Friday, February 8, 2008

It's All Thanks to Tiki!

I made pinstripes what they are today...
and you wouldn't believe what I did for the color orange.


I remember thinking that the best things about New York's Super Bowl run was the fact that Tiki Barber had absolutely nothing to do with the team's ultimate success. Knowing that his team excelled once he fled the Meadowlands for Rockefeller Plaza probably left gregarious insufferably douchey commentator with a touch of melancholy (and hopefully some infinite sadness).

So Tiki, how do you feel now that your team has achieved in your absence what they never could with you present?



"I feel great joy for them because I know in a lot of ways I helped a lot of guys on that team,” Barber said. “I know Brandon was someone who benefited from me being there; even criticizing someone is a way of getting them to think about themselves."


But that's not all!


Thanks to our unprecedented access to the world's foremost taint sniffing omelet flippers we were able to learn a lot more about Tiki's history of boosting greatness...


-I'm not saying I was at Normandy beach, but those guys know I was there in spirit.

-I had lunch with Obama once, and I think that really opened his eyes to what hope and change can achieve.

-Lisa Gherardini was Da Vinci's subject, but I was his muse.

-I taught Alicia Keys everything she knows about proper moisturizing.

-Al Gore invented the internet, but I invented Al Gore.

-Women didn't swoon over Matty Lauer until I took him to a proper tailor.

-You know all of those good plays Ronde made this year? Well that was me.

-I taught Gilbert Arenas the proper shaving technique.

-In the summertime, my vaguely unsettling easygoing personality repels mosquitoes.

-I'm glad Tiger listened when I told him he had a shot to win at Dubai.

-Few people know that the Treaty of Versailles had a ghostwriter.

-I approached Alexander Parkes at his graduation party and uttered one word, "plastics."

-I told that guy that shooting up the Super Bowl would be an error in judgement.

-I showed Saddam where to hide the WMDs.

-Woody was just some Catskills hack until I handed him my philosophy textbook.

-Women wearing ties? Not before I got in Diane Keaton's ear.

-The ratings for the Super Bowl were so good because I personally turned on every TV in America.


-One time I was hangin' with Gandhi and I was like, "dude, you need to lose some weight."

Thanks, Tiki!

via Awful Announcing

62 comments:

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Reggie Nelson looks at Tiki Barber.

Tiki Barber looks at Reggie Nelson.

[head explodes]

Biggus Rickus said...

Procreation was a lot less fun before I showed Grog penis in vagina sex.

Upstate Underdog said...

Einstein came up with the equation E=mc but I added the "square".

J.L. White said...

Bill Belichick was just another coach with a losing record in Cleveland until I taught him how to tape other team's practices.

quiet strength said...

It was I who told Bill Simmons how much America would love to know his thoughts on his favorite teams.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Kurt Cobain was auditioning to be in one of those clean-cut 90s boy bands before I suggested that he try a "grungier" look.

SlideShow Bob said...

this has Bambi written all over it.

SDW said...

I was the one that got Rivers to change from mild annoyance to Total Fucking Douche. You're welcome.

Word verification: coedufho
Co-ed UF-Ho? Where do I sign?

the great bambi said...

no, christmas ape will just erase them all, plus tiki will just take credit them anyway

Sexual Tyrannosaurus said...

Kurt Warner was just an average stockboy before I taught him how to stack soup cans.

Otto Man said...

"So I said, 'Hey Hef, why don't you use pictures of women with their clothes off?'"

J.L. White said...

@futuremrs:

So it was YOU that encouraged Kurt to get into grunge? Frankly, I think you should be tried for Involuntary Manslaughter due to his resulting suicide.

/watches waaaaay too much Law & Order

Oh yeah, and if it wasn't for me, Dick Wolf wouldn't have included the "duh duh" sound that plays every three minutes on the show.

Christmas Ape said...

Bambi went from sour to bitter until Tiki's watch

/not the one who erased your comments

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Oh yeah? Well, if it wasn't for me, the show would just have been called "Law."

blackheartededitor said...

"You used to have to slice bread yourself. I changed all that."

Miyamoto's Chin said...

George Lucas was going to write a Broadway play, but I steered him towards science fiction.

When Shakespeare first started writing, I pushed him to take an "edgier" approach.

I'll have you know that I was the first person to mention to Christmas Ape that Phillip Rivers is a douche.

the great bambi said...

awww, i no sowuh oh bittah, i stirr rove shite, I give it shree smirre evely day

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Bambi was a relatively unknown poster until I suggested that he start commenting more frequently.

Yay I like this thread better than the previous one.

-- homer

Otto Man said...

I invented the question mark.

the great bambi said...

hines ward never smiled before tiki snuck up on him and tickled him during a preseason scrimmage

Biggus Rickus said...

Me and George Washington Carver were having drinks and suede when I said to him, "Man, what about the peanut?"

Biggus Rickus said...

at Suede

/fucking up joke

stealofthedraft said...

I taught Brett Favre how to have fun out there.

J.L. White said...

Before I came around, Patriot fans were gracious in defeat.

Otto Man said...

[Whispers would like to add that he does not believe that Tiki Barber really said all these things.]

quiet strength said...

I took Patriots fans from just being regular old bandwagon racists and helped them reach a new plateau of douchiness.

Shan said...

Japan would have won if I had never suggested a project in Manhattan

devang said...

