Friday, February 15, 2008

KSK Off Topic: The Bleu Cheese Story

A couple weeks ago, I noted in a Jamboroo that I didn’t abide by bleu cheese dressing with buffalo wings. I was then sternly taken to task by members of the pro-bleu cheese community, which, like the cheese itself, is surprisingly robust. But I didn’t take the time to explain WHY I was so strongly against bleu cheese. Some people obviously like it, and some do not. But I am different. I have a history with bleu cheese.

You see, when I was a child, I adored bleu cheese. Loved it. Stilton, gorgonzola, saga bleu, you name it, I happily devoured it. Some girl said to me once, “You know it’s blue because it’s moldy, right?” And I said, “Really? That’s fucking cool!” I enjoy bleu cheese in all its delicious forms: on a cracker, on a steak, on a salad, on a GoBot. No matter the occasion, it was all good to me.

Until one day in college.

Upon returning home for Christmas vacation one year, my brother, his girlfriend, my sister and I all hit the mall one day to do some Christmas shopping. In the middle of the day, we went to go get lunch. We chose Pizzeria Uno.

Let me state this plainly: NEVER EAT AT FUCKING PIZZERIA UNO.

We ordered two pizzas. One was a veggie deep dish. The other was a sausage deep dish. Guess which one I ate. My brother and I split the sausage pie and then went about our business.

Then we got home. And that’s when the trouble started. Later in the afternoon, I noticed a distinct rumble in my stomach. As I do when trying to solve any problem, I laid down to see if it would simply go away. It did not. Soon it felt as if my stomach were being used as a set of bagpipes. My brother looked at me.

“Drew, you don’t look so hot.”

“Uh, maybe I should have something to eat.”

It was Christmas. I really didn’t want to be sick and miss out on all the food. So I tried eating. Bad move. By dusk, the retching began. As you know, I am a hugely talented projectile vomiter. It’s not unlike a dam breaking. My jaw unhinges and the maximum volume of vomit physically possible exits my body at an astonishing speed. My brother came into the bathroom to check on me. Oops. Suddenly, he wasn’t feeling so hot. We began taking turns having a Roman Holiday in the toilet.

All my life, vomiting always tended to make things better. But this was hardcore food poisoning, and it didn’t stop. Through the night, my brother and I traded dry heaves until my mother decided she could take no more and took us to an ER.

The ER made everything worse. I had to lay on the floor just to keep from doubling over, but the fluorescent light made me dizzy as shit. Next to us was a very old woman who also could not stop vomiting. Only when she did it, my brother and I found it HILARIOUS. It sounded like she was on a carnival ride she didn’t enjoy.


They shot us with some sort of anti-nausea medicine. It failed. Finally, doctors brought out suppositories.

“You two can’t keep anything down. We’ll have to go the other way.”

It was shaped like a little chalky missile. Fun! Not caring, I quickly jammed it up my ass. They gave us two more to take through the night. My mom drove us home. We both felt a little better. We thought we had turned a corner.

We were dead wrong.

For Christmas, my mother had bought a very large wheel of bleu cheese that she kept cool by covering with a cheesecloth and putting out on the breezeway between the garage and the main part of the house. You couldn’t get in the house without going through it. My brother and I had completely forgotten about this. And when we hit the door exiting from the garage…

Have you ever been truly sick and miserable, and so tired you’re practically near whimpering, only to be kicked while you‘re down? Imagine going to a doctor, only instead of treating you, the doctor wipes your face with a pair of used running socks.

It was like that.

We all have our food traumas in life that put us off something for good. This was mine. I’ll never eat bleu cheese again unless it’s by accident. In fact, whenever I see it, I now think:


And whenever I see a Pizzeria Uno, I think of jamming a chalky missile up my ass. Life’s a bitch sometimes.


Chris(BessMervinGirlDetective) said...

I heard Brady Quinn is a fan of the chalky missiles.

dick_gozinia said...

Dude...I got horrendous two-ended food poisoning from a Mexican Pizza a Taco Bell about 6 years ago.

Did it stop me from eating at Taco Bell?

Hell no...that stuff is delicious.

You need to man up, Drew.

But I do have to agree with you about Pizzeria Uno. Even though I've never received food poisoning from them, I've also never received anything resembling good pizza either.

/continues Chicago pizza snobbery.

Rally Monkey Spanker said...

I agree on Pizzeria Uno. Fucking disgusting.

/gave up chalky ass missles for Lent

quiet strength said...

I agree that Uno fucking sucks stray cat ass. It's overpriced and blows - and this is coming from someone who loves Chicago style deep dish pizza. Strangely, I've always preferred pizza I've had in East Chicago to Chicago...

/ponders life

NeverNude said...

Growing up a poor black boy in rural VT, Unos was the "exotic" food we got. It will always have a place in my heart... other than clogging one of my chambers

DeCAF! said...


Tell us about the first time you ate shit.

Dale said...

When I was like 15, I got fucking food poisoned by Burger King Chicken Tenders, which I think have since been discontinued. I was at a party when I started to get sick...

Long story short, I was found in the basement shivering under a desk on the concrete floor hours later. I vomited so hard and so often that eventually I got past the dry heaves and into the stomach-inversion heaves that leak the kind of bile your body never planned on ejecting. I passed out on a couch, where my head proved a fantastic bed for the host's long-haired fucking cat. I'm allergic to cats. I nearly died. The King can offer all the whoppers-pulled-out-of-his-ass he wants to me, but he's still getting a square punt in the balls if I ever meet him.

Awkward Boner said...

and now you poop on your towels. you've come a long way baby

Richard said...

