Tuesday, August 28, 2007

I'm Sorry, Lance Briggs

I am sorry that you wrecked your $350,000 car the other day, Lance. I was hanging in the dorms last night smoking toenails with Adewale and he told me about your car. Well, specifically, he told me about how you wrapped it around some light fixture in the street. A good lighting scheme can make all the difference, so I can see your intention there. Are you alright? I am surprised you could even fit in such a small car. I understand that Italian men are just scale replicas of normal-sized people, and that their cars are shrunken down accordingly.

Maybe that was your plan all along, Lance Briggs. You were just trying to stretch the car out so both of us could fit in there at the same time. You always were a thoughtful fellow, The cannonball home from Lake Forest would have been sweet, just like Miami Vice. I could have been Don Johnson to your Phillip Michael Estrada, but I guess we can forget about that for now.

This just hasn't been your year, Lance Briggs. I mean, you got stuck with the franchise tag over the winter and all that. Now you're only gonna make seven million dollars this year, not that either of us could count that high, even if we had like, 94 days or something. It's a good thing we have direct deposit, it's just one less thing. Hey, what did you do with that franchise tag? I never see you wear it...

But now you have no car, Lance Briggs, and that sucks. This one time in college I needed a new water pump in my Neon and I had to drop it off overnight, so I know exactly what you're going through. When your game check comes in a couple weeks, we can go get you another car, and maybe invest some money into some better tires. I know this homeless guy over in Gary, Indiana, so we can register it in his name if you don't want to deal with the cops next time you plow into an embankment. Think about it, the offer is on the table.

So, do you need a ride to CVS or something?

25 comments:

Unsilent Majority said...

He was just trying to scare the pussy out of his kid.

El Duffo O Muerte said...

I know this homeless guy over in Gary, Indiana

Jermaine Jackson?

Drizztdj said...

Can we set up an 800 number for a fund raiser to buy him a new car?

Maybe include a teary eyed Sally Struthers?

Unsilent Majority said...

I'd be more impressed if he knew a homeowner in Gary, Indiana

Weed Against Speed said...

Homeless guy in Gary, Indiana: Richard Dent?

El Duffo O Muerte said...

Homeless: Tank Johnson?

peter king crowned my ass said...

I actually could use a ride to CVS.

MC said...

If you're going to drop Miami Vice talk than you better come correct - it's Philip Michael Thomas. Nobody messes with Ricardo Tubbs and his glorious 'Soul Glo' jeri curl.

Weed Against Speed said...

...and mc whiffs and completely misses the joke.

Matt said...

Lance, my buddy works at CVS.

But he doesn't have a car either. Guess you're SOL.

Five Pound Bag said...

I think Lance would rather have Urlacher's girl, the one that comes with her own airbags.

Stephen said...

Remember the episode of the Sopranos where Tony has to run from the Feds, through the Jersey woods in the snow? That's how I picture Lance Briggs getting home that night.

MC said...

@weed against speed:
I got the joke...I'm not that dumb. I just wanted to expound on the glories of PMT. Cut me some slack.

Weed Against Speed said...

I suppose I cannot blame you for that, mc. The slack has been cut.

Slash said...

Actually, the guy kinda seems like a genius. He left the scene of the accident and by the time the cops figured out it was his car, it was too late (supposedly) to check his BAC. So he gets off with a measly $1000 fine. I wonder who he called first after stumbling out of his wrecked car, his lawyer or his manager?

According to the story: Bears coach Lovie Smith indicated the team will not discipline Briggs, whose "spirits were good for being in a one-car accident."

I like how he lets us all know that they're not disciplining Briggs, in case anyone was worried about that. Why would they? Do they have a strict no-trashing-your-Lamborghini policy up there?

devang said...

Pfft, Leonard Little thinks this is amateurish.
(Before anyone gets on me about this, I fucking hate it that the fuckwad is still allowed to play in the NFL.
Jumps off the soapbox)

Unsilent Majority said...

I fucking hate it that the fuckwad is still allowed to play in the NFL

But he found Jesus!

My Hero Zero said...

I wonder who he called first after stumbling out of his wrecked car, his lawyer or his manager?

Actually, it was Winston "The Wolf" Wolfe. Even in Chicago, dumping the dead hooker in the trunk is a job best left to the professionals.

Chris said...

I suppose Sarah Spain would be willing to give Lance a ride.

El Duffo O Muerte said...

Why would Lance need a ride to CVS? Isn't Urlacher the one infested with the herpes?

TheNaturalMevs said...

When I think something is funny, you leave it up. You understand?

rar288 said...

I'm a Bears fan, and I don't care. One of the reasons I love this game is the criminal mentality. These huge athletic people aren't having a tea party alright? They are having fun with violence, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I think BDD would agree.

SarahS said...

Yeah Chris, Lance is alright. I'd prefer Wale though. Come to think of it, how 'bout both. MMP, you guys are all boys, can you hook it up?

Monday Morning Punter said...

@sarahs: Spain Train, I work for goals, not assists.

TheNaturalMevs said...

http://www.dawgbones.com/phBB/viewtopic.php?t=7180&start=15


You really need to read that thread, Punter.