Tuesday, February 19, 2008

The 2007 KSK All-Meast Team

It's been over two weeks since the official end of the season, and we at KSK are already in withdrawal from the loss of the NFL's weekly dosage of hot measty action. As a way to stave off delirium tremens, we looked back on the 2007 season and came up with your official first-ever All-Meast Team.

Now, coming up with an All-Meast Team is no cakewalk. The six of us can barely contain our contempt for each other on a good day, so you can imagine the electronic slapfights that ensued when we brought our homeristic tendencies to a free-for-all squabble. After a lot of tears and one anonymous ballot voting for every player on the Redskins, we came to an agreement on the following guidelines.*

*I decided these would be the guidelines when I chose to write up the post.

1. We're not limited by the number of players on the field at one time, as with All-Pro or Pro Bowl selections. Only two defensive ends? Fuck that. Everyone who deserves to be on the team will get on the team.
2. All-Meast selections must be an acceptable combination of meastiness and character-driven qualities that make the player a person of interest at KSK.
3. This team is a list of players who embody a made-up word, as judged by six people far too lazy to make something of themselves. As such, anyone who takes this seriously enough to argue about the exclusion of a player will be punched in the testicles.

OFFENSE

QB: None. Quarterbacks are gay. Purple Jesus can take snaps from the Wing-T.
RB: Adrian Peterson, Vikings -- There's been a Purple Jesus backlash from people who insist his nickname is "All Day." Fuck those people. A nickname is whatever sticks.
RB: Brandon Jacbos, Giants -- It' not so much a vote FOR Jacobs as it is a "fuck you" to Tiki Barber.
RB: Laurence Maroney, Patriots -- Despite our anti-Pats bias, we had to give it up for Kool-Aid, the man who gave us construda and begul-shitting.

FB: Eh, whatever. If we could combine Lorenzo Neal's meastiness with Madison Hedgecock's name, that would be KSK's ideal fullback.
WR: Larry Fitzgerald, Cardinals -- Still in search of crackers.
WR: Hines Ward, Steelers -- Stirr Chlistmas Ape numbah one leceivel.
TE: Chris Cooley, Redskins -- Read this.
TE: Jason Witten, Cowboys -- Admitted to All-Meast Team only if he plays sans helmet.
TE: Kevin Everett, Bills -- Kind of a dick move by Sean Taylor to get killed when we'd already named the weekly Meast award after Everett.
OL: Joe Thomas, Steve Hutchinson, Andre Gurode, Logan Mankins, and a right tackle of your choosing. We don't really care all that much.

DEFENSE

DE: Osi Umenyiora, Giants -- Turned on by defecating on women? Welcome to the All-Meast Team.
DE: Jared Allen, Chiefs -- Credited his mullet for success.
DE: Patrick Kerney, Seahawks -- He wears that tight skull cap that only black people should wear. I won't even wear a loose-fitting white t-shirt outside.
DE: Aaron Kampman, Packers -- Another white guy? What the hell?
DT: Albert Haynesworth, Titans -- Last year: Booo! Hiss! This year: The Titans are nothing without him.
DT: Pat Williams, Vikings -- Teammate and fellow dominant interior lineman Kevin Williams missed the cut after not carrying a gun following Sean Taylor's death.
LB: Brian Urlacher, Bears -- Still pretty good; also, apologetic.
LB: Julian Peterson, Seahawks -- Single-handedly making the name "Julian" ten percent less gay.
LB: James Harrison, Steelers -- Similar to Joey Porter, but less of a piece of shit as a human being.
CB: Pacman Jones, Titans -- Pacman is the only selection to this year's team who was a big enough badass to get suspended for the entire year. Let's see YOU do that, Terrell Owens. No, seriously: we could really use a year off from you.
CB: Fred Smoot, Redskins -- Oh, he's a fucking terrible cornerback, all right. But when was the last time YOU enjoined two strippers with the same dildo?
CB: Antonio Cromartie, Chargers -- We felt like at least one of the cornerbacks should have made at least one good play during the season. Cro-Mart made a bunch.
S: Reggie Nelson, Jaguars -- Reggie thinks this is an okay post, but it ain't all that.
S: Sean Taylor, Redskins -- Mike Wilbon totally foresaw his selection.

SPECIAL TEAMS

None. Special teams are gay. That's right: even YOU, Devin Hester.

39 comments:

Moof! said...

I implore everyone to call AP Purple Jesus. I didn't spend $30 on 289's crown of thorns shirt for the nickname to fade into obscurity. fuck that shit.

the great bambi said...

what do you mean hester's gay? the sex cannon christened him the bullet

Franklin said...

No Marion Barber? That guy is a beast!
/Spreads legs for testicle punch

quiet strength said...

I'd say there's a certain meastiness to Matt Walsh.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Fuck Matt Walsh. I hope he runs into Logan Mankins by the light of a full moon.

