Thursday, August 30, 2007

The Top 500 Things You Don't Want to Hear About Me That I'm Going to Tell You Anyway

Why did I decide to make this list? Why would I rank the 500 best things things you don't want to hear from me that I'm going to tell you anyway? Well, you probably don't care, but I'm going to tell you anyway.

You see, I woke up in the middle of the night wondering, "What do people want to know less about me? The details of my bowel movements, or the sexual positions I use to help my wife conceive?" Ever since that happened, I've been unable to think about anything else. So I told coaches and GM's around the league the list wanted to make, and they all thought it was stupid and senseless. So did my editors. And my friends. In fact, it was readily apparent that this would negatively affect both my professional credibility and my relationships with professional contacts. That's when I knew I had to do it.

What were my criteria? Did I take a scientific approach and use stats to make my case? Did I base it on each topic's past accomplishments, or its potential for the future? Did I poll other people and use their votes? Kind of! In fact, I took every step to make it as arbitrary as possible, because that way everyone enters into hopelessly boring and pointless conversations about it.

Without further ado, here are the 500 best things you don't want to hear from me that I'm going to tell you anyway.

1. Last week I let my wife defecate on my chest. It was a pretty intimate moment.
2. I'll occasionally get coffee from other cafes besides Starbucks, but familiar name brands make me feel safer.
3. I like the Red Sox!
4. During air travel, I break wind as our plane taxis onto the runway. Instant conversation starter.
5. On Monday night I took in a Madonna concert. She may be a controversial performer, but she's definitely still got it.
6. Tony Romo's cock is beautifully curved. Really, it has the size and shape of a jumbo summer sausage.
7. I have this old Underwood typewriter that I keep in the attic. It types in cursive, and the lowercase Q looks enough like a weathered clitoris to give me an erection.
8. Andy Rooney is the sharpest journalist in the country, hands-down.
9. The worst thing about maintaining a healthy diet so I can be less obese? No more deep-fried butter sticks. Heavenly when dipped in mayonnaise.
10. Finally got around to watching Beverly Hills Cop. I can't say I liked that Axel Foley's attitude one bit.

11. I had a layover in Omaha on my way out to the Raiders' training camp. That was where I saw a teenage boy, maybe 14 or 15, wearing an earring! Can you believe it? Where were his parents?
12. Middle-school girls' softball games can get awfully competitive.
13. I love being a part of the Sunday Night Football crew, but I wish I could get a suit with an elastic waistband.
14. Dippin' Dots, the ice cream of the future? You better believe it.
15. If you ask me, Lady is the tramp.
16. Kids these days!
17. I didn't want to ever have to say this, but I think President Bush could have done a better job with the war in Iraq.
18. Sometimes when I'm bored, I like to slap my scrotum repeatedly with a wooden salad spoon. One time, it sounded just like the drum solo from Wipe Out. I wish had that on my iPod.
19. Everyone knows saliva makes a passable personal lubricant, but it's more effective if you can get some nasal mucus in there.
20. Have you heard about HBO's show "Real Sex"? It's wild!

21. Keep an eye on NBC's documentary series "The Office." Michael Scott's managerial skills tell me he's going places.
22. Did you know that the Newark Star-Ledger has baseball box scores from West Coast games in its late morning edition? Let's see the Internet do that.
23. At a recent Josh Groban concert, I saw someone smoking what I believe was a marihuana cigarette. I sent a letter to the Department of Homeland Security. They'll know what to do.
24. My pick for key fantasy star this week? LaDainian Tomlinson.
25. If I had to choose between eating a pound of your standard brown defecation or a teaspoon of that weird green stuff I get the morning after Indian food and six Sam Adams Winter Ales, I'd have a tough decision on my hands.
26. I think this might really be Brett Favre's last year, but you never know. When I talked to him last week, I could see in his soft brown eyes that he just loves playing the game of football.
27. It's never too early in life to check yourself for testicular cancer.
28. If Barry Bonds actually took steroids, I don't think his record should count.
29. Who's got the best condiment bar in the league? I'll take Heinz Field every time.
30. Am I really the only guy who wishes he could lactate?

