Wednesday, August 1, 2007

They Managed To Sign Charles Nelson Reilly To An Offer Sheet, But Gaytown Matched The Terms

By now, you've probably heard that the Jacksonville Jaguars signed former No. 1 Draft Pick and Where The Fuck Are They Now coverboy Tim Couch to a two-year deal. Two. Twice. Two times. If he makes the team, he'll pocket the league minimum, a paltry $595k. If not, then it's back to second shift at Kinkos.

This is the NFL's equivalent of, you know, when you're out of clean underwear and you haven't done laundry, and so you're like hunting around, sniffing every dirty pair of underwear on your floor (hopefully, you're just wafting the scent of the garment to your nose, unless you have a fucking death wish). And finally you get to that striped pair of boxer briefs and you think, "This pair doesn't smell like complete shit." At that point, I'll steam iron them or pop 'em in the microwave for 40 seconds or something. They feel fresher that way.

And I have no idea where I heard this story first, so you can take your hat tip and stick it up your ass. You're like a bunch of fucking girls.

UPDATE: While we're on the subject, stop sending us baseball shit. We don't care. Next baseball link we get is earning an invitation to a Lemon Party, courtesy of twoeightnine.

UPDATE: Do not Google "Lemon Party." Please.

104 comments:

Becky said...

This signing of Tim Couch almost makes the Lions' front office look competent. I'd damn sure rather see Dan Orlovsky (who?) than Couch on the sidelines.

And the underwear recycling methods - in my house it used to be popping them in the dryer with a dryer sheet and wet towel - is one of the many reasons I need to stay away from men for a while...

But hey, it's better than crap on towels I suppose.

My Insignificant Life said...

I learned that you can wear underwear 4x - front, backwards, inside out front, inside out backwards - so you really stretch the value of the briefs. Then again, you can always make a K Mart run for more.

Otto Man said...

Alright, since the Match Game theme is stuck in my head now, it might as well be stuck in everyone's head. Enjoy.

gymclassheroes said...

I can wear mine front and inside out front but the backwards part is out b/c my balls get caught up in the g-string...not pretty.

Somewhat related topic: ever seen a bullfrog mid-bellow?

sweet dreams

grungedave said...

Couch has a playmate?

I thought Cade McNown stole Heather Kozar from Couch a long time ago?!?

grungedave said...

check that... Couch took Kozar back? And *married* her? No wonder he sucks as a QB... he's pussy-whipped.

Camp Tiger Claw said...

Richard Dawson said underwear are for fairies. Then he tongued your grandmother at the Brown Derby.

Murderface said...

Heh heh. Gaytown.

...I got nothin'.

BeaverFever said...

no clean underwear ? free ball it. more advice, do not piss off an already angry MMP.

lieutenant winslow said...

MMP,

just so we're clear on this. you are not now, nor shall you EVER be forgiven for introducing me to the phrase "lemon party"

Monday Morning Punter said...

Winslow, how was that my fault?

BeaverFever said...

um, I really wished I hadn't gone over to the urban dictionary to look up the term "lemon party". btw, did naturalmevs get an invite to a lemon party ?

Grimey said...

Hey Clint, change your name back to "Clint." I almost didn't recognize you.

lieutenant winslow said...

least you didnt google it and click the 1st hit


from you fucking office computer

Monday Morning Punter said...

How's your Diamond Hogger Stephanie doing, Clint? Haven't seen that engagement countdown on your site in a while.

You didn't really think that engagement would make it that long, did you?

Pemulis said...

lemon party is the new meatspin

Pemulis said...

ummm i guess as a post script, meatspin is insanely nsfw... but i thought that was kind of a given

TheNaturalMevs said...

Not sure what you mean pecking order punter. What I've got, is better than your imaginary family.

Ookie's Army said...

Warm em up in the microwave? Nothing like a frozen burrito that has the scent of swamp balls and dookie.

Monday Morning Punter said...

What you've "got," sir, is a misplaced comma.

Where's the wedding? The Westerville YMCA? I don't remember getting an invite.

Free Pacman said...

If Couch is back to playing quarterback, who the fuck is going to clean the Wendy's bathrooms?

TheNaturalMevs said...

I'll send you an invite if you promise you'll bring your blow up doll as a date. We'll sit you at a table with the rest of your imaginary family. You'll be higher on our pecking order than you are in the KSK stable. Make fun of your hometown Cleveland some more, Dickbag.

Monday Morning Punter said...

I'm not from Cleveland. I am from Ohio, and I do share a blog with some very talented writers.

And just leave my name on the guest list. I'm living with my blowup doll right now and she doesn't like to give her address out.

Monday Morning Punter said...

