Friday, February 15, 2008

Fictional Cheerleader Bio: Britney


This is Britney, cheerleader for the Bucs. Britney is the coolest cheerleader in the world. In fact, she wears nothing BUT her cheerleading uniform, even while buying groceries. She enjoys snorting cocaine and then riding around on a Waverunner. She will do tequila shots with you until 6AM, and then eat a 96 oz. ribeye for breakfast. She listens to The Sword. She likes football, but has the courtesy to watch it in a another room so you can watch it with your friends. Like 99.99% of the population, she can kick Simmons' ass in Scrabble.

She speaks 7 different languages and eats raw shellfish at least once a day. She likes firing guns. She likes men with back fat. She can shimmy up a palm tree in 7.8 seconds. She'll have fresh popovers ready for you in the morning, every morning. She fucking hates Ellen Pompeo. She can quote all of Kinison's best work, including, "Well, it wouldn't be like that if someone had a ladder and a pair of pliers!!!" She actually likes her female friends. She threw eggs at NOW protesters from her community college dorm room.

She's open to threesomes, and to guiding you through the process. Her father invented the cuckoo clock, and thus she is worth billions. Her Dad will take you golfing at Augusta any time you wish. She sleeps in the nude. She'll teach you how to surf. She likes cars that go really fucking fast. She smokes enough weed to make the Maj look like a goddamn 8th grader. She's got an oceanside condo with a pool bar and 12-burner gas grill. Her teeth and feet are fucking flawless. She follows her birth control pill schedule with military precision.

She majored in English at UVA. Her favorite book is Catch-22. She's smart as shit, but she's not quite as smart as you.

But she smokes. Dealbreaker?

46 comments:

Brady's a douchebag said...

Not a dealbreaker unless her last name is Spears.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Remember kids if she smokes she pokes.

Upstate Underdog said...

She loves back fat. Smoking will not be a deal breaker.

off topic: nice to CC and With Leather featured at foxnews.com right now.

Narts said...

"It's so bitter. Tastes like ashes in my mouth..."

"I think it's more of a honey-glaze"

Narts said...

But, seriously, she's one of the hottest women I've seen...if she was all of those other things, smoking wouldn't be a deal breaker. The coke use might...

The Last Unitard said...

I'm cool with everything except the 96 oz. steak. I couldn't be with a woman who could eat more steak than me.

Narts said...

If that quote at FoxNews wasn't attributed to Ufford, I would have sworn it came from Bill "Was it a negligee sitation?" O'Reilly.

naptown drew said...

That's my kind of girl!

Nathan said...

I was won over by her liking The Sword. That band rules and any hot chick that likes them is a winner. She could ritualistically skin and eat her boyfriends and I'd be ok with it.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Nice catch, UU... I love that the text of the WL post is treated as though it were a response given in a press conference or something. That's just priceless.

Big Tex said...

can she beat me in the original arcade version of mortal kombat? that's the ultimate dealbreaker.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Also, @narts: Are you sure that's not a clove?

Upstate Underdog said...

don't mention it futureMrsA. And you are right, it does sound like they talked to Matt when they just took it right off the web site.

Chris said...

Even Brady Quinn would bang her. That is how hot she is.

Dickens Cider said...

Well, I really did believe her bio until you said she went to UVA. Being from Charlottesville I can tell you no UVA chick is that hot or that cool.

Christmas Ape said...

UVA? That's the bleu cheese of colleges!

Phony Gwynn said...

But she smokes. Dealbreaker?

Only if she puts it out on the head of my penis.

And even then, I'd probably say "Nah."

Jim U. said...

It looks like Fox has killed With Leather.

smurphette said...

No English major at UVA has ever been that cool. I know this because if Britney was real, we would've been friends in college.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Yes it would appear withleather has shit the bed.

My Insignificant Life said...

Dealbreaker? Nah But she needs to brush 3x a day, floss and use scope.

Otherwise, I'll be resting my beer on her lower back.

Christmas Ape said...

