Monday, August 6, 2007

KSK 2007 NFL Season Prekkake: New York Giants

Yep, this is your quarterback.
(photo courtesy of the AP)


A Random Number of Fast Facts About the Giants

-Eli Manning is such a pussy that team trainers give him a precautionary Feline AIDS test bi-weekly
-Shocking but true: Defensive back Aaron Ross has two first names
-Steve Smith isn't that Steve Smith, he's the other Steve Smith
-Amani Toomer is benign; dressed in rags
-Osi Umenyiora is Nigerian for, "Expires After Contract Year"
-Michael Strahan videotaped his wife's sister getting naked but he really had his eye on her boyfriend
-Tom Coughlin refuses to deny the rumors surrounding his affiliation with the Fourth Reich
-Steve Mara once castrated a five year-old for wearing an Eagles jersey in his presence
-Wellington Mara is producing Biggie and Pac's new duets album
-Ernie Accorsi tried to tag along with Tiki Barber at Good Morning America but the producers felt he was more "ugly" ugly than "tv" ugly.
-Brandon Jacobs and Ruben Droughns take bites of Ahmad Bradshaw when they need a snack between meals.
-Chris Snee is cheating on Tom Coughlin's daughter with Tom Coughlin's wife and the whole family is secretly dating Jeremy Shockey

If you are one of those contemptible "fans" of the Giants you might want to check out Roger Director's upcoming book I Dream In Blue: Life, Death, and the New York Giants. It offers a unique look at the intersection of obsessive fanaticism, family, and career. If you have an unhealthy love of the Giants you're bound to commiserate with Director as he follows the team throughout the tortuous and occasional tragic 2006 season. And as a Redskins fan I have a whole new book full of reasons to hate those blue-clad ass-clowns. It's easily the second best thing Director has written; he's also responsible "The Client's Best Interest" which was one of the truly great episodes of Arli$$.

Robert Wuhl is a national treasure and fuck you for saying otherwise!

38 comments:

K-Rock said...

Sinorice Moss: not that moss, and no, not that other moss either, the other other moss

BeaverFever said...

what is the over/under on the number of times Berman mentions the fact that Zak DeOssie played at Brown ?

K-Rock said...

DeOssie has potential to ruin telecasts based on a) Brown references and b) people not shutting up about how old man strahan played with both steve and zak deossie

in other news, strahan can now fit eli manning in between his front teeth

BeaverFever said...

k-rock, if Strahan doesn't play we won't have to worry about it.

Amphibian said...

Isn't A Fan's Notes by Frederick Exely already a classic look at "the intersection of obsessive fanaticism, family and career"?

Assuming "career" means "alcoholism", of course.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

Not only is Steve Smith not THAT Steve Smith, he's not even the other Steve Smith, either. He's also not any of the three Moss kids listed above.

He should really think about changing his name. To Eddie Johnson.

Franklin said...

The New York Giants that play in Jersey

John S. said...

As a Redskin fan who lives in New Jersey, I loved this post.

Ken said...

beaver, last I checked the over/under was at 2,587.

I'm taking the over.

Jarrett Carter said...

Not listed - Jeremy Shockey's favorite sports movie is Madea's Family Reunion...

Jackin'4Beats said...

How many times do we need to hear "The New York FOOTBALL Giants?" As if the New York BASEBALL Giants never left the Polo Grounds and are still playing baseball in between the housing project buildings?

BeaverFever said...

good point J4B. Sure 50 years ago you might have had to say the NY football Giants, but that was, um, 50 years ago. Just more douchiness from Berman.

Hustler of Culture said...

Is it wrong that I want Strahan to return, only to have his knee blow out when Portis jukes the SHIT out of him?

No? Good

John S. said...

That "Football Giants" thing is annnoying as hell. EVERY damn time I have to sit through a Giants game (Thank you Comcast for, still, only show local games in the largest city in the world) my wife will declare that the "New York FOOT-BALL Giants" are going to win.

My common response is that they are going to take a FEC-AL turd on the playing field they way they always do.

K-Rock said...

@ John S

If I were you, I really wouldnt mention that I was either a Redskins fan or from Jersey. Sounds like a pretty rough life

fallex said...

Yeah, if Steve Smith wants some instant notoriety, he needs to change his name to Eddie Griffin or Jason Williams.