31. I wish onions had a juice.
32. I don't understand why they're always putting out new editions of the encyclopedia. My 1986 World Book collection stands the test of time.
33. When it comes to linebackers, the best out there are Brian Urlacher, Paul Posluszny, and Chad Greenway. There's just something about them.
34. Jack Parr could write a joke about zone blocking that would really make you think.
35. I just can't believe how good U2 is. Every album is better than the last.
36. If you ask me, nothing beats a good wipe with Charmin White Ultra Aloe -- the double rolls are a must.
37. I'm not one to speak ill of others, but The Coffee Beanery funds terrorist training camps.
38. Each football season, I make it a personal goal never to defecate during the Giants' bye week.
39. You have to admire the way the Red Sox have bounced back this season. Anyone else get the feeling that Curt Schilling has taught Josh Beckett something about winning?
40. Have you tried this Marshmellow Fluff? It's not only delicious, but for my money, it's a great home remedy for hemorrhoids.

41. The ficus is our greatest potted plant.
42. Sometimes I picture myself on those airline safety pamphlets chasing the other people around the plane with a Swiss Army Knife.
43. Professional wrestling just isn't believable these days.
44. Aggravating Travel Note of the Week: What's with all these lady drivers?
45. Thanks to John Derrick of Butte, Montana. You're right: the reuben at Beth's Roadside Diner totally gets rid of that semen aftertaste.
46. One of Mike Tyson's turds got sold for $31 on eBay. I may never have to work again.
47. Why do snack machines sell things for 85 cents? Who carries that kind of change?
48. New favorite iPod feature: shuffle.
49. Paula Cole, I'd like you to meet Tony Romo.
50. I did an interview with an Internet "weblog" called The Big Lead. That fella sure knows his movies!

(There's the first 50. Let's hear the other 450 in the comments.)

130 comments:

devang said...

Oh good god CC, this is going to end badly. And by badly I mean awesome!!

michael said...

low blow with the race stuff. he gave a tip o the hat to a guy named D'Qwell in a column last week. THAT is race magnaminity.

Ken Dynamo said...

i farted on the set of blue lagoon.

devang said...

I got so much hair in my asshole, that I can't get the dingleberries our easily. Any solution for that?

Jon said...

If there's a better way to spend four hours than listening to Joey Harrington play piano, I sure haven't found it.

devang said...

And by our I mean out.

Big Daddy Drew said...

I was talking to Bill Polian just the other day....

Chris said...

Bess Marvin - she is one sharp cookie.

Big Daddy Drew said...

I was talking to Ron Wolf just the other day...

Big Daddy Drew said...

I was talking to Peyton Manning just the other day...

Big Daddy Drew said...

I talk to lots of people! And they talk to me!

devang said...

Staying with BDD's theme...

I was just having a Mensa level conversation with Matt Millen the other day.....

Jon said...

Is there any disease that Dr. House can't cure? I wish we could get him working on curing AIDS. He'd have it wrapped up in an hour.

El Duffo O Muerte said...

Am I the only one who doesn't like internet porn where they don't actually show the dick going in the pussy? Have you ever seen a pussy by itself? I dunno. It's not for me.

devang said...

I can't figure out how this VCR works.

Chris said...

So I says to Mabel - Hey Mabel...

peter king crowned my ass said...

Am I the only one that gets prophylactics and moist towelettes confused?

Claude Balls said...

I find it comforting when my wife asks me to pick up a pack of maxipads at the grocery store. It lets everyone know that I am doing it with a woman who still menstruates.

JAMMQ said...

Did you know that Verizon has a feature where they can actually take the contacts from one cell phone and transfer it to another if you decide to get a new one?

This new technology is amazing.

Ken Dynamo said...

For all you other parents out there who have had to take a long tedious road trips with your kids, I have one word for you: Gameboy. It is a minituarized Nintendo!

JAMMQ said...

I thought last night's episode of Hard Knocks was the best installment yet. The way it was able to convey the torment Herm Edwards was feeling while making his decision between Brodie Croyle and Damon Huard by showing Edwards sitting at his desk in silence for what seemed like hours was riveting television. Kudos, HBO!

