Wednesday, August 1, 2007

PK Gets Served,
And This Time,
It Ain't By No Titty-Lickin' Barista

I feel like I have to say this every fucking time we talk about the man, but here goes: We love Peter King. We love his...okay, maybe we don't LOVE him. We certainly do LIKE him, but, you know, there are all these other NFL columnists running around and--No, no, Petey, come on, baby. You're the best. You're numero uno to us, man. That was Spanish, by the way. I'm bi-language-al.

So in PK's Mailbag from yesterday, he ran a message from some dude from North Carolina who has had it up to HERE with King's flaunting of his riches. Let's go to the videotape!

Um, I mean the text. Yeah, let's go to the text:

You are a great writer and I enjoy your columns on a regular basis. But I just have to ask you something. When the average American struggles on a daily basis to get by and faces real challenges daily, how is it one should look upon some of your musings?

I mean, you've spoken of what a wonderful daughter or two you have, and you probably have just as wonderful of a wife. You live the life probably any man would dream of, covering the NFL and getting paid for it all the while.

So when we see you complain about whichever Starbucks is nearby and the price of working out at a hotel gym center, and the cost of parking in Manhattan or hear any of the other rumblings which seem awfully miniscule to the average person trying to get by, what is one to think? Poor, poor pitiful Peter.

How about this Peter? Every day you awake and look in the mirror, tell us how you hit your knees and thank your maker for gracing you with such a rich life.


First of all, whichever is actually a word. No, for real.

Secondly--and some of you might call me out for being a little hypocrite bitch, and that's fine--this guy needs to tape his asshole shut (or whichever hole that diarrhea came) and move on.

I am left beside myself, well, after stopping to think that King received this, read it, saw validity in its premise, and decided to run it in his Mailbag space. "Yeah, this guy thinks I'm a pompous ass. Hey, good call! He makes the cut." I doubt the internal conversation went quite like that. King's a big time writer. One who, I'm sure, sees the value in giving the floor to a dissenting point of view. Still, that can't be done without swallowing something. King did post the message, with this reply:

I'm really glad you wrote that and knocked me down a peg or two. I need to hear stuff like that sometimes. Thanks for the wakeup call.

Come on, Pete. You're the fuckin' man. Numero Uno, remember? So some hilljack outside of the Research Triangle has a problem hearing about the fabulous life of designer parking and airplane rides?

I believe that there are a certain set of reasons that we, as people, exert our money, time, and energy into following sports, especially the NFL. One reason would be that sports, like so few things these days, bring us together. We have our own personal biases (read: favorite teams) that, among fans, mostly, are tolerated, and even embraced. It wasn't two months ago when I went to Busch Stadium (as a Cincinnati Reds fan) and was heckled just a few rows above my team's bullpen, almost mercilessly, for three hours. And we were ahead most of that game.

I believe another reason, a deeper reason, is that sports give us hope. They provide a tangible result, in a world riddled with intangibles, that we can relate to our own personal ambitions. They provide a medium for desire. For the opportunity of becoming greater than ourselves. And for inspiration. And while we may not always prevail in the end, we had our shot. We had our struggle, our chance to gain what was, before, not ours. And whether we dream of a 60-yard Hail Mary as time expires or a double-mocha frappuccino with extra whip and chocolate and cinnamon, it's about that dream. And we need to flaunt that motherfucking dream all we can. You hear me? We need to dangle that dream in front of every crooked nose in Shitfuck, North Carolina and say, "YOU WANT THIS, YOU TOOTHLESS INBRED PRICK? Then you get your ass out of that double-wide...and come and get it." Without that dream, without that hope, we have nothing. And yes, we may wake up some mornings with that awful feeling in our souls, wondering where all the days have gone, whether the struggle was, and is, worthwhile. And when you get that feeling, you better think of that g0ddamn frappuccino with all its caffeinated glory and scream to the top of your lungs, "Fuck, yes it is! Fuck yes!"

This is all just a long way of saying, "Help yourself to a shovelful of cock, Douchebag, North Carolina." And you go, Pete. Don't you be doubting yourself anymore. That's our job.

29 comments:

Big Daddy Drew said...

WE CLAW FOR THAT INCH!!!!!

Christmas Ape said...

You long for an imaginary life, Punter? I thought you were already living one.

Wormfather said...

That was fucking beautiful. I swear I imagined you like the president in Independance Day giving that speech.

"This is, our Independence Day"

/cry

P.S. I spelled Independence two different ways because I wasnt sure which was right.

BeaverFever said...

Independence

Unsilent Majority said...

That was a glorious post.

