It's All Thanks to Tiki!

I made pinstripes what they are today...
and you wouldn't believe what I did for the color orange.

I remember thinking that the best things about New York's Super Bowl run was the fact that Tiki Barber had absolutely nothing to do with the team's ultimate success. Knowing that his team excelled once he fled the Meadowlands for Rockefeller Plaza probably left gregarious insufferably douchey commentator with a touch of melancholy (and hopefully some infinite sadness).

So Tiki, how do you feel now that your team has achieved in your absence what they never could with you present?

"I feel great joy for them because I know in a lot of ways I helped a lot of guys on that team,” Barber said. “I know Brandon was someone who benefited from me being there; even criticizing someone is a way of getting them to think about themselves."

But that's not all!

Thanks to our unprecedented access to the world's foremost taint sniffing omelet flippers we were able to learn a lot more about Tiki's history of boosting greatness...


-I'm not saying I was at Normandy beach, but those guys know I was there in spirit.

-I had lunch with Obama once, and I think that really opened his eyes to what hope and change can achieve.

-Lisa Gherardini was Da Vinci's subject, but I was his muse.

-I taught Alicia Keys everything she knows about proper moisturizing.

-Al Gore invented the internet, but I invented Al Gore.

-Women didn't swoon over Matty Lauer until I took him to a proper tailor.

-You know all of those good plays Ronde made this year? Well that was me.

-I taught Gilbert Arenas the proper shaving technique.

-In the summertime, my vaguely unsettling easygoing personality repels mosquitoes.

-I'm glad Tiger listened when I told him he had a shot to win at Dubai.

-Few people know that the Treaty of Versailles had a ghostwriter.

-I approached Alexander Parkes at his graduation party and uttered one word, "plastics."

-I told that guy that shooting up the Super Bowl would be an error in judgement.

-I showed Saddam where to hide the WMDs.

-Woody was just some Catskills hack until I handed him my philosophy textbook.

-Women wearing ties? Not before I got in Diane Keaton's ear.

-The ratings for the Super Bowl were so good because I personally turned on every TV in America.

-One time I was hangin' with Gandhi and I was like, "dude, you need to lose some weight."

Thanks, Tiki!

via Awful Announcing

Patriots Fans Feel Robbed, Want Black Man To Blame

Christmas Ape linked to this petition earlier in the day, from Patriot fans calling on Roger Goodell to investigate the outcome of the Super Bowl. Yes, because no Boston team can ever lose without it being a cosmic injustice of notable historic significance, this petition has garnered well over 1,000 signatures from Boston-bred douchebags the world over. Let’s have a sample, shall we?

38. Dave Rosenthal I can't believe this isn't a big story. I mean, we should be 19-0, but the NFL hates that Pats, so instead we have to go through this the rest of our lives knowing we got gypped.

91. Bradley Whitaker The referees seemed as though they wanted the Patriots to finally lose.

119. Brandon Lathrop Proven That the game was over after eli was tackled, should have been a patriots win, this was a all set up by the nfl as a conspiracy.

109. Andrew Paterson It is obvious that, whether by accident or intent, the clock was kept in the last 1:40 illegally and in such a way that it cost the New England Patriots a fair chance to win the Super Bowl. This is not bitterness talking, I actually believe the outcome would or could have been different. Please, at the very least an acknowledgement or apolgy, if not your ordering of a replay of the game from that point on, even though I realize how much that is to ask.

105. alex ketabi this must be investigated. this completely proves that the patriots should be super bowl champions

312. Meaghan O'Toole give the patriots their rightful win

968. Daniel Duggan I was orinally signer 47. I have since found my dignity and self respect. I formally withdraw signature 47. Oh and this one too.Please don't count me twice. Don't count me once either. Don't count me at all please. Though we did get ripped off 1:40. That kinda sucked. You know? I mean with that extra time and all, we could have won it. In fact we deserved to win. GOD DAMN. WE WERE CHEATED. We WERE EFFEN CHEATED! THIS SUCKS. THIS REALLY, REALLY, REALLY SUCKS. We should be 19-0 and on top of the world. Man, I hope this petition gets to Mr. Goodell. He can make it right. PLEEEEEASE make this right Roger. Please, Please,Please, Undefeated that's what we should be. Undefeated.