El Duffo O Muerte said...

Aggravating Travel Note: I was behind a pickup truck with Calvin from that comic strip urinating on a chevy logo. We rush to judgement on someone like Mike Vick for torturing animals, yet thousands of americans drive around with child pornography on their windshields.

Ken Dynamo said...

If you're a terrorist, your next target has to be Canada. Has to be.

JAMMQ said...

I think Roger Goodell is really hoping for a good year on the field this season for the NFL.

naptown drew said...

Why can't they just make the entire plane out of the black box?

JAMMQ said...

I was walking across the street in NYC on my way to work this morning and a taxi beeped at me. Call me crazy, but I think people have become a lot less civil over the years.

(I think that's an actually quote from MMQ).

Grimey said...

When Meatloaf sings "I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)," I think by that, he means buttfucking.

peter king crowned my ass said...

Am I the only one that's ever had an epileptic seizure from watching myself climax in front of a blacklight?

Ken Dynamo said...

I can't believe I used to masterbate to Britney Spears.

Claude Balls said...

At the Bears' practice yesterday, I asked Lance Briggs if he had been drinking before he crashed his Lamborghini. He looked me in the eyes and said, "No."

That's good enough for me.

Wormfather said...

72. When I blow Tom Brady I usually keep it in my mouth until I have a chance to spit it into my wife's vagina.

73. I just swallow Peyton Manning's striaght away.

ASmith said...

You know what's a good show? The Sopranos. That James Gandolfini sure is a rising rocket in the television business.

Grimey said...

When you think about it, would John Belushi be as entertaining today as his brother Jim? I think not.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

84. Have you had a chance to watch "Every which way you can"? For my money, that baboon is the best trained animal in Hollywood.

85. Aggravating travel note: While making the trip down the Turnpike to Philadelphia, I saw some graffiti for something called a "glory hole". Let me be the first to tell you, if you have never tried one of these, run, don't walk. They really ARE glorious!

86. I try to be as open minded as I can, but I think that "OZ" on HBO is pushing things a little far. Come on, HBO - anal sex and cocaine belong in the bedroom, not on the television screen.

Grimey said...

Roger Goodell's next move should be to put Valtrex on the "banned substances" list. That will clean up this league.

denvergodfather said...

I don't have the wit to add anything great but I must say number 19 is so so true.

JAMMQ said...

Peter King on The Sex Cannon:

"I don't know if you guys have noticed this, but to me the best thing about Rex Grossman versus the Grossman I saw in the past couple of years . . .is the touch on his balls. His passes look so pretty, and they are just layed out there perfectly . . . you can tell this is a thousand balls just thrown in the off-season in the dog days when noone is watching . . ."

-Sportsbloggers Live, Best of 2006

Ken Dynamo said...

Aggravating travel note: I was walking around Sverna Park, Maryland the other day and this GUY starting licking my BALLS.

El Duffo O Muerte said...

You know what I downloaded to my iPod the other day? 'Nevermind' by Nirvana. Totally changed my life. That Cobain kid's really going places.

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

I know Michael Vick is a sharp young prospect, but I have a sneaking suspicion that his off the field "antics" could hurt him in the long run.

Ken Dynamo said...

Your daughter's softball game is the absolute worst place to get a NARB.

Franklin said...

When I am alone I waft my farts to my face. They seem to smell better that way

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

Sure, boobs look good on girls, but they look great on sportswriters.

JewDago said...

i'm not sure which i like more -- brady quinn's game or his looks.

Grimey said...

I recently watched the Jean-Claude Van Damme movie Hard Target. I believe if there was one man I would pay money to hunt down and kill, it would have to be Mike Vanderjagt.

Franklin said...

Everytime I watch Braveheart I hope the ending changes and William Wallace lives

Franklin said...

I enjoy the work of Colin Cowherd

WufPirate said...

I eat breakfast on the toilet sometimes.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Why do I look so great in the mirror but so terrible in photographs? What an odd phenomenon.

