Monday, August 20, 2007

KSK 2007 NFL Season Prekakke: Miami Dolphins


Five Fast Facts About The Dolphins:
-New quarterback Trent Green only pays $6 when he goes to the movies.
-New head coach Cam Cameron runs with a childhood gang named The Alliterates that includes buddies Jack Jackson, Tom Tomeranski, Dick Dickie, Hank Hankower, and Spanky Assspanker.
-Many people know that former Dolphin kicker Ray Finkle decided to become a woman. But what they don’t know is that kicking mascot Snowflake also decided to become a woman. Snowflake was the first dolphin to practice what is now known in the gay dolphin community as “Bottlenosing”.
-Former Dolphin coach Nick Saban abandons all his mistresses by telling them he has to do what’s best “for his family”.
-Saban has also never seen any of his daughter’s piano recitals, despite constantly promising he’ll be there. Know why? Because Nick Saban is a horrible, horrible human being.

Ten Yards Of Awkwardness With: Channing Crowder!


During our 2007 NFL preview, I’ll be sitting down and “chatting” with notable players from each team. For the Dolphins, it’s linebacker Channing Crowder, who reminds me of Carol Channing and clam chowder simultaneously.

Big Daddy Drew: Channing, thank you very much for sitting down with us.
Channing Crowder: No problem.

Drew: What’s the origin of your first name? Was your mother a fan of Chinese sleuthing?
Crowder: No.

Drew: Defensive end Jason Taylor is married to linebacker Zach Thomas’ sister. Given that Katina Thomas is from Texas, is it fair to say that she and her parents are no longer on speaking terms?
Crowder: No.

Drew: Many Dolphins’ fans complained when the team bypassed Brady Quinn in the April draft. Is it fair to say most of those complaints came specifically from Dolphin fans in South Beach?
Crowder: I don’t know.

Drew: I think Brady Quinn would have been a good fit down here. On any number of men. Agreed?
Crowder: I don’t know.

Drew: I think he also would have made an excellent flamboyant Cuban housekeeper. Agreed?
Crowder: I don’t know.

Drew: What kind of new dimension will Ted Ginn bring to your training room?
Crowder: Ted is healthy.

Drew: Backup quarterback Cleo Lemon says he would like me to squeeze him until the juice runs down his leg. What does that mean?
Crowder: I don’t know.

Drew: I’ve heard that Dom Capers has trained his hairpiece to run Oklahoma drills without his assistance. True?
Crowder: No.

Drew: Let’s talk about Joey Porter for a moment. Did Porter relocate the gayest city on the East Coast specifically to make himself angrier?
Crowder: No.

Drew: Is it true that Porter has been barred by local authorities for driving on I-95?
Crowder: No.

Drew: I bet people have tried to merge on Porter only to be run into the concrete barricade.
Crowder: Joey is a very nice person.

Drew: Joey Porter’s dogs once killed a miniature horse, yet Porter remains free to ply his trade. Is it fair to say that, if people knew how cute miniature horses are, that Porter would be in jail right now?
Crowder: That was an accident.


Drew: I mean, look at this thing. I just want to brush her mane and paint stars on her all day long. Don’t you?
Crowder: No.

Drew: I still think Porter fights his dogs. Joey Porter and dogfighting go together like my penis and Lubriderm.
Crowder: Joey does not fight dogs.

Drew: Remember the movie “Brewster’s Millions”, where Richard Pryor had so much money he got sick of it?
Crowder: Yes.

Drew: How much do you like playing defense? Enough to play it for, say, 58 minutes a game?
Crowder: Our offense is good.

Drew: Are you excited for the Dolphins to lead the league in Time of Dispossession this year?
Crowder: Our offense is good.

Drew: Would you consider kissing me?
Crowder: No.

Drew: Would you consider wrestling my gator?
Crowder: No.

Drew: Channing, thanks for your time.
Crowder: My pleasure.

19 comments:

Slash said...

I like to think his name is a tribute to Carol Channing. Because that would be funny as shit. Just as I like to think Brady Quinn's name is a tribute to The Brady Bunch and Ben Roethlisberger's name is a tribute to that movie about the rat. I could do this all day, if I didn't have to actually work.

Chris said...

Are you implying that Brady Quinn likes men? I will have you know that Brady Quinn loves women, and by women I mean well built men.

Pemulis said...

"Drew: I think he also would have made an excellent flamboyant Cuban housekeeper. Agreed?
Crowder: I don’t know."

Brady "Agador Spartacus" Quinn

denvergodfather said...

I am suprised he didn't want to kiss your gator. Fucking grumpy guy.

Five Pound Bag said...

TO: Big Daddy Drew
FROM: Robert Plant
RE: Cleo Lemon Joke

Robert approves!

jpj/RP
enc

Jackin'4Beats said...

Channing - Dhani Jones wants his hairstyle back. Goober...

fallex said...

"bottlenosing" AKA "facedocking"

smeos said...

That's gold, Jerry! Gold!

Seriously though, the penis and Lubriderm thing make me choke on my breakfast bagel.

K-Rock said...

my idea for a new dolphins mascot

Dolphy McKnobCreek

The Pirate Sloth said...

It's making me giggle uncontrollably that the image of the mini-horse is called Willis.

Who names their mini-horse Willis?

Matt said...

@the pirate sloth:

Gary Coleman. And/or Brady Quinn.

Mike said...

I'm beginning to suspect that these interviews are fake... all the players respond exactly the same way!

Keep up the great work, BDD.

Ben said...

"Drew: I still think Porter fights his dogs. Joey Porter and dogfighting go together like my penis and Lubriderm.
Crowder: Joey does not fight dogs."

+11

Dusty said...

Damn good interview BDD, were you straight at the time?

I am betting no on that.

rar288 said...

Saban would definitely crush his daughters' hopes and dreams, I agree BDD.

Awful Chief said...

"Drew: I think he also would have made an excellent flamboyant Cuban housekeeper. Agreed?
Crowder: I don’t know."

Brady "Agador Spartacus" Quinn


BQ would look nice in a "Straight Looking" tee-shirt.

quiet cardinal said...

BDD... i just wanna thank you for somehow getting "hairpiece" and "oklahoma drill" into the same sentence.

Ben Million said...

Seconding an earlier comment; major props for the Robert Johnson reference.

Jay Byers said...

Ah Ray Finkle.

In death, you saved us all.