It's been over two weeks since the official end of the season, and we at KSK are already in withdrawal from the loss of the NFL's weekly dosage of hot measty action. As a way to stave off delirium tremens, we looked back on the 2007 season and came up with your official first-ever All-Meast Team.
Now, coming up with an All-Meast Team is no cakewalk. The six of us can barely contain our contempt for each other on a good day, so you can imagine the electronic slapfights that ensued when we brought our homeristic tendencies to a free-for-all squabble. After a lot of tears and one anonymous ballot voting for every player on the Redskins, we came to an agreement on the following guidelines.*
*I decided these would be the guidelines when I chose to write up the post.
1. We're not limited by the number of players on the field at one time, as with All-Pro or Pro Bowl selections. Only two defensive ends? Fuck that. Everyone who deserves to be on the team will get on the team.
2. All-Meast selections must be an acceptable combination of meastiness and character-driven qualities that make the player a person of interest at KSK.
3. This team is a list of players who embody a made-up word, as judged by six people far too lazy to make something of themselves. As such, anyone who takes this seriously enough to argue about the exclusion of a player will be punched in the testicles.
QB: None. Quarterbacks are gay. Purple Jesus can take snaps from the Wing-T.
RB: Adrian Peterson, Vikings -- There's been a Purple Jesus backlash from people who insist his nickname is "All Day." Fuck those people. A nickname is whatever sticks.
RB: Brandon Jacbos, Giants -- It' not so much a vote FOR Jacobs as it is a "fuck you" to Tiki Barber.
RB: Laurence Maroney, Patriots -- Despite our anti-Pats bias, we had to give it up for Kool-Aid, the man who gave us construda and begul-shitting.
FB: Eh, whatever. If we could combine Lorenzo Neal's meastiness with Madison Hedgecock's name, that would be KSK's ideal fullback.
WR: Larry Fitzgerald, Cardinals -- Still in search of crackers.
WR: Hines Ward, Steelers -- Stirr Chlistmas Ape numbah one leceivel.
TE: Chris Cooley, Redskins -- Read this.
TE: Jason Witten, Cowboys -- Admitted to All-Meast Team only if he plays sans helmet.
TE: Kevin Everett, Bills -- Kind of a dick move by Sean Taylor to get killed when we'd already named the weekly Meast award after Everett.
OL: Joe Thomas, Steve Hutchinson, Andre Gurode, Logan Mankins, and a right tackle of your choosing. We don't really care all that much.
DE: Osi Umenyiora, Giants -- Turned on by defecating on women? Welcome to the All-Meast Team.
DE: Jared Allen, Chiefs -- Credited his mullet for success.
DE: Patrick Kerney, Seahawks -- He wears that tight skull cap that only black people should wear. I won't even wear a loose-fitting white t-shirt outside.
DE: Aaron Kampman, Packers -- Another white guy? What the hell?
DT: Albert Haynesworth, Titans -- Last year: Booo! Hiss! This year: The Titans are nothing without him.
DT: Pat Williams, Vikings -- Teammate and fellow dominant interior lineman Kevin Williams missed the cut after not carrying a gun following Sean Taylor's death.
LB: Brian Urlacher, Bears -- Still pretty good; also, apologetic.
LB: Julian Peterson, Seahawks -- Single-handedly making the name "Julian" ten percent less gay.
LB: James Harrison, Steelers -- Similar to Joey Porter, but less of a piece of shit as a human being.
CB: Pacman Jones, Titans -- Pacman is the only selection to this year's team who was a big enough badass to get suspended for the entire year. Let's see YOU do that, Terrell Owens. No, seriously: we could really use a year off from you.
CB: Fred Smoot, Redskins -- Oh, he's a fucking terrible cornerback, all right. But when was the last time YOU enjoined two strippers with the same dildo?
CB: Antonio Cromartie, Chargers -- We felt like at least one of the cornerbacks should have made at least one good play during the season. Cro-Mart made a bunch.
S: Reggie Nelson, Jaguars -- Reggie thinks this is an okay post, but it ain't all that.
S: Sean Taylor, Redskins -- Mike Wilbon totally foresaw his selection.
None. Special teams are gay. That's right: even YOU, Devin Hester.