok commercial that aired on Monday? Where the Giants moving van pulls into the neighborhood and delivers the note to Mercury Morris and the other Dolphins old folks?

Yeah...they can all go suck on some cock.

Brazil Thrill said...

Mercury Morris is a multi-talented man. I mean, check out these phat lyrics from the mouth of Eugene himself:

"PICTURE US LOSIN' TO ANOTHER TEAM WE PLAYED
WAY BACK IN THE DAY YOU SAID THE RECORD WAS MADE
WE POSTED UNDEFEATED STATS THAT NOBODY COULD MATCH
GOT PEOPLE LOOKIN' BACK AND SAYIN', "MAN, HOW'D THEY DO THAT?'

WELL THE ANSWER IS SIMPLE IF YOU BUSTERS JUST DO THE MATH
EVERYBODY GOT BEAT EACH TIME THEY STEPPED IN OUR PATH
YOU MIGHT SAY IT'S A FLUKE THE DOLPHINS WON EVERY GAME
SOMEBODY SHOW ME THE TEAM YOU SAY WHO'S RECORD'S THE SAME
WHAT?"

Wake me up when you come out with your own rap album, BDD.

smoked_cheddar_log said...

I have never agreed with the written word more in my life. Kudos to you.

Upstate Underdog said...

He should get back to trafficking cocaine and stfu.

Comicbook Guy said...

New Catch Phrase now that the Pats have lost
YOU GOTTA HAAAAAAAAATE SOMEBODY!
/Laughs

Jim U. said...

The good thing is that these old Dolphin fucks should die soon. Can you imagine listening to the Patriots and their fans for the next 50 years?

JAMMQ said...

Ya mean ya don't think Nick Buoniconti would have a shot at tackling Brandon Jacobs or that Bob Kuechenberg and all 253 of his pounds wouldn't be able to block Justin Tuck?

Get out!!!

Ya Boy Blue said...

Czonka did set the bar high with his Gladiator-hosting skills... top that Strahan!

Otto Man said...

I propose we just start calling him "Murkel" and be done with it.

SonOfSpam said...

Nick Buoniconti might be able to tackle Brandon Jacobs; just tell him not to lead with his helmet.

Big Tex said...

i don't know, shula could probably beat belichick in a cockchugging contest.

/beats wife

Big Tex said...

and there's a shirt idea, sleevless hoodie in pats colors that reads "/beats wife". you would make a fortune in Camden alone.

SpikeLeaveMeAlone said...

Yea I was preparing myself for the extreme doucheity from him, history or not. Then I realized..

NO ONE EMBODIES DOUCHE LIKE MERCURY MORRIS...JESUS /berman


/shits pants
//takes step back for Blacks everywhere

naptown drew said...

@otto man

For real. When did Sammy Davis Jr. and Jaleel White have a gay baby?

lieutenant winslow said...

dear mercury,

a little less yapping & a little more cocaine trafficking, please.

sincerely,

the good lieutenant

Bobby said...

@naptown drew

fucking great comment

Leaking Geek said...

Alternate ending to Perfectville:

GIANTS truck pulls up, box is delivered.

Morris opens box, finds the head of Don Shula inside (makes Brad Pitt face).

Note reads: STFU Morris or you're next!
Signed, Sam Huff.

Perfect!

Christmas Ape said...

Sam Huff's senility is just as annoying as anything Morris does.

Val Prieto said...

While I agree that old Mercury should shut his trap, and as Im sure Ill get skewered in these comments, I wouldnt discount the 72 Dolphins so easily. Football was much different back then. Put today's players - with all their fancy conditioning and shit - in yesterday's pads and let'em take a few licks. Think Brady was fazed by the Giants taking him down every other play? Imagine him going down every play without all the protection he has now.

back then, you could actually tackle a quaterback, as opposed to today's little wussy bullshit.

futuremr.futuremrsankiel said...

Senior Morris-
Did you order rocks or powder for the after party?

Sincerely
Juan Carlos
Distributor Extraordinaire

Lyman said...

OT here but Leitch was on AM 570, a Sportstalk station here in L.A. last night and mentioned KSK and a post about Eli. Pretty cool right? I'm thinking about going to his signing tonight but if I do that I can't wait for the cheaper paperback edition of his book ...

Ben said...

Drew you are on fire. Nice work.

August West said...

Of course they couldn't compete: the 72 Dolphins didn't even have a Bowflex.

jeremy said...

From here on out, I'll be cracking open a bottle of champagne every time one of these farging '72 Dolphin bastages bites the dust. (Though maybe I'll go with a 40 of Coldcock, instead, when Mercury eats it.)

Otto Man said...

If I hadn't landed on Murkel -- or I guess I should've said Murkelry? -- I would've said he looks a lot like Eddie Murphy in the SNL sketch where he goes undercover as a white guy.

"Ha ha ha! What a silly Negro!"

futuremrsrickankiel said...

@future: Rick, sweetie, is that you?

Otto Man said...

@future: Rick, sweetie, is that you?

I have a sinking feeling that I'll be describing this meeting to an FBI investigator in the near future.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Oh no! It was a joke!

Otto Man said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Otto Man said...

I'll always remember her last words, Agent Robertson. "Oh no! It was a joke!"

Oh no, indeed. At least we'll always have Futuremrsrickankiel's Law to protect other women from the dangers of cyberstalking.

futuremr.futuremrsankiel said...

If by "Rick" you mean Bob, then hey honey how's it going.

flyoverguy said...

I can't wait until Merc dies.

dick_gozinia said...

Here's a fancy little tidbit from Murkel's great '72 season.

"Morris was first thought to have finished with 991 yards, but the Dolphins asked the league to examine a play in which Morris fumbled a lateral. Morris was awarded the nine yards previously scored as lost on the play, giving him 1,000 yards for the season."

So, Murkel got his 1000 yards on a goddamn technicality. He also got a plea bargain in his coke trial on a technicality. Maybe he'll find a way to stop being a fucking douchnozzle on a technicality too. Although at this point, he'd have to pull me out of a burning car or something.

dusty said...

Nice to hear that Mercury Morris thinks rap peaked with Curtis Blow. Huh-ha-ha-ha!

BaCsonkaDonk said...

See, this is why no other team can go undefeated. Their players will be a million times worse. And they'll be with us a lot longer.