A couple years ago, I was living with my girlfriend and we went to bed. I tossed and turned all night, never falling asleep. Something I ate was disagreeing with me. Finally, at around 3:30 am, she said, "I have to work tomorrow...can you move to the couch?" At that point I bolted up, ran to the bathroom, and had diahrrea and vomited at the same time (thank god the toilet and sink were next to each other.) She ran behind me, worried about the cat which slept in the bathroom.

She and I don't date anymore.

MicroscopicElvis said...

I used to work in a microbiology lab where we worked with Salmonella all the time. Suffice to say, taking a pen cap off with your mouth in that lab is a bad idea. Such that you collapse on the quad and vomit during passing time on non-consecutive occasions and then spend 72 hours praying for grim death.

JohnDewar said...

This Family Guy episode was all I could think of when I read this post:

Spud Randall said...

Food poisoning is by far the greatest excuse ever. "Oh, you were too sick to ______, but now you're fine?" "Yeah I had food poisoning, bad bleu cheese on some wings I think, you don't want to hear about" end of discussion.

/goes to hooters

devang said...

The only reason I go to the Uno's near me is that they brew their own beer (the whole lineup is fantastic) and they have peanuts.

Hank Wackman said...

Can I just jack this thread for a minute. I'd love some KSK commentary on Bill Simmons deciding who should be on "Mount Rapmore"

I'm a Simmons/Boston apologist but this is baaaaaad. Not to mention just utterly embarrassing.

Big Daddy Drew said...

What odd about that Hank is that someone ASKED him to do it. Why would someone turn to Simmons for hip hop expertise? I'm 6 shades whiter for reading that.

Otto Man said...

I'd love some KSK commentary on Bill Simmons deciding who should be on "Mount Rapmore"

I refuse to read that douche. If you want me to pay attention to the old and insane, you'll have to follow the judge's example and make it part of my community service.

But I'm guessing he went with Vanilla Ice, Snow, Poochie and Will Smith.

dick_gozinia said...

I keep mentally going back to the South Park episode where Kenny's dad has explosive diarrhea and projectile vomiting at the same time.

Bad times.

smurphette said...

I had salmonella when I was 14 from eating raw cookie dough (thanks for nothing, pillsbury). But the fun didn't stop there. I was allergic to the first two antibiotics the hospital tried on me, so in addition to never leaving the toilet, I also had hives covering my entire body for much of the week I was sick. I definitely understand that whole "kicking you when you're down" thing.

John S. said...

I eat my meat raw.

Seriously, the taste of cooked meat makes me gag.

Once I got sick. It was really bad. Bad enough to make me think I had AIDS.

Well, I didn't. However, I still eat steak.

Having said that, bleu cheese is not something that life can not continue without. I mean, when it comes down to it, it is French moldy cheese. Yeah, it goes with wings as if the two were made for each other in some heavenly plan spanning the centuries. But, in the end, it is not that big a deal.

Acordingly, while I call "fag" on your reasoning, I am sure that if it was something worth eating in the first place, you might have a different stance.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Get a little drunk, next thing you know you're eating room-temperature peel and eat shrimp.

The pepto you took is just like pink coated primer for the hell that has been unleashed.

You know that mini bathroom trashcan isn't going to hold up, when it's coming out both ends.

/I heard a rumor they sell little white missles behind the bar of pizzaria uno, maj?

Rally Monkey Spanker said...

They asked a Bahston sports guy to name the top rappers?

What's next? Ask the KKK Grand Wizard for his NBA All-Star team?

Walton, Bird, McHale, Kupchak, West.......

Bobby Steels said...

Man, reading this in a B2B class is not a good idea.

I think I blew out my sinuses trying to suppress laughter.

lieutenant winslow said...

Have you ever been truly sick and miserable, and so tired you’re practically near whimpering, only to be kicked while you‘re down?

why yes...

yes i have.


Booder said...

Always a classic:
The Steakhouse Incident

I had that Both Ends Explosion thing going on the evening after having grilled beef tenderloin at a party, only there was no trashcan within reach of the toilet. I ended up lying on the floor with alternating shivers and sweats, next to a giant meat-chunk-studded puddle of spew.

Spatula said...

Watching Penn State and Texas play in some bowl when I was about 12 and puking Squirt and Fritos so hard they were coming out my nose. No shit, Fritos out of my nose. Couldn't even stand to smell the things for 20 years.

J.L. White said...

I've never got food poisoning myself Drew, but after an experience like you described, I'd seriously consider going Unabomber on that pizza place's ass. I'm a peaceful man, mind you, but there are some sins that shouldn't go unpunished.

BEHM777 said...


The Steakhouse Incident IS a classic. I just about shat myself while reading it.

Ken Dynamo said...

oh sick, BARF!

St Alphonsos Pancake Breakfast said...

Brett Favre poisoned me last year. True story.
I am a lifelong Vikings fan and finally made the trip to Lambeau to see my boys play the Packers. Yes, that was the game we got ass rammed 35-0. Prior to the game we went to a tailgate party at Brett Favres Steakhouse, right outside of Lambeau. I was wearing my throwback Alan Page jersey which indicates I may have been set up. Anyway before the game we had beers and brats (the worse brats of my entire fucking life by the way) and the secret weapon - Brett's Special Jambalaya.
At half time I get the stomach rumbles and proceed with the ass cheek clinching, after the game I spray painted about 4 toilets at Lambeau. Fortunately the spraying was strictly the back door variety. Over the next 3 days I decorated about 25% of all the toilets in the greater Green Bay area, including every toilet at the Oneida Indian Casino.

Fuck you in the peehole Brett Favre. Fuck you very much

Jackin'4Beats said...

I heah Pats fans love da cawk.

Discuss among yourselves.

DeCAF! said...


Us Vikings fans think it's cool that you are a fan but aren't from Minnesota. Really. Seriously.