And by "guest list," I meant "etched on the side of the barn in crayon."

TheNaturalMevs said...

I'll make my wedding guest list on a barn, when Tim Couch works at Kinkos dipshit. Sorry I didn't know the originating location of your imaginary kin. Carry on.

BeaverFever said...

fight, fight, fight !

brad said...

@ grungedave

Playmates must be high maintenance. He must have burnt through his whole signing bonus to keep her happy. Only reason for coming back, I suppose.

Is this a vote of "no confidence" for Quinn Gray?

Monday Morning Punter said...

Well, that was fun...

Unsilent Majority said...

Clint, go play with the commenters on your blog. It's been made abundantly clear that nobody cares what you have to say.

TheNaturalMevs said...

UM, mind your own you radical jerk off.

BeaverFever said...

so UM I take it your telling Clint to go play with himself.

lieutenant winslow said...

The room is startin' to spin real fast... cause of... cause of gayness.

Otto Man said...

I must be reading this wrong. Someone's getting defensive about Tim Couch?

Was there another Tim Couch in the NFL?

Pemulis said...

actually i think clint is one of the guys on meatspin

Monday Morning Punter said...

Mind you own...blog? I think he's doing just that.

Don't you have to walk into town for that trip to the General Store?

Otto Man said...

UM, mind your own you radical jerk off.

"Radical jerk off"? Is that where you fantasize about Emma Goldman?

Unsilent Majority said...

radical jerk off sounds like a hell of a band name.

seriously though, why are you here?

Monday Morning Punter said...

Yeah, I'm done. This is like reading Chaucer to a horse.

Josh Drimmer said...

thank god I don't have cubiclemates today, having clicked the third link and ended up looking at what was in the first "lemon party" link anyway, since they took a screenshot of it. goddamn you, punter.

Monday Morning Punter said...

At least now we know we have a viable deterrent. Well, we knew that already, but you can't beat the testimonials.

Seriously, guys, I'm really sorry about that.

TheNaturalMevs said...

Oh yeah, Columbus is hick central. You could really throw a stone through this town Punter. The facts are facts. You couldn't get laid if there was a Ulysses Grant hanging out of your jeans, you have an imaginary family, you're a role player on the blog, down on the pecking order & only ahead of Flubby, who's largely terrible.

(cue up Big Daddy Drew or UM coming to the defense in 3,2,1....)

Look at it this way, since I wrote in your comments you at least got more then the usual 8.

brad said...

Clint, Punter, I come to this site to laugh my ass off. I'm not interested in your need to see which one's joint is bigger. Take that shit somewhere else.

Brady Quinn and Jeff Garcia comparing their joints? Now THAT would be funny.

TheNaturalMevs said...

All was good until MMP's pussy started hurting over me saying that Tim Couch needs a Kinko's about as much as Punter needs another bill from a 1-800 #.

Pemulis said...

aren't 1-800 numbers free?

Unsilent Majority said...

Jesus Clint, nobody cares.

Shoopmonster said...

Why do you even come here Clint?

TheNaturalMevs said...

UM-have another buckwheat pancake or grit and keep up your strength.

Burnsy said...

People who swear to forever leave a blog and then make a new name to come back and comment again make me giggle.

BeaverFever said...

yeah, i see pemulis also caught the 1-800 # thing. last time i checked they were free. also, after all of this back and forth b.s. Tim Couch is still a shitty QB.

Unsilent Majority said...

"Why do you even come here Clint?"

because he's got no place else to go.

devang said...

Thanks for the trifecta that caused me to abandon my lunch:

1. Dirty laundry
2. Lemon Party (I still wanna hunt down 289 and...and..)
3. People who comment just to get some attention .

TheNaturalMevs said...

I like to come here when I'm bored, for 7th grade humor with a decent football post mixed in every once in a while. It's also amusing to see some of the authors salivate over Save the Steagles. I also like hearing about imaginary families, and exaggerated first hand accounts about people w/ real lives. Most of all, I like the angry mob of toadies that attack me like whoa every time I disagree with King Drew, Mrs. Punter, UM (whatever nationality he really is), and those two forgotten souls, Flub & Ape.

Chris said...

Clint did you get tired of www.meatspin.com all ready?



seriously nsfw for anyone but Clint

Ghost of Carl Monday said...

Columbus is a fine town for winners only.

/Ohio State Football before January
/Ohio State Basketball before April
/Columbus Destroyers before ArenaBowl.

TheNaturalMevs said...

Why doesn't Big Daddy Drew ever post pictures of himself? Just his stomach, or his hand holding a beer can, or him as a simpsons character.