John S. said...

@k-rock

Actually, Jersey is not what you probably think it is. With respect to the Redskins, well, there is always next year.

K-Rock said...

@ John S

i drove the turnpike once and had to keep my windows up because i dont enjoy the smell of sewage. I figured the rest of the state smelled that way

Slash said...

To be fair to the guy, he's probably REQUIRED to say "football Giants" by the team/network/powers that be. He probably gets e-mails and phone calls from lawyers every time he fails to say "football Giants."

Would anyone care to hear selections from the Dallas Cowboys Preview brochure I received in the mail? There's perspective from the owner and general manager, a Q&A with Wade, etc. 4/C, 12 pages. I wish I had 1/100 of the money this thing cost to produce.

John S. said...

@k-rock

A very common experience and conclusion one that is very wrong.

The turnpike pases through the most highly industrialized portion of the state and has not only Liberty Aairport, but, the Elizabeth Seaport to contribute to its lack of appeal.

The thing is... all the high density industrial buildings are concentrated right in that area, which, if you think about it, kind of makes sense.

brad said...

I hate to go completely off-topic, but did anyone see any of the game on Sunday? Please tell me Bryant Gumbel was not in the booth.

BeaverFever said...

brad, maybe you shouldn't read the next post.

brad said...

beaverfever, I just threw up in my mouth in anticipation.

devang said...

I look forward to watching the Giants every Sunday. I am sure that they will be a good team. I like Eli, he is nice. Coach Tom is a little strict sometimes. I like that they have a fashion designer and a glass man at wide receivers. It should be a fun season.

Fuuuuuuckkkkkkkk.

Thank god I can go to a diner near my house which has 7 plasma screens and the NFL package. Hangover Mondays, here I come!!

Raskolnikov said...

The Giants do lead the league in Owner's Gorgeous Granddaughters

SFW

Oh, This is for the Rapture said...

Not to be argumentative, but I sure as shit like the giants over the sorry Skins this year.

AND (@ Hustler) I know Portis won't be juking out anyone with knee tendinitis.

Bryan said...

Hey when Portis goes on the IR again, which nerdy ass character will he be. DR. Douche Bag, Professor OverRated, or Carl Pavano. Also when he breaks Strahan's ankles will he have his madden level set to easy?

Unsilent Majority said...

Bryan, I don't know what kind of revisionist history you've been reading but Clinton Portis has never been on IR.

In five years he's missed 12 games (8 last year).

Rip Slagcheek said...

I think the reason so many of my fellow Giants fans are arrogant mouthbreathers (aside from them mostly being Yankee fans as well) is that it's an effective defense mechanism for those moments where you find yourself sitting around, bliking, wondering how they could possibly be such an unspectacularly shitty team.

But Kate Mara's smokin' hot. So there's that.

Unsilent Majority said...

Kate Mara is smoking hot indeed. Too bad she has Giant and Steeler blood running through her veins. That's a double whammy.

Otto Man said...

The thing is... all the high density industrial buildings are concentrated right in that area, which, if you think about it, kind of makes sense.

Yeah, for some reason, they never run the giant turnpikes and highways through the nicer parts of the state. It's a real puzzler.

HadesGigas said...

Keep Kate Mara away from tunneltooth.

J.L. White said...

Ernie Accorsi is "pug fugly" and damn you straight to motherfucking hell GMA for implying otherwise!!!

BigFootFool said...

dude, Robert Wuhl was so much better in Batman than he ever was in Arli$$

but here is one question... who is a greater national treausure Wuhl or the Scwab?

Daniel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Daniel said...

Wow... that sounded like the most disgruntled, jealous rant by a Redskins fan that I have ever heard.... They're made up of the best bunch of has-beens, woulda-beens, and coulda-beens that money could buy -- very similar to the Mets in the early 90s. Obviously you can't talk about how good the skins will be this year, so you have to make up corny 'facts' about another team. Bravo!

rukrusher said...

John S. is just upset that he has gone to Giant Stadium for the last five years just to see his Redskins lose , often badly to the G-Men.

As he walked out of the stadium last year he informed us he will not come back.

Unsilent Majority said...

daniel, i'll also be previewing the redskins.

and feel free to suck my cock.