WI Browns Fan said...

I think these are my non-football thoughts of the week:

a. Eric Gagne! Waaah! Poopy!

b. Shame on professional baseball players and their steroid use. I can't relate to their addictive personalities. In an unrelated story, I drank four gallons of coffee and ate a container of raw Krispy Kreme dough before 9 AM today.

c. Tiki Barber's left testicle is slightly larger than the right one, but you have to get your nose in really close to see it.

d. Did you know that cars come with radios now? No more balancing a phonograph on the dashboard for this scribe!

Crazy Little Thing said...

I think white people smell nice.

Camp Tiger Claw said...

On the first day of each month I eat one pound of foreign currency. It's how I stay grounded.

Wormfather said...

Who I like tonight and I dont mean Tony Kornheiser*.

If there's one thing I've learned in my life it's never bet against a bear, esspeically when you were expecting an 18 year old latino. I'm gonna go with with the Bears winning tonight against the Kings...and I'll take the under.

DC said...

- found this neat little hole in the wall place in philly that sells something they call cheese steak sandwiches. they're really going to be a hit one day.

- is it just me or does everyone love getting rock-hard, teenage boners at work while looking at hardcore interracial pornography on their computer? makes you really appreciate getting out of bed every morning.

- picked up the phone the other day and called jesus. he told me that we haven't seen the last of brett favre. i really think he's coming back this year too.

Crazy Little Thing said...

Aggravating travel note of the week: my seat in first class wouldn't recline all the way, so I was only moderately comfortable. If airlines keep screwing me like this, I might have to start traveling by Peyton Manning's private jet, from which I'll have all new aggravating travel notes to pass along.

Ken Dynamo said...

the number #1 single in america right now is titled "The Way I Are"

Can our public schools possibly do a worse job teaching the English language?

JewDago said...

m night shymalan constantly keeps me breathless. i won't spoil the ending for you, but look out, i'm sure you won't see it coming.

Camp Tiger Claw said...

I think Meredith Baxter-Birney MUCH hotter with one tit.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Have you heard of this new band called "the Donnas?"

...I mean whoa, look out.

My Hero Zero said...

Gout doesn't sound like a big deal, but it is. Also, I should get this growth on my left testicle checked out.

Slash said...

Nothing clever from me, but seriously, the 500 best players? Why not 1000? Or 1500?

Wow, what an exclusive club. I bet the entire NFL is nervously paging through it right now, praying that they've been anointed as one of the 500 best players. And SI ruined the suspense of finding out on our own who #1 is. When I'm reading a list that's 500 entries long, I wanna sit down and savor it right up until the very end because there is nothing more enjoyable than reading lists. Yessirree, lists are awesome.

Grimey said...

Nate Kaeding once gave me a mushroom bruise on my forehead. I honestly have NO idea how this happened.

Camp Tiger Claw said...

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but I still despise Richard Gephardt.

DC said...

that regis philbin really cracks me up.

El Duffo O Muerte said...

Aggravating Travel Note: The other day, as we were taxing down the runway, the US Airways stewardess asked me to put my seat in the upright position and turn off my wireless devices while I was holding a conversation with Bill Polian and shooting an e-mail to Brad Childress. Just plain rude.

Ken Dynamo said...

In the NBC studio, Bob Costas kept trying to get me to read a note that said "Hoof hearted, ice melted".

Still have no clue what that was about.

The Magnificent Eeyore said...

Music Television? Sheesh. MTV hasn't played a music video, that I've seen, for quite some time. What's next? A 24-hour sports network airing a fictional series about poker? If you're going to put what you do in the name of your network, you should probably do what you said you were going to do, because if you've gone and done something different, how will we know what you're going to do versus what you've done?

jeremy said...

Aggravating/enjoyable travel note: So I'm sitting in a bathroom stall at the Minneapolis airport the other day, tapping my foot like I always do, when this obese, hairy man suddenly barges in and blumpkins me until I explode all over his handle bar mustache. What a country!

lukedmartin said...