1144. Shamus Hughes Not only was the game clock illegal, there were questionable calls during the pass in which Eli Manning threw that pass downfield, there were 2 holding calls, including a severe one on Adalius Thomas. The fact that the NFL is trying to make the Mannings the faces of the NFL has to stop and they have to realize that its time to start calling fair games, even if the Patriots are playing

194. Erik Frenz I don't know much about the rules of the NFL but as a Patriots fan if this is true I feel cheated. If this is true there should seriously be a replay of the last 1:40 of the Super Bowl. I didn't bet on it myself, but a lot of people lost or gained a lot of money on this game and the real outcome deserves to be known.

193. John Vairo I would like to call out all the hypocritical Giants' fans here. If you think you're so amazing, then why are you so afraid to possibly play another game? According to you, the Super Bowl is more important than any other game. So if you were so "dominant" in this "fixed" game, why are you so afraid to replay 2 minutes of a game or even a whole additional game? You talk so high and mighty like you're the greatest team ever, but then hide in the corner, content with the excuse of "Well, we won. It doesn't matter if it was fixed or not." I strongly encourage the commissioner of the NFL to investigate this matter, because to not, would destroy the integrity of the game, and will make me stop watching the NFL from now on, because it is clearly fixed.

Stunning, isn't it? You wouldn't think that one group of people could reach suchs high levels of both arrogance and insecurity simultaneously. It's the sort of thing anthropologists will study years from now, asking themselves, "How was such douchebaggery enabled in a civilized society?" Alas, I do not know the answer. I wish I did. I really, really do. So we at KSK felt naturally obligated to sign the petition as well. Here were our sentiments.

1116. Obill Bin Cheetin All my internet warriors. Stay in cave. We weather storm together. Camel lick raw butt. We be better in no time.

1186. Tommy This is fackin' bull shit! That dahhhkie Mike Carey rawbbed our man Welkahhhhh of the MVP! AS FAAAAAHHHH AS I'M CONCERNED, WE'AH UNBEATEN!!!!

1183. B-Simm It's not fair! This was supposed to be OUR moment! I had a bag of frozen peas waiting for Tom!

1151. supermike4ever I only started rooting for the Patriots once they started winning Super Bowls. Now I don't know what to do.

1163. Matt Walsh I am filming all of you signing this.

We encourage you to sign it as well. Show these Pats fans that you support them. They need you. BECAUSE THEY ARE FUCKING LOSERS WHO CANNOT GET OVER ANY SLIGHT THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO THEM, BE IT REAL OR IMAGINARY. We'll post the best ones here. Please note you can sign it many times over!

UPDATE: Here are some good ones:

1152. Teddy Bruschi's Skull Clot I'll be back and so will the.......*thud*

1160. Randy Moss' girlfriend Please let Randy win the Super Bowl! He's going to kill me!

1177. T Kennedy The Er Eh... Pats were er eh robbed.

1181. Bob Hi there. I'm a Pat's fan. I believe that we were robbed. I also believe that having a cock up my ass is very enjoyable.

1184. Victor Kiam Every time I think that the city of Boston can't sink any lower they go and do this-AND TOTALLY REDDEM THEMSELVES!!

1196. Retard Ed McDouche Not only should the NFL investigate this game, but they should review every game from the last 25 years and award every Super Bowl to the Pats. Tom Brady is the one true Messiah and Coach Bellichik should be elected president. This is all the fault of black people. Now I have to go drink whiskey and beat my wife.

1215. Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer Your world frightens and confuses me, when I see a solar eclipse, like the one I went to last year in Hawaii, I think 'Oh no! Is the moon eating the sun?' I don't know. Because I'm a caveman -- that's the way I think. But there is one thing I do know, the Patriots were robbed of their rightful championship

1294. hines ward prease lepray superbewrr. praxico is tarr leceivel but i win superbewrr without him! i hate praxico! he no make me smerre.

