Tuesday, February 19, 2008

WARNING: Smoking causes lung cancer, heart disease, emphysema and cartoon hilarity

Somebody put a stopwatch on this young upstart.
Snyder likes the cut of his jib.

I learned something today. Namely, that in 1958, NFL broadcasts were sponsored by Marlboro and America was an awesome place to be. Just watching this old commercial makes me want to drive a Packard, drink scotch and listen to be-bop on the Hi-Fi.

Pay special attention to the cartoon mascots of the era:

  • The Redskins mascot: probably the most racist thing in the history of Western Civilization. If D.W. Griffith had been alive when this thing was made, he would have said "are you sure we can't tone this down a scoch?"

  • The Packers proxy is a cleaver wielding maniac. How did Marlboro anticipate Jeffrey Dahmer's reign of terror in Wisconsin?

  • True story: the Cleveland Browns mascot is played by a young Dennis Kucinich.

  • As this commercial was made during the twentieth century, there is no reference to a Boston pro football franchise.


Words to live by: "the better the makins, the better the smoke." Who knew the Maj was cribbing wisdom from Chris Schenkel?

21 comments:

SlideShow Bob said...

I had no clue the 49er's used Yosemite Sam as as their mascot.

Josh said...

the Pittsburgh mascot has a look on his face like he just saw Steely McBeam for the first time.

Otto Man said...

The Cleveland Brownie really wants to be a dentist.

Jeffrey said...

I think a young Jerry Jones was the inspiration for that Niner's mascot.

Someone might want to inform Mr. Schenkel that he is in fact indoors and can take off the trench coat.

Do tan trench coats = credibility? How has Hillary Clinton not exploited this fact yet?

Francois Leroux Speedskater said...

@jeffrey

Carl Monday wears a tan trench coat, so they must equal credibility.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

How I wish it were still the 50s... not only would flagrant racism be socially acceptable, but I could just get married and settle down to make Velveeta casseroles and vacuum in my pearls rather than having to pretend I'm interested in, like, a career and junk.

Rob I said...

Redskins mascot: still offensive after all these years. I should know; I'm one sixty-fourth Choctaw, and one thirty-second tchotchke.

Wormfather said...

Why dont you get Malboro to sponsor the site? Just a suggestion. I'm sure they'd at least listen...maybe even pay you guys like $10.00 a month.

rukrusher said...

Schenkel's love for Marlboro was the reason he gave up Pro Football and moved to the Pro Bowlers Tour full time. He loved watching guys take a drag as they rolled a 7-10 split.

flubby said...

wormfather, Marlboro only wanted to pay us in loosies. we have our standards.

QueeferSuthrland said...

futuremrsrickankiel-

/insert pearl necklace joke here

I'm so sorry dear.

bfreakin3 said...

What's a jib?

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Ahh... I come for the football, but I stay for the dirty jokes.

A jib is the triangular sail in front of the main mast on a sailboat or yacht. Yes, I'm an asshole for knowing that.

MicroscopicElvis said...

And remember, for all of our Negro customers, Marlboro makes the best mentholated cigarette in the land

JAMMQ said...

Is that Leitch playing the emo/gay Cardinal?

Jackin'4Beats said...

Elvis...was a hero to most but he naver gave shit to me the straight out sucker was racist just simple and plain, muthafuck him and John Wayne.

Good riddance to the 50s.

Lou Pickney said...

That Steelers mascot has a penis on the end of his chin.

Tamatha said...

Ah, the Baltimore Colts. It's been so very long since I've heard that. Music to my ears.

And why, in god's name, is it possible, in 2008, that the Redskins are still called that?!?

smurphette said...

@futuremrs: Ah, the good old days. Then again, many of my classmates at UVA were working conscientiously toward their Mrs. degrees, so there are those among us still living the dream. I'm guessing you had your share of those at Princeton as well.

BEHM777 said...

Looking at that made me realize how totally fagaliciously lame the Steelers were to have won absolutely nothing until Chuck Noll came on the scene. There were only 3 teams (okay, 12) in the whole freakin' NFL!! How do you NOT win a championship in 40 years? And Cowher looks even gayer as the Steeler's mascot than he does in that America's Game commercial.

Yeah, the 'Skins need to change their name & mascot, blah, blah, blah. As soon as America lives up to the words in the Declaration of Independence...

Archimedes said...

Marlboro provides us with EVERY TEAM in the league?

I'd better start smoking.