Tiki encouraged Tom Coughlin to help Tiki stop fumbling and become a better running back.

Biggus Rickus said...

A lot of people in Boston were just your average working class types until I pulled Mayor Menino aside during the St. Patty's Day Parade and suggested he add a little vinegar to the water supply.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

"Guys, we've all seen dick and fart jokes. Now I'm just putting it out there... Bukakke"

the great bambi said...

John Lennon wanted to say, "I am the carpenter," but I pointed out that Jesus was a carpenter and Lennon was bigger than Jesus. "I am the walrus, goo goo ga choo bitches"

Pemulis said...

"Despite what Romi and Michelle would have you believe, I invented Post-Its"

Pemulis said...

*Romy.


God, I can't even be super gay correctly.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

"I invented the color red. I invented ALL the primary colors. They steal my ideas".

///r.i.p, Phil.

KrilDog said...

I told Axl Rose to take all the time in the worlds he needs to finish Chinese Democracy. I also told him that replacing Slash, Duff, Izzy and Matt Sorum instead of making up and playing nice would be better for his creativity.

BaCsonkaDonk said...

Before I started working with him, Romo wasn't even in the top ten in the NFC in smiles.

hi there mary said...

I scribbled a little idea for a book on a napkin, slid it across the bar to the lady who complained of writers block. Perhaps you've heard of this Harry Potter?

Nazz Nomad said...

I put the bomp
In the bomp bah bomp bah bomp.
I put the ram
In the rama lama ding dong.
I put the bop
In the bop shoo bop shoo bop

and...

I put the dip
In the dip da dip da dip.

smurphette said...

Michael Vick was an honor roll nerd until I introduced him to weed.

Biggus Rickus said...

I was the first one to give Rodney no respect.

the great bambi said...

time for another racism post, simmons just said:


Moss sprinting down the sidelines flanked by two d-backs, and then, Brady launching the ball 70 yards down field as every Giants fan in the building stopped breathing. The pass was right on target and Moss would have caught the football had he jumped for it ... which he didn't. I will always believe that. And by the way, it's taking all the will power in my sick body to refrain from a "If it were Week 6 and we were winning by 28, Moss would have caught the football" joke.


of course welkaaaaah woulda caught it...damn daaaakies

J.L. White said...

I convinced Tony Romo that dating Carrie Underwood and Jessica Simpson was the best way to calm his nerves during playoff games.

Biggus Rickus said...

You know that song, "The KKK Took My Baby Away?" I was the baby.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

Tiki to OJ Simpson: "I'm telling you, Juice, she's screwing around on you. And if I were in your Bruno Maglis, I wouldn't stand for it."

Phony Gwynn said...

I thought that cat named Adolf was a good painter, but our teacher disagreed.

the great bambi said...

Tiki helped me realize that all of you are shallow and pedantic

Jim U. said...

It was I that told Jenna Jameson that she could make money taking her clothes off in front of a camera.

Narts said...

I am my own twin. So anything Ronde does better than me, I am actually doing better than myself

Rich said...

I told Bhutto to duck and look what happened to her.

J.L. White said...

Tony Parker was just a black French man making millions of dollars playing basketball, until I convinced him to give up the tonnage of poon he was reeling in and marry an overbearing, unattractive harpy.

Dr.VanNostren said...

That Dick Cheney, I taught him how to shoot.

word verification: qcefo
new position created for me @ work once they find out I spend all day reading KSK???

SlideShow Bob said...

I told Rex Grossman to loosen up a little and have a little fun.

Archimedes said...

Im the smoke monster on LOST

larry b said...

That shit with the 1980 US Olympic hockey team? Let's just say I had a little meeting with the Russians before the game, and let them know it was in their best interest to not win.

SonOfSpam said...

God was going to make attractive women in Ohio on the 7th day, but I said, "Rest, big guy. You had a busy week."

Zamboni said...

I told Joe Namath he should try to pick up Suzy Kolber on live tv.

BaCsonkaDonk said...

Today's Simmons mailbag contains the following atrocity:

"Of course, I have no pity for the Patriots, but I DO feel for their great fans..."

I call bullshit. Either this letter is fabricated or the writer is a Klansman.

Its said...
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Its said...
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Its said...

I personally believe that Tiki Barber (and his clone ronde) were single handedly responsible for the Giants winning #42 aka "The Boston Massacre".

I would also like to take this time to point out some little known facts about Tiki.

Tiki Barber came up with the idea to play Russian Roulette with Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun.

Tiki Barber told a young redheaded boy to take karate lesssons to defend himself against bullies. That redhead was Chuck Norris.

Tiki Barber practiced one day in a mini camp with the Miami Dolphins before the 72 season

Trey J. Diggity said...

I was the one that mentioned to Peter King that America might enjoy a piece about Brett Favre.

Greg Schuler said...

So it was probably Tom Coughlin that decided it was better to land the battalion landing teams directly in front of the German pillboxes on Omaha. And that the Americans didn't need none of those British Funny tanks. And that it was okay to launch the DD tanks so far out to sea that there was a good chance most of them would sink.

But Tiki probably told the lead coxswain to let the landing craft drift a little at Utah.

Yes, I said coxswain.

And then Tiki suggested the troops take the German emplacements on Omaha from the rear rather than by frontal assault.

Yes, I wrote it - from the rear.