I love the last comment on the Thanksgiving post.

http://kissmesuzy.blogspot.com/2006/11/big-daddy-drews-thanksgiving-itinerary.html

It made me laugh harder than anything else on this site. Check it out.

Burnsy said...

Enjoy the food and games, everybody? Yeah, I practically shattered a nut when I read that.

Monday Morning Punter said...

This is why I hate baseball.

flubby said...

Why doesn't Big Daddy Drew ever post pictures of himself?

Maybe because he wants you to find your own stroke material.

Unsilent Majority said...

Everybody knows I'm Salvadoran

TheNaturalMevs said...

Ah yes. And Flubby's terrible, short, and and unappreciated comment of the day makes it's way to the stage.

Flub, you shouldn't have blown your whole load in the comments. You gotta save your best stuff for the hard copy on the blog.

Sometimes I wish they'd do a "best of....Flubby" and list all his great posts. That'd be humor right up there with, mocking Jesus Christ in your avatar! Dude, you're hilarious! You're a winner Flub.

TheNaturalMevs said...

What is worse, Rob Iracane Blog or a Flubby post?

Kevin said...

yeah...lemon party is pretty bad, but it's still no tubgirl

Unsilent Majority said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unsilent Majority said...

It's been fun Clint, but your six readers must be worried about you by now.

Ghost of Carl Monday said...

UM - 7 readers. I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. needless to say, that number should be back down to six starting right..........................now.

fallex said...

Diamond Hoggers Simpsonized themselves for a post?

Brilliant! Where do they get their ideas?

TheNaturalMevs said...

Unsilent- If I have 1 reader or 10,000; we're not going to compare cock size that way. If I wrote because I wanted 'hits' that might bother me. Because you've won a popularity contest on the internet by doing some coat-tailing doesn't mean you know shit about football or that you're funny.

TheNaturalMevs said...

When all else fails, and you can't talk football because you know jack shit about it; you can always rely on making fun of God, Terry Schiavo, or the Challenger Shuttle! Hell that leaves you with Columbine, 9/11, and the VT Disaster. Yeah you're going to be going strong for a while.

Then you have:

Drew: bafoon-like dick jokes, imaginary family commentary, ego? wtf.

MMP: post that makes you say "what planet is this fucking guy from?"

Ape: he's mostly harmless.

Flubby: jumps in with a random 'gar gar gar gar' pointless rambling and draws a few comments because it's the cool thing to do.

Otto Man said...

If there's one thing Clint can recognize, it's someone who's clueless and not funny.

Otto Man said...

Drew: bafoon-like dick jokes, imaginary family commentary, ego? wtf.

Uh-oh. Clint's gone all Alex Forrest on his old mancrush. Hide the bunny, Drew.

And misspelling "buffoon"? Priceless.

TheNaturalMevs said...

Intelligent blog you have there, Otto. Aparently you, like me, could care less if anyone reads the shit. You'd rather have notoriety curling your tongue around KSK's balls.

flubby said...

What, no roast for Caveman? He thinks you're a fucking spare too.

TheNaturalMevs said...

Uh-oh. Clint's gone all Alex Forrest on his old mancrush. Hide the bunny, Drew.

And misspelling "buffoon"? Priceless.


Oh no, a misssspellll. Picking on spelling errors is about as weak of shit as making fun of Terry Schiavo.

No man crush on Drew. I used to enjoy his posts until he went all hollywood and forgot that like, he's still the equivalent of a Jersey dockworker away from the blog.

TheNaturalMevs said...

What, no roast for Caveman? He thinks you're a fucking spare too.

He's too emotional in his posts. That still doesn't come anywhere near your brutality levels flub. You better watch out, you're on the first list of cuts for KSK. You're that bad.

'Oh no, another fucking Flubby post?!? Time to go see what the weather is gonna be like tomorrow'

Otto Man said...

You'd rather have notoriety curling your tongue around KSK's balls.

Yes, the awesome notoreity of an anonymous sports blog commenter.

I may have to go lay down. All this power and fame is going to my head.

TheNaturalMevs said...

Flubby, did he email you that? Or did you guys chat about it on some IM service? It's hard for me to relate, cause me and my friends met in the real world, you know 3-D?

TheNaturalMevs said...

Flub I can't wait for your post today.

TheNaturalMevs said...

I challenge all KSK commenter teat suckers to find Flubby's best 3 posts. Please post them in this comment box. Do it now. Scavenger hunt galore.

Unsilent Majority said...

Clint, we're a humor blog, you have no business here. Go back to your blog and pretend to know shit about baseball while every other baseball blogger on the internet writes circles around that aborted joke you call a website.

Suicide is painless.

Slash said...

I've been to Ohio. It's a fine state. Very green, lots of trees. Cleveland was nice, for the approximately 30 minutes I was in it. Goddamn, that lake is huge.

RE underwear: microwave? That shit is disgusting. Go the dryer route with a fabric softener sheet for some fragrance, if you have to. Personally, I think it's more hygienic to go commando rather than wear dirty underpants. Just sayin'.

TheNaturalMevs said...

UM,

You're not funny though. Neither is Flubby. I wish you would have picked me for your little internet-ruboff-pop contest FF league and not a girl (because you think it could lead to....more). I'd love to see how little you really know about the sport you draw your 'humor' from.

TheNaturalMevs said...

UM football & humor knowledge= UM female anatomy knowledge

flubby said...

Sorry, you have to hit above the Mendoza line at Ohio Wesleyan to play in our league. :(

Slash said...

I like dick jokes. And making fun of Terri Schiavo. And mocking Jesus. Don't all those things make America great? I'd like to think so.

BeaverFever said...

Clint if know so much about football, why aren't you coaching it ? Surely your knowledge of the game could benefit some football program.

TheNaturalMevs said...

Yeah my batting average carried about as much notoriety as you do on here. If there was a batting average on football/blogging you'd be hitting wayyyyy below your weight on here ham-fingers.

Slash said...

I hope none of you have a mobile home.

And, I really miss Charles Nelson Reilly.

TheNaturalMevs said...

I like dick jokes. And making fun of Terri Schiavo. And mocking Jesus. Don't all those things make America great? I'd like to think so.

It's all fun and games till you're in hell. At least Flubby could be good at it or make the effort if he's going to do it.

Clint if know so much about football, why aren't you coaching it ? Surely your knowledge of the game could benefit some football program.

I didn't say I knew a lot about football. Plus I have a real job.

Unsilent Majority said...

Clint, one final question.

Why do you obsessively read a blog that you hate so much? I'm sure there are plenty of other sites out there that cater towards the victims of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Go heckle them.

Unsilent Majority said...

Plus I have a real job.

Well that's a lie

BeaverFever said...

Coaching football isn't a real job. I know a few guys that coach for a living. They might disagree with you.

TheNaturalMevs said...

I don't hate the blog UM, I hate the condescending little prick attitudes of you and your followers. You're just a pimple on the world's ass that is yet to be busted. Flubby is a step down from that, he's a blackhead that hasn't had two pencil erasers squeezed on each side. Quit acting like you're the shit, it's so juvenile son. If you ever do manage a real life girl and she finds this, you'll want to hide.

TheNaturalMevs said...

Coaching football isn't a real job. I know a few guys that coach for a living. They might disagree with you.
I don't disagree. The places I'm qualified to coach football at aren't real jobs.

J.L. White said...

Okay, you can cut it out now. I'm laughing so much, I'm going to be late for work. We all know this can't be real; obviously Clint (played by Thenaturalmevs) is not real, and it's actually Ufford who's posting in his stead. C'mon, such an oblivious douchebag can't possibly be real, so let's just rip off the mask, Scooby Doo-style, and move on.

Chuckles said...

You're not going to make us start doing a list of our favorite Terri Schiavo and Challenger jokes, are you Clint?

TheNaturalMevs said...

Well that's a lie

No it's the truth. Doesn't mean I'm any good at it but I do have a job. A real life, great one.

TheNaturalMevs said...

Okay, you can cut it out now. I'm laughing so much, I'm going to be late for work. We all know this can't be real; obviously Clint (played by Thenaturalmevs) is not real, and it's actually Ufford who's posting in his stead. C'mon, such an oblivious douchebag can't possibly be real, so let's just rip off the mask, Scooby Doo-style, and move on.

Have fun at work. Meet you in the virtual bar, for virtual happy hour with the KSK editors later ;)

Captain Caveman said...

Clint, I'd appreciate it if you left me out of this.

Jackin'4Beats said...

This is boring. And Clint needs to go back to selling Amway products so he can keep his "blog" open.

TheNaturalMevs said...

Clint, I'd appreciate it if you left me out of this.


I believe I did. Flubbles brought you up.

Ghost of Carl Monday said...

VT Disaster?

did something happen in Vermont?

/late to the party

becky said...

ahhhhh first year of law school, when we used to send the lemon party link to unsuspecting classmates so whoever was sitting behind them would think they were a degenerate freak.
sadly, did not help point out the REAL degenerate freaks. I had to find them on my own, thank you very much.

/later to the party.

jmorrisking said...

I think I just saw our boy Clint blogging like a madman while he made sure my Baconator value meal was "biggie sized" well done old chap!!

Jackin'4Beats said...

Clint is on the right.