Friday, August 10, 2007

Suicide Is Painless, Unless You Screw It Up



Believe it or not, suicide isn't always a lot of fun. It can tear apart families and scar loved ones for years to come, fortunately you'll be too dead to care! These days there are so many ways to off oneself that it's not always easy to keep abreast of the hot new trends in felo-de-se.

Even those of us who aren't (currently) suicidal harbor thoughts of self-destruction, it's as natural as jerkin' it with a plastic bag over your head while you sit on a cattle prod. But what would be the most befitting way for you to shuffle loose the mortal coil? Everyone has had their own opinions dating back to 1942 when suicide was invented by young wordsmith William Shakespeare. His early visions of Ophelia's relaxing soak in the creek and Romeo's power-nap set the tone for the future of the game. Since then quitters the world over have expanded on these simple methods and thrown in their own special flair. So if you had a good run and were ready to call it a life how would you want to do the deed?

I'll go ahead and kick off the draft with my first selection: Making friends with the ground!



As usual, we've got some rules. Follow them or your death may not be so optional.

1. You may not draft jump off of the bridge at Cornell, because that's totally played out
2. Draft one method of death at a time
3. Wait a full ten picks in between draft picks
4. UPDATE: Must be PLAUSIBLE methods. Fucked to death by Angelina Jolie ain't happenin', pal.



If you are honestly suicidal you probably shouldn't partake in this exercise or watch pre-season football.

98 comments:

denvergodfather said...

I am going to go with intravenous cocaine overdose. Shit loads of euphoria for about 20 seconds then my heat explodes

denvergodfather said...

or my heart whichever comes first

dick_gozinia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jordan Ginsberg said...

I think there's a certain elegance in lighting some candles, throwing on "It'll End In Tears," crafting an eloquent note, stripping naked and then swallowing a bullet while hunched over on the crapper.

grungedave said...

Unprotected sex (and lots of it)with Lindsay Lohan ... death is inevitable thereafter.

dick_gozinia said...

I'm packing an SUV with explosives and then driving it into the dead middle of the Joe Louis Arena during a Red Wings game. When I get to the faceoff circle, I'm detonating.

Because if I'm going out I'm taking a whole lot of you hockeytown douchebags with me.

Awful Chief said...

1) Strap bomb to self.
2) Run to the middle of the 50 yard line during Ohio State's Spring practice.
3) Detonate bomb.

Joshua said...

I would do the honorable thing and commit Harry Carey....

James said...

Walk around with the I HATE NIGGERS sign in Harlem.

Captain Caveman said...

Panhandler murder spree on the subway followed by self-inflicted gunshot wound.

Unsilent Majority said...

wow james, you could have just said "that sign from die hard 3"

dick_gozinia said...

Or James could have ben more creative and gone for the "i'd be a daredevil like in kentucky fried movie" route. but whatever, captain subtle.

John S. said...

Fall on my sword, the Roman way.

The manly death would wipe away any accusations of cowardice for offing myself in the first place.

Wormfather said...

Seriously, james, NOIS is about to get all up in that ass.

Wormfather said...

I would go out Grand Theft Auto Style and I wouldnt stop until I had six stars. Your going to need the army to stop me.

Yournotunique said...

All I have to say is "Mr. Creosote".

Chris said...

Falling Down - Pretty fallow the entire script.

Julia said...

Autoerotic accident. Booya.

ben said...

slowly drown in a pool of well aged single malt scotch

Sweet hitch hiker's clip... 'I'll call it ground. I wonder if it'll be friends with me?'

naptown drew said...

Shabu binge and subsequent overdose

Derrick said...

I'd jump out of an airplane from about 8,000 feet without a parachute.
I'd have one helluva ride on the way down- flips, twists, possibly masturbation.
And it wouldn't hurt when I hit the ground.

naptown drew said...

Well fuck:

http://www.westword.com/2003-09-04/news/72-hour-party-people/full

JewDago said...

murderous rampage killing people that have wronged me throughout my life until i get caught and the cops have to shoot me. vindictive, subjective justice is where it's at.

grungedave said...

if the Angelina Jolie rule was written to apply to my draft pick - I would counter that Lindsay Lohan *would* fuck me to death if I provided enough coke/ecstacy/fake movie offers.

Unsilent Majority said...

Derrick, I'm pretty sure that's been taken...

Monday Morning Punter said...

Congrats to dick_gozinia on the best avatar of all time. I believe that was Part VI, no??

skipper said...

R. Budd. Dwyer.

Ken Dynamo said...

sit thru a charlie weis speech and be bored to fucking death

John John The Bastard said...

Hmmmmmmm......That's good but I can top it, put an axe up to my neck and then I chop it

Max said...

Take sleeping pills, some vicodins and a fifth of stoli. Then duct tape around my head many times so i can't vomit and will prevent people from helping in case i am discovered. A warm bath and some kenny g

Biggus Rickus said...

I'd have to go with a heroin overdose. That's supposed to be a great high.

Shoopmonster said...

I'll just go with the old rock star standby of drinking too much until I choke on my own vomit.

Dr. Mexico said...

I would take an ungodly amount of blood thinners and then i would fornicate w/the hottest women until my undercarriage started bleeding at which point it would not stop. Game Over.

Peter McSheisty said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
devang said...

John Belushi style baby!! Speedball and grain alcohol while Wish You Were Here plays on a continuous loop

Grimey said...

You know, Maj, not everyone has seen Die Hard 3

John S. said...

Killing myself for the sake of all humanity... like Bruce Willis in Armageddon.

Chamomiles Davis said...

Riding a bunker buster into Bin Laden's TV room, Dr. Strangelove-style. I get to off myself in dramatic fashion and be worshipped by millions as a hero.

skipper said...

@john s.: That means Affleck gets to go home and bang your daughter. You really ok with that?

Steve said...

An airplane ride piloted by a coke-addled cook

John S. said...

I say "like" Armageddon because ther is NO WAY IN HELL I would want my daughter to wind up with Ben Affleck.

John S. said...

Skipper - I had thought of that before I saw your post.

(note that our post times are the same minute)

skipper said...

Well I'm glad we're on the same page.

John John The Bastard said...

Confront an alligator let it eat me raw.

BigRicks said...

quit my comfy office job and become a miner.

...too soon isn't it.

dick_gozinia said...

@MMP - yes i believe it was part 6.

I'm going out in a cage match with a grizzly bear. What manlier way to die is there?

Undead Zombie Horde said...

excellent John John the Bastard!

"Turn your oven on high for about four hours.
Light you a blunt, kiss your ass goodbye.
You gassed yourself; 'cause it's a suicide"

whowillsexmutombo? said...

Break into the "secret files" room at the NBA headquarters to get to the bottom of all of this conspiracy shit. I'm pretty sure Stern's Army would more or less take care of the not letting me out alive part.

TheAntiFollicle said...

After coaxing an ex girlfriend into a car ride and making her perform automobile felatio. The minute I finish and she looks up after a hearty swallow, she will realize in shock that we are about to hit a tree at 80 mph.

Ron Bermuda said...

I'd like to be shot out of a cannon into a giant pool of sharks. Also, let's make the water the Potomac River so I die of toxic poisoning while I'm getting chomped on...

John John The Bastard said...

Dammit Undead I was gonna post that whole verse as my final pick.

Dr. Mexico said...

I would get shit drunk with John Daly and then have him use my temple as his contact point for a 400 yard drive thereby shattering my jaw and skull into my brain, once again. Game Over.

Shoopmonster said...

Kool-Aid, Jonestown style. Hold the construda.

Derrick said...

UM- whatever clip or pic you had on the page wouldn't play (stupid POS work computer!).
So, plan B......wear a visiting uniform into the Oakland Coliseum, and release some sarin gas once teh beatings started.

devang said...

Go into the same strip club as Pacman's posse.

Undead Zombie Horde said...

JJtB: sorry dude. Didn't mean to steal you thunder.

That was instantly recognizable to me since it was the first rap song this metalhead ever gave a damn about.

John John The Bastard said...

"Back to the function, riding the caboose to hell BZZZZZT touched the third rail. You fucked up chicken, now you just got fried
Cause it's a suicide"

brad said...

Fuck the shit out of a pro bodybuilder's wife.

Dude prone to roid rage walks in on me tagging his old lady? You could fit my remains in a small Ziploc bag.

Yellow and blue make DEATH!

skipper said...

So is Rex Kramer, Danger Seeker off the board? And was its hilarity called into question?

Undead Zombie Horde said...

damn. I was just about to submit: wearing a Redskins jersey to an Eagles home game. I barely escaped with my life the last time (and the Skins lost...I can't imagine the carnage if they won).

derrick beat me to the concept.

I'll jus go with joining the army.

John John The Bastard said...

I concur UZH and as soon as I saw the draft topic I leaped at the oppurtunity. Although I consider myself more a hardcore kid than a metal head (when I was in college I got reemed out about the differences)

That whole album is the balls.

Tom said...

sorry bro. Wayyy too close to the start of football season to be thinking about seppuku.

thope said...

cadbury surprise

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Cadbury+Surprise

Peter McSheisty said...

I have been advised by my attorney to take down my previous post that involved a certain leader of the Free World. That being said, I would now like to change my answer to freezing to death. Boring? Yes. Painless? Probably.

John S. said...

Step 1: Slam my head into the sidewalk.
Step 2: Repeat.

Very manly.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

Re-negotiate my contract with Suge Knight.

Otto Man said...

Rent a Hummer and head out to the Turnpike.

Asshole blocking the box at the Holland Tunnel? Bam. Douchebag turning left from the right lane? Bam. Fucknut driving 65 in the left lane? Bam, bam, backup, bam.

If I made it out of there, I'd head into the city for a little game I'd like to call Yellow Cab Derby. Eventually, I'd get plugged by New York's Angriest.

Ken Dynamo said...

i always have wanted to try AIDS...

skipper said...

Date Nicole Brown Simpson

John John The Bastard said...

Snitch on Marlowe Stansfield, from what I understand those row houses are pretty nice.

Sorry, I just couldn't keep quoting Gravediggaz, plus I was running out of good ones.

Harvey Ballwanger said...

1. Swear Michael is the new Don.

2. Change story in front of Senate panel.

3. Open wrists in bathtub, Roman style.

grungedave said...

option #2...

play for Columbian soccer team. Score own-goal.

skipper said...

@grungedave: Those ivy-leaguers are fucking serious about soccer.

Derrick said...

Submerse submarine to 2000 feet. Open hatch.

Chamomiles Davis said...

Take a long walk off the Skywalk at the height of tourist season. Put that in your photo album, motherfuckers!

Nick said...

Nicholas Cage style...a.k.a. Leaving Las Vegas style.

Wait, does smoking count? If so I'm already doing that.

Calvin's got a job said...

I would climb to the top of a very large metropolitan building during rush hour. Attached to my back would be 40 foot bungie cord. Attached to my neck would be a 35 foot noose made of steel cable. I would Get an Erection by watching the 2006/2007 Rex Grossman highlight film. I would then pull my cock out of my pants. Then i'd super glue my hands to my face similar to Macauly Caulkin in homealone. I'd then jump off the building. When i hit the 35 foot mark the steel cable would decapitate me leaving my lifeless corpse bungie jumping while performing felatio on myself.

been talking about this for years

Derrick said...

Wow! I think Calvin just won.

Barney said...

Go for a walk in my neighborhood after about 1AM.

smeos said...

I'd lock myself in a room and gorge myself to death on Jimmy Dean Pancakes n' Sausage on a stick. It's breakfast, corn-dog style. It's also incredibly, incredibly sad.

Greg Schuler said...

Frank Pentangili style...

Honky Tom said...

I'd strangle my wife and kid and then hang myself from a weight machine ... wait thats been done already ... shit.

The chuggernaut said...

Well I wanted the ride the bomb to the ground but it was taken, so I will go with Swim in the reactor pool at the nearest operating fission reactor. Come on in, the water is warm.

John John The Bastard said...

Beer pong with Ajax, now to find someone else who wants in,l any takers?

Calvin's got a job said...

@John

I'll stick to my MD 20/20...
it's pretty much the same thing

Ethnic Mike said...

Step 1: Build a Relativistic Heavy Ion Collider.

Step 2: Absorb self. Earth.

It's quick (not sure about painless), it's awesome and the rest of Earth will be "a huge glob of strange matter".

Top 10 Ways to Destroy Earth - Click number 9

If this one is used already than I give up.

Otto Man said...

been talking about this for years

I heard you're terrific at children's parties.

Ethnic Mike said...

@Calvin's got a job

You are a brilliant sick bastard. I also vote for your victory.

JH said...

Fuck, I didn't realize we Cornellians were so cliche.

Well fine, I'm jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge then. At least it won't be a long walk to get there.

Matthew Barney Gumble said...

Dudes, Space Shuttle hijacking. It'd take some planning, but imagine the payoff!

Unsilent Majority said...

Fuck, I didn't realize we Cornellians were so cliche.

Ed Helms just killed himself

David said...

Suicide by cop after taking out people who have it coming...OJ, Kim Jong Il, Charles Nelson Reilly, etc.

Jay Byers said...

Rocking myself to death. Quite how I'm supposed to accomplish this with Alex Lifeson succumbing to Alex Lifeson disease and Spinal Tap not being real is another matter altogether.

Jay Byers said...

To clarify, I think rocking myself to death would work best were I to stick my head inside an amp and have someone rock out until my brain turned to mush. Also whoa whoa Calvin uncool. You just stole that from bash.org, for shame. Also I can't spell shame, it kept coming out as sgame.

James said...

i'd hire a hitman on myself and spend the rest of my days in an exciting game of cat and mouse...and thats only if i'm not allowed to fuck angelina jolie to death

dick_gozinia said...

@ calvin - so if you're watching the rex grossman highlight film to get a chubby, then you're a colts fan, right?

OK...I'm piggybacking on a few others here, but here's something I've always wanted to do that'll probably get me killed -

I'm breaking into an army base and stealing a tank. Then I'm driving it around for maximum carnage until they finally get me.

And there's only 2 ways to stop a guy driving a tank.
1. Blow it the fuck up.
2. Wait until the dumbass gets it stuck and then open hatch.

When the latter happens, I'm pulling the pin on a grenade while inside.

Josh Drimmer said...

pick a fight with pac-man and his peoples in the back of a strip club. obviously. how did I steal that one with the 96th pick?

greg said...

all these cool ways to die and we are all probably gonna die from liver/lung cancer in our 60's. so...fucking...lame.