Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Another Maddenoliday Miracle


Scoff all you want that Maddenoliday is just another holiday fabricated by Proctor & Gamble in order to sell trinkets and moon pies. I know better. EA Sports and Tiburon are beneficent forces in this world and one day you, too, shall understand.

Madden has become a cultural totem in the sense that people with little knowledge of football and video games can use it as a means to belittle those who do. And we need that. Without cultural shorthand, we'd actually have to try things before dismissing them as ridiculous.

It's also a pretty fun game.

In the days when I was dewy-eyed, filled with wonder and had disposable income, I would reserve my copy of Madden in advance, not realizing that if you just went to Toys 'R' Us on the release date, they had 38 copies available while all the Herbs were clamoring at gaming stores.

But I miss the connection that only comes with rampant consumerism and misplaced priorities. So, to commune with my fellow Maddenites, last night before the midnight release I went to the nearest videogamery, which is the Gamestop on Duke Street in Alexandria, Va.

When I arrived at 10 p.m. to behold the assembled dregs, there were only two guys waiting outside the store. Hardly the throng I expected. One was a short, squat black guy in a Jason Campbell jersey. I thought it might have been the Maj, but he was carrying less than an ounce of weed.

The gate barring the front door was shuttered but you could see the store employees milling around inside.

I asked if they knew whether they'd reopen at midnight to sell the game. One of them said the store would start taking money at 10:10 and people would have to come back at midnight, because the store wouldn't want to do any of that direct money for goods shit.

A store employee peeked through the gate to tell the guy they were moving it back to 10:15.

"Okay, okay, I'm gonna wait here," he told the clerk. "So you better open up at 15. 'Cause if you're not open at 10:15, I'm calling Alexandria poe-lease and report you."

After four minutes I decided I'd had enough.

I didn't take any pictures of the two guys but on the way back I snapped this one of a humorously named Chinese carryout near my home.

Oh, and I think this Madden has gang tackles or something. And a roster update, which is all most of us ask of it. Excelsior!

34 comments:

Rick Muscles said...

Wow, borowing from Bill SImmons, creative article.

Mitch Kayak said...

Does the Ho King only use white meat?

Otto Man said...

Madden has gang tackles?

What a coincidence. The prison I went to had the same thing.

Biggus Rickus said...

That pic reminds me why I've never been to Minnesota.

Matt said...

A fat chick that's a fan of an NFC North team?

Surely you jest.

K-Rock said...

i hope the new england playbook has PA streaks so i can get a guaranteed 50+ yards every play to randy moss. just like the old days of culpepper to moss on madden '04, except this time without immoral forms of birth control

lieutenant winslow said...

nothing like starting your day with a pale flabby russian nesting doll

Josh said...

Bill Simmons is the only person allowed to write about one of the best-selling video games in America?

Unsilent Majority said...

Bill Simmons copyrighted the words "Madden" and "holiday"

When do we start the airing of grievances?

Captain Caveman said...

Bill Simmons TOTALLY wrote on the Internet first.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Why'd you have to use that pic of my sister?

Matt said...

Well Drew, at least you don't have to worry about anyone actually fucking your sister.

Sober, at least.

Matt said...

"Lifeway Fellowship Church"?

I remember when church girls were hot.

And when you took them into the confessional and made whoopee.

Wormfather said...

You know your shit is fucked up when your...

1. A football fan
2. Own a PS3
3. Have disposable income

and yet...had no idea that Madden was out. Fuck, I would have totally taken the day off.

Seeing as how I'm horible at faking sick once at work, I'm going to have to poison my boss so he goes home then head out after him.

Ken Dynamo said...

Hae Been > Ho King

Burnsy said...

Dude, Probably have, Probably have

Calvin's got a job said...

59-18?? Really punter? thats a straight up ass whooping... What were the teams?

naptown drew said...

Just for the record:

dude, NO!, NO!, NO!

My Insignificant Life said...

Judging from the picture, the Vikings cut their last best hope for a solid line.

MN DUDE said...

Tortoise and the Hair in Crystal City is the new offical bar of the Vikings in the DC region. Supposedly they bought the old Stars and Stripes bar and are completely overhauling the bar and making it a much better place to watch the Vikes win 5 games this year!

GFunk said...

Dear God what is that thing...

Ken Dynamo said...

how bullshit is the cyrstal city restaurant? pasties? pathetic.

farris said...

Nick Mangold's other sister.

Happy Fun Miles said...

Wasn't she on the love boat, hanging off Daunte's arm?

dick_gozinia said...

For her sake, I hope she doesn't actually PLAY with the Vikings on Madden. She's never gonna win. And if my skimming was accurate, nobody even bothered to make a Willy Wonka reference. For shame.

@UM - I got a lotta problems with you people!

Christmas Ape said...

Calvin:

I was the Eagles. Punter was the Colts.

Chamomiles Davis said...

Bit anorexic for a Midwestern sports fan, isn't she?

JAMMQ said...

Anyone who uses the Colts in Madden, or roots for them in real life= gay.

5150 said...

Colts FTW!

jmorrisking said...

I see these girls every weekend in my club...they are bumpin and grindin and the little Spanish guys are right behind them trying to hold on for dear life...Its like a rodeo with a little more mooing going on.

Wormfather said...

I havnt had an undefeted season with the Jets since madden '02

/sob

Landru said...

Now I know where you live, bitch. But it's not like I'd cross the river to take a shot at you. That's too much work.

Landru said...

And I'd have Virginia all over me.

The word: ishoujze. I'm pretty sure that's karmically meaningful, there.

Gorilla said...

Cute fat chicks who like football and video games?

I'm in! (no shame)