Thursday, August 9, 2007

KSK 2007 NFL Season Prekkake: Oakland Raiders


Five Fast Facts About the Raiders:

-JaMarcus Russell's mother is insisting that if he's gonna stay at her house during his contract dispute, he better change outta that one all-black suit he's been wearing since April.

-It was speculated that Lane Kiffin, who at 32 is the league's youngest coach, released center and long-snapper Adam Treu because Kiffin doesn't want anyone on the roster to be close to his age or older. Owner Al Davis decided this was sound policy, fired no one ever again.

-Dominic Rhodes is only now beginning to realize why Edgerrin James kept sending him repeated "nnnooooo don't tk bg monee from shitty tms w/ no linez" texts during the off-season.

-The Raiders are still the only AFC team this decade to lose a Super Bowl. In other news, the Raiders went to a Super Bowl this decade? Really? No foolin'?

-Despite fielding a team with Warren Sapp and JaMarcus Russell, it's Mike Williams' weight problem that is troubling the Raiders.

Projected 2007 Record:
5-11

Actual 2007 Record:
0-13-3 (Defense pitches three shutouts. Offense doesn't score all season.)


Since going to that aforementioned Super Bowl in the 2002 season, the Raiders are 15-49 during their last four seasons, representing the worst stretch in franchise history. And there is little indication that things are on the upswing. Sure, the defense is stout, but not good enough to win games on its own.

Their head coach is younger than two of our writers and about a half dozen of his own players. They possess no proven reliable receivers and the running back they signed in the offseason is probably their best blocker.

And they're in Oakland.

Of course, this is the part where I segue to some auspicious moment heralding the coming uplift. A breaking of the clouds that lights the way to a new day, where wins pile high and Daunte Culpepper is nowhere to be found. And the thing to usher in that new day is...

...

...

is...

...

well, Michael Bush could be okay.

24 comments:

smeos said...

Things have to get better, because no Quarterback ever selected No. 1 has bombed horribly after a long holdout from training camp.

What's that, you say? Tim Couch?

doug_plank said...

Al Davis actually sleeps in bandages like that picture of the the Tusken Raider.

Keeps him looking youthful.

Otto Man said...

I just spent the last three hours mopping up a wet basement so we could relight our water heater.

As a Chiefs fan, nothing takes the edge off like reading about the general shititude of the Raiders.

Smello said...

Perhaps I'm actually lucky that my Raiders don't get televised here in NY every week. That's the only bright side I can come up with.

/hangs head & whimpers slightly/

BeaverFever said...

@OttoMan been there done that. My basement flooded when the sump pump shit the bed overnight earlier this spring. the pilot light would relight but not stay lit and I needed a new hot water heater.

Jackin'4Beats said...

The Raiders won't stop being shitty until Al Davis dies so I guess we've got at least another 10-15 years of shittiness to make fun of or at least until Tom Cruise's witchcraft wears off and he just turns into dust.

BeaverFever said...

thanks Ape. I think we all know what I'm thanking him for.

devang said...

@beaverfever

I concur.

flubby said...

Okay, so I'm not as young as Lane Kiffin, or as famous, or as rich, or as successful, or as good-looking...

...damn, forgot where I was going with this.

Otto Man said...

Thanks for the support, beaverfever. Luckily, we're renting, so if it's a new heater, it's the landlord's problem.

I just heard a friend of mine had the rainwater coming out of his toilet. All things considered, I'll take the flooded basement.

Wormfather said...

When the hell are we getting the NY Jets Prekakke?


Not that I'm a fan or anything.

NDub said...

@ thenaturalmevs: SNAP!

Does anyone really think Al Davis can live for another 10 years? I mean, the guy is so decrepite. He looks like the Crypt Keepers from Tales from the Crypt. That monstrous character popping out of the casket is like Davis popping out of his luxury suite.

Wookie said...

I thought the pictured Raiders were supposed to come back and with bigger numbers?

Worst. Analogy. Ever.

Robocats said...

Al Davis is looking slightly better than he did last time I saw him. Why the fuck is he holding that gaffi stick though?

Edmond said...

Who's older, Emperor Palpatine or Al Davis?

Otto Man said...

Who's older, Emperor Palpatine or Al Davis?

Trick question, for they are one and the same.

YourTaxDollarsAtWork said...

We’ve been over this time and time again. Al Davis fucking died the day the lost the Super Bowl and it’s been like Weekend at Bernie’s in the owners box for the last 4 years.

Unsilent Majority said...

No way. Jonathan Silverman would have run the team much more effectively.

peytonloveskenny said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
peytonloveskenny said...

This is completely off-topic, but I went to DJ Gallo's book signing in Harrisburg tonight. It turns out he lives in the same town I do just outside Harrisburg (in case anybody wanted to know why the hell he was doing a signing in Harrisburg). Anyway, when he was answering somebody's question, he mentioned that there are a lot of good blogs out there, but the only one he mentioned by name was Kissing Suzy Kolber.

Jarrett Carter said...

Not pictured - Daunte Culpepper drawing up a contract that will formally transfer the "get your roll on" taunt to JaMarcus Russell in exchange for several X-Box memory cards.

Rick Muscles said...

i heard Russell wants 30 mil guaranteed 60 overall. I don't think Brady gets paid that much, but I think he makes up for it in pussy and suits. I am kind of glad Sapp came in less of a fat ass, I guess that should help out Kiffin. What is the over under on him getting fired? I'm saying by game 7 of next year, they'll be waving money under Urban Meyer's nose. That would be some good shit.

YourTaxDollarsAtWork said...

How the hell did anyone fail to mention that Pacman was wrestling tonight? Am I the only asshat here to be excited by this? Is he gonna Make It Rain™? My night isn’t gonna be complete unless the Rogg shows up and smacks his ass with a folding chair.

YourTaxDollarsAtWork said...

Well, I was lied to…. I sat through that shit and no Pacman….. Think I’ll drink till I can’t feel feelings any more…