UPDATE: Oh noes! They're brought out the Powerpoint presentations! Non-calls, of course, means cheating by the other team!

What The F--k Do We Call This Play?

You know the story by now: Eli Manning escapes certain doom and finds David Tyree in the middle of the field. Tyree goes up and makes an amazing catch by holding the ball onto his helmet, converting a crucial 3rd-and-long and setting up the game winning score. We at KSK agree, as you certainly do, that this sequence of events is among the greatest plays--if not the greatest play, in Super Bowl history.

What we can't agree on is what to call it, how to refer to it. This play needs a instant-recall nickname that signals the DVR player in my mind to find this play, and reminisce over its kickassedness. "The Catch," obviously, is out. "The Clutch" is getting tossed around, but that doesn't really do it for us. Here's part of the list that we came up with, and we need your help. If nothing else, it will get you warmed up for the upcoming commenter drafts.

Here we go:

The Snag.

The Grab.

Jesus Christ, Let Me Complete This Or My Endorsements Are Ruined.

Boston Flee Party.

Running On Empty.

A Prayer To St. David.

Rodney Harrison's A Little Bitch Who Should Have Batted That Down.

The GIANT Catch (see what I did there?).

David Ty-REEEEACH!

Mama's Boy Runs Home.

Dream Caused by the Flight of a Bee around a Pomegranate a Second Before Awakening.

The Incorporation of St. David, Arizona (yes, it's an actual city).

A Boy Named Elisha.

I Have To Convert Here Because I'm Sure As Hell Never Getting Laid Again Otherwise.

Blue Moon Rising.

Run, Eli, Run.

Plaxico Saw This Whole Thing Coming.

KSK Solves Your Writing Strike Woes With A Bunch Of F—king Horrible Movie Ideas

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

KSK Kollaborative Kaption Kontest

KSK Reader Raphael was good enough to send us this Hi-Def screen grab of Peyton Manning on the bench in the midst of the Colts' loss to San Diego on Sunday. Yes, we're still talking about the Sunday night game, especially since last night's game was like watching painted grass drying, while growing. Anyway, we've decided to open this up to the floor. The ground rules:

1) No references to AIDS, the jungle, or sub-Saharan Africa, and
2) Just kidding, there are no ground rules.

We'll kick it off, then you can slice like a fucking hammer in the comments.

"Hey, Jim. Jimmy. Jimmy! Do I have anything in my teeth?"

Second Annual KSK Halloween Kostume Bukkake

Someone asked me the other day if Halloween was an actual holiday and I told them to go punch the clown. Well, I didn't actually say that. The conversation actually went more like this:

He: (walks into my office without knocking, like an asshole) Hey [Punter],

Me: (actually trying to get some work done) Yeah? What's up?

He: Settle this arguement Punjab and I were having. Punjab says Halloween is not an actual holiday and I say it is. What do you--

Me: Go punch the clown, Chad. Shithead.

He: No, seriously, it's gotta be a real--

Me: Did we get the day off?

He: Uh...Well, no, but--

Me: Is this a day where it is socially permissible to consume alcohol as soon as I wake up?

He: (frustrated) No, but...

Me: But what, Chad?

He: ...But we have the costume contest in the break room after lunch.

Me: Why don't you and Punjab just skip the contest and consummate your relationship in the broom closet and maybe he'll buy you that new iPhone you wanted.