"P.S. I spelled Independence two different ways because I wasnt sure which was right."

Firefox is free

BeaverFever said...

5 posts in a row from MMP. That has to be some sort of record here at KSK.

denvergodfather said...

Punter that was profound.
Also "help yourself to a shovel full of cock" is my new favorite saying. Thank you for your time sir.

Shan said...

They say Hitler had charisma too...

Chris said...

I thought the gym was like kryptonite to Peter King.

Wormfather said...

I'm not paid to spell damnit!

I'm paid to, use commas,

fallex said...

The reason I told the story about the airfare and parking fare is that I found the comparison insane and I thought that you might too.

Wrong again, assbreath.

Pemulis said...

Y'know, this was supposed to be my weekend off, but noooo. You got me out here draggin' your heavy ass through the burnin' desert with your dreadlocks stickin' out the back of my parachute. You gotta come down here with an attitude, actin' all big and bad... and what the hell is that smell? I could've been at a barbecue! But I ain't mad.

Sisto said...

I bet the first thing that guy did after emailing King was go and buy one of the new NFL Sideline Caps.

Jackin'4Beats said...

MMP, I also thought that was rant was better than anything that assmuncher Dennis Miller could have ever thought of. Nice. And men in Shitfuck, NC and Shitfuck, OH (Cleveland) are happy with their shovelfuls of cock as it is.

Are you leaving the country or something for a trek through Patagonia with no internet access for a month? That's my explanation for the 5 posts today.

MannysHeadStash said...

Dear Bill Simmons,

Some of your readers don't constantly watch gay MTV shows, and don't have the means to fly to Vegas every other weekend. Can you start writing about the things we can enjoy, like sports?

Simmons: Yup, these are my readers. People that don't watch gay MTV shows or constantly fly to Vegas are like that guy that catches the 5th diamond for a nut flush after checking all game long. Alton Laguna Beach J-Bug.

Drizztdj said...

Bill Simmons shouldn't use poker metaphors, ever.

They hurt my head and anyone who knows who Dan Harrington or Freddy Deeb is.

dick_gozinia said...

"Go help yourself to a shovelful of cock" is only bested by my favorite insult of all time..."Go suck a bag of dicks." Lovely and thought-provoking all at once.

Child Laborer said...

this reminded me of the post 9/11 article by Ralph Wiley on espn.com, only much, much funnier.

JAMMQ said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
JAMMQ said...

I'm with the hilljack. Peter King can shove a chocolate moca latte up his ass.

By the way, MMP:

in a world riddled with intangibles . . .

Intangibles aren't a bad thing, they just are hard to measure or describe.

For example, it is the intangibles that make Peter King a douchebag, since it was Peter King who became incredulous and picked a fight with a blog called Kissing Suzy Kolber, less than a year ago.

Guess he's not on his high-horse anymore now that he's been knocked down a peg or two.

Actually, it's pretty tangible why Peter King is a douche, because it's right there for everyone to see.

Slash said...

I'd make fun of North Carolina, but I'm from Oklahoma, so...

Stocky said...

KSK rocks, Peter King, err, not so much.

Boy Howdy said...

"Titty-Lickin' Barista"

I'm pretty sure I've seen that one.

Tracer Bullet said...

I can only imagine this Peter King ball-washing is part of the out-of-court settlement that arose after you posted pictures of his daughter online and you don't really have a sticky man-crush on this pompus doof. In any event, King isn't fit to carry Dr. Z.'s jock.

MaxwellDemon said...

Seeing that the screed is from NC got me all imaginationy, and I choose to believe that "David Floyd" is just a nom de plume for Mike Nifong. Dude is $2 and a handjob away from having a place to crash tonight; he don't want to hear about PK's fancy pantsy "latte" and whatnot.

SlickBomb said...

Absolute horseshit. You bash Peter King for an entire year, then when he says "maybe you're right, I do sound like an idiot for writing this crap" you tell him to "Hold That Line"?

Homey don't think so. It’s not just hypocritical, it’s intellectually inconsistent. King writes a football column. He should stick to football, or suffer people posting drunk pics of his daughter and telling him what a douchebag he is. Not to mention I haven't read such pretentious crap in my entire life. In football, we're rooting for chemically enhanced mutants to beat the living hell out of each other for 60 minutes because it gives us pleasure, not to find some life-altering truth or get closer to God. You I know you guys, but seriously, Punter, what in the holy hell are you thinking?

SlickBomb said...

That should I "You know I LOVE you guys," btw...

Biggus Rickus said...

I come for the tailgating, but I stay for the life-altering truths.

Uncle Ted said...

pk > the south