Wednesday, August 22, 2007

God, I Can’t Wait To Go Home And Masturbate


Christ, this day is going slow. We ain’t even had our second practice yet. Then I gotta go watch film of both practices, download the rest of the staff, and then map out tomorrow’s schedule. I’m not gettin’ outta here until midnight. I know it. Dag gummit.

God, I can’t wait to get home and masturbate.

I really wish that one girl in those tight black pants hadn’t walked by earlier. All I’ve wanted to do since then is tear off my pants and just hammer myself raw. Get myself a piece of ol’ Wade Jr, if you know what I mean. But nooooo, I gotta stay here and do some daggone work. In a glass office, no less.

Shee-ut.

I got no privacy in this complex. Some asshole’s always reading the paper in the shitter. Maybe I can get home for a quick snack or something. No wait, can’t do that. Patty’s home right now with her Garden Club. God dammit. I really need to masturbate. I’m tellin’ ya, I got a hankerin’ for some spankerin’!

I know what I’m gonna do. When I finally finish up all this shit, I’mma hop in my car and speed on home, gently workin’ my knob through my pleated khakis. That way, I'll be prepared for rubbin' when I get home. Everyone should be asleep by then. Then, I’ll sneak into the house real quiet and fire up the ol’ Dell. Patty don’t know about “Private Browsing” on Safari yet. So I’mma grab some tissues and download me some hardcore shit. I like the amateur stuff. It feels more real to me. I don’t like all that staged porn. Maybe I’ll grab some lotion too. That makes my hand feel more like a cooter.

The question is: do I masturbate just once? It’s so hard to hold out for that one Texas-sized spurt. I could conceivably get off one quick jerk in the driveway, then have a longer, more-drawn out jerk when I get through the door. That way, I’m not creaming the keyboard within ten seconds. But then I’ll be tired. And hungry.

God, I need to release the fuckin’ floodgates.

If I could just find somewhere private. There’s no way I can get all this cotton pickin’ work done when I need to go masturbate so badly. If could just jerk off, I could finally get on with my day. Maybe I’ll hit a Starbucks or something. They have bathrooms that lock. I could maybe try and massage it under the table during our film sessions. I could think about that cheerleader girl from that one show. She is one dandy piece of trim. Or I could think about the black pants girl. That Angelina Jolie makes a great imaginary lay, but I haven't seen her lately. I saw a player's wife walk in here the other day that had her big, juicy rack just sticking right out. Christ, I'd like to get hold of her ass and then just ride off into the sunset...

God, I have to get this done. The film room. Gotta do it there.

But what if someone notices? Frankly, I got so much Wadebutter built up, it would make a stain on my pants the size of a longhorn. Can’t do it.

C’mon, clock. Move! I gotta get this done! If I can’t masturbate, I can’t think of nothin’ else!


Jones: Yeehaw!!!!!!

Oh, fuck! I’m never gettin’ outta here!

Jones: Hey there, tubby! You like Romo’s doin’? Hoo boy, I like that Romo! But you know what he needs? More options! More routes! More formations! I want you to stay in tonight and help design a new trips package for my boy Romo!

I got family stuff to do tonight, Mr. Jones.

Jones: The fuck you do! I didn’t hire you to love your family! I hired you to work! Now work, fatty! Work work work like the little fattykins you are!

Well, I do have to get home and grab some paperwork real quick.

Jones: I’ll have a courier get it for you! By the way, I’m trying out new cheerleaders on the adjourning practice field this afternoon. Make sure you have my boys focused on football, and not all that sweet river Texas pussy next door. Comprende, mi fucking amigo? WOO HOO! I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!!

Shit. Now I’ll never get to jerk off. I wish I were castrated.

31 comments:

BeaverFever said...

Wow, just wow. Greatest/funniest post about masturbation ever !

Chad said...

One time I let Jerry Jones give me a handjob. At least I think it was him. I can't be sure, of course, because the restrooms at my Chuck E. Cheese are always full of botoxed old men.

Matt said...

No "nightmare fuel" tag for thinking about "Wade Jr."???

The Black Bond said...

I've spent the past 10 minutes trying to figure out if Phillips' picture was a case of photoshopping gone terribly wrong. Talk about nightmare fuel.

Charley West said...

Wadebutter? Is that anything like Vegemite?

Probably tastes the same, not that I'd know.

El Duffo O Muerte said...

Normally I would find this amusing, but Jerry Jones is outside my house in an RV waiting to challenge me to a duel.