New England Homerism: annoying the bejeezus out of you since 2001.

Trey J. Diggity said...

YA FAHGAT ABOUT WELLLLKAHHHHH!!!!!

JAMMQ said...

No QB's? Not even Eli? Fuck you he's a nice boy

Phony Gwynn said...

I forgot about that boatload of bad-assedness that is Chris Cooley.

SlideShow Bob said...

C'mon Hester is a meast, unless u mean as a reciever. Cause yah he couldnt catch dick

the great bambi said...

that's why the KSK gay mafia excluded him, he couldn't catch a dick

Robocats said...

Devin Hester doesn't want your nomination anyway.

Had he received it, he just would have returned it.

quiet strength said...

TMQ doesn't like how many running backs you consider meast. TMQ also does not like how how many were high draft picks/glory boys. Nor does he like how few have been cut elsewhere and only thrive because of the system they play in. However, he does like the taste of his own butt hash. So that's something.

John S. said...

No Bronko Nagurski?

naptown drew said...

Where's Brady Quinn? If heckling club-gays from a safe distance isn't Meastly, I don't know what is.

Upstate Underdog said...

No Bob Sanders or Marshawn Lynch ?

Dale said...

Lt. Winslow should have made it over Witten. The man played with one knee the last two years and one shoulder the last half a year.

Plus, he's the original fuckin souldja. Just look how many deadspin commenters are named after him. He spreads love, joy, skittles, and irony wherever he goes.

Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

Two Titans selected to the team. You should have chosen Vince Young just to give a big FUCK YOU to Merril Hoge.

Not to say Vince has been specatactular, but I just hate Hoge.

Jay said...

I can't believe you people have already forgotten about Horse Balls.

For shame.

Chris said...

You got the wrong Bear. Olin Kruetz averages one personal foul penalty a game, and I'm convinced he's got a shiv in his sock.

Comicbook Guy said...

Kevin Everett, Bills
No One, I repeat, No One from the Bills belongs on this list, ever. Bad enough Kool-Ade is on it (HA!)

twoeightnine said...

Fuck Matt Walsh. I hope he runs into Logan Mankins by the light of a full moon.

You're hoping that Matt Walsh sacks Brady?

Revenge of Jobu's Stolen Rum said...

"A nickname is whatever sticks."

Just ask "Neon" Deion "Primetime" Sanders "Claus"

drozz said...

kevin kolb.

fits the list. no contribution to team whatsoever. just chases down wild boar. on foot. and then kills them. with a knife.

/bracing for genital slap

Doje said...

where is patrick willis?

Spud Randall said...

I'm pretty sure there's another player who got suspended for the season and probably is meast-ing it up on the Leavenworth squad as we speak.

Tom Brady's Man Chowder said...

Larry Izzo is way more meastly than Devin Hester, who is more like a moadrunner or a meetah.

Greg Schuler said...

Silky Garrad, eh, never mind.

quiet strength said...

Ricky Williams is fuming right now. He won't take off his helmet until someone acknowledges his year-long suspension...

J.L. White said...

I know that he plays on special teams and he totally raped Devin Hester earlier this year, but Josh Brown certainly isn't gay. That's why he's my avatar, and that's why he's rejected my offer of roses, chocolates and sodomy 3 Valentine's Days in a row.

Mark P said...

Mankins still makes it after being steamrolled all Super Bowl?

smeos said...

Lofa Tatupu belongs here.

Ron Hextall, too. Yeah, I know he's a hockey player, but he used to give me nightmares as a kid.

Drew said...

I liked this blog until it said that Devin Hester was gay. Man, there is nothing gay about setting NFL records as a rookie, and breaking them as a sophmore.

Drew said...

Oh, and there is nothing gay about being a bronco killer either.

rar288 said...

Yeah... Josh Brown "totally raped" Devin Hester. He like accidentally ran into him and acted like a total asshole when he "tackled" him... Josh Brown's a douche.

Brian said...

Christ, I hate when people bitch about who gets left off an arbitrary list...but that shot Mike Sellers laid on Kenoy Kennedy was the single-meastiest thing I saw all season.

Also, blow me comicbook guy. Bruce Smith has taken shits tougher than this entire list combined.

brad said...

@ comicbook guy and brian

Let's not forget Jim Kelly breaking a Falcon DB's LEG after he picked off a Kelly pass.

Pale Writer said...

Olin Kreutz was hit in the face with a five pound weight, didn't fall, then broke the other guy's jaw. That's pretty measty.

What about the hit Maurice Jones Drew put on Merriman? Doesn't the fact that you knocked a steroid user on his ass qualify you?

dick_gozinia said...

@ pale writer....

I couldn't agree more about MJD.

Also, Josh Brown is completely measty. He buried Hester and then wore hot pants in Green Bay.

Josh Brown = as measty as a kicker can get.

Blogger said...

I have just downloaded iStripper, and now I enjoy having the best virtual strippers on my desktop.