Monday, August 13, 2007

Football Season Is A Month Away, But Making Fun Of Peter King Season Is Here To Stay!


Some fun with Peter King on a Monday afternoon. Today, King made the following comment about HBO’s “Hard Knocks” show:

"My one quibble with these shows: They're so fast-paced and move from one drama to the next and one scene to the next, that you don't really
get the feel of what camp is truly like. Very often, camp is boring,
tedious and full of drills you can't watch for very long or you'll go
crazy. If the show is to be the real story of training camp, it must
point out -- not just in flashes but in minutes -- what really happens
at camp, which is often extraordinarily humdrum."


Agreed. I, too, would find the show far more fascinating if it were more boring. Now you now why King's MMQB column is 56,000 words long. We at KSK found King’s logic irresistible. From it, we drew the following conclusions:

-King doesn't understand why the WSOP doesn't show the hands where everybody folds

-King watched Major League last night, and wished they'd show how well Willie Mays Hayes worked the count

-King doesn't understand why he can't watch every single American Idol audition

-He's disappointed Shark Week has so much killing when, in fact, most of the time sharks are just swimming around

-He’s a huge fan of Kevin Costner films

-He will only attend a wedding if it is Greek Orthodox

-He wishes he could read ALL the mail Bill Simmons gets in his mailbag

-King wishes pornography had more foreplay. Women just don't get automatically wet, you know

-King wants to know why his Lawrence of Arabia Director’s Cut DVD skimped on the deleted scenes

-King wishes "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" consisted of one uninterrputed take

-King thinks "To Catch a Predator" doesn't depict chat rooms accurately, should show footage of benign exchanges

-King wishes that the producers of The Office would shift the focus from the employees to the hard facts about paper sales

-King wishes Tony Romo would cuddle more

-When Peter King bought tickets to "28 Days Later" he was was stunned and disappointed to learn he didn't have to wait four weeks to see the movie

-King wishes Yes had produced more B-side compilations

Clearly, this is why King enjoys going to Starbucks so much. Yours in the comments.

117 comments:

Oops Pow Surprise said...

Peter King likes soccer just the way it is.

Ron Bermuda said...

When King uses TIVO he doesnt fast forward through the commercials...

josh said...

"Why do we have interstates? I believe you should take the time to see the countryside as god intended: at 40 miles per hour with traffic lights reminding you to stop and take it all in."

Calvin's got a job said...

King thinks that the Sopranos, Entourage and Flight of the Conchords should be turned into 15 minute shows in order to allow John From Cincinnati to run the necessary three hours

BeaverFever said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
JewDago said...

thinks that tolstoy and dickens understood brevity far too well.

Ken Dynamo said...

King would prefer every sopranos episode involved carmella going to paris to stand on bridges and cry.

BeaverFever said...

King wishes he could eat while he is sleeping.

gerry dorsey said...

however peter king DOES in fact love elevators....you don't get that fat by taking the stairs people.

fallex said...

Peter King was upset that BDD's vacation recap didn't include details of his every bowel movement and flatulence.

And frankly, I was surprised.

Camp Tiger Claw said...

You oughta see his collection of Widespread Panic bootlegs.

JewDago said...

wishes the state of the union address could involve more clapping.

Ken Dynamo said...

King enjoys the racial diversity levels of the whites and blacks in his hometown of Monclair, NJ, at 60 and 32 percent respectively, but wishes the city council would do more to raise the 5% latino poulation closer to the national average.

Biggus Rickus said...

Thinks Saving Private Ryan's opening assault scene focused far too much on the hurry-up and not enough on the wait.

Otto Man said...

King's idea for a CBS procedural drama? "Night Watchmen." The possibilities are limited!

JewDago said...

wishes his daughter's myspace page included more about her academic pursuits.

JewDago said...

holly mangold's, too.

fallex said...

Did anyone else notice Brady Quinn trying to throw up the weight for a standing dumbbell press and finish with a defeated look of "oh shit, I'm on tv and probably shouldn't have grabbed the big dumbbell."

Camp Tiger Claw said...