The other day, I grabbed a cup of coffee at Starbucks on Fourth. I drove two blocks, finished my coffee, and grabbed another one at the Sixth Avenue Beanery. Sucked that one down then crossed the street and ordered another one at Starbucks. Drove three blocks to Ninth and Washington and grabbed another one, along with a small green tea, at Peet's Coffee & Tea. Less than one hour after starting my trek, finished off with a grande house blend at the Starbucks on Fourteenth. I mean, what an AMAZING country we live in. Just another reason I love the good ole' United States.

Steve said...

I saw You, Me, and Dupree as my in-flight movie last week. If I had to forecast the future, I'd tell you that Owen Wilson fellow is really going somewhere.

Otto Man said...

I can't get the clock on our Betamax video machine to stop blinking 12:00. But I've found a way to take those lemons and throw a lemon party! What I do is sit in front of the machine as the watch on my wrist clicks down to 12:00, and when it does, well, HOORAY!

Weed Against Speed said...

My wife is going to host something called a "Mandingo" party. If that's anything like Bunko, I'm relieved she scheduled it when I'm out of town.

Simon said...

Why do I love Football Night in America? Cause it's a Sausage Fest, and I absolutely love Sausage.

Ken Dynamo said...

Mr. Bean is finally back in theatres! Did that dought seem as long to anyone else as Colt Superbowl wins?

Jackin'4Beats said...

I spoke with Dick Vermeil the other day over a bottle of his finest homemade Merlot and looking at the tears in his eyes and hearing the crack of his voice told me he needed a hug. And by hug I mean some good lovin'

tryrugby said...

If I had to bugger one of my daughters, I honestly don't know which one I would choose -- Mary Beth or the one from the "With Leather" post (or are they the same one -- damn it gets confusing outlining the lives of my daughters on a weekly basis...)

Otto Man said...

You know who I find endearing? TV's Blossom.

Damian said...

I ran into Senator Larry Craig in the washroom the other day. Keep an eye on this guy in 2008.

El Duffo O Muerte said...

Thank you Sirius NFL Radio. Your 36 consecutive calls about the NY Giants, followed by a legal expert talking about Michael Vick for 45 minutes really makes my drive through the midwest much more tolerable.

Pemulis said...

Coffeenerdness: If anyone else has had the pleasure of working themselves to cimax while receiving an enema, you know that the act itself is proof of God's existence and love, then you need to try starbucks' caramel machienema. Nothing like the aroma of espresso to set the mood as you watch gallons upon gallons of your feces flow forth through a clear tube as you punish your dong and think about Carson Palmer devouring it like a hot dog... oh god a hot dog..oooh fuck.. oh! OH!.....

Otto Man said...

Hey, did you know that "Peter King" is an anagram for "Print Geek"? I just spent three days figuring that out!

jeremy said...

I met my daughter the other morning for something she called "brunch." Apparently it's a combination of breakfast and lunch. No wonder we're such a fat country--we keep inventing new meals!

You know who has a fine head of hair? Ted Danson.

If I could watch only one NFL quarterback bang my wife, it would be Brett Favre.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

I think movies like "Superbad" portray male youth in a negative light. Really, what 17 year old male has such callous urges towards young ladies? Although I did find the "blood spot on the pants" scene funny. I cant tell you how many times my mother did that to me.

Weed Against Speed said...

I heard that if you have sex with your daughter and she gets pregnant the babies will come out retarded. Is that true?

Pop Startled said...

Hands down, the best containers in the world are made by the paper products division of Starbucks.

El Duffo O Muerte said...

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting out babies.

Awful Chief said...

My favorite wrap for a makeshift diaper? Saran Wrap. I'll take four feet of Saran Wrap over an entire roll of Reynold's.

El Duffo O Muerte said...

I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!

Is it cheating if I just copy Andy Rooney quotes? I personally think it would be cheating America if I didnt.

jeremy said...

Coffeenerdness: Giants great Lawrence Taylor recently introduced me to something he called "Colombian Coffee." Whoa Nellie! I had 4 of them and woke up 3 days later on the side of I-95 with my pants around my ankles and a dead drifter in the trunk of my rental car! Sorry Avis!