He: (leaves)

Yeah, so unless you're under 15 or someone close to you is sacrificing their abode for a midweek opportunity to get smashed, this day really has very little to offer you. I'll be doing well to catch a peek of a slutty pirate making their way down Main Street. Henceforth, we present the Second Annual KSK Halloween Kostume Bukkake, where we pick the outfits that we'd have our (least) favorite NFL personalities wearing on All Hallow's Eve. We'll get you started--yes, we listed a couple guys twice--and we look forward to your contributions in the comments:

Chris Cooley (pictured)- Slutty Nurse

Norv Turner - Edward James Olmos

Joe Gibbs - Marty Schottenheimer

San Diego Chargers - New Orleans Saints

Orlando Pace - 1950 Ford Edsel

Reggie Wayne - Detective Ricardo Tubbs

Jeff Garcia - Templeton from Charlotte's Web

Eli Manning - Peyton Manning

Archie Manning - Peyton Manning

Peyton Manning - Olivia Manning

Jeremy Shockey - Amy Winehouse

Chad Pennington - Reed Richards

Jim Sorgi - Matt Ufford

Bill Belichick - Allen Funt

Daniel Snyder - Frodo Baggins

Mike Holmgren - William Howard Taft

Quincy Carter - Eddie Murphy's character from 48 Hours

T. J. Houshmanzadeh - Eddie Murphy's character in Coming To America

Jeff Garcia - Eddie Murphy offering rides home for the "girls"

Ben Roethlisberger - Placido Polanco

Mike Ditka - Joseph Stalin

Brady Quinn - Sarah Jessica Parker

Julius Jones - Thing 2

Mike Vrabel - Jake Gyllenhaal

Jeff George - Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite

Matt Leinart - Glenn Quagmire

Larry Fitzgerald - Matt Leinart

Roger Goodell - Richard M. Nixon

Gene Upshaw - Kunta Kinte

Jon Kitna - Larry The Cable Guy

Herm Edwards - Worf

Tom Coughlin - Tom Coughlin

Kellen Clements - Baby Jesus

Purple Jesus - A grape-flavored deity of his choice

Peter King - Deanna Favre

Chad Johnson -- Keyshawn Johnson

Vinny Testeverde - A styrofoam cup in a landfill

We Tried...

Your cheerleader is whats-her-face from some team. She has no face, or a head, even, but all the essential parts are there.

Before we close out the week, it's only fair to show you a behind-the-scenes glimpse of this humble blog's inner dealings.

A couple nights ago, our blog's fantasy football contest winner and resident shiksa Sarah Schorno sent us this humble and (seemingly) simple request:

Hey guys,

I've been offered a sports column for [redacted] and I need to come up with a name for it. It has to be provocative and slightly naughty yet still sports related. My editor wants to call it Sarah Schorno's Got Balls (which is awful).

A little about the column: it'll be a mix of profiles and commentaries on different sports, sports figures and issues. The commentaries will be similar to my Huffington Post pieces but much less buttoned up and more provocative.

I figured that you guys would have some insight and amidst the ridiculous suggestions you're all about to send me I might get something I can use.

- Sarah

Needless to say; this was a wonderful idea on her part. I mean, we're creative! Flubby even quipped, "If only there was a ribald word that rhymed with 'Schorno...'" Unfortunately, as the list below would indicate, that was as clever as the naming session would get, as we proceed to make the people that tried to name their kid "4real" look like a couple of Rhodes scholars.

You know, sometimes we hit gold when we throw something up here. Sometimes we don't. But keep in mind for every crappy Packers preview that you (can't) read in this space, there are scores of passages, fake interviews, and gimmickry that even we couldn't stomach seeing here.

Anyway, the list of suggested column names. Enjoy your weekend and the games.

Thanks For the Mammaries

Teacher Takes A Two-Pronged Dildo Up Her Oily Ass

Grass on the Field

The Poon Cut Crew

Sarah Schorno's Got Balls On Her Chin

Schornography (okay, I was impressed with this one)

Former Dorm Ho with Sarah Schorno

A is for Athletics...and My Cup Size

Will Fondle Jews For Sports Insight

Dirty Freddy Sanchez

Sarah's Position

Sports on Sarah

In The Tunnel With Sarah

Remember the Fallopians

We Are...Menstral !

