Thursday, August 30, 2007

KSK 2007 NFL Season Prekakke: New York Jets


Five Fast Facts About The Jets:

-Tackle D’Brickashaw Ferguson is often forced to give piggyback rides to Chinese tourists who confuse his first name with an advertisement for personal transport.
-Multi-purpose threat Brad Smith will be expected to perform many duties during the season: throwing passes, running the ball, catching the ball, returning kicks, and becoming as overrated as Antwaan Randle El.
-You of course know that center Nick Mangold’s sister Holley is a 300-lb. high school player. What you don’t know is that Mangold has a second sister named Rotunda who just finished up a summer internship as a retaining wall.
-Linebacker Jonathan Vilma is the lesbian lovechild of Velma Dinkley and Wilma Flintstone.
-Andre Wadsworth’s comeback bid with the Jets will come to a tragic end when he accidentally manages to gouge out his right eye with a washcloth.

Ten Yards Of Awkwardness With: Kerry Rhodes!


During our 2007 NFL preview, I’ll be “chatting” with a player from each team. For the Jets, it’s strong safety, Louisville grad, and flubby wet dream subject Kerry Rhodes.

Big Daddy Drew: Kerry, thanks for sitting down with us.
Kerry Rhodes: My pleasure.

Drew: You were ranked a stunning 29th on Peter King’s list of the 500 best NFL players, ahead of Steven Jackson, Larry Johnson, Bart Scott, and many others. What did you do for King for such favorable placement? Were anal beads involved?
Rhodes: I didn’t do anything.

Drew: Nosetackle Dwayne Robertson was once called, “Baby Sapp”. Was this because he too could swallow a rotisserie chicken whole?
Rhodes: No.

Drew: I don’t think of Robertson as a bust, so much as a gigantic, flaming dirigible explosion. Agreed?
Rhodes: No.

Drew: Many QB’s have to wear red jerseys in practice. Since Kimo von Oelhoffen is on your team, are they required to wear red pants, socks, and shoes as well?
Rhodes: No.

Drew: Jets fans are known for their creative, and often intricate chants. Do you think the chant, “J-E-T-S Jets! Jets! Jets!” is easily understood by the common man? Or is it too clever by half?
Rhodes: I don’t know.

Drew: If Chad Pennington were to make whipped cream by hand, would his arm fall off completely, or would it just kinda hang there?
Rhodes: I don’t know.

Drew: Did you know The Big Lead is gay for Thomas Jones?
Rhodes: No.

Drew: I’d tell Thomas to keep away. Anyone who still watches “The Wonder Years” probably also owns a cat.
Rhodes: Okay.

Drew: Laveranues Coles was abused by his stepfather at a young age. And I think he was pretty brave to come out and admit in public. Why do you think so many other athletes are unwilling to speak out the way Coles has?
Rhodes: What?

Drew: Oh, shit. I’m sorry. I got my notes mixed up with Andrea Kremer’s for a moment. My apologies. Coach Eric Mangini is notoriously rough on players for disclosing injuries to the public. Do you think he made Coles run wind sprints after his admission?
Rhodes: No. That would be horrible.

Drew: I heard Mangini is so discreet about injuries that he didn’t bury his own grandfather when he died, and that he currently keeps him in an armoire in his basement. True?
Rhodes: No.

Drew: Marques Tuiasosopo: do you really need him?
Rhodes: Yes.

Drew: Will you consider kissing me?
Rhodes: No.

Drew: Come on, man! A Jet who doesn’t want to kiss people? That’s crap.
Rhodes: Tough

Drew: Kerry, thanks again.
Rhodes: You’re very welcome.

16 comments:

Wormfather said...

At first I couldnt wait for the Jets Preview, then I was exited, then I saw the pic used, then I read the article.

Conclusion: I wish I had waited a little bit longer.

flubby said...

Sorry, what was that? I was lost in Kerry Rhodes' dreamy eyes.

Christmas Ape said...

Anyone who still watches “The Wonder Years” probably also owns a cat.

Luckily it doesn't work the other way around.

Wormfather said...

BTW, that link the big lead, jesus christ that dude is jacked.

JAMMQ said...

Additional little known facts about the Jets:

-Coach Eric Mangini splices footage of his guest appearance on The Sopranos into the team's film sessions.

-G.M. Mike Tannenbaum does not take more than three steps without stopping and counting the pennies in his pocket.

-Jet Quarterback Chad Pennington sucks only marginally less than fellow Marshall alum Byron Leftwich.

-Jets Owner Woody Johnson not only agreed to continue having the Jets play in Giants Stadium for the next decade, but also agreed to allow Giants players "sack time" with Jet players wives.

-Thomas Jones actually thought he was signing with the other New York team.

-The Jets are unable to field a cheerleading squad because of the dirth of attractive women in New Jersay, but instead have created a "flight crew" to bring "additional energy and enthusiasm to each home game(played in Giants Stadium)."

JAMMQ said...

Sorry, link doesn't work. So before people bitch here it is.


http://www.newyorkjets.com/fan_zone/flight_crew

Otto Man said...

I heard Chad Pennington's arms are the secret ingredient in Skyline Chili.

No wonder it tastes like shit.

Robut M. Nixon said...

Drew: Oh, shit. I’m sorry. I got my notes mixed up with Andrea Kremer’s for a moment. My apologies. Coach Eric Mangini is notoriously rough on players for disclosing injuries to the public. Do you think he made Coles run wind sprints after his admission?

I lol'd.

/Jets fan

Robut M. Nixon said...

jammq--if I had 3 wishes, the first would be the Jets getting their own stadium in NY. I can wait a little longer, I suppose.

Oh, and if you were wondering, the second wish is to watch Woody Johnson slow-roasted over an open flame. Cowardly money-grubbing asshole.

Pemulis said...

i always thought it would be kind of awesome if they got the west side stadium. and now that i dont live in the city i really wish they had gotten it.

Jay Byers said...

-You of course know that center Nick Mangold’s sister Holley is a 300-lb. high school player. What you don’t know is that Mangold has a second sister named Rotunda who just finished up a summer internship as a retaining wall.

That's the first fact to make me laugh out loud, many congratumalations.

liquid_d said...

Holly Mangold sound like the name of a James Bond Chick... a very beefy James Bond chick

Mike said...

J-E-T-S Jets, Je-

Oh, never mind. I hope Chad's arm does fall off. We want K-Clem!

James said...

hahaha echoing jay's comment, but that retaining wall crack was funny

Scott said...

Holly Mangold loves the cock, and by cock I mean vagina, and by vagina I mean giant black cock.

Matt said...

- Rich Kotite did in fact bang your mom.