Monday, August 13, 2007

KSK Gamebook: Chargers-Seahawks/BDD’s Vacation


-This edition of the Gamebook will cover all seven minutes of last night’s game that I took in, along with some notes from my lovely week at the beach. Ah, the beach, where people go to sit in uncomfortable chairs and read. There’s nothing like it.

-Hello, skimboarders of the world. My name is Drew, and I’d like to let you in on a little secret: skimboarding is, bar none, the gayest of all water sports. When I was a child, my parents dropped me off at the ocean, jammed some Bull Frog (SPF 8,000) into my eyes, and threw me into the surf, leaving me to fight the vicious undertow for 8 hours while they enjoyed mixed drinks, shrimp cocktail and sesame sticks on the veranda. And I braved the ocean like a fucking man. That’s not what you’re doing, skimboarders. Put all the skulls and shit on your board that you want. You aren’t surfing. You’re pretend surfing, and you know it. You’re about as in tune with the ocean as Woody Allen. You can get the same sensation putting on brand new Wigwam socks and skidding across your parents’ hardwood floor. And you don’t have to put on suntan lotion to do it. Yeah, I know most of you are seven. But you’re seven going on douchebag. So find a real water sport, or get the fuck outta the ocean.

-Speaking of shrimp cocktail, I would like to demand a shrimp cocktail that is, in fact, a real cocktail. It should have 12 shrimp, three parts Stoli, a jigger of dry vermouth, a splash of tomato juice and Frank’s hot sauce, and a roasted Portobello mushroom dangling out of it. I’m tired of these alcohol-free shrimp cocktails. It’s deliberate false advertising, and, as an alcoholic, I resent it.

-I spent the majority of my vacation trying to mentally understand why I drafted Jeremy Shockey over Alge Crumpler in our Yahoo League draft. There’s no excuse for it. Crumpler is healthier, puts up better numbers, and gets an upgrade at QB this year from the least accurate passer in history to the 2nd least accurate passer in history. Shockey has been overrated for years, yet I drafted him anyway. Anyway, I’ve been thinking about why I did it, and the only reason I can think of is that I am a fucking racist. I’m so racist, I should do a cameo on the Opie & Anthony show. Shame on me. There’s only one thing I can do to make up for it, and that is read a Toni Morrison book. I picked “Sula”. I hear it’s very short, and that you only need to read five critical pieces on it to know what actually happens in it.

-I had one celebrity spotting on my vacation, and it was none other than John Stossel. Yes, the John Stossel, the man who’s made an entire career out of being mistaken for Geraldo Rivera. He was at a gym, arguing with a clerk. I’m assuming he was arguing about whether or not Americans really NEED to work out. He, like “Sula”, is also very short. I can fit him in my shirt pocket.

-Since I am old, I no longer go out to bars while on vacation. Instead, I stayed in and played Cranium with my wife, my sister, and her husband. Cranium: the board game for people who can’t decide which board game they’d like to play. During our game, my sister drew one of the Cameo (nee charades) cards. The word she was asked to act out was “reproduce”. Fuck you, Cranium.

A couple thoughts from last night’s game:

-Matt Hasselbeck should not be wearing see-through baseball hats.

-All QB’s now get a green button on their helmets that they can use to activate their communications systems. Byron Leftwich plans to use the button repeatedly during the course of the season to order his traditional 3rd quarter Triple Monster Thickburger from Hardee’s.

-Ed Hochuli, Mike Carey has seen your luscious bis and tris and has decided he ain’t taking that shit lying down. Last night, Carey showed off two lean, powerful Howitzers encased in sleeves tighter than a weisswurst casing. Carey has fired his shot across the bow, Hochuli. You better step it up if you want to be one of the token “regular” people chosen for People’s 50 Most Beautiful.

-I saw lots of ads for the show “Chuck” last night. Given the hotness of the blond chick in the promos, I really don’t know why they’re spending so much time focused on Chuck. Chuck can go take a walk off a bridge for all I care.