Theoretically it would be faster to eat the tub of butter with a giant spoon, but he feels using his fingers makes him appreciate it more.

The Magnificent Eeyore said...

King wishes that at least one top-tier sportswriter would routinely include hundreds of words of asinine personal information so as to better enable the reader to truly understand the author.

Oh wait.

JewDago said...

thinks "mind of mencia" should expand to a two-hour, nightly format.

John S. said...

Peter King has no idea why Melville did not follow up with "Ahab: The High School Years"

Big Daddy Drew said...

thinks "mind of mencia" should expand to a two-hour, nightly format.

Isn't this already the case? Because it sure feels that way sometimes.

Fucking Mencia.

Total BS said...

King wishes more sports bloggers would post YouTube videos.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

Thinks "Waiting for Godot" focused to much on Godot, not nearly enough on the "waiting."

BeaverFever said...

King wishes some hadn't taken a picture of him fucking that football.

fallex said...

King was upset to learn that there was nowhere he could purchase ESPN Directors' Cuts of the NFL Draft or the MLB Home Run Derby.

John S. said...

sounds like someone never actually read "Waiting for Godot"

JewDago said...

think's "who's now" should have been expanded to a year-round tournament encompassing 1,048,576 athletes.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

King also prefers restaurant menu to include detailed recipes, price of individual ingredients - not just item descriptions.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

John S:
sounds like the joke went over someone's head.

John S. said...

Whowillsex:

Sounds like someone can't take a joke.

The Dude said...

King thinks the Beatles should’ve used more Yoko Ono in their music.

Hustler of Culture said...

Thinks Gregg Easterbrook is just getting warmed up when he ends is TMQB column.

fallex said...

King would like to know what the Sports Gal thinks every now and then.

Captain Caveman said...

John S. --

More jokes, less responding to every commenter. This ain't Deadspin.

lumartin said...

Young King frustratedly quit his job as a nightwatchman watching 16 security camera feeds at once because he could never take in all the action.

albaNY Hawker said...

Peter King wishes that strippers started off wearing more clothing and concentrated more on their dance moves.

droz said...

king's got 2 dogs, lucy and emilio.

poor fucking dogs.

JewDago said...

wishes lifetime offered more original programming.

JewDago said...

wishes crowds would do the wave for entire games.

albaNY Hawker said...

wishes hookers didn't die so quickly when strangled.

Not Only, But Also Lee said...

King prefers to interpret lines of falling green code on a computer screen instead of going into the Matrix

Camp Tiger Claw said...

Wants to see the hole in the Muppet's ass where you stick your hand in.

John S. said...

CC --

You know... there was another group of people who thought that it was just fine to tell people what to do and what to think. Thats right... they were the Nazis.

Peter King thought the The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich needed a yard-by-yard description of the construction of the autobahn.

Not Only, But Also Lee said...

Wishes Peter Jackson's "King Kong" had more Naomi Watts-Ape googly eyes and less dinosaur wrestling

GoreZombie said...

King wishes that the glory hole at his local New Jersey rest stop had a place nearby that he could take the guy that he just sucked off out for a coffee.

Ken Dynamo said...

king wants to know why only the gays get to wear all the fun clothes.

Big Daddy Drew said...

john s., why don't we all just enjoy some Chewlies gum then?

John S. said...

(it was a stretch, I know)

Wormfather said...

King wishes that Journey albums included all the takes.

STEPHEN A. SMITH said...

King feels Cops should show more sitting around in patrol cars.

Ken Dynamo said...

King wants to know why it takes so long for the Harry Potter books to come out in paperback. Come on Ms Rowlings, that is just blatent disregard for us muggles.

John S. said...

BDD - Glad to see someone got that one so quickly. I saw that movie on a first date and laughed so hard I didn't bother to try and get a second date because I made such a fool of myself.

GoreZombie said...

King wishes that his wife had taken the time to learn spanish before fucking the pool boy.

JewDago said...

wishes that hayden christainsen could be in every movie.

Ken Dynamo said...

