Thursday, August 16, 2007

KSK Mini-Gamebook: KSK Keeper League Fantasy Draft


Some highlights from last night’s KSK keeper league draft. You can take a look at the results here if you are so inclined.

-Last night’s draft (pictured above!) was done entirely via conference call, with 6 of us in DC calling in from the lovely Buffalo Billiards in DuPont Circle (where else would you expect a Gay Mafia to congregate?). And if you thought conference calls with your sales team were a complete clusterfuck, try drafting on the phone with 14 other assholes shouting out joke names like “RICK ANKIEL!”. No wait, Leitch actually drafted him.

-UM picked players who had already been drafted on two separate occasions. Each time, I cried out, “Party foul!” and made an L on my forehead, which might make me the biggest douchebag in recorded history. I was also wearing a pink shirt.

-Biggest gaffe of the night: Jamie Mottram taking Carson Palmer in Round 2, then Tom Brady in Round 3. And that’s before he started drinking. I blame the fact that Mottram wore a Smoot jersey to the draft. When you wear a Smoot jersey, you want two of everything.

-UM tried to pull a fast (and some might dare say Jewy?) one by drafting Darren McFadden with his final pick. You’ve never seen someone so thoroughly exalt in their own cleverness. He was shouted down like the retard that he is. He’ll be drafting Cody Paul next year.

-One of my favorite things to do during a draft is to shout out, “That’s a horrible pick” any time someone who is not me selects. I think it really lends an air of professionalism to the whole proceeding.

-Sarah, our contest winner, promised she wouldn’t draft like a girl. And yet, the evidence is clear: she totally drafted like a girl, constantly asking who had been taken, drafting a D too early, doing everyone else a favor by taking Cadillac Williams (the player no one wanted to draft), and drafting Jared fucking Lorenzen (and not even in the last round!). But she did draft Rex Grossman. She’ll be pregnant by October.

-I was gonna have taquitos at the bar last night, but I audibled to wings at the very last second. It seemed almost heretical to NOT order wings during a football draft.

-My favorite pastime during this draft was to get my hopes up for one particular player falling my way, only to have him taken a few picks earlier, then getting on the phone and screaming FUCK YOU to whoever picked him. I didn’t get why these people in front of me kept taking players with good value. Fucking dicks. Sometimes, the shoe was on the other foot and I took someone who was coveted by another. I got two FUCK YOUs myself, and that was really rewarding.

-No one except for Punter realized until the middle of the draft that our league only starts one RB. Rob Iracane, who drafted 3 RB’s in the first four rounds, would probably like a do-over.

-I drafted Bernard Berrian. I wonder if he’s Armenian.

-For half the conference call, some kid screamed bloody murder in the background. Apparently this was emanating from the bodega / refugee shelter / crack-house where Sarah was making her “picks.”

-I reached for Adrian Peterson in Round 2. And you know what? I don’t mind. It’s a keeper league, and I’m about to go All Day on everyone’s asses for the next decade. WOO HOO, bitches!

42 comments:

BeaverFever said...

Team names ?

Rob I said...

My strategery of stockpiling running backs has brought me many second place finishes, thankyouverymuch.

However, since they're all in platoons, yes, I would like a do-over.

Also, nobody cares about your fantasy league.

Monday Morning Punter said...

No one except for Punter realized until the middle of the draft that our league only starts one RB

Actually, anyone that was on the phone two hours prior to your question knew, because Will asked me the very same thing on the conference line.

It's one of the site's default settings, and has been prominently on display on the team page since we started the league.

And fuck your pink shirt.

Unsilent Majority said...

Leitch can take Ankiel but I can't have McFadden?

Antisemitism rears its ugly head!

gerry dorsey said...

skeets may or may not win a significant amount of games, but kudos for taking kool aid maroney in round 1, super solid marshawn lynch in round 2, and straight cash homey moss in round 4.

Monday Morning Punter said...

Birmingham Church Fire (UM)
Mattoon Green Wave (Will)
Gabelicious (Shanoff)
Al Harris' Fruit Bowl (Awful A)
Mr. Irrelevant (Mottram)
Brian's Dong (Drew)
Cum Dumpsters (Sarah)
Canada Roughriders (Skeets)
Cleverly Named Team (Gallo)
My Hot Babysitter Raped Me (Punter)
We Are the Diamonds, We Come from Glasgow (Flub)
No Poon for Plaxico Tax (Rob I)
Misconstrudas (Ape)
Gaza Striptease (Steinberg)

BeaverFever said...

@MMP, thanks. I knew there would be some funny team names on that list.

flubby said...

Actually, after catching up on Flight of the Conchords, I changed my team name to "The Boom Kings".

Otto Man said...

Nice Homerism, Drew.

And good to see Shanoff took the Oilers D. I really like the schemes Buddy Ryan's running there this year.

Jarrett Carter said...