-I went back and forth between the game last night and “Deep Blue” on Discovery Channel, narrated by the silky smooth Pierce Brosnan. I saw a killer whale fuck up a baby gray whale (Bonus points for the infanticide!), and a school of sharks ravage some fish on the ocean floor (double nice!). I don’t know why they covered the emperor penguins, though. That one movie told us everything we need to know about them. I get it. They get really fucking cold and walk a long way for their young. Amazing. But enough already. The tale’s been told. Let’s keep our focus on the killing, shall we?

-I did not see any of the studio show last night. But I’m excited to see Tiki Barber in action. I’ve heard he very telegenic, and by that I mean he says nothing interesting and has meticulously groomed eyebrows that border on being creepy. I also fully expect Brandon Jacobs to steal all his good lines. Fucking Jacobs.

-I did, in fact, catch some football during my vacation, in between washing sand off my child and forgetting to apply sunscreen to my feet. It was three minutes of the third quarter of the Cowboys-Colts preseason “game” on Thursday night. And even though it wasn’t a real game, and even though the players involved were one step below Division VII-AAAAA level, those three minutes were all I needed to realize how much I would like summer to be over. Don’t get me wrong. I love summer. Especially in DC: the smell of hot garbage wafting through the air, homeless people in open-toed shoes, fat women in Tevas… it's magic! But a taste of preseason football is all I need to say goodbye to sunshine and beaches and all that shit I’m supposed to like but don’t really care for all that much.

As I’ve grown older, the NFL offseason feels longer and longer with each successive year. The NFL has, at seven agonizing months, the longest offseason of the three major sports by far. Baseball only goes away for five months. The NBA, a mere four. Neither stays away long enough for me to celebrate its reemergence, and both are horribly overcovered in the blogosphere. Oooh, Gilbert Arenas has a personality! Isn’t that amazing?!

Sorry Gil, but we are but a month away from a new NFL season. So I could give two shits about you, or Kevin Garnett, or Barry Bonds, or remedial skimboarders, or anything else that is distinctly NOT football. Fuck you summer, and fuck you, all you other little placeholder sports. I have a huge footballrection. It lasts five months, and I ain’t consulting a doctor about it.

38 comments:

BeaverFever said...

BDD, back with a vengeance. Nice post.

Unsilent Majority said...

Gilbert is unimpressed

Hustler of Culture said...

Man, do I NOT miss summers in DC....

Also, its probably a good thing I missed the Skins preseason game. I have a tendancy to flip out when they lose (even if the game doesn't count)

The Pirate Sloth said...

Footballrection...

I'm using that word on the woman this week.

Chuckles said...

@ the pirate sloth:

You have fun with that.

I plan on using my actual footballrection on a woman this week.

BigRicks said...

Forgetting to put suntan lotion on your feet is the fucknig worst. I had mine turn fucking purple, I'd rather my feet have been gnawed off by a shark than have to try and wear shoes or flip flops with sunburnt feet again.

gerry dorsey said...

te is always the most frustrating fantasy position for me. i never feel like i get the production i expect to...unless of course you were in the lucky douche bag club in '06 who had colsten at te (yes i was one of them).

J.L. White said...

If skimboarding is the gayest of all water sports, Drew, does that mean it is gayer than getting peed on by a group of men inside a Frisco bath house? Well, according to that picture, the answer is YES.

Chris said...

Hustler of Culture - trust me you did not miss much. When I got to the stadium it was a 102, we ran out of beer, and Carry Collins was our starting QB.

fallex said...

What's worse, your scorching sunburn the day after you acquire it, or the non-stop itching that comes like three days later?

Discuss.

JAMMQ said...

. . . mentally understand why I drafted Jeremy Shockey over Alge Crumpler . . .

Noone will ever be able to comprehend that decision, whether it is mentally, or if some other means of comprehension is discovered.

Fuck Shockey.

Good to have BDD back.

Maybe now my comments won't get deleted for saying Drew is missed.

John S. said...

BDD, for the future...