King would like to here more emo records for all the middle school kids that weren't currently expiriencing angst.

Christmas Ape said...

Wishes every comment on KSK focused on the verification word.

Ken Dynamo said...

King would like to knoe what a yakoff smirnoff joke sounds like written from a soviet perspective. In democratic america... What would go next?

BeaverFever said...

King wishes that pornos could show the guys getting "fluffed" before the scene actually started. After all porn just isn't about the sucking and fucking.

Otto Man said...

King wishes "Trading Spaces" spent more time focusing on the paint drying.

John S. said...

(buiilding off of earlier posts)

Peter King wishes pron would acutally show how the pizza was made before it is delivered to the sorority house.

Ken Dynamo said...

king wants to know how the documentary Super Size Me could get it so horribly wrong.

John S. said...

Peter King wishes that Sunday mornings during football season were filled with more of same "heartfelt storys" about player X and his mother's battle with uterine centipedes that Superbowl Sunday has.

flubby said...

PK is peeved because Bob Villa always says "measure twice, cut once" but they don't actually show him measuring twice.

Pemulis said...

Peter King wishes that the historical documentary called "300" focused more on the gentlemen sitting down to write the histories, less on the fighting


but did anyone else watch hard knocks? brody croyle's girlfriend is insanely hot

Undead Zombie Horde said...

King wishes Dr. Z would focus more on thanking his readers and making stupid inane jokes invoving his wife than talking actual football. Plus, King thinks that Dr. Z is too fresh and hip.

Raskolnikov said...

Peter King wishes NoIS didn't edit Scoop Jackson's responses.

the chief said...

King is worried local cable access channels are losing their 'edge'

Biggus Rickus said...

Wishes Planet of the Apes had fully developed the customs of the ape civilization and shown them in great detail, rather than focusing on the relatively meaningless life of one human.

devang said...

Wishes that Woody Allen would be a little bit more knebbish.

Calvin's got a job said...

King wishes the Bible focused less on Jesus, the son of God, and more on the special power of conjuring fish and wine out of thin air

Dr. Mexico said...

King wishes that they televised the practice rounds of golf championships on the weekends when he could watch it and just forget about the actual tournament.

Dr. Mexico said...

King wishes that the means never justified the ends.

Calvin's got a job said...

Peter King wishes his weekly game of POG hadn't been cancelled

devang said...

King wishes he had more time to think over his answers..er questions...fucking responses, that's it!!...during celebrity Jeopardy

Ken Dynamo said...

King wishes his daughter wouldnt gets so made when he tells her he loves you on her facebook wall.

Holly said...

Peter King regrets that the makers of Koyaanisqatsi succumbed so easily to the hyper-paced, jump-cut-happy fever infecting modern American cinema.

devang said...

@holly +1

Holy shit, that's way out of left field!!!

the chief said...

King is starting to think this whole YouTube thing might take off one day.

John S. said...

and the award for most obscure reference goes to....

John John The Bastard said...

What about pants? Don't you hate pants?

John John The Bastard said...

Peter King wishes The Wire contained more full length mayoral briefings on subjects such as traffic lights and extending bus lines.

Wormfather said...

King Wishes Unicorn Planet showed more Cadillac getting hemmed up by Shannon.

Otto Man said...

Peter King wishes he could remember the all the time he spends sleeping when he's not dreaming.

Ken Dynamo said...

king wants to know why it has to be connect 4. why not connect 5 or 6?

Awful Chief said...

King shakes head in disgust with the general lack of attention to runners on first base by pitchers these days.

Swede Zombie Jesus said...

King wishes that the women in pornographic moving pictures would be a little more demure and not be so eager to have relations with men that don't really love them. Seriously, they should have more respect for themselves.

Ken Dynamo said...

king wants to know why its taking so long for those MTV Jackass guys to just make out already.

Chris said...

PK'S Journal Entry 2722 -

Instead of shows like the Shield and the Wire which are so fast paced I think they need to slow it down a bit. How about a hour of showing us what it really takes to get a search warrant. All the paper work, petition to the judge, more paper work, etc. PK your a genius... chokes on a pork rhine.