Huffing On Post

Pole Position

Winning Streaker

The Penetrator

I Don't Mind Anal As Long As It Follows A Nice Meal

Monday Morning Cum Dumpster (Boo)

Medial Collateral Labbia

Head To Head with Sarah

Bumping Uglies with Sarah

Let Me Talk About Sports As I Hunt For My Child's Legitimate Father

Establishing the Pass with Sarah

Hoggin' Balls In Jersey

I Am Dickless But Still Kinda Know Stuff

Fluffin' Sports Weekly

The Last Girl Scout

Camel Turf Toe

I Wear Makeup Because Daddy Hates Me

Grand Theft Schorno

The Fifth Period, Which Is About Ten Days Late

The Slumpbuster

A Mouthful Of Comeuppance

Always Be Covering Up When The Lights Are On

Leading Off At Centerfold

Life's a Bitch and So Am I

Sarah Plain and LOL

The Top 500 Things You Don't Want to Hear About Me That I'm Going to Tell You Anyway

Why did I decide to make this list? Why would I rank the 500 best things things you don't want to hear from me that I'm going to tell you anyway? Well, you probably don't care, but I'm going to tell you anyway.

You see, I woke up in the middle of the night wondering, "What do people want to know less about me? The details of my bowel movements, or the sexual positions I use to help my wife conceive?" Ever since that happened, I've been unable to think about anything else. So I told coaches and GM's around the league the list wanted to make, and they all thought it was stupid and senseless. So did my editors. And my friends. In fact, it was readily apparent that this would negatively affect both my professional credibility and my relationships with professional contacts. That's when I knew I had to do it.

What were my criteria? Did I take a scientific approach and use stats to make my case? Did I base it on each topic's past accomplishments, or its potential for the future? Did I poll other people and use their votes? Kind of! In fact, I took every step to make it as arbitrary as possible, because that way everyone enters into hopelessly boring and pointless conversations about it.

Without further ado, here are the 500 best things you don't want to hear from me that I'm going to tell you anyway.

1. Last week I let my wife defecate on my chest. It was a pretty intimate moment.
2. I'll occasionally get coffee from other cafes besides Starbucks, but familiar name brands make me feel safer.
3. I like the Red Sox!
4. During air travel, I break wind as our plane taxis onto the runway. Instant conversation starter.
5. On Monday night I took in a Madonna concert. She may be a controversial performer, but she's definitely still got it.
6. Tony Romo's cock is beautifully curved. Really, it has the size and shape of a jumbo summer sausage.
7. I have this old Underwood typewriter that I keep in the attic. It types in cursive, and the lowercase Q looks enough like a weathered clitoris to give me an erection.
8. Andy Rooney is the sharpest journalist in the country, hands-down.
9. The worst thing about maintaining a healthy diet so I can be less obese? No more deep-fried butter sticks. Heavenly when dipped in mayonnaise.
10. Finally got around to watching Beverly Hills Cop. I can't say I liked that Axel Foley's attitude one bit.

11. I had a layover in Omaha on my way out to the Raiders' training camp. That was where I saw a teenage boy, maybe 14 or 15, wearing an earring! Can you believe it? Where were his parents?
12. Middle-school girls' softball games can get awfully competitive.
13. I love being a part of the Sunday Night Football crew, but I wish I could get a suit with an elastic waistband.
14. Dippin' Dots, the ice cream of the future? You better believe it.
15. If you ask me, Lady is the tramp.
16. Kids these days!
17. I didn't want to ever have to say this, but I think President Bush could have done a better job with the war in Iraq.
18. Sometimes when I'm bored, I like to slap my scrotum repeatedly with a wooden salad spoon. One time, it sounded just like the drum solo from Wipe Out. I wish had that on my iPod.
19. Everyone knows saliva makes a passable personal lubricant, but it's more effective if you can get some nasal mucus in there.
20. Have you heard about HBO's show "Real Sex"? It's wild!

