Monday, August 20, 2007

The Offseason Adventures Of Michael Vick! Episode 10: Guilty!


Oh, man.

Oh, Lord.

Dear God, give me the strength to get through this.

I’m asking you, Dear Lord, to have mercy on my poor soul.

Because damn if this isn’t the strongest motherfucking shit I have EVER smoked.

Oh, man. Good fucking Jesus. I feel like everything’s blinking!

(phone rings)

Aw, man! Fuck! I was concentrating on my high, god dammit!

(pick up phone)

Who is it?

Lawyer: Michael, it’s your lawyer.

Mr. Perry Mason man! How the fuck you doin’?

Lawyer: Michael, we’ve made a plea bargain. You’re going to have to go to jail.

Do I get to pass GO?

Lawyer: No, no, no. This is real, Michael. You’re actually going to jail. Your career may very well be over.

(processes)

(processes)

(processes)

Say what you really mean, man. Your whole legal shit is maing the left side of my head go numb. Where are my spicy fries?

Lawyer: Michael, I’m sorry. Sentencing is next week.

Next week?

Lawyer: Yes.

So I don’t have to deal with this shit until then?

Lawyer: Well, no. I guess not.

Well then, life is pretty good. You know what I just got into, Mr. Lawyer man?


Ant farms. They’re fucking crazy, man. Look at all those fucking ants. And it looks like a real farm! Hello? Hello?

Photo courtesy of the Onion.

17 comments:

SlideShow Bob said...

I could stare at a Ant Farm for hours.

Tracer Bullet said...

Smoke up now, homie. The buzz from pruno isn't nearly as smooth.

Alex said...

Tony K. just called Mike Vick a potential "underdog story." Vodka came spurting out my nose. OWWW.

Hooks Orpik said...

This series is the gift that keeps on giving. Tremendous.

Matt said...

Sentencing isn't next Monday, it's just the guilty plea entered.

Ant farm.....brilliant!

SlideShow Bob said...

The Sex Cannon is really in mid season form.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Drew, great work with the Ookie series. Now back to the real work of Canonizing the Cannon.

Joe said...

OK, I like the Offseason (henceforth known as the Eternal Offseason) Adventures of Ookie, but lets talk about thing important, like the fact that Sex Cannons' fingers are so coated with period blood he fumbled 3 damn snaps tonight, and Orton, while drunk, looked like a football GOD, at least in comparison. How the fuck is he still the starter? Does he have pics of Lovie and Urlacher blowing each other?

Go Bears!

smeos said...

I think if Chicago ever had a competent quarterback, the universe would explode. There are certain things that God will just not allow to happen (like the return of Firefly you evil, evil Bastard), and this appears to be one of them.

Shit, I live in Canada, and even our QB's, who probably worked as backups on the practice squad can at least hold on to the ball.

Hmm, and now it looks like our local team is in negotiations to pick up Charles Rogers . . .

First Ricky, now this. Will our national shame never cease?

Pemulis said...

i heard that being high makes the anal tearing much more tolerable

Suss said...

Imagine if Vick had an ant farm and a lava lamp in the same room. He'd never be able to leave.

Unsilent Majority said...

well if they let him have a lava lamp, an ant farm, and a shitload of weed and blunts then he'd do great in prison

Lord Farceface said...

Ant farms are FANTASTIC while you're stoned. You start anthropomorphizing the ants; giving them tasks, aspirations, and even political affiliations. Fuck, weed is great.

QWIJIBO said...

Since I know Micheal Vick is an avid Kissing Suzy Kolber reader I have a message for you Mr. Vick...

NIGHTY NIGHT!!! KEEP YOUR BUTTHOLE TIGHT!!!

jmorrisking said...

When they do the A&E movie about Vick, Chris Rock is a SHOO-IN to play Oogie...good times all around. I have also bought the industrial-size Tums for the 2007-08 edition of the "Rex Grossman High-wire Act"

TheNaturalMevs said...

Yeah, but drew- how is your imaginary family doing?

Joaquin "The Rooster" Ochoa said...

Free Mike Vick!