BDD - did you see Mr. Brooks? One of the better movies I have seen this yr.

Chamomiles Davis said...

"NORM!"

Awful Chief said...

While taking Calc I, PK often demanded that the professor give a less 'hand-wavy' proof of the theorem being introduced.

Ken Dynamo said...

king is all for indulging in the occasional potty humor, but has no idea what was up with that south park where the aliens were going to hekma bars and sucking off each other jagons. i mean shit, what was that about.

Shoopmonster said...

The bane of Peter King's existence is the abridged dictionary. He also wishes for a historical origin for every word.

Otto Man said...

"NORM!"

CD, I was just coming here to post that myself.

Well played, you magnificent bastard.

The Pirate Sloth said...

King has read War and Peace, the Bourne novels, all of the Dune series, and all of the support books of LOTR at least once every year for the past 30 years.

And considers it as light reading.

eirishis said...

Peter King wishes smut novels included fewer sex scenes, and more scenes of lonely men jacking off in hotel rooms. After all, that's closer to reality. His reality, anyway.

Ken Dynamo said...

king would prefer is DragonForce were to express the sweeping majesty of thier fantasy epic lyrics by slowing it down just for one god damn minute.

K-Rock said...

hopefully this hasn't been used yet

King wishes KSK commenter John S would post more often because he finds his thoughts to be intriguing and wished he would contribute more

dick_gozinia said...

Peter King calls Dell customer service even when his computer isn't broken. He just loves him some hold music.

Also, I stood up in a Greek wedding 2 weeks ago. Brutal.

Ken Dynamo said...

king thinks you get a better experience playing Dance Dance Revolution with a controller than the dance pad.

Dave said...

Peter King is happy that the Jews were in the Desert for 40 years instead of 40 days before finding "the promised land"

Steve said...

Peter King wants a 600 minute egg.

Slash said...

King also really enjoys:

* Renewing his license at the DMV
* Waiting behind people at the supermarket checkout who have 50 coupons, yap on their cell phone and pay with a check
* Sitting in rush hour traffic
* The 15 minutes of commercials and trailers the theaters show before every movie
* Waiting for movie files to load on his computer, especially the ones where half the elapsed time is a commercial that you have to watch first before the shit you actually wanted to see starts playing
* The singing of the national anthem at sporting events, especially if the singer tries to modernize it with rap, scatting or Christina Aguilera-type vocalizing of every other note

Free Pacman said...

Enjoys reading the book instead of watching the movie.

Wayne said...

Peter King is dying to see the 24 episode where Jack Bauer goes through the drive thru at McDonalds then takes a dump.

Rick Muscles said...

Good, Drew's back this page is funny again.

Brad said...

Peter King wishes that every Sopranos episode was just one long fade to black.

Greek Mike said...

You think greek weddings are bad, try regular church service. It's just as bad, but consistently.

QWIJIBO said...

Man, Joe Piscopo really let himself go.

Jason said...

PK thinks that it's a tragedy that the British have chosen to follow such fast paced sports as cricket. All the nonstop action makes his head spin.

also, +2 holly.

Greg Schuler said...

King wishes that they showed the production assistants setting up the survival scenarios in Man vs Wild and the cleanup afterward. Remember, carry in, carry out...

Golden Jew said...

King wishes that Joe Morgan would tell more minor league antecdotes

Sideburn said...

King thought The English Patient was too brief, and shouldn't have been told in Flashbacks, but in chronological order instead. Flashbacks are confusing.

Sideburn said...

OMG! I just heard PK's voice for the 1st time on a Jim Rome podcast, I'm about as blown away as when I heard Bill Simmons for the 1st time. Terrible!

gaptoothedgrind said...

King wishes 'Big Trouble In Little China' focused more on the subtle rift between western and eastern cultures and less on Wang Chi's airial swordfighting...

Bloof said...

King hold the opinion that the Star Wars series would have been much more entertaining if it was comprised entirely of Yoda in his hut, cooking stew and sleeping.