21. Keep an eye on NBC's documentary series "The Office." Michael Scott's managerial skills tell me he's going places.
22. Did you know that the Newark Star-Ledger has baseball box scores from West Coast games in its late morning edition? Let's see the Internet do that.
23. At a recent Josh Groban concert, I saw someone smoking what I believe was a marihuana cigarette. I sent a letter to the Department of Homeland Security. They'll know what to do.
24. My pick for key fantasy star this week? LaDainian Tomlinson.
25. If I had to choose between eating a pound of your standard brown defecation or a teaspoon of that weird green stuff I get the morning after Indian food and six Sam Adams Winter Ales, I'd have a tough decision on my hands.
26. I think this might really be Brett Favre's last year, but you never know. When I talked to him last week, I could see in his soft brown eyes that he just loves playing the game of football.
27. It's never too early in life to check yourself for testicular cancer.
28. If Barry Bonds actually took steroids, I don't think his record should count.
29. Who's got the best condiment bar in the league? I'll take Heinz Field every time.
30. Am I really the only guy who wishes he could lactate?

31. I wish onions had a juice.
32. I don't understand why they're always putting out new editions of the encyclopedia. My 1986 World Book collection stands the test of time.
33. When it comes to linebackers, the best out there are Brian Urlacher, Paul Posluszny, and Chad Greenway. There's just something about them.
34. Jack Parr could write a joke about zone blocking that would really make you think.
35. I just can't believe how good U2 is. Every album is better than the last.
36. If you ask me, nothing beats a good wipe with Charmin White Ultra Aloe -- the double rolls are a must.
37. I'm not one to speak ill of others, but The Coffee Beanery funds terrorist training camps.
38. Each football season, I make it a personal goal never to defecate during the Giants' bye week.
39. You have to admire the way the Red Sox have bounced back this season. Anyone else get the feeling that Curt Schilling has taught Josh Beckett something about winning?
40. Have you tried this Marshmellow Fluff? It's not only delicious, but for my money, it's a great home remedy for hemorrhoids.

41. The ficus is our greatest potted plant.
42. Sometimes I picture myself on those airline safety pamphlets chasing the other people around the plane with a Swiss Army Knife.
43. Professional wrestling just isn't believable these days.
44. Aggravating Travel Note of the Week: What's with all these lady drivers?
45. Thanks to John Derrick of Butte, Montana. You're right: the reuben at Beth's Roadside Diner totally gets rid of that semen aftertaste.
46. One of Mike Tyson's turds got sold for $31 on eBay. I may never have to work again.
47. Why do snack machines sell things for 85 cents? Who carries that kind of change?
48. New favorite iPod feature: shuffle.
49. Paula Cole, I'd like you to meet Tony Romo.
50. I did an interview with an Internet "weblog" called The Big Lead. That fella sure knows his movies!

(There's the first 50. Let's hear the other 450 in the comments.)

Now THIS Is A Fantasy Draft Board

The KSK Keeper League Draft is this evening. I’ve never been in a keeper league before, so my board is completely fucked. I’d like to draft for the future, but who the fuck wants to wait a whole year for a team to be good? I want to win now, bitch! Now I know how Dan Snyder feels. This building for the future idea is horseshit. I have the 6th pick. But, since Leitch drafts at #2, it’s really like having the 5th pick. C’mon, Steven Jackson!

Anyhoo, while composing my board, I got the idea that we needed a genuine fantasy board, one that had actual fantasies on it. So the KSK Voltron assembled, and these were the fantasies that spurted out. Consider these the innermost fantasies of our collective subconscious. I have ranked them in some particular order. You can probably tell which ones are Ufford’s.