Wow. The new DuPont Crew.

Don't let Karamo from the Real World find out about this.

Unsilent Majority said...

Wait...are Mike Bell, Braylon Edwards, and Jon Kitna still available?

Chris said...

I would like to see some of the running dialogue from the league this yr.

Big D said...

Can't believe nobody snagged Aaron Rogers... that guy's bound to be an impact starter by 2011 or so.

Wormfather said...

...and Ape for the win.

Ken Dynamo said...

so how many of you went next door to the fireplace for late night?

My Insignificant Life said...

Sarah pregnant by October? Not the way the Sex Cannon works - I'm sure once he heard she drafted him, he sent her a telepathic Cannon Blast and she was feeling it by the morning after. She should be puking any morning now.

dick_gozinia said...

Drew,

You would need to have your collar flipped to officially take the douchebag crown.

Also, fuck keeper leagues. That shit requires too much effort and thought. Shuffle the deck every year...that's what I say.

BeaverFever said...

@dick_gozinia, I'm in a keeper/salary cap league. talk about effort. And in my opinion I think flub had the best team name.

Awful Announcing- said...

Great pull on the Fireplace. There's nothing like sipping vino with a bunch of dudes next to an incinerator.

Happy Fun Miles said...

How is taking the Ravens D/ST a reach in a keeper league?

Sure. You might hate the city of Baltimore, you stuck-up inside the beltway sack of Joe Gibbs scrotum-licking protoplasm. But how do you disrespect the way Baltimore's D has held up through numerous changes over the last 8 seasons?

I am TOTALLY not trying to pick up Sarah, by-the-by.

/married guy

K-Rock said...

you failed to mention Sarah's quality pick-up by grabbing Jabar Gaffney. I think he is 6th on the patriots depth chart right now. what a C

Otto Man said...

Was Sarah trying for the All-Injury Squad?

This may be an unfair generalization, but women are no good at anything.

smurphette said...

@dick_gozinia: if his collar was popped, they would have been upstairs at Front Page, not BB.

fallex said...

It must have been difficult, BDD, staying focused on the draft with Brady Quinn's hand on your sack all night.

BeaverFever said...

@k-rock, I'm guessing the C stands for cutie. right ?

Rusty said...

I'm sorry. Buffalo Bulliards? That's the best you could do? You might as well just admit you're an ass-clown and have the draft in Bethesda. I hear Willie and Reed's is nice this time of year.

Chamomiles Davis said...

I love the headlining picture. Just look at all those "eligible bachelors."

Of course, I write this while hours away from my weekly HeroClix night. But I'm married, so there.

Oh, and my vote's definitely for "Misconstrudas" as best team name.

OD said...

Shanoff clearly got the steal at the end with the Oilers defense.

DougOLis said...

There were 3 defenses taken the same round as Sarah and she's the only one who gets reamed? She clearly had the best for a keeper league too. Ape w/ the Pats? Yikes.

Big Daddy Drew said...

rusty, Willie & Reeds has closed! Next year, it's Tommy Joe's for us!

Big Daddy Drew said...

Or Caddies!

Rusty said...

Willie and Reed's closed? How about Rock Bottom?

I do not miss living in Bethesda. Chevy Chase for life!

jmorrisking said...

I guess we now all know what it would look like if the Cantina Scene from Star Wars was reenacted with live people.

Unsilent Majority said...

I do not miss living in Bethesda. Chevy Chase for life!

a block or two makes all the difference.

SportsGirl365 said...

Dougolis, I was going to get reamed no matter who I picked. It's all good.

When Eli comes down with a serious case of vaginitis, that Lorenzen pick will come in handy.

Christmas Ape said...

Ape w/ the Pats? Yikes.

Oh noes! I took the 6th best D in the league last year, which signed away arguably the best player from the team Sarah drafted. How fucking stupid of me.

Christmas Ape said...

Bethesda, Chevy Chase and Potomac are cut from the same rich, douchetastic cloth.

All hail Silver Spring! Hooray lower-middle class!

deafjeff said...

Drew takes two Bills? Now he's even more of a hero to me!

Ski said...

shenanigans.

there are no cell phone signals in the dungeon that is buffalo billiards.

Tech N9ne's Tribute to Falco said...

Buffalo Billiards? Sweet brah, wanna swing by McFaddie's latenight and see if there are any G-dubs flip flop faddies lookin for a one way ticket to pound-town?

Dusty said...

Sweet-fucking-Jesus-in-a-speedo..a Pink Shirt????

Wtf were you thinking? For the love of God man..you go out in public in a pink-fucking-shirt?

Ben said...

Only one RB??? Wow. Do they still allow those?

Oh, and Sarah has a great team for a keeper league. You're totally jealous. Except for Leitch, who I'm surprised didn't draft Tecmo Bo Jackson.

(Not trying to pick her up either, my girlfriend's cool)