Five Fast Facts About The Jets:
-Tackle D’Brickashaw Ferguson is often forced to give piggyback rides to Chinese tourists who confuse his first name with an advertisement for personal transport.
-Multi-purpose threat Brad Smith will be expected to perform many duties during the season: throwing passes, running the ball, catching the ball, returning kicks, and becoming as overrated as Antwaan Randle El.
-You of course know that center Nick Mangold’s sister Holley is a 300-lb. high school player. What you don’t know is that Mangold has a second sister named Rotunda who just finished up a summer internship as a retaining wall.
-Linebacker Jonathan Vilma is the lesbian lovechild of Velma Dinkley and Wilma Flintstone.
-Andre Wadsworth’s comeback bid with the Jets will come to a tragic end when he accidentally manages to gouge out his right eye with a washcloth.
Ten Yards Of Awkwardness With: Kerry Rhodes!
During our 2007 NFL preview, I’ll be “chatting” with a player from each team. For the Jets, it’s strong safety, Louisville grad, and flubby wet dream subject Kerry Rhodes.
Big Daddy Drew: Kerry, thanks for sitting down with us.
Kerry Rhodes: My pleasure.
Drew: You were ranked a stunning 29th on Peter King’s list of the 500 best NFL players, ahead of Steven Jackson, Larry Johnson, Bart Scott, and many others. What did you do for King for such favorable placement? Were anal beads involved?
Rhodes: I didn’t do anything.
Drew: Nosetackle Dwayne Robertson was once called, “Baby Sapp”. Was this because he too could swallow a rotisserie chicken whole?
Drew: I don’t think of Robertson as a bust, so much as a gigantic, flaming dirigible explosion. Agreed?
Drew: Many QB’s have to wear red jerseys in practice. Since Kimo von Oelhoffen is on your team, are they required to wear red pants, socks, and shoes as well?
Drew: Jets fans are known for their creative, and often intricate chants. Do you think the chant, “J-E-T-S Jets! Jets! Jets!” is easily understood by the common man? Or is it too clever by half?
Rhodes: I don’t know.
Drew: If Chad Pennington were to make whipped cream by hand, would his arm fall off completely, or would it just kinda hang there?
Rhodes: I don’t know.
Drew: Did you know The Big Lead is gay for Thomas Jones?
Drew: I’d tell Thomas to keep away. Anyone who still watches “The Wonder Years” probably also owns a cat.
Drew: Laveranues Coles was abused by his stepfather at a young age. And I think he was pretty brave to come out and admit in public. Why do you think so many other athletes are unwilling to speak out the way Coles has?
Drew: Oh, shit. I’m sorry. I got my notes mixed up with Andrea Kremer’s for a moment. My apologies. Coach Eric Mangini is notoriously rough on players for disclosing injuries to the public. Do you think he made Coles run wind sprints after his admission?
Rhodes: No. That would be horrible.
Drew: I heard Mangini is so discreet about injuries that he didn’t bury his own grandfather when he died, and that he currently keeps him in an armoire in his basement. True?
Drew: Marques Tuiasosopo: do you really need him?
Drew: Will you consider kissing me?
Drew: Come on, man! A Jet who doesn’t want to kiss people? That’s crap.
Drew: Kerry, thanks again.
Rhodes: You’re very welcome.