Chris said...

That Brady Quinn sure is sharp looking. I wouldn't mind lathering him up in baby oil and letting him defecate in my mouth.

Franklin said...

Lacrosse is full of Panzies

Awful Chief said...

What's better than Viagra for spicing things up in the bedroom? Fatheads.

Franklin said...

Mike Greenberg is the Devil

Weed Against Speed said...

I will tell you one thing: dogs will lick peanut butter OFF ANYTHING!

Franklin said...

Blogging is a cure for a severe Meth addiction

Franklin said...

Whats cooler then cool?.......Russia

fallex said...

Out. Standing.

El Duffo O Muerte said...

Postcard from Camp: Attended the Browns camp last week. I grabbed a plate of extra-saucy chicken wings (A+ by the way) and joined coach Romeo Crennell in the sauna for an interview. As we sat there in but our towels, covered in sweat, with barbecue sauce dripping down our chins and arms, I decided, if he's as poised on the sidelines this year as he was in there that day, the Browns have their coach in place for a long long time.

jeremy said...

10 things I think I think:

I think I’m no fashionista, but when it comes to auto-erotic asphyxiation, nothing beats my Dockers braided leather belt. Just $19.95 at Macy’s!

I think if I came across an angry pack of pipehead Crips gang-raping Eric Gagne, I’d look the other way.

I think that Anna Kournokova is nice to look at, but she may not be much of a tennis player.

I think I regret getting my scrotum pierced with Clinton Portis.

I think I might take up breakdancing. You only live once, Peter!

I think there aren’t many problems that some interracial porn and a gallon of mayonnaise won’t solve.

I think Peyton Manning’s taint smells like Fruit Loops.

I think this Internet fad may be here to stay.

I think if there’s grass on the green, you play golf!

I think there’s a certain 14-year-old in Hudson, Wisc., who will keep her pretty little mouth shut, if she knows what’s good for her.

El Duffo O Muerte said...

I think there’s a certain 14-year-old in Hudson, Wisc., who will keep her pretty little mouth shut, if she knows what’s good for her.

Mark Chmura, is that you?

Pemulis said...

Drew Brees is a wonderful human being who has done a lot of work for New Orleans after hurricane Katrina. He also has a birthmark on his face that provides an excellent target for bukkake parties we frequently attend.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

If you see one movie this year make sure that it's Wild Hogs.

Jon Koncak's Thighs said...

I'm just glad someone had the balls to break the cycle of sports blogger reach-around and finally say that whoever writes The Big Lead is a retard. A huge, huge retard.

Bucktown Skins Fan said...

In 8 days, JET Moynahan has already accomplished more than you will in your entire lifetime.

Jesse said...

-At first I thought that there's no way Randy Moss could have any impact on the best WR corps in over 20 years... Reche Caldwell, Jabar Gaffney, Troy Brown, and Doug Gabriel (I like to call them the Fearsome Foursome). But all it took was one gaze into Brady's ruggedly handsome eyes to convince me that Moss might be good.

-I think it was a good idea that I splurged on that extra insurance for my rental that I used for my training camp road trip. Who knew that getting rid of the smell of burnt, dried coffee; pork rinds; Vaseline (By the way, thanks for that tip Peyton. You were right. No more chaffing.); and decaying Wendy's triple stacks would cost SO much.

Russell K said...

There's just something about Aaron Kampman that makes me want to rank him higher than Torry Holt, Steve Smith, Adalius Thomas, Richard Seymour, Troy Polamalu, Steven Jackson, Larry Johnson, Asante Samuel, AND Chad Johnson. Can't put my finger on it, though.

J.L. White said...

Boy, do I love Fantasy Football. Here's a tip, people: It's never too early to draft Kevin Curtis.

Jesse said...

-The gumbo served at the Saints training camp luncheon left something to be desired. I mean did they lose all their good recipes during Katrina, too? Ridiculous. C-

-Chris Simms... until I met him in person, I thought I was the biggest pussy on the planet. So much for listening to EVERY word Phil Simms says about anything... including herbal teas.