Baby power works so well at getting sand off children that it borders on objective proof that God exists.

STEPHEN A. SMITH said...

The green dot is not a button, it is just a sticker showing which helmets have the radio in them.

http://www.uniwatchblog.com/?p=581

Big Daddy Drew said...

john s., I am intrigued by this product and would like to subscribe to its newsletter.

Big Daddy Drew said...

But Madden said it was a button. Damn you, Madden!

John S. said...

and by "power" I meant to say "powDer"

Anthony said...

Where can I find baby power ... I think I threw it out once in a diaper

Shan said...

I was going to agree about the agony that is sun burn on the feet, but I was beaten to it. Thats cool though, at least my feet aren't sun burned.


And about that footballrection, at what point does the pain become unbearable? 5 months is a very long time.

Captain Caveman said...

I've been looking forward to the car fueled by baby power.

Otto Man said...

Nice to see that BDD has found an ideology he likes -- priapism.

Vaya con hardon, my son.

denvergodfather said...

BDD, good to have you back. Grat post.

Oh yeah - skimboarders are all a bunch of poser pussies. You hit that nail on the fuckinjg head.

Chamomiles Davis said...

Every winter I complain about how god-damned cold it gets, then summer finally arrives and I bitch nonstop about the heat (oh, my wife LOVES that). That's southeast Pennsylvania for you.

I've concluded that for my tastes, there is no better weather than early October, which happens to coincide with the football season, which at that point is still early on but well in its stride.

There's your definitive proof that God exists.

Slash said...

I feel that the best shrimp cocktail has all cocktail, no shrimp. Or at the most, one shrimp, as garnish.

John S. said...

priapism is an ideology?

Chamomiles Davis said...

BDD's shrimp cocktail concept sounds like just the thing to wash down a bread sandwich.

Otto Man said...

priapism is an ideology?

Ends in "ism," right? You believe in what you want, but this is the One True Way.

The Dude said...

Frankly, I was expecting a post about you drinking your own urine while dehydrated on the beach. I am disapointed.

Ben said...

I interned in DC this summer... 95 degrees and humid all the time, plus the worst baseball stadium in the country (besides Shea). And I kept having to hear about how awesome Jason Campbell will be next fall.

Awful Chief said...

ben, did you live in a pre-gentrified part of DC or the suburbs? I haven't found NW or Capitol Hill to have a very high concentration of 'skins fans...mostly just transplants or non-football fans.
Is there another word for "non-football fan", because it just sounds funny to me, like "non-alcoholic". And not funny ha ha.

jmorrisking said...

I hear about a 5-month footballrection and all I can mentally picture is John Madden and Peter King in old-fashioned bathtubs on a mountaintop.

Swede Zombie Jesus said...

I hear about a 5-month Favrection and all I can mentally picture is John Madden and Peter King in old-fashioned bathtubs on a mountaintop.

fixed

jmorrisking said...

way to break in the rookie, KSK-style

Ricky said...

What the fuck are robster craws?

/Booger

Josh said...

Shockey's a grade-A douche but I still think you may have made the better pick. Crumpler was option 1 and option 1A for Vick; you've gotta think Harrington's gonna spread the ball around a little more (to his WRs, to the sidelines, to the crowd, etc.).

B said...

If Yahoo awarded players points for being a crybaby and getting injured, you'd be fucking golden.

S said...

Say Powdah!

Ben said...

awful chief- I was on the NE side but whenever I watched local news or listened to sports talk it was all about the Redskins (even the Orioles got more air time than the Nats). And everyone was optimistic about Jason Campbell but I'm not sure why...

the butler said...

I gotta give an AMEN to the complete gayness of skimboarding. I must say I saw some dudes on vacation near Charleston a couple weeks ago- and they were at least 18 years old or older. So the gayness has definitely infected a generation beyond our 7-year olds, unfortunately.

I just don't understand why anyone would think that "fun" consists of: tossing that little board, jumping on it for maybe 1.7 seconds, and falling straight on your ass.