Thursday, August 23, 2007

Tom Brady's Baby Ends Holdout

WHHHAAAHH! WHHHAAAAAAAA!!!!! Whaaaaaa! Whaaaaaaaaa!

WHOA HOLY SHIT! Where the fuck am I? Last thing I remember, I was sliding down the inside of my mom and now some asshole in a mask and green pajamas is trying to nostril-fuck me! Get that fucking thing out of my nose! If you're so eager to help, you can grab a rag there and wipe some of this pussy shrapnel off my face! And turn some of these fucking lights down! You're not delivering a king-sized order of onion rings, faggots!

Seriously, where the fuck am I? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE? What is this place? This kinda looks like a small cafeteria to me, but where are all the stacks of trays? Wait a sec, am I in NFL Europe? That would explain why it's so cold, out here in Nonpussyville. I don't think I can survive outside of the snatch for, oh, more than a couple of hours. Guys, for real, I can feel my lips starting to chap. You mind if I run back into my mom for a second? I have some gloves in there. I'll be right back, seriously. I swear.

And not that I'm complaining about this, but do I have two dicks? I have this long ropecock that leads back into my mom, and then another friend down there. Is that crazy? I mean, I have two of everything else, right? When I get older, I'll have two Christmases, too. Wicked. Yeah, that other one a little farther down is nice, too. We'll call that my backup dick.

Yeah, go ahead, you green freaks, clamp that dick down and measure it. Just tell me how long it is in inches, and then tell me what an inch is. You could just draw an inch for me on that legal pad on that desk over there. I'm a visual learner, see.

Helloooo? Will somebody just tell me where I am? Hey, are those scissors? Be careful with those, you might...hey! HEY WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING! THAT'S MY ROPECOCK! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME I JUST GOT AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

...Damn you sons of bitches, you just slashed my ropecock. I hate all of you fucking people. I just know I'm gonna hate it in this...this cafeteria. At least I have two great parents that love each other. And a spare pecker. Fuck this place, I'm taking a nap...



Oh, hey, dipshits. One more thing...

Do I have a name?



37 comments:

rar288 said...

That baby isn't fucking around.

Signal to Noise said...

"Pussy shrapnel" and "ropecock" will be working their way into my vocabulary now. Thanks.

smeos said...

My tears are not of impotent rage at the horrible human being that is Matt Hasselbeck and his shiny, retarded palate, but at the wonder that is pussy shrapnel.

Guess who's gonna weird up his family reunion?

Me, that's who. The fucking champ of blurting out awkward/offensive comments and making grandma choke on her dentures harder than Seattle in a championship game.

Hustler of Culture said...

I have this horrible feeling that "pussy shrapnel" is going to pop into my head in two months when its Mrs. HoC's turn to give birth...

Dale said...

I have this horrible feeling that ten years from now, after not hearing the phrase from now until then, that when my first kid is born the first thing that will pop into my head is "pussy shrapnel".

Otto Man said...

Yeah, my wife's due in a month. Thanks for ensuring that it's a magical moment for me.

Crawford said...

Ropecock....instant classic.

Claude Balls said...

Bridget's a little chunkier than I expected. I guess she skipped the water aerobics.

BeaverFever said...

@ otto, make sure you bust out the terms "pussy shrapnel" and "cock rope". I'm pretty sure those terms can be found in the medical dictionary so the doctors will know what you're talking about.

Awful Chief said...

Thank goodness no one has commented "Look who's blogging" because that would just not be funny.

Pemulis said...

would it be weird if i said that that top picture gave me a boner?

..

no?

ok cool

gerry dorsey said...

nonpussyville....unfortunately i've spent some time there before. i don't recommend it.

Charley West said...

Which is bigger, Baby Brady's ropecock or Sexy Rexy's Sex Cannon?

The ropecock probably throws less INTs.

Wormfather said...

Mr. Punter, that was your post of the month.

Great Title - Check
Funny Story - Check
New Vocab - Double Check
Bad MS Paint -Check

Well done my man.

Chris said...

Your lucky Otto, I still have three months of joy.

devang said...

TO all of you fathers to be:

Ha! Ha! I went through this twice already, so no more pussy shrapnel or ropecock for me.

But, good luck with everything

The Pirate Sloth said...

Devang - you're gonna have another one here soon. Trust Sexy Rexy on this.

devang said...

Shit do the Bears visit the Giants or Jets this year??

WV - ijzqmtk. How appropriate for Sexy Rexy.

devang said...

Oh and you think childbirth is painful? . Try being a Longhorns fan in Sooner Country.

(Not for the squeamish)

dick_gozinia said...

Tom just needs to call his baby "Super". Yep...Super Brady. And maybe his middle name could be Fuckin'.

That way he won't have to change it when he's throwing 80 TDs a season in the NFL.

I heard when he was born, he took the placenta and threw it 40 yards down the hallway. And then he grabbed the attending nurse, bent her over his crib and gave her a 15 minute rogering.

Upstate Underdog said...

@Chris and Otto Man, I have 2 more weeks until our second one arrives. We are having another girl so I won't be able to use the term ropecock in the delivery room.

miamidiesel said...

@devang: jeez brother, we were better off yesterday talking about Wade Phillips masturbating... wait, on second thought...

Slash said...

That kid's not gonna play football, I feel strongly he will be a figure skater.

Could we have the picture of Wade back up at the top, please?

My favorite part is the tags, especially: things going into or coming out of bridget moynahan

Are you going to be using that one a lot in the future?

Crazy Little Thing said...

That's fucking fantastic. Hats off, MMP.

I'm betting on "child support" as the kid's first two words, by the way.

twoeightnine said...

How do you "canklize" calf? Because that thing is drooping farther than the right side of Tedi Bruschi's face.

RobinFiveWords said...

The legend of Punter is growing.

Julia said...

"Pussy shrapnel"? I'm dying.

Otto Man said...

Yeah, ours is a little girl too -- I'm leaning towards calling her Ottoette -- so the ropecock will be solo. I just hope it doesn't give her a hermaphrodite scare.

Upstate Underdog said...

@ otto man, or you could go with otto girl.

futuremrsrickankiel said...

pussy schrapnel. obscene. amazing.

also please put up something about Marques Slocum's insane/incredible facebook entry that was up on EDSBS yesterday.

Chamomiles Davis said...

I wonder if I should forward this to Mrs. Chamomiles Davis, due to launch little Chamomiles at the end of February.

Ummm... probably not.

BigFootFool said...

Funniest stuff ever. I seriously think I crapped my pants.

I miss my ropecock

The Pirate Sloth said...

HEY! Where's the "Jeez Punter, thats wrong" tag?

Chamomiles Davis said...

What's with the pixellated coochie in the picture? Did you get this off a Japanese porn site or something?


(Heh heh heh, "pussy shrapnel.")

Jackin'4Beats said...

Now that shit was funny.

Pussy Shrapnel is now embedded in my brain forever.

save the steagles said...

I'm gonna to submit this entry to my future husband as reason #237 why I'll be having a c-section.

Liston said...

Seriously, that was the greatest title of an article, ever.

Love,

Liston