Jesse said...

-I talked to an NFL GM the other day about how best to defend against the Colts offense. He said that since they pass so much that you should either blitz him or drop more guys back in coverage or both. I'm no expert but I think he might be on to something there.

-I've driven past or visited Andy Reid's house at least 29 times since the end of last season and not one time did I think his kids were up to no good. I mean they seemed really into science with all the bath tubs in the backyard, test tubes, and the stockpile of Sudafed. Kids are just so hard to read these days.

Jesse said...

-I think the reason I write about baseball in my column is that I just don't know what to do with my hands if I'm not giving tugjobs to Bill Belichik and Roger Goodell.

Jackin'4Beats said...

A few years ago I saw this comedian perform on the way back from my many preseason road trips and I'll tell ya, that Richard Jeni is one funny guy. He's probably going to host the Academy Awards in 2008 - look out Chris Rock!

What? Too soon?

D. Law said...

Bea Arthur: Hot or not? Hott.

Ken Dynamo said...

a. Does Curtis Martin have anything left in the tank?

2. Giants GM Jerry Reese sure is blacker than I thought he was going to be.

d. I'd do a lot to get some Starbucks in me when I have a real bad craving, but doing a shot of espresso out of Jeff Garcia's belly button is where I draw the line. Or so I thought.

bign8te said...

On my flight to Falcons training camp, two teens in front of me were talking about a Cincinnati bowtie. This is something I'll have to acquire the next time I'm in town covering the Bengals. Nice to see that kids are still into classic fashion with a regional flavor.

Matt said...

Let me tell you something, if you are drunk and live in Philadelphia, be responsible and call one of andy reids kids to drive you home.

Responsible drinking in the name of the game in Andy Rieds House

Mike Murray said...

Don't shave that hair!

Ben said...

Someone told me the other day that I should try checking out some guy named Bill Simmons who writes on the interweb. He apparently does these funny things where he takes pictures of Devil Ray games and makes fun of old people. And you know what? I did, and it's hilarious!

Ken Dynamo said...

My favorite shit I ever took was one that was bigger around then it was long. Speaks volumes to the expansivness of my colon (excuse the pun). I left it in the toilet for my whole family to admire. I spoke to Wade Phillips and asked him if he had ever done anything like that. Wade just nodded.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

Big news in the King Household: the mrs. has agreed to let Peyton Manning father our next child. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I'm hoping for an audible so I can do a little receiving myself.

J.L. White said...

Quote of the Week XXXVII:

"I have never felt a rectum more relaxed with a cock deep inside as this one."

-- Philadelphia Eagles young QB Kevin Kolb, moments after tearing up my swine flesh, just like he did to those wild hogs back home.

El Duffo O Muerte said...

Factoid that may interest only me: Have you ever had construda? I just tried it for the first time, and it is wonderful.

Razor3 said...

I think this girl from South Carolina in the Miss Teen USA, I see her as a Secretary of Education in not too many years.

pardesi said...

have you ever seen a small cold nipple, it looks just like a baby toe

Babydaddy said...

I like your town. Stayed there many a night while covering the Chiefs in River Falls. And Joe Thomas' bride is from there. She likes to fish.

[Note: I couldn't think of anything good so I stole a few lines from the man himself. Jesusussudio.]

McBain said...

Appealing to commenters? I demand to know what was done to the real CC.

Michael Beckwith said...

I talked a great deal to Peyton Manning the other day. He told me he hasn't fisted brother Cooper since he was a sophmore at Tennessee. You know what? I believe him.

Joe said...

If someone bothered to make them, I would wear sock dickies every day.

Brian said...

I think I think that Peyton Manning is a great player who doesn't get nearly the recognition he deserves

Punch Rockgroin said...

So I said to the guy "Hey, that's MY anus".

Rob Ruedisueli said...

The other day as Phil Simms was showing me the proper way to recieve a "Green Tea Bag", he said he was considering a comeback with all the hoopla Brett Favre was recieving. Apparently he wants to show that his kid isn't the only one with a rocket arm and a weak spleen stil.