-Everything Steve Martin wishes for in the above video
-Scarlett Johansson naked in a plastic kiddie pool full of baby oil
-Year long NFL season, which subsequently bankrupts all other sports
-Sitting in a comfortable chair with a tub of popcorn as I watch commenters drown
-Three shelves of single malt scotch and bourbon, a crystal rocks glass, and an ice box
-A summer home on Lake Washington in Seattle. A winter home on South Beach
-Sea Gals out of hot water, can they use my shower?
-Tonight’s draft lasts less than four hours
-A license to kill
-The ability to piss pure Yuengling
-Magic Carpet, with complementary harem
-A leather jacket that makes its own milk!
-That dinosaurs would roam the earth once more
-Flatter abs, bigger biceps, wider shoulders, two more inches to my height and length
-The ability to tan
-The ability to shit greenbacks
-Fucking flying, bitches
-An end to baseball bloggers emailing us their stupid shit
-Being hired by Josh Homme to front Queens of the Stone Age
-Tenure at Arizona State
-My own personal M1A1 tank (with full-time crew)
-Teleportation
-A Suburban like Laurence Maroney’s
-Large piranha tank
-Optional vampirism
-Pet dingo
-World class opera singing ability
-A gong to voice my displeasure
-The Royal Shakespeare Company available at my beck and call to act my favorite movie and TV scenes
-Have my seminal fluid taste like grape jelly
-The collective burning of every New Found Glory CD
-A request from the President to design an aggressive euthanasia program. Say goodbye, hobos and retards and fat chicks!
-Operation Ivy League Human Shield in Iraq
-That Man Vs. Wild Was REAL, dammit!
-Bill O'Reilly blinded by a sudden burst of understanding like in The Allegory of the Cave
-A microwave burrito so hot even God couldn't eat it
-Bakula-like ability to Quantum Leap into certain people at certain points in time, including the guy who was in Jenna Jameson’s first sex scene
-Tequila bender with Mel Gibson
-Posts that write themselves
-KSK bought by Rupert Murdoch for $5 billion
-Free reign to paddle Kim Kardashian on the ass with a tennis racket
-Replacements tour
-A magical remote control to turn up the funny on certain Deadspin commenters
-Some really, really good nachos that never congeal, get soggy, or get cold
-Cameo in a Sam Peckinpaugh film
-Pillow fight with Keeley Hazell

Actually, flying belongs at the top. But that would involve some semblance of effort. And if I have one true fantasy, it’s to never have to make any sort of effort whatsoever

Football Season Is A Month Away, But Making Fun Of Peter King Season Is Here To Stay!

Some fun with Peter King on a Monday afternoon. Today, King made the following comment about HBO’s “Hard Knocks” show:

"My one quibble with these shows: They're so fast-paced and move from one drama to the next and one scene to the next, that you don't really
get the feel of what camp is truly like. Very often, camp is boring,
tedious and full of drills you can't watch for very long or you'll go
crazy. If the show is to be the real story of training camp, it must
point out -- not just in flashes but in minutes -- what really happens
at camp, which is often extraordinarily humdrum."

Agreed. I, too, would find the show far more fascinating if it were more boring. Now you now why King's MMQB column is 56,000 words long. We at KSK found King’s logic irresistible. From it, we drew the following conclusions:

-King doesn't understand why the WSOP doesn't show the hands where everybody folds

-King watched Major League last night, and wished they'd show how well Willie Mays Hayes worked the count

-King doesn't understand why he can't watch every single American Idol audition

-He's disappointed Shark Week has so much killing when, in fact, most of the time sharks are just swimming around

-He’s a huge fan of Kevin Costner films

-He will only attend a wedding if it is Greek Orthodox

-He wishes he could read ALL the mail Bill Simmons gets in his mailbag

-King wishes pornography had more foreplay. Women just don't get automatically wet, you know

-King wants to know why his Lawrence of Arabia Director’s Cut DVD skimped on the deleted scenes

-King wishes "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" consisted of one uninterrputed take

-King thinks "To Catch a Predator" doesn't depict chat rooms accurately, should show footage of benign exchanges

-King wishes that the producers of The Office would shift the focus from the employees to the hard facts about paper sales

-King wishes Tony Romo would cuddle more

-When Peter King bought tickets to "28 Days Later" he was was stunned and disappointed to learn he didn't have to wait four weeks to see the movie

-King wishes Yes had produced more B-side compilations

Clearly, this is why King enjoys going to Starbucks so much. Yours in the comments.