Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Koolaid Maroney's Page a Worse Forgery Than the Howard Hughes Will, the Hitler Diaries and the Emancipation Retraction.


Color us hoodwinked and crestfallen today at KSK. Turns out the Facebook page from which we found so much to adore about Laurence Maroney is a big, fat phony.

You mean to tell me people can make fake profiles of other people? So that comment I have from Jayson Blair on my Wall may not actually be from him? Man, I was hoping that really cheesed off everyone at my newspaper job.

We were sure we were the witless victims of yet another garden-variety Intarwebs hoax.

That is, until we read this:

"'construda?' — 'I don't know what that is,' Maroney said"

Bull. Fucking. Shit.

Sorry, Koolaid. You slipped up on that one. Really had us going there. Some of the concessions we're willing to accept, but construda and begul shitting are just too genius for some lowly internet prankster to have pulled from the ether.

We can easily guess your motivations behind this shoddy denial to a crappy daily with a circ of about 28 birdcages in the Boston area: Chairman Belichick doesn't brook human emotions and, even more likely, some opponent probably gave you a hard time about the idiotic homosexual speculation that sprang forth from one photo.

We'd hate for you to become another unlikable Patriots player (read: any other Patriots player) so we're standing firm in our position that this dubious denial was brought under duress. Perhaps Bob Kraft was threatening to cut off your Kool-Aid supply. Whatever. We need this.

[NOTE: Dave Brown, a writer for The Standard-Times, which tipped us to their article, took exception to my description of the paper as a "crappy daily with a circ of about 28 birdcages in the Boston area." It's true: I'm a dickhole and that was a needless cheap shot at some people who were trying to help us. So I'm asking you, dear readers, to subscribe to The Standard-Times [actual circulation: more than 28!] before Dave Brown has someone from the Poynter Institute come and break my thumbs.]

30 comments:

Upstate Underdog said...

my world has been turned upside down.

Alex said...

What the hell am I supposed to do with this Construda Casserole I just baked?

Big Daddy Drew said...

PHOTOSHOPPED!

El Duffo O Muerte said...

When pressed for more information, Maroney revealed that he is not, nor has he ever been, a proponent of ass washing.

Otto Man said...

The Construda Chronicles were faked?

You let me down, man. Now I don't believe in nothing no more. I'm going to law school.

Wormfather said...

Um, maybe he just didnt want to admit to know what construda is for fear of follow up questions.

Like if your mom asked you if you knew what the ookie cookie was.

Big Daddy Drew said...

I'm just sad he didn't proudly admit to being so fucking awesome.

Looks like Marshawn Lynch will have to do.

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

Say it ain't so Kool-Aid. Say it ain't so....

MicroscopicElvis said...

As we speak, my girl be throwing out all her ass-washing soap.

Cousins of Ron Mexico said...

When further pressed for answers Maroney later admitted that, "The facts seem to have been miscontruda'd."

Peter McSheisty said...

Well, color me begul.

Russell K said...

Damn, it's like I just found out there's no Santa Claus.

twoeightnine said...

One photo on the site is no laughing matter, though. While there are several actual photos of him, the one of a man with his hair braided similar to Maroney's planting a kiss on the cheek of another man is not of him.

"No, it's definitely not me," explained Maroney.


That's the weakest denial in the history of still closeted begul-makers.

My Insignificant Life said...

Next thing you know, start QBs will name their kids after other football teams....Defensive players will crash their new $350,000 cars and claim it was stolen and 5 minuates later, realize that is wasn't stolen - just wrapped around a street sign.....And we're to believe that a starting players would party to hard the night before the super bowl....nothing is sarced anymore....I might as well kick the chair out that I am standing on right nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Grimey said...

You know what this means... construda can be anything we want it to be

Pemulis said...

@ grimey: wasn't that pretty much the case already?

also if this is true i'm going to cry... take it away, rehdog
http://youtube.com/watch?v=8mWW6kRITEY

Shan said...

He should be executed for high crimes. shall i light the torches?

The Pirate Sloth said...

Pem, that video brought a tear to my eye.

Cecilio's Scribe said...

NOOO!!!!!!!!! One of my sole missions was to help spread the gospel o' maroney. I dreamed of a world where Kool-Aid was as common a reference during highlights as Pac-Man. This is crap.

naptown drew said...

You fucking assholes!

I just bought a half-pound of "construda" from a dude down the block and he was all like "Yeah, sure you can have some construda. Just give me your girlfriend's earrings and $5000. I'm going to send you to construda heaven you lilly white genius!"

steve said...

totally off-topic but does anyone know whats going on with bodog right now? or what happened to all my prop bets? is newbogdog legit or just some fucked up spam site?

Tracer Bullet said...

The man wears a jewel-encrusted Kool-Aid Man on a platinum rope. He knows exactly construda is. His basement is home to the largest Hydroponic Grow Pod on the East Coast.

Scott said...

Sen. Craig wishes he thought of this whole idea of "denying" things instead of admitting guilt in court.

Suss said...

Wait. I thought blogs were supposed to unearth the mistakes of newspapers.

NDub said...

Worst fucking day of our lives. What the fuck are we supposed to call our blog now?

I NAMED MY FUCKING BLOG AFTER CONSTRUDA!

Excuse me while I go Chris Benoit myself.

Ben said...

This better not also be true about Marques Slocum's facebook interview section (Got a fuck lion!)

dick_gozinia said...

@ben - Man fuck dat spider!

Is Lawrence Maroney still nicknamed Kool-Aid? I just hope he hasn't denied that as well. Because I need to hang on to something here and embracing a nickname like that and actually buying a diamond & ruby encrusted necklace of Kool Aid man is the only thing that makesme want to watch the Patriots this year.

Well...that and the possibility of Gisele all bundled up on the sideline in December.

dinanm said...

sorry, the crack staff @ Perkisabeast.com was working with Mike Reiss (Boston Globe) to uncover the mystery of "Construda". Reiss was the guy to actually ask the question, thanks to our countless inquiries. The P.I.A.B. is normally a Celtics related site and a big fan of KSK, so we were keeping the best interests of this site in mind.

dinanm said...

http://perkisabeast.com/blog/2007/08/31/an-apology-to-kissing-suzy-kolber/

John Sharkey, Esq. said...

I have... been... lied to?

I didn't deserve to win after all!