The Pirate Sloth said...

I sympathize for Wadey there, I really do. Poor guy, can't bust a nut at work.

I mean, everyone rocks off while at work, don't you?

Ken Dynamo said...

you have to be careful with jagging off in the car. i knew a guy who bragged about doing it in college. then, when he crashed his car, no one would believe that it wasnt jagging off that caused the accident.

Slash said...

Thanks for making me think about Wade's rod. Thanks a lot. I'll probably think about it every time I drive past that damn place now, which is about twice a day.

Having said that, still funny. Wadebutter...

If we could somehow harness the physical effort that goes into masturbating, we could tell the Saudis to fuck off and run everything on jerkoff power. Why aren't our greatest scientific minds working on this right now?

RE Jerry: that is actually the least scary picture of him I've seen in awhile.

miamidiesel said...

Goddamn do I know this feeling. BDD might have used Wade Phillips, but I venture to say he could have used himself, me, or any other commenter on KSK and the plight would have been just as poignant. Way to capture the emotion of it all BDD - I tip my hat to you sir. One question though; how did you write a post about Wade Phillips masturbating and forget to include something on his smoking-hott daughter?

wv: ahpxifuk - an expression of satisfaction, usually uttered after fucking a pixie

Signal to Noise said...

If you need to get the image of Wade Phillips whacking it out of your head, looking at Tracy Phillips will help.

Hooks Orpik said...

wade and jerry might just take up were the (never ending) off season adventure of michael vick leaves off.

called it!

BeaverFever said...

thanks for the link miamidiesel, damn she is hot.

Otto Man said...

In the interests of equal time, I'd like to direct everyone's attention to this counterpoint from a pseudonymous Patty Phillips.

T. W. said...

I gotta tell you... one of your funniest posts ever. Well done. I laughed my dick off.

miamidiesel said...

@beaverfever: No problem - I figured it would be a welcome release from thoughts of Wade Jr. and Wadebutter for all of us...

devang said...

@miamidiesel

Thanks seconded.

She looks sluttier than Rachel Nichols. She's gotta be a nasty filthy whore in bed.

Too bad I'll never know

BeaverFever said...

Tracy Phillips juice >>>>> Wade butter.

miamidiesel said...

@devang: we must hold the north Jersey KSK bar-crawl sometime soon. Also, I have a cousin who spent a day working at the Sam Adams brewery in Boston, and he assured me that they are releasing Utopias this holiday season, so be on the lookout

devang said...

@miamidiesel

Sounds like a plan. Some time after Labor day weekend?

Shoot me an email; it's on my profile. I will definitely be on the lookout for Utopia. Let me know if you find it in any likker stores.

Awful Chief said...

brilliant. The penis pump judge probably had similar thoughts before deciding that he was old enough to do something about it.

Wormfather said...

So I go for my afternoon KSK update, open the page and get the This Page is Blocked - Porn, thus making bust out my proxy server.

The point of the story is...1 in every three posts get this site blocked for porn when only 1 in 7 do anything remotely close to porn. Bravo, bravo.

The Last Dragon said...

Shit Miamidiesel. Now I can't wait to go home......

dick_gozinia said...

Nice job miamidiesel. I was just about to link that same article. She's a burlesque dancer...and not ugly as shit like those pussycat dolls.

Smello said...

I'm going to start randomly asking male friends if they have a "hankerin’ for some spankerin’".

That would never be misconstrued as some sort of offer, right?

miamidiesel said...

I'm really glad to be feeling all the love here. I also like this picture of the comely young Ms. Phillips. The red dealies that spin on her jugs certainly do leave me with a "hankerin' for some spankerin'"...

MannysHeadStash said...

A car-jacking joke? The unidentifiable corpse of Eddie Griffin thinks it's too soon.



I have no problem with it, however.

dick_gozinia said...

@smello - That would never be misconstrued as some sort of offer, right?

I think you meant to say mis-construda'd.

JAMMQ said...

Wade Phillips never had this problem when he was coaching in Buffalo, where there is ZERO smack material within miles.

Jay Byers said...

I can't say the whole Wadebutter thing horrified me too much, mainly because not long after reading this I thought of Wade doing the Truffle Shuffle and had to wash my eyes out with bleach.

J.L. White said...

Perhaps it was Wadebutter that was all over Tony Romo's hands when he botched the snap.

(Hmmmm, one second thought, it was probably PK's Special Sauce, instead.)