Friday, August 24, 2007

GQ Gives Us the Photos We Want

As noted elsewhere yesterday, this month's GQ places its gay gaze upon six young quarterbacks tagged -- though not necessarily destined -- for stardom in the NFL.

These photos are not to be underestimated. GQ is the magazine that gave us Tom Brady hugging an adorable baby goat, which we bloggers appreciate, as years of goat-fucking jokes have helped us cope with Dreamboat's three Super Bowl rings and model-banging ways.

So, with Dreamgoat as our benchmark, let's take a look at the photos and see which ones will stand the comedic test of time.

Oh, Brady Quinn. It's not his fault he's this good-looking, you know. Here he evokes the classic brooding handsomeness of James Dean. Sadly, despite Cleveland's offensive line, football protective equipment is too effective for us to realistically expect a tragically premature death.


Am I the only one not sold on JaMarcus Russell? Here he is walking away from the jet he couldn't buy because he hasn't signed a contract yet. This picture won't be truly funny unless Russell is a colossal bust and ends up a pauper. And given the state of the Raiders, I like those odds.



Who invited Nick Lachey to the photo shoot?

Cowboy Tony Romo as a cowboy. This photo actually wasn't set up by GQ; Romo is a ranch hand in the offseason in order to maintain credibility with girlfriend/country star Carrie Whoever. It's also the best job a degree from Eastern Illinois can get you, unless you actually want to be a high school music teacher in Nauvoo.



Matt Leinart lounging at the pool with a hot chick? It's a little hard to believe, but I guess I can go along with it. Here's part of Leinart's interview with the magazine:

GQ: Okay, what’s the biggest perk of your job? And don’t be like, “I get to play in the NFL.”
Leinart: Well, you get a lot of free stuff. You get free clothes, and you get people who want to give you free suits.

GQ: Okay, but your suits are too big on you.
Leinart: You’re crazy.

GQ: I’m crazy? I work at GQ.
Leinart: No, you’re right. I’ll take your advice on that.


I love the way Leinart comes off as an easily swayed simpleton. It's part of his charm, I'm sure.

Ben.

Ben, Ben, Ben.

Somehow I'm not buying into the smooth film noir private investigator image. Is it the drunk photos all over the Internet? Is it the Miami of Ohio background? The helmetless motorcycle crash? The too-carefully-groomed goatee? The organ failure? Yes. All of that. Plus I think this (surprisingly) not Photoshopped picture more accurately portrays the man who steers the Black and Gold:


I choose to disagree with your shirt, sir.

(Thanks for putting up with all the gayness in the post. Here's a cheerleader for your patience. Her name is Keela Harris, and it's best if you not try to figure out if her head has been superimposed on the picture.)

34 comments:

Big Daddy Drew said...

That's one sexy showercap/yarmulke hybrid.

Civilized Crank said...

Ooh Ooh... photoshop contest for VY. Wonder why he wasn't included in the GQ spread?

Ken Dynamo said...

man, leinart's got some long shins.

and dont forget craplisberger's natalie gulbis stuffing.

Big Daddy Drew said...

Brady needs to roll a pack of cigarettes into his shirtsleeve if really wants to have the whole queer rockabilly look down pat.

devang said...

Grimey's got some good captions on Loljocks

Grimey said...

Brady called his preacher, he said "Give me strength for Round Five"

He said, "You don't need no strength, you need to grow up, son"

Upstate Underdog said...

Morrissey fans are now in love with Brady Quinn after looking at that picture.

Wormfather said...

Regardless of his bust status, I have to admit JaMarcus look fucking pimp in that picture.

Captain Caveman said...

Oh, I didn't include VY because I didn't find the photo inherently funny. Plus VY is actually good.

The Last Dragon said...

JaMarcus looks like an ass bandit with a mink coat and a sweat suit.....

Unsilent Majority said...

JaMarcus looks awesome

Upstate Underdog said...

Did JaMarcus steal that coat from Elton John or Liberace?

flubby said...

UU, I believe it was Imelda Marcos.

Wormfather said...

@Upstate and Flubby

C'mon give JaMarcus a break, he doesnt look gay in that pic. He looks fucking hot, hell I'd fuck him....oh, hmmmmm, I see your point.

MC said...

JR looks like he's the "tough one" in a boy band.

And that Michael Irvin is his personal stylist.

Derrick said...

Sexy Rexy was supposed to be in the GQ spread, but the pictures were all X-Rated.

Derrick said...

Lay off JaMarcus- he wears that coat all the time down in Baton Rouge. Helps him sweat off those extra pounds

LadyAndrea said...

Mmmmm, BQ.

I'd be the Judy to his Jim Stark.

BigRicks said...

After all of his problems with motor vehicles Ol' Ben continues to drive a car with no air bags...And I don't see a seatbelt. Apparently safety isn't sexy.

BigRicks said...

@Derrick: There is a picture of him in every issue, but his sexyness causes the pages to automatically stick together.

Jay Byers said...

"Sexy Rexy was supposed to be in the GQ spread, but the pictures were all X-Rated."

In his defense, every photograph ever taken of him is X-rated unless he has a bag over his head.

save the steagles said...

After the haunting images of Michael Strahan's legs these pictures are much appreciated. We get a little lady porn to end the week and you guys get more hard evidence that every NFL quarterback is gay. Everyone wins.

naptown drew said...

Unbeknownst to Brady Quinn...

His photo reminds me more of (known bisexual) Marlon Brando. I'll bet anything GQ did that on purpose.

Otto Man said...

Jamarcus says that the bitch better have his money. Not some, not half, but all his cash. Or else he's gonna put a foot in her ass.

Jay Byers said...

I'd put MY foot in her ass. If you know what I mean. I think you do. Aw yeah you do. Foot. Right up in her ass. You know. You know what I mean.

Right?

The Last Dragon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Last Dragon said...

I hear lime green showercaps offer great protection in motorcycle crashes. That has to be why Ben is wearing one - right???

Chamomiles Davis said...

"Yes, yes, yes, yes (guy on horseback), yes, chick, yes, maybe, chick." -- Brady Quinn

vitustinnitus said...

goddamn right you didn't include vince.

miamidiesel said...

A post with gay pictures of gay QBs, and not one mention of the new Brett Favre Wrangler commercial? I can't find the video online yet, so no link.

Wendi Nix just put my dick on swole during Sportscenter.

....

I will likely pay for sex tonight. Who wants to go pick up some strippers at Scores?

flubby said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
JAMMQ said...

When did the Browns get Ponyboy to play quarterback?

Slash said...

The staging/posing/whatever in every one of these is gayer than a Playgirl pictorial. But even Brady looks pretty good. The Ponyboy thing works for him. And as for Jamarcus, only a black man could wear that and look so damn good. But my #1 pick is Ben. Even with that yellow thing on his head.

J.L. White said...

A virtual cornucopia of gay quarterback pix has got to make Peter King's knees buckle....well, more so than what is caused by his fat gut. I'm sure the Tony Romo/"Brokeback Mountain" concept is leading to sweet dreams and stained boxers somewhere in New Jersey tonight.