WithLeather is down because it's being flooded with traffic from Fox News

westbrook is my anti-drug said...

But does she wear a short skirt and a long jacket?

Otto Man said...

So UVA is a community college now?

SteelClink Alcatraz said...

big daddy klosterman?

Tanning Lotion said...

It would be a dealbreaker.

Punch Rockgroin said...

As long as she doesn't bum all my damn smokes.

Even though P-Funks are often 2 for 1...

Tracer Bullet said...

Switch out The Sword (what the fuck is that?) for, say, Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings and make her use Scope and gum obsessively and no, it's not a dealbreaker. So long as she does anal.

Pale Writer said...

I suddenly feel very alone and unloved.


/Not even my word verification of icup is cheering me up.

Rally Monkey Spanker said...

All of that and "she is worth billions?" There is no such thing as a deal breaker with her. Not even an icepick to the applesack could make her that bad.

Unless she's a pats fan, then I OSI-fy her, and then dump the fucking skank. No pun intended.

Hateraid said...

"She's smart as shit, but she's not quite as smart as you."

Methinks I smell a contradiction. I am not the brightest bulb in the bunch.

Pelican State Sports said...

dealbreaker. Current wife can't stand smokers.

Ben said...

"Like 99.99% of the population, she can kick Simmons' ass in Scrabble."

+1000. Awesome.

romolovescock said...

the dealbreaker was the fact that she reads books....*shudders*

John said...

The smoking's not a killer. The weed use might be.

Ken Dynamo said...

maybe if she smokes MY COCK! yeah sluts!!!

BaCsonkaDonk said...

I hate to burst everyone's bubble, but I did the research, and about three quarters of the Bucs cheerleaders are communications majors at USF. So they're probably not discussing Foucault in the offseason.

Also, as a UVA alum, let me tell you that there are tons of girls there who would blow Britney out of the water.

ben said...

@bacsonkadonk: My sister is a UVA alum, but she majored in Sports Medicine. Don't touch her.

As for the rest, I'd try to wean her onto And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead instead, but otherwise, perfection. Any man can overcome kissing an ashtray for that kind of woman.

Michael said...

Deal breaker when I got to the "She smokes enough weed to make the Maj look like a goddamn 8th grader." part.

Not cool.

But other than that, she is perfect.

Jackin'4Beats said...

WAHOO WA WAHOO WA UNI-V VIRGINEE-AH, WHO RA RAY, WHO RA RAY, RAY RAY UVAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

Too bad our basketball team sucks big ass. But I would do Britney every day of the week and 10 times on Sunday.

DeCAF! said...

Drew,

You delete my comments faster than Simmons won't allow them. WTF?

James said...

@j4bs

damn, i never knew there were so many uva kids on this board. indeed the team sucks ass, but if you can buy some high quality baking powder mixed with ground caffeine pills then the sucking goes down so much more sweeter... oh wait a minute, we were just ripped off $70... fuckin-a.

i will just add this... i knew a total of two kids from uva who graduated with english degrees. one is now a lawyer, and the other sells furniture. so i suppose, britney is right where she's supposed to be.

Big Daddy Drew said...

You delete my comments faster than Simmons won't allow them. WTF?

Yes, that happens when you throw down the n-word and write annoying slash fiction that has nothing to do with the post.

DeCAF! said...

Okay, thanks for the advice. I'll stop using the N-word. I mean, some people think that it's just a word. And if you're hyper-sensitive about it, you just give it (the word) more power and actually help racist fucks that use that word in a derogatory way. I still think you're way better than Simmons. If I ever see him, I'll drop that fucker and tell him it's a gift from you. I'll also let him know that you don't like the "N-word." Also, what made you think my stories were fiction? Can I buy you a half-rack of your favorite beer?

smoked_cheddar_log said...

The sad part of this post is that after finding out she listens to the Sword, for the rest of the post you start thinking "she's impossibly great," and then the post is done and you're back to being unloved and lonely in your crappy life...

Stocky said...

There is no deal breaker possible. No way. Any of you that say different are lying.