Monday, August 20, 2007

Preseason Is A Way Of Life

Like most of you, I've managed to accept preseason football for what it is, an imperfect substitute that will hold me over until the real thing starts in two weeks. But lately, I feel like the concept of the whole exhibition thing has really rubbed off on other aspects of my life. I suppose I could give you some examples...

I was going through my Gmail contacts yesterday and noticed that I have exactly 70 email adresses stored there. I sent out a group email telling everyone that they had "better show me something" before the end of the week, because that's when I'm trimming the list down to 53. Aunt Tammi is in the hospital, so I haven't decided whether to put her on the injured list or cut her right away and hope she catches on with another relative.

Our local Shakespeare in the Park has been pretty lame over the past month. I hear they're saving all their good plays for September.

My best friend's wife suggested to him the other day that they try a threesome, just for some summer fun. He refused, but then she suggested a compromise: he would get to be inside her for the first 30 minutes, and then the other guy would get whatever was left over. I know he's concerned about "controversy," but she reiterated that he'd still be the No. 1 guy after Labor Day.

And me? Personally, I've been focusing on technique this summer...

Our office had a meeting not too long ago to celebrate our division's exceeding revenue expectations. At the end of the meeting, I stood up in the conference room and plainly said, "This don't mean shit. Let's see y'all do this when it matters." The veterans in senior management slowly nodded in approval.

The meeting was at noon, and then some kid just out of college finished my work for the rest of the day. Paul in accounting tripped over a open filing cabinet and dislocated his shoulder. Now he's out four-to-six. Never shoulda been there, man.

I caught the new kid in the neighborhood cutting through my yard the other day so I taped him to a flagpole and made him sing his school's fight song. It didn't have anything to do with football; I just did it because he's a dipshit.

16 comments:

Tonzi said...

I read "threesome" and got excited, but the first sentence of that paragraph confused the hell out of me. Did his wife try to convince him, or did he try to convince his wife? And who would want a man-man-lady threesome? Unless you happen to be "one of those girls".

Monday Morning Punter said...

Fixed.

And if you're a guy in a M-M-F threesome, that makes you at least 50% gay. Probably moreso.

Jarrett Carter said...

But let's get to what really matters.

Because if your local McDonald's isn't up to snuff on the instant recap of your order, you're bound for trouble on some of those late night food runs this fall.

Jackin'4Beats said...

Aunt Tammi is in the hospital, so I haven't decided whether to put her on the injured list or cut her right away and hope she catches on with another relative.

Now that was hilarious.

The game last night, however was shit. At least the GEEEEE-MEEEEEN sustained a few serious injuries that should help them finish at the bottom of the NFC East and hopefully get Eli cut and Coughlin fired.

Wormfather said...

I know what you mean. I catch metro north into the city from connecticut, every summer the new draft picks out of school start catching the train in as well...

Frankly I'm sick of every summer these rookies getting on my god damn train, acting like they own the place, sitting in the middle seat of a three seater, talking on the morning train and worst of all, waking me up 10 minutes before we get into grand central so that they can go wait at the door (before then even fucking know what side of the train's gonna open up).

But typically speaking by, septembember it's all worked out, the rookies realize that if they sit in the middle they will get accidental elbows, the old vets retire making room on the roster, the new conducting staff remembers the faces and everythings cool.

Matt said...

Why's it gotta be the accountants that trip over everything??

*puts glasses back on and spends the next 15 minutes typing numbers into tax return*

fallex said...

Why's it gotta be the accountants that trip over everything??

Herbert Kornfeld agrees. Biznatches!!

Rob I said...

And if you're a guy in a M-M-F threesome, that makes you at least 50% gay. Probably moreso.

It's only gay if you high-five.

Or touch cocks.

Jackin'4Beats said...

@wormfather

Harlem line kicks the New Haven line's ass. And it's usually quiet in the morning, although it doesn't stop those douchebags from walking to the train doors while we're still in the tunnel 10 minutes out.

TheAntiFollicle said...

I think Flight of the Conchords addressed last night that its not gay if you don't look at the other. Anything addressed by the fourth most popular folk duo from New Zealand must be true.

deafjeff said...

It also helps if one of the males sits in the chair for a break, and sometimes the female too, thus leaving you in there by yourself for a while.

The Pirate Sloth said...

Since when do you have a flag pole in your yard Punter? I was just over by your place 2 weeks ago... um... bird watching... and didn't notice a flag pole.

Wormfather said...

@Jackin'4Beats

I'm sure all the other trains kick the New Haven Line's ass. I took the Hudson Line for a while and it was always nice to play a little Billy Joel and look out over the river.

With that said, you have not seen douchbaggery until you've been on the New Haven Line, the uniniated talk on their cells like we care what they have to say, couples will sit opposite of you in the 5 seater and make out like it's their honey moon and worst is the 1:49AM out of the city, it's like the 3rd circle of hell.

Becky said...

Damn. There goes my dream of being the filling in a Punter/Flubby sandwich.

word verification: lache. It's like it KNEW we were talking gay - boy band gay.

the great bambi said...

Wait, you have to high five, it completes the suspension bridge or eiffel tower or whatever awesome architectural structure you are creating...now if it's a sandwich that is definitely 50% gay.

Otto Man said...

Herbert Kornfeld agrees. Biznatches!!

We hit it Accounts Receivable style, yo!

Fo' me, it wuz always 'bout tha numbahs!