Wednesday, August 29, 2007

That’s Right. It’s John Moynahan, You Heartless Bastard


Oh Tom, look! It’s a boy! We had a boy! Or, to be more accurate, I had a boy. You didn’t do jack shit. He’s mine. All mine. In fact, I just came up with his name. I think you’re gonna like it. It’s John Edward Thomas Moynahan.

That’s right. John Moynahan, you heartless bastard. No Brady for you. Oh, were you hoping to continue your name on through future generations? Well then, you better start riding Gisele bareback, if you aren't already, you negligent prick. You don’t even get the middle name to yourself! Ha! I’m making you share it. In fact, I put Edward first in the middle name pecking order, just to piss you off.

No man betrays the Bridge and gets away with it.

In fact, I’m gonna make sure he grows up to be nothing like you. He’ll be generous, and responsible. And you know what else he’ll be? Gay. That’s right. I’m gonna raise him to be super gay. Positively flaming. Know why he’s named John? It’s after Johnny Weir. I’m gonna dress him in girly clothes, make him watch hours of Bette Midler movies, and send him to performing arts school. He’ll be hitting London discotheques by age 11. Shit, he'll be gayer than Hugh Jackman. And there ain’t shit you can do it about, you lecherous fiend.

Oh, did you want him to play football? Sorry. No football in the Moynahan household. No, I think he’ll be playing lacrosse. Lots and lots of lacrosse. He won’t care about touchdowns and fly patterns, because he’ll be too busy prancing around a field twirling a basket on a stick. Suck on that.

It could have been different. I’m no slouch in the looks department, my man. But noooooo, you had to have it all. You had to go trotting around the globe with that little fucking Brazilian strumpet you call a girlfriend. Think you can just knock me up, avoid the altar, and then keep living the high life, do you? "Oh, let's do it without condoms, Bridge! You won't get pregnant if we do it standing up!" Liar. Time to pay the piper.

So say hello to John Edward Thomas MOYNAHAN. Hope you like seeing him in pink onesies, you fucker.

46 comments:

Otto Man said...

John Edward Thomas Moynahan.

"J-E-T-M! Jetm! Jetm! Jetm!"

Getting back at Tom through an AFC East rival is just cold.

Matt said...

So...

Chipper Jones names his kid Shea after Shea Stadium because he owns the Mets.

Tom Brady's kid is named after the Jets because he owns the Jets.

Who's going to name their kid Islander? We're 2 for 3 here, let's complete the shitty NY sports team trifecta.

Slash said...

I still love the "things going into or coming out of bridget moynahan" tag. Inspired.

Grimey said...

Looks like Tom will need to learn some text messaging skills from Brian Urlacher

Chris said...

I think the only fair way to settle this is twelve round of naked jello wrestling between Bridgette and Giselle.

Weed Against Speed said...

To be fair to Bridget, Tom does get every other weekend and one overnight every week with the placenta.

Brian said...

Well, Jim Brown was one of the greatest lacrosse players of all time and goodness knows he wasn't a very good football player, right?

Unsilent Majority said...

That comment would make total sense if anyone had made the argument that great lacrosse players cannot be great football players.

Pemulis said...

/adds matt to murder list.

kriswood417 said...

That post is probably dead on. Like the old saying goes - Hell hath no fury like a women scorned...or worse - a hot women scorned....worse still - a hot pregnant women scorned....worse than that? - a hot single mother scorned and the scorner is now dated an even hotter Brazilian supermodel. Ouch! I don't know if that much female anger can be mesured with current technology. I know one thing - Tom Brady...will...pay....dearly. In the immortal words of Kanye West - She got one of yo kids, got you for 18 years.

Wormfather said...

...and on the 18th birthday found out it wasnt his!

Oh and @pemulis +1

WV: pabcxba
at fist glance looked like Pay bakc's a bitch.

twoeightnine said...

Who's going to name their kid Islander? We're 2 for 3 here, let's complete the shitty NY sports team trifecta.

Why stop with three? There's plenty of shitty NYC teams to go around.

Franklin said...

Isn't Tom's full name Thomas Edward Brady? Therefore he did get the middle name. Not to be a dick and point that out...oh wait I did mean to be a dick.

El Duffo O Muerte said...

You mean women CAN get pregnant if you do it standing up? I can't believe that Vietnamese prostitute lied to me.

Peter McSheisty said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

I'm going to name my kid "'05 Madden Jaguars"

The Dude said...

"Dear Henry, last night with you was bliss. I fear my orgasm has left me a cripple. I don't know how I shall ever get back to work.

I love you madly,
John

PS. Love the cabin"

The Last Dragon said...

I think putting up a poster of daddy hugging a goat would be sure fire way of turning little John gay.

Joe said...

Hey fucktards. If the implication is that lacrosse is a pansy sport, that couldn't be further from the truth. Other than that I laughed my ass off at this post.

Lizzy said...

Shoulda named the bastard Peyton.

Franklin said...

Joe, Calm down and keep twirling your basket...nancy

S said...

Fuckin' lacrosse players. NOTICE: nobody outside of rich assholes on the eastern seaboard gives a flying fuck about lacrosse.

Go pop your collar somewhere else, douche.

casserolemistake said...

Wow, Johnny Weir, wow.

Women are mean, just like those racist jezebels over at RacistJezebelSportsBlog.

And defending lacrosse is on par with defending your right to give bathroom bjs for coke...eh, more than likely adderall.

Upstate Underdog said...

some of these comments have the making of a football/lacrosse flame war. FoLaFlaWa ?

Pemulis said...

Wasn't Lacrosse created to satiate the boys who wanted to play field hockey?

Wormfather said...

Pemulis, you are on fucking fire.

flubby said...

It's not that lacrosse is innately a pansy sport, it's just that most of the people who play it happen to be pansies.

Upstate Underdog said...

rugby = tougher than lacrosse.

Dreamboat Baby said...

I like my name. It has more letters in it than the entire modern English alphabet. Plus I have three different first names. Sort of the way Jesus had a ton of names, but they all meant the same thing. What’s the expression? - all rivers lead to the sea… or all conversations with Maroney lead to the construda.. or something like that. I can’t remember that second one exactly, but I’m sure I read it somewhere. Probably the Bible.

leaf said...

Lacrosse is the sport for those too tight-assed toi accept the contact associated with soccer

Matt said...

@289:

You're right.

Who's naming their kid Madison after MSG? Maybe Chris Drury, fucking traitor.

twoeightnine said...

It's not that lacrosse is innately a pansy sport, it's just that most of the people who play it happen to be pansies.

Damn straight. The fucking Iroquois will scalp yo' ass.*


*Assuming that you don't have smallpox or gunpowder.

Permanent4 said...

Meanwhile, Gisele was overheard singing, "The Bridge Is Over. The Bridge Is Over. BIDDY-BYE-BYE!"

The Last Dragon said...

You know lacrosse players are gay. The guys at Duke couldn't even throw a stripper party correctly.

The Pirate Sloth said...

We need more posts with the "things going into or coming out of bridget moynahan" tag. Seriously.

Joe said...

crying softly...tears dripping onto picture of Brady Quinn..."Brady where did I go wrong, how come I'm not a real man like you?" Damn you lacrosse.

Jay Byers said...

everything more strenuous than needlepoint = tougher than lacrosse.

Fixed it for you

Franklin said...

Joe - Only a Lacrosse player would hold the pansiest football player in such high regard. You would have been better off worshipping a kicker or Eli.

smeos said...

While I'm not a big fan, I will say that box lacrosse (played in hockey arenas) is one of the most violent sports I've ever seen.

But only when played by Indians. Feathers, not dots.

It's like 500 years of repressed rage coming out in 60 minute doses.

Ryan said...

Who finishes their career with more incomplete pass contraceptions, Brady or Leinart? Leinart should be the odds on favorite, but Brady has the lead.

I can't wait for PHIN, BILL, and ofcourse COLT.

Jay Byers said...

Now I look at it, damn thems some titties.

deafjeff said...

I live near the Seneca Rez. Go watch a game there. Absolutely crazy violent. Beat the shit out of each other with sticks. And when someone goes down, he don't get back up after a squirt from the "magic" water bottle like futbol fags.

twoeightnine said...

Buffalo's taking over the joint. Solid. It ain't get no better than solid.

Big M said...

as a lacrosse player ill agree its not tougher then football but you ever see the goalies? geting metal core balls shot at you at 90 MPH with a chest peice,helemt and gloves only.

casserolemistake said...

Who finishes their career with more incomplete pass contraceptions, Brady or Leinart? Leinart should be the odds on favorite, but Brady has the lead.

not quite. i think Hollywood knocked up a hot female basketball player (i know, but seriously) at USC. i think the kid is somewhere between being born and graduating high school but it's older than Brady's.

plus, Brady's still gay. why else would he be banging Giselle but to get to Leo or at least some of his leftover stank?

Drizztdj said...

Sudoku Puzzles are most of sport then Lacrosse.