Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Where You Been? Whole Steel Industry's Been Gay For Years


Steelers fans,

What the fuck are you trying to do to me? Okay, it's not your fault the franchise saw fit to introduce some wholly unnecessary mascot to commemorate the team's 75th anniversary, as opposed to, say, some goddamn cheerleaders. But given the chance to submit names for the Bruce Campbell doppelganger, the best 70,000 of you assholes could come up with was Steely McBeam.

Steely McFuckingBeam. See that "fucking" in there, it's called a tmesis. I'm pointing that out to you because I'm going to try to impart a few facts in each post from now on because YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY SO GODDAMN STUPID. WHY AM I CONSTANTLY DEFENDING YOU FROM UFFORD?!

Seriously, do we really need to name the mascot the way an 8-year-old names his hermit crab?

"Look, ma! It's Pinchy McShell!"

"Look, it's Hermie McCrab!"

Fuck. You.

40 comments:

Jimbromski said...

That's not such a bad name, although I would have gone with Sir Craven Dicken-Balz.

Jon Oum said...

Steely McBeam? Sounds like an Avenue Q character. New name for residents of the Burgh? Dummy McDumbass. An aborted fetus could have thought of a better name than that.
In all seriousness, Pittsburgh doesn't have cheerleaders?

Paul said...

Sounds like a porn star name...

Michael Beckwith said...

even Lexington Steele thinks that's a McShitty porn name

Canaan said...

The thing needs to be Setty McOnfire. There isn't one thing to like about it. His shirt is the same color as his skin; for a second, I thought he had the torso of The Thing. His overalls look like a Steelers snowsuit, and his stubble belongs on Razor Ramon. Is this like the loyalty test the Browns put Cleveland through, except for Pittsburgh it's a shitty mascot instead of a shitty team?

Otto Man said...

The stubble beard, the douchey overalls, and the retarded grin? They should've called him Billy Ray McCyrus.

wrecking_ball said...

The Triangle is not so Golden at the moment.

He's a millworker, probably unionized. Why not just go with "Coffee Break" instead?

Scott said...

I understand the Pirates having a mascot to keep the twits entertained that still give a shit about the Pirates. Shit, we have two, thats how bad we suck. The fucking Steelers should not have a fucking mascot because we win. We don't need fireworks and bands and giveaways to get people to the games. Yes, I said we. Fuck you. I'm going to burn that fucking thing with hellfire. I don't give a shit if it is some lame ass college kid in the costume, foam goes up quick and I'm coming for you. I will burn you to the fucking ground.
That said, I kinda like the Steelers chances this year if the O-line holds up.

J.L. White said...

Not seen in picture: Kordell Stewart also extending his arms out, with tears in his eyes, waiting for the strong, soothing embrace of Steely. Yes, Steely forgives you for your crappy QB career, Kordell, and he can't wait to show you his McBeam.

Hustler of Culture said...

Still way better than Wally the Green Monster....

Skye said...

That thing is hopefully made out of polymascotfoamalate so with a little luck and a zippo...

Calvin's got a job said...

Steely McBeam is a poor man's Big Boy... Queer

John S. said...

Considering the population of Pittsburgh and the surrounding areas, wouldn't Stan Steelinski be a better fit?

Awful Chief said...

Trent Steele would have been a far better choice. Or Pig-Iron.

Raskolnikov said...

Considering Pittsburgh's demographics, wouldn't Steeleb Beamski be more appropriate?

MC said...

The only thing he is missing is zubaz pants.

Cliff said...

Scott sounds a lot like the white version of Joey Porter!

And let's face it, if Joey Porter were still around, this mascot would have never seen the light of day.

grungedave said...

ha ha!

/Nelson

Biggus Rickus said...

Cool. Jackson DeVille is no longer the worst mascot name.

BeaverFever said...

@paul, I think you meant to say it sounds like a gay porn name.

@mc, and a mullet.

BeaverFever said...

Pat Patriot and Billy Buffalo think Steely McBeam is a shitty name.

Will said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7KYx4qJ4BU

Nuff said.

whowillsexmutombo? said...

Was "Bus-Station McPedophile" already taken?

Josh Drimmer said...

stevie steeler, just for the record, was a pretty dumb McFucking name itself.

Jarrett Carter said...

It looks like the Thing from Fantastic 4 after gastric bypass.

the 2nd coming said...

My name is ...Steely McBeamen
I keep the ladies... cream-in',

PeteJayhawk said...

@wrecking_ball: The triangle isn't so much gold as it is pink.

Becky said...

I'd laugh, but my team has a giant furry named "Roary."

Well, and a more normal sized Furrey named Mike. But i'm getting off track...

Peter McSheisty said...

Peter McSheisty is not impressed.

Slash said...

Yeah, it's a gay porn name. A gay porn cartoon name. And there aren't enough gay porn cartoons, in my opinion.

Given the state of the US steel industry, I'd say a better name would be Steely McJobless or Strikey McFutile or Myjobwenttochina McSad.

Reed said...

"Steely Dan" would have been apprpriate for that POS gayboy mascot. Read your Burroughs.

denvergodfather said...

I like Myjobwenttochina Mcsad. +1

samsquantch said...

This abomination makes Crazy Crab look like a stroke of genius. And Crazy Crab was the most reviled mascot of all time. Damn thing spent enitre games getting garbage dumped on him.

I miss Crazy Crab.

dick_gozinia said...

If this guy showed up a a kid's birthday party he would immediately be arrested and forced to register as a sex offender. 8 year olds, dude.

Snarky said...

Read more about this McAbomination (too many syllables for most Stillers fans to understand) in One Of America's Great Newspapers: http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/07221/808167-66.stm

James said...

Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos.

Ken Dynamo said...

looks like an incredible fagort to me.

joker0091 said...

Bill Cower's chin had to do something since he retired

Steve said...

Sorry folks, but that names going to be tied up in court as I'm suing for copyright infringement. Steely McBeam has been the name of my cock for years. I’m going to have to call a bunch of my ex-girlfriends to sign an affidavit proving that, but I think it’s worth it. They had other names for it like “The Disappointer”, “Is that your finger?” and “You wish it was three inches," but mostly they called it Steely McBeam.

PsycloneJack said...

Rowdy is jealous and plans to interrupt Cowboys practice incessantly until he gets a "Mc" name.