Thursday, August 2, 2007

A Metaphorical Representation Of Trent Green’s Pass Protection


Tiger Shark Destroys Turtle - Watch more free videos

As you probably already know, it’s Shark Week this week, and thank God for that, because there ain’t shit else on TV this month. I just wish they’d stop trying to make every shark-related special educational. Is there a more overly researched animal in the universe than the shark? Listen, there’s only so much we can learn from sharks. I’m pretty sure over $2 billion in federal grant research has been spent on studying sharks, and that they’ve only learned three things:

1. Sharks never sleep
2. Sometimes sharks feel like eating humans, and sometimes they do not
3. Sharks are fucking badass

That’s it, really. There isn’t much more to them. Sharks don’t hold the key to finding cold fusion or the cure for AIDS. Scientists just like studying them because they fucking rule, and it beats studying algae. Oooh, what are their mating habits? Oooh, how far will they swim in one year? Who fucking cares? You're not getting us any closer to a flying car worrying about pointless minutiae like this, scienticians. Quit wasting my tax money lounging around in a boat. 700 other TV crews are already there at Seal Island. They've got it covered, okay? Get your nerdy ass back in the lab and do some real work.

The other night I watched Les Stroud feed a group of sharks a turkey, a ham, and a side of ribs. He said he did it to give us clues as to how sharks feed. Bullshit. I say he did it to watch ol’ Jaws throw down some baby backs, because that is crazy fun. And no one can tell me otherwise. Drop the facade, Discovery Channel. Quit with the marine biologists and expensive re-enactments. Just start airing a special called, "Sharks Fucking Shit Up Because They're Awesome."

Oh, and the above video? It’s a shark devouring a turtle. Oooh, what amazing new discoveries will be made from this video? None. Only that it sucks to be you, turtle. Adios, fucko.

Thanks to reader Sean H. for the link.

25 comments:

Otto Man said...

What's the over/under on how long Trent Green's season lasts this year before his bell is rung harder than Gerry Cooney's? Week 3?

At least they have Cleo Lemon waiting in the wings. I hear that guy knows how to party. Seriously, just Google "lemon party" and you'll see what I mean.

Tom said...

Thanks a lot Drew you fucking asshole. Couldn't hold back the laughter and now the boss is shooting me a dirty look.

Jarrett Carter said...

Everybody is digging sharks lately.

Wonder why pit bull maulings never caught on?

BeaverFever said...

shark 1, turtle 0.
researchers have also learned that sharks have very sharp teeth and lots of them.

wf:thplow

Tom said...

Awww. The trent green title was gold.

Burnsy said...

I hate being a Dolphins fan.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Eh shit. I'll change it back.

Uncle Ted said...

I love sharks with all of my body (including my pee-pee).

The Jay said...

I like it when sharks unexpectedly eat loud, slightly overrated black actors in the middle of reciting dramatic, inspirational stories of survival. Irony kicks ass.

Grimey said...

Someone should show Gilbert Arenas this video.

That turtle LIVES there, Gil.

TheAntiFollicle said...

Shark week had a show on last night where the scientician was feeding the sharks while standing in the water with them. Then one shark took off 80% of his calf. That I will pay my taxes for.

J.E. said...

This Shark Week preview fucking blows.

/HeavyPettingZoo

samsquantch said...

Where's my god damned JETPACK? It's 2007, I was promised a JETPACK!

Otto Man said...

I knew Clint was full of shit, but a half hour? One of his co-workers at Wendy's should check the stall to be sure he didn't blow out an o-ring.

devang said...

@Otto man

Let's just not give the guy any more attention. He'll go away soon enough.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Awwwwwwwwwwww I like turtles. They're almost as slow as us sloths.

That was sad.

But at the same time, that was fucking awesome. Now lets put that Tiger Shark up against that 6' octopus at the Seattle Aquarium and see who talks shit afterwards.

Otto Man said...

Sorry, devang. He's like a sore tooth I can't stop touching.

Permanent4 said...

I am so sending this video to my annoying co-worker when Maryland gets knocked out of the ACC Tournament.

gerry dorsey said...

i'm gonna start underground shark fighting at a house owned by an nfl buddy of mine with a huge indoor pool. and if any of those motherfuckers don't fight........

Chris said...

Is it possible Collin Cowheard and Clint are related? That would explain a lot.

MaxwellDemon said...

Permanent4--oh word. That there's the most fucked up terrapin this side of Len Bias.

downrightnashty said...

Sharks are studied so much because they're just about the only animal that doesn't get cancer.

But even without that, sharks are still badass.

Dave the Wave said...

'or the cure for AIDS'


so..you're saying that ole sausage stuffing UM gets no stay of execution?

Greg Schuler said...

See, that was really Les Stroud throwing stuff in for the sharks to eat. If it had been Bear Grylls, it would have been edited, or some shark dude would have cleaned up afterwards.

Fraud. I need Bear to show us how to suirvive a feeding frenzy - just in case I ever decide to jump into the ocean when fifty sharks are swimming around eating.

Monty said...

You'd think that such a rad animal would have more than one major pro sports team and zero college teams named for it. I mean, c'mon there's like a